Jesus

That's the only word that comes to mind, right now. And I don't mean prayer Jesus or thank-God-I caught-the-bus Jesus, but, the "seriously??" Jesus. I'm in oncology waiting for the herceptin infusion; I don't remember the last time I saw my doctor (Glaspy) and 3 weeks ago Dr. Cohen was too busy to see me. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen an oncologist- I don't think that's normal. It pisses me off, actually. I can go to the VA and get shitty treatment- why pay the million dollars? Yes, I sound like I'm getting upset over nothing but, damn it, don't look through me!

The infusion is hung up because I've lost so much weight my dose has to be adjusted. Nurse Colette went to Glaspy to authorize the change and he said he would but went to another patient so "it'll be awhile".  He was just out here talking to a patient and then walked away! It was bullshit talk at that! Little chit chat crap. It was too much to side step, ask me how I'm doing and sign off on the new dose?? Jesus!

I'm not missing my 4:30 CrossFit class!!

Much activity at the VA right now. Who's on first, kind of thing. The new secretary came to visit yesterday..."Bob", he said to call him. Awe, he's so 'earthy', letting the little folk call him by his first name. Same ole shpiel; change is a comin'. I should have stood up and asked "how veteran-centric can we be while working a factory type production system, Bob?" Making "points" and having a mandated number of them (or you lose your job) doesn't put the focus on the vet, I'm just saying!

Dr. Glaspy just stopped by and asked if I'd lost the other 200 pounds I wanted to lose haha. He meant Joe. I told him Joe's been nicer but I can't forget or dismiss how I've been treated during all of this.

I'm still here

I'm sitting in the exam room if Dr. Demanes. He's the radiation oncologist. It's been long enough, since my last visit, that I am struck by old feelings; fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness ... But, it's all different because I'm different. It didn't take long, really, to distance myself from the person I was when I last was here. 

Something similar happened when I got the Saturn out of the shop, after 2 months...I found a CD and didn't recognize who it was so I played it. It was Ed Sheeran. My feelings raced back to when Natalia told me he would be good for me to listen to early in my chemo-and he was. Listening to the music, after 2 months, I realized just how vulnerable, weary and small I felt....how much I curled myself into my daughter and harbored there, in her sweetness. Emotionally, I clung to her. Historically, things become clear- better understood. I couldn't identify my feelings, at the time; I thought I was being strong and independent...but my growth shines a light on that dark time. It was my little girl that was the beacon during the storm.

My road is long as it stretches before me...my challenges are many. I am veiled in shadows but I am trying to break free. Crossfit, running and hiking help. I'll get the rest from UCLA

. I pray each day, for only, one thing; please God do not let them look through me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Depression keeps me from blogging, but,   Crossfit, work, family and Joe are helping me rebound. Writing soon.