The CrossFit Cure-All

Seriously, CrossFit Second Nature has saved me from myself. It's been a little over 4 months and the changes in my state of mind are positively enormous! There is a magic to CrossFit unlike anything I have ever known. I walked through the doors to CF2N like this: I was broken, mentally, spiritually & physically. I was afraid of everything-cancer left my body but fear remained. Joe turned his back on me and offered nothing during cancer treatment (and into today); no support, no love, no kindness-I was unsteady and insecure toward other people thinking everyone would reject me. My family was so far away and I never want to interrupt their lives-I missed the help & care I would have gotten if we lived closer. My daughter was 15 and I, only, wanted her to see that I was living and not dying. The VA was stressful and creating a divide in me between loyalty & self-preservation. The past year has been a battle between what was happening in my life & what I wished was happening in my life. Destructive behavior manifested. I am not exaggerating when I say that CF2N had healed many things and lit the path to many more. I am relearning confidence, positive self-esteem, team building, self-acceptance and letting love grow; to give & receive. It seems all this would be secondary to the physical fitness but for me, it has been primary. My physical state is the best it's been in 20 years!!!! I am giddy with delight in regards to my physical state! Today, I was coached to handstands during the WOD! Last week I completed 81 box jumps! I can lift more than my body weight in a deadlift! Chad had me sprinting-yes! Sprinting!!! And jumping rope, and doing BURPEES, push-ups, and much more!! I am thinning and becoming lean, agile and strong.  How does all that happen? It's the magical combination of hard, physical work, the act of being humbled, being surrounded by people who care, being taught & nurtured by people who have travelled a similar journey and reaching for goals (seen & unseen) with people reaching for themselves as well as for you! 

"Pain is weakness leaving the body..."

...and sweat in the workout so you don't bleed in the battlefield"; my friend Jeremy's, DAV, sent me those phrases he was taught during his time in the Marine Corps. I talk to him (usually, via email) at work about my workouts and hikes, runs etc. and he shares with me his desire to be active; he has an injury to his foot that goes unresolved by the CA medical. It's because of people like Jeremy that I go to work and give it my all, in spite of the stress of the way the VA is managed. Today, I stayed home- not because I'm sick but because I'm tired. The drag of how the system doesn't work for veterans wears me down. So, today, as I did on Monday, I'll do my crossFit homework Chad assigned, go for a run, run errands and join an early Crossfit class- and I will LOVE my day and thank God for it.

Monday, I went to CrossFit 2nd Nature for an early class and did the open, instead. I wasn't signed up before then and I didn't plan on it because I don't want to see my name on the bottom of the world-wide page. But, co-owner & coach Ryan and his wife, coach Jill were there and gently nudged me in that direction. Coach Bernard was teaching the class on one side of the box and those in the open were on the other side. Amy Hernandez was my coach and score keeper; she put me at ease and was very encouraging. 15:1 scaled: 15 knee-ups, 10 deadlifts, and 5 clean & jerks. Then, one rep max clean & jerk. I finished with 115 reps and 60 lb one rep. :( I left there feeling so bad about myself. I went to Towsley Canyon for a hike and cried the entire 3 miles. I am competitive by nature and it creeps into everything I do and every aspect of my life: work, fun, fighting cancer, dishes, driving- everything becomes a competition, for me, so, walking away with that score crushed me. It reminded me of where I am, where I came from and just how far I need to go. I cut my hike short and came home and did my Chadwork; my left shoulder ached from something I did over the weekend but, like the open, I pushed through. This on top of my run score from Race on the Base, Saturday, really made me sad.

Last night, during my one-on-one with Chad we talked about the open and I told him that I cried, afterwards. He told me to not feel bad about anything. It's a good thing that I competed. He made me laugh and feel good about myself as we worked through the hour. He's a wonderful coach and an awesome human being. Right now, he's 7th regionally! He is amazing. I study his videos on Instagram every day in hopes of perfecting my technique. If it weren't for Chads instruction on the hang at and cleans I would not have had one rep during the 15:1!! So, Chad said I should go to regionals when he competes at the end of the five-week competition. I will go - the entire box should go! San Diego here we come!

Oh, yea, breast cancer...two more infusions! Next week and then the last one three weeks later. Tamoxefin for five years. I am, still, dealing with hot flashes. They are unbelievably debilitating!!! I don't notice, or don't have, them while exercising, though. My breast has a lump beneath the red mark from radiation. I'm told not to worry about it, so, I won't. Other than that, there's nothing else remarkable about that breast- it looks, pretty much, like it did before cancer. 

My thoughts and mood are getting better.  My hair is growing in slowly - still gray and thinner than before but, it's coming. I'm 60 pounds lighter than before cancer and have a waistline- so important for women's health and self esteem!!!!!

Joe? He's Joe. We aren't hurting each other but, I'm not as invested as I was, either. I respect him and keep to myself as he does, too. 

Natalia? Great, as always!! Beautiful, loving, compassionate and funny!!

Until next time...

Feeling great!

I'm at work! Training a new hire, Tom. Super nice, smart, close to my age and a good sense of humor. Right now, he's in my chair, at my computer, doing my work :D. It doesn't get any better! 

I'm leaving work at 1100 to go to the Joint Forces Training Command Base to pick up race packets for tomorrow!! Excited for this one! It feels good to run these 5ks. I've done 3, so far- 2 with Natalia; 1 by myself with Joe as a spectator. I love the process- picking up packages, registering, preparing , gathering, running and finishing! I could never imagine loving anything more than running. I loved running in my 30s and I love it now. But, CrossFit has taken over! I LOVE IT. The best part of it is the coaches and the other athletes. There's something so special about these people! 

I had my 2nd full session with Chad Melton and I am so glad I made the decision to do the privates and even more happy that I chose Chad! He brought a notebook (one that was his, so cute) with our prior WO with results and the new WO plus homework for the days we aren't together! He gave me a band to work the upper body, as well. I'll give them back after our sessions :(. I don't think he means for me to keep them, lol. But, wow, my mind is beciming stronger and more stable in tandem with the body!!! Thank God!! It's what I had been praying for!!

3 more infusions!

Almost to the finish line!! Somewhere in the middle of the year-long ritual it became normal; another part of my new existence. But, sitting in the chair, still, can bring about dark thoughts. I do my best to push them aside but I notice a difference in my outlook on those days. For example, after my last infusion I went to CrossFit but it was difficult to not think of where I was an hour earlier. It's the only time CrossFit had not been able to completely distract me. 

As of yesterday I have lost 60 pounds since hearing the word "cancer"; 50 of them since finishing chemo. I thank God for this. It is imperative that I become lean    If I hope to have a long life. I need to be strong should I need to be independent. I pray before , during, and after every element of exercise. 

Right now I'm sitting in Doctors Express Santa Clarita - bladder issues. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.

It's busy here today. All I can think of is getting an antibiotic and making a CrossFit class. 

Through CrossFit I conquer fear and stabilize my mind; the self-destruction and dark thoughts vaporize - if only I could be there all day every day.

I'm still here

I'm sitting in the exam room if Dr. Demanes. He's the radiation oncologist. It's been long enough, since my last visit, that I am struck by old feelings; fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness ... But, it's all different because I'm different. It didn't take long, really, to distance myself from the person I was when I last was here. 

Something similar happened when I got the Saturn out of the shop, after 2 months...I found a CD and didn't recognize who it was so I played it. It was Ed Sheeran. My feelings raced back to when Natalia told me he would be good for me to listen to early in my chemo-and he was. Listening to the music, after 2 months, I realized just how vulnerable, weary and small I felt....how much I curled myself into my daughter and harbored there, in her sweetness. Emotionally, I clung to her. Historically, things become clear- better understood. I couldn't identify my feelings, at the time; I thought I was being strong and independent...but my growth shines a light on that dark time. It was my little girl that was the beacon during the storm.

My road is long as it stretches before me...my challenges are many. I am veiled in shadows but I am trying to break free. Crossfit, running and hiking help. I'll get the rest from UCLA

. I pray each day, for only, one thing; please God do not let them look through me.