Final Post For BCNW

This is my final post for BCNW? as I begin a new post. 

Has the chapter on breast cancer ended? No, noone's chapter on breast cancer ends- even in death. So long as there is research and/or an ancestor of a breast cancer patient the chapter is never closed.

I posed a question, "now what?" and it's been answered; in every blog post & journal entry. The "now" in "now what?" has emerged. That's the answer- now. Do it now. Now is surgery, now is radiation, now is chemo, now is riding horses, now is hiking, now is working, now is exercise, now is praying, now is making amends, now is loving friends & family, now is forgiving, now is letting go, now is standing up, now is fighting back, now is living. 

My journey has shifted focus from breast cancer and treatment to living the best way I know how; nurturing the body, mind and spirit. 

Am I afraid cancer will return as my mother's did? Those thoughts creep in every now and then since my last infusion (April 2), but, I tell myself it's not my mother's cancer and I pray. I am not steeled against cancer, by any means. I don't want what might be to consume the 'now' of living. Of course, cancer will haunt me for the rest of my life but I must soldier on in a positive light lest I die from fear & negativity. It's the 'now' I choose.

The CrossFit Cure-All

Seriously, CrossFit Second Nature has saved me from myself. It's been a little over 4 months and the changes in my state of mind are positively enormous! There is a magic to CrossFit unlike anything I have ever known. I walked through the doors to CF2N like this: I was broken, mentally, spiritually & physically. I was afraid of everything-cancer left my body but fear remained. Joe turned his back on me and offered nothing during cancer treatment (and into today); no support, no love, no kindness-I was unsteady and insecure toward other people thinking everyone would reject me. My family was so far away and I never want to interrupt their lives-I missed the help & care I would have gotten if we lived closer. My daughter was 15 and I, only, wanted her to see that I was living and not dying. The VA was stressful and creating a divide in me between loyalty & self-preservation. The past year has been a battle between what was happening in my life & what I wished was happening in my life. Destructive behavior manifested. I am not exaggerating when I say that CF2N had healed many things and lit the path to many more. I am relearning confidence, positive self-esteem, team building, self-acceptance and letting love grow; to give & receive. It seems all this would be secondary to the physical fitness but for me, it has been primary. My physical state is the best it's been in 20 years!!!! I am giddy with delight in regards to my physical state! Today, I was coached to handstands during the WOD! Last week I completed 81 box jumps! I can lift more than my body weight in a deadlift! Chad had me sprinting-yes! Sprinting!!! And jumping rope, and doing BURPEES, push-ups, and much more!! I am thinning and becoming lean, agile and strong.  How does all that happen? It's the magical combination of hard, physical work, the act of being humbled, being surrounded by people who care, being taught & nurtured by people who have travelled a similar journey and reaching for goals (seen & unseen) with people reaching for themselves as well as for you! 

One Year Since Surgery

I am back where it all began; the breast imaging center at UCLA Westwood. The gown is looser, I look different, and it's too familiar. I've aged over the last year- my hair (still hidden under a wig) has much earned gray and my face is deeply lined (also earned). The mammoth amount of stress attached to the cancer diagnosis added to the treatment for cancer, results in a rapid aging process. My skin reacted terribly to chemo and has not begun to rebound. My eyes are extremely dry, puffy and bloodshot because of taxotere. My toe nails are, still black, in parts, and threatening to fall off. My hips are stiff from tamoxefin. I'm doing what I can to fortify what I can; minerals, vitamins and exercise. Weight loss is a moral booster! Fatigue haunts me and I'm tired all day long. My moods swing dramatically several times a day in reaction to the smallest of events. One terrifying thought resurfaces over and over; I am not meaningful to anyone. I keep looking to find meaning for my existence and, in doing so, looking to be meaningful to someone or something. That's a dangerous place for my mind to be. I set myself up for hurt and great despair. 

Waiting, now, for the doctor to read my mammogram and back to work I'll go. The technician just told me they want an ultrasound! Oh my God!! Flashbacks I can't handle right now!! I looked at my phone and Becca commented on my post (that I am here) and I wrote "I am so scared right now". My heart was racing and I started shaking. Then, I started crying and I felt so alone! Again! My phone started beeping and clicking and buzzing. I saw a post from Leah, right after mine with words of encouragement and then this:

Followed by:

And:

I was NOT alone this time!!! After everything I've been through and all the pitch black loneliness I have weathered, there is this! I don't know when I have felt more cared about by so many! I posted a thank you to Ryan for posting this message!!! I want to cry all over again because I am so grateful!!

After,what seemed an eternity, a doctor called me in to tell me it is a benign lump! Hallelujah!!!

Feeling great!

I'm at work! Training a new hire, Tom. Super nice, smart, close to my age and a good sense of humor. Right now, he's in my chair, at my computer, doing my work :D. It doesn't get any better! 

I'm leaving work at 1100 to go to the Joint Forces Training Command Base to pick up race packets for tomorrow!! Excited for this one! It feels good to run these 5ks. I've done 3, so far- 2 with Natalia; 1 by myself with Joe as a spectator. I love the process- picking up packages, registering, preparing , gathering, running and finishing! I could never imagine loving anything more than running. I loved running in my 30s and I love it now. But, CrossFit has taken over! I LOVE IT. The best part of it is the coaches and the other athletes. There's something so special about these people! 

I had my 2nd full session with Chad Melton and I am so glad I made the decision to do the privates and even more happy that I chose Chad! He brought a notebook (one that was his, so cute) with our prior WO with results and the new WO plus homework for the days we aren't together! He gave me a band to work the upper body, as well. I'll give them back after our sessions :(. I don't think he means for me to keep them, lol. But, wow, my mind is beciming stronger and more stable in tandem with the body!!! Thank God!! It's what I had been praying for!!

3 more infusions!

Almost to the finish line!! Somewhere in the middle of the year-long ritual it became normal; another part of my new existence. But, sitting in the chair, still, can bring about dark thoughts. I do my best to push them aside but I notice a difference in my outlook on those days. For example, after my last infusion I went to CrossFit but it was difficult to not think of where I was an hour earlier. It's the only time CrossFit had not been able to completely distract me. 

As of yesterday I have lost 60 pounds since hearing the word "cancer"; 50 of them since finishing chemo. I thank God for this. It is imperative that I become lean    If I hope to have a long life. I need to be strong should I need to be independent. I pray before , during, and after every element of exercise. 

Right now I'm sitting in Doctors Express Santa Clarita - bladder issues. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.

It's busy here today. All I can think of is getting an antibiotic and making a CrossFit class. 

Through CrossFit I conquer fear and stabilize my mind; the self-destruction and dark thoughts vaporize - if only I could be there all day every day.

Jesus

That's the only word that comes to mind, right now. And I don't mean prayer Jesus or thank-God-I caught-the-bus Jesus, but, the "seriously??" Jesus. I'm in oncology waiting for the herceptin infusion; I don't remember the last time I saw my doctor (Glaspy) and 3 weeks ago Dr. Cohen was too busy to see me. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen an oncologist- I don't think that's normal. It pisses me off, actually. I can go to the VA and get shitty treatment- why pay the million dollars? Yes, I sound like I'm getting upset over nothing but, damn it, don't look through me!

The infusion is hung up because I've lost so much weight my dose has to be adjusted. Nurse Colette went to Glaspy to authorize the change and he said he would but went to another patient so "it'll be awhile".  He was just out here talking to a patient and then walked away! It was bullshit talk at that! Little chit chat crap. It was too much to side step, ask me how I'm doing and sign off on the new dose?? Jesus!

I'm not missing my 4:30 CrossFit class!!

Much activity at the VA right now. Who's on first, kind of thing. The new secretary came to visit yesterday..."Bob", he said to call him. Awe, he's so 'earthy', letting the little folk call him by his first name. Same ole shpiel; change is a comin'. I should have stood up and asked "how veteran-centric can we be while working a factory type production system, Bob?" Making "points" and having a mandated number of them (or you lose your job) doesn't put the focus on the vet, I'm just saying!

Dr. Glaspy just stopped by and asked if I'd lost the other 200 pounds I wanted to lose haha. He meant Joe. I told him Joe's been nicer but I can't forget or dismiss how I've been treated during all of this.

I'm still here

I'm sitting in the exam room if Dr. Demanes. He's the radiation oncologist. It's been long enough, since my last visit, that I am struck by old feelings; fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness ... But, it's all different because I'm different. It didn't take long, really, to distance myself from the person I was when I last was here. 

Something similar happened when I got the Saturn out of the shop, after 2 months...I found a CD and didn't recognize who it was so I played it. It was Ed Sheeran. My feelings raced back to when Natalia told me he would be good for me to listen to early in my chemo-and he was. Listening to the music, after 2 months, I realized just how vulnerable, weary and small I felt....how much I curled myself into my daughter and harbored there, in her sweetness. Emotionally, I clung to her. Historically, things become clear- better understood. I couldn't identify my feelings, at the time; I thought I was being strong and independent...but my growth shines a light on that dark time. It was my little girl that was the beacon during the storm.

My road is long as it stretches before me...my challenges are many. I am veiled in shadows but I am trying to break free. Crossfit, running and hiking help. I'll get the rest from UCLA

. I pray each day, for only, one thing; please God do not let them look through me.

Embarrassing? Yes!

I saw the GYN doctor today- not the one I was scheduled to see (that was cancelled by UCLA) and after getting a bit pissed off took the appointment to see Dr. Steven Yu in Santa Monica. I was agitated, from the 2 hour road trip in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when I arrived but, really, became heated when the woman in front of me took my appointment because she was a half-hour late! I made my appointment on time, through hellacious traffic and I want my appointment, as scheduled, I told the desk jockey! She looked at her computer and said "oh, you're next" and walked away. When the nurse told me my blood pressure was 110/70 I told her I was surprised since I was so angry and I told her why. She hustled me to another nurse and, then, into the doctors office. I sat across the desk from him as he asked about my situation with breast cancer treatment. He understood everything and what he needs to do to watch for potential side-effects of tamoxefin. Then, I told him about my destructive behavior. I started crying and told him that the cancer  made me desperate and scared; the things I do put me in danger but i do it because of the emptiness and intense loneliness- abandonment I feel from Joe. The doctor was very nice and he expressed his concern. We went to an exam room and he did the Pap smear and general exam. We went back into the office and he asked a few more questions about my self-destruction. He seemed disturbed by what I told him; the catalyst and actions. And by disturbed I mean he didn't like the way I have been neglected and the state of mind that has put me in. He gave me the name and number of a woman doctor he wants me to see. He told me to call her soon so she can be my ground zero. He told me she would set me up with a psychologist as well as other resources. He came around the desk and took my hand in both of his and said if there was anything I needed, to call him. I left feeling like a huge burden had been lifted. I drove to Porter Ranch in time for my echocardiogram. I called the referred doctor and am waiting for an appointment to be scheduled. Something is changing inside of me. I feel it even though I can't articulate it. The last few weeks have been draining, mentally, and I'm exhausted. 

Natalia went hiking with me after I picked her up from school. I needed it- she did too. 

School is looming-should I resume?

My FMLA runs out in a couple weeks and I may be housebound for the next 5 months. That might be a very good thing all things considered. But, it will be tough paying the bills. 

More info from another doctor

Last Thursday I arrived at oncology Porter Ranch for my infusion and was told Dr. Glaspy was not in but, he had a stand-in; Dr. Berkowitz. Very nice and easy to talk to. He engaged me in conversation for as long as I had something to say - I love him! Lol. We talked about my hair; what I have now is baby hair. New hair - more course and thick- is coming but, I'm still early on all of this, he yells me. I told him I was jogging and we talked about compression clothing and shoes :) I told him that it was so difficult at first but, that I was doing much better and my fatigue and joint pain is lessening. He confirmed that this type of exercise is the best defense for me. He, also, confirmed that this Cancer isn't coming back! Then, he asked who didy surgery....he knows Dr. Schmit! We talked about him for a while, too! That made me so happy that he knows him as well as he does and they refer patients to each other. He suggested acupuncture for the hot flashes and mood swings if they become unmanageable. I like that! 

I've been hiking and jogging every chance I get. I'm getting stronger every day! Today, I jogged without my knee compression bands and it was fine! My best run to date, in fact!

I think the nails that are going to fall off have done so and today I had acrylics put on at Ocean nail salon in Stevenson Ranch. Kim did a WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL job!!! 

My Saturn is, finally, on the road!!! Joe did all the things to finish getting it road ready after the mechanic was done with it. Then, took it over and replaced two of the tires. :) that was very nice of him! Things between us are very good right now and I am enjoying it while it is so.

I'm applying for a promotion job at the VA- I must be crazy.

I'm thinking about switching schools to finish my masters. The last instructor was so horrible I want to not go back to Ashford. 

I'm hoping I can return to work full time after Christmas.

Stronger

The jogging is going well. Every day I don't work I can get about 4.9 miles in. Some days are harder than others but it's usually because I started too late in the day or didn't get enough sleep. I bought long pants and compression shirt for the cool weather. I feel like I jiggle too much in these pants, though. 

I am adding hiking to my exercise routine.    Nat and I hiked the Towsley Canyon (one of the trails) while I was in chemo and it was slow going but it's a little easier now. 

Lenny went with me on Veterans Day. I haven't been treated so kindly in years. He helped me up the rough spots and when I stopped to catch my breath he told me he had to catch his, too-he didn't but he was being encouraging. He was concerned that I was walking too close to the edge as we came down. Nice conversation - NORMAL conversation! I have not had a normal, pleasant conversation in years. I don't expect Lenny to know how much these things he does mean to me but, they mean so much. Kindness and caring- the cornerstones to recovery. 

Natalia and I hiked the following day after work/school and we nearly made it to the top but the sun was setting so we came down. It turned dark before we were half-way down and I slid down on my ass in a couple places but, when we could, we hugged each other as we walked. When we couldn't hug, we held hands. She was scared and she knew I would protect her and get her to the car safely. I'll cherish that memory forever - both hiking memories.

Yesterday, before my jog, I tried to have a conversation with Joe and it went south quickly. Then, it turned ugly as he said he couldn't be affectionate because of my fat; he doesn't know how to be with someone fat. And it didn't get better after that. I don't know why I try. I hate living like this. We can't talk like normal people. I went jogging after our discussion and came home and cleared some vines from the side fence. Still upset, I walked to Towsley Canyon and walked a different trail. I cried most of the two miles up. So much ending in my life. Moving into another stage and it makes me sad. Joe has made me very sad. My hair isn't growing back fast enough. My nails falling off makes me sad. My life makes me sad and so, I cried. I cried uncontrollably at one point but I kept moving. At the turn-around I stopped crying. I came home and showered and went to bed. The depression is challenging right now and I don't know what to do. I start therapy at some point but I don't remember the date. 

I want this to all be a memory, already- all of it.

...and downward, roller coaster

THE BIG DIPPER; MOOD

I'm in the car with Joe and Natalia heading to Joe's mother's apartment in Riverside. It's her birthday. I'm surprised he asked us to go. I bought her a book, bookmarks, cards and a scrumptious pumpkin spice bundt cake from "Everything bundt Cake" in Valencia. I jumped at the mini road trip.

My mood has continued on its steady decline. I'm crying and isolating more. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. My nails (what's left of them) are atrocious. I didn't jog for two days because I injured my foot; I dropped the solid oak table on it this past Friday. I was feeling good after my run; my pace was faster and breathing easier. I cleaned the kitchen and decided to swap two heavy tables- that didn't go so well. The pain was so intense that I couldn't breathe! Then, I started crying at the thought of telling Joe that I broke his table (I heard a 'crack'). I wasn't worried he would be angry but that he would give me the usual head shake and some comment meant to make me feel small, stupid, and useless. He was reluctant to look at my foot when I asked him to help me determine if it was broken. He was not interested and, in fact, was annoyed. When I started crying and apologized about the table (it wasn't broken) he told me he's used to me breaking things-without looking up from his  computer. I can't try any more. I'm so exhausted from trying to communicate and drained from trying to always be upbeat and not talk about cancer and treatment. I give up.

I made an appointment for UCLA OB/GYN so we can start tracking my uterus for the duration of tamoxefin. I have to tell them how wreck less I've been, too. I haven't said anything to anybody about my wreck less behaviors except my journal. It's time to tell a doctor and go from there. That scares me a little bit. 

I'll work 2 days this week- hallelujah!

That's me in uniform. Happy veteran's day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I DRESSED AS "DAY OF THE DEAD"

 

Not to be morbid but, to embrace the spirit of the Day of the Dead. I, personally, love the celebration between the living and the dead. Sugar skulls are awesome, too. I tried my own make-up; not to bad for the first attempt but, the decorations on my face were too thick and  heavy. I would have done better using eyeliner and liquid eye shadow. But, I didn't think of that at the time!

I have celebrated Halloween like I've never celebrated in my life! I don't know if I'm subconsciously 'living life to the fullest' or developing a 'newfound appreciation for life' as my psychiatrist at the VA seems to believe patients with cancer do. I, just, know that I wanted to experience Halloween in all the ways I had wished I could for years.

My nails are falling off :(. Not the ones that turned colors but the other nails...confusing. But, they snag or catch on something and the are ripped off like a bad stick-on! My left thumb nail came off,  in its entirety, this morning; I was drying off after a shower - I'm not sure what I did but felt a little pain and looked; my nail was hanging on by a thread of skin. So, I used nail scissors and snipped it off. I painted that nail with a pink ribbon last night. That's 3, so far. Time to get creative with band aids. 

No cure for the sugar cravings. I'm told it's something I have to deal with that has nothing to do with treatment. I'll ask Dr. Glaspy at my next infusion.

 

My jogging is going well. I haven't lost an ounce and I can't say that my appearance has changed a smidge but I FEEL great! My joint pain in my hips is minimal and I feel stronger every day!

 

I had my Herceptin infusion last Thursday and got a fist pump from Dr. Glaspy when I told him I was jogging, again. In and out. I was a little disturbed that the woman in the next chair said her hair growth was just about 2 and one half month. She had a lot of hair. I overheard her husband talking about the ice cap. She didn't mention it to me when Dr. Glaspy told me to look at her hair and tell me I was right behind her. I tried not to be offended when he turned away from me, after a very brief question and answer session, to engage the others in a conversation. I should take it as a good sign, I suppose, that I don't need much attention. 

Until next time...

The First Run

SLOW AND STEADY

I went out on my first run today. I wouldn't call it a 'run' as much as a slow jog. I didn't stretch or prepare myself in any special way other than to try putting on the knee sleeves. Fail. The knee sleeve is a great idea but it felt too tight around my thigh so, I opted for nothing. I put on a pair of heavy exercise pants - they fit tight (so no jiggle!), exercise bra and t-shirt. I plugged my ears with earbuds and prepared the outdated iPod with music. I decided months ago, when I was contemplating marathon training, that Eminem would be my music to train by. So, on the ready, was Marshall Mathers LP 2. I didn't have a plan or set path so, I just started jogging once I arrived at Calgrove. I, immediately, felt a burning in my thighs and in my lungs. My breathing was labored and I felt weak. When I turned into a residential area off of Wylie Canyon I started crying. I kept jogging, but I was crying. I swiped at my tears, at first, but, after a while I just let the tears run down my face. My body was hurting and weak. My slow jog was, almost, too much for it. I kept going. I thought about the marathon I promised Adam. I thought about cancer. I thought about my body being so weak. In my ear was "Stronger Than I was". I don't know if I was sobbing loudly or not. I had the music volume up loud enough that I couldn't hear myself. I would stop crying for a while and then cry some more. For 2 miles I cried off and on. I jogged, without stop, for a little over 1 mile. Then, I alternated walking and jogging until I was back home.

After the jog I took some vitamins, drank an Ensure and headed to the Sport Chalet where I bought two types of knee braces. Then, off to CVS for ibuprofen. I wanted to come home and work on the garage but, as I type I am feeling tired. The temperature is going to be around 100 degrees today - maybe higher. When I went out to jog it was, still, cool but by 9:30 it was hot.

I need to chop some greens and make a big batch of green drink for the coming week. The batch from last week didn't last through Friday.

Dr. Glaspy signed a note that I should work a maximum of 24 hours instead of the 40 I have been working. I, really, need the break. I am exhausted all of the time. I hit snooze 3 or 4 times in the morning and find myself needing a nap by the time I arrive to work at 0600. I struggle to get through the work day and have fallen behind in my classwork. I haven't contributed to cleaning house or doing dishes in weeks. I haven't ironed clothes in weeks. My room is in disarray. I, just, don't have energy or strength. I would like to take a leave of absence from work until all of chemo is finished but, I can't afford it. Joe has yet to say to me "you should take off, don't worry, I'll help with the doctor bills and other bills you are burdened with. Your health is more important". Instead, I get "I'm tired, too". Go figure.



A piece of my jog.



On and On...

 

SO MUCH FOR NO SIDE EFFECTS

 

     It has been, exactly, one week since my single chemo Herceptin has been infused. I was excited about having no side-effects but, I am having some reaction. My feet and ankles are, terribly, swollen. I had some swelling the day before chemo - as I usually do, but it didn't go away as it has done in the past. It has gotten, increasingly, worse. So stretched is my skin that it pinches. I have tried more water intake, walking, exercising, no salt, less food (in general), and more veggies. Nothing worked and the swelling got worse. I didn't go to work today. I awoke at 2 a.m. with intense pain in my mid-section. It was enough to make me nauseous. I used a heating pad and propped myself up in a semi-sitting position in bed. I was able to fall back to sleep around 4:30 a.m. I didn't wake again until Joe came in and asked if I was going to work. I fell back to sleep and until 7:30 a.m. My pain was gone and the swelling was down in my feet and ankles, but, not completely gone. I called Dr. Glaspy and left a message. He messaged back to come in . I'll see him in a couple hours. I hope Joe does not go in with me. He has to take me as we are down to one car (what a nightmare getting back and forth to work, getting Natalia to school and her events, and Joe going to the hangar). Maybe, he'll do to Wal-Mart across the street while I am in there. -Or, just stay in the lobby/waiting room. So, we'll see what happens.

 

     I decided to blend some greens because I know I'm not getting enough of it in my body by eating it and the store-bought drinks have too much sodium. My end result: 1 cup green beans, chopped, 2 cups leafy greens, 2 tablespoons flaxseed, 2 tablespoons matcha green tea (powder), 1/4 cucumber, chopped and 2 cups apple juice. At first, I only used 1 cup of apple juice and the blend was too thick. I added another cup and the blend was thinner and tasted better. I have enough for a few days. I like the idea of getting the greens without having to eat them.

 

 

 

In spite of my ankles, I went on the Liberace tour (of my own making using Marsue's specifications)for Marsue. She has been reading about him and is interested in places he lived, his office building, stars and burial place. I was more than happy to go around and find these places!! It was a long, hot day but I had much fun!!! I went into the office (no trespassing) and up the elevator. I couldn't access the Penthouse but I got off on 4 for a brief minute! This was a great distraction and I love this sort of thing!

 

The Sherman Oaks home with the piano pool. This is the house that was broken into and his mother assaulted.

One of his stars on Hollywood Blvd

His other star on Hollywood Blvd.

The Hollywood Hills House

The office building in Beverly Hills

The elevator inside the office building

 

Forest Lawn Cemetery, Hollywood



SO FAR SO GOOD.. .

...HOLDING MY BREATH

I was given the first chemo of my new phase - herceptin - this past Wednesday; it's Saturday and I am feeling fine. With the previous Chemo, I would be suffering by now. 

Dr. Cohen told me I  was "one tough broad" as we talked after chemo. Our conversation was about my limitations with herceptin (for me,  none! ) and follow up care in regards to my kidneys and bladder. She assured me that I would be feeling better in about 6 months and I  told her that,  although, I had my days I never,  really,  felt that bad. She smiled and made the comment about me being tough and then went on to give the example of the kidney issue/bleeding and my calm, matter-of-fact demeaner while dealing with it. I work,  I hike,  ride horses,  walk, run up steps, laugh, and live each day to the fullest as I am able. I know how fortunate I am to be doing so well. That's, exactly, the reason why I push myself beyond what my body is telling me. I am so blessed. It may be my imagination,  but,  it seems the pitted scar on my forehead (from neulasta) is healing. The hair on my head is growing; I have a good stubble going. I am, still, tired, but, not as debilitated. 

I bought a bottle of green vegetable drink last week and have been drinking a glass every morning. I follow it with ensure. This seems to be keeping my digestion and intestinal track running smoothly. My sleep is,  still,  disturbed. I wake up sweating and my heart racing; typical of nightmares but I don't remember the bad dream,  if that's what wakes me. My short term memory isn't great,  yet. I don't fret so much so long as it's not severe. 

Work has been stressful but I  put that on myself . My standards for myself are higher than what anyone has put on me. I need to, constantly, remind myself to calm down. Lenny has been an awesome friend and our friendship continues to flourish and surprise me with depth! I am grateful beyond words! Without the beautiful relationships established in the workplace the job would be colorless. God bless my friendships.

Thank God.. .

...NOTHING CATASTROPHIC

My physical self has been as well as it can be. It has been, nearly, 3 weeks since chemo and,  although,  I feel well but my body is weak and tired. I can't force it to not be what it is. I can sleep 12 - 14 hours. My thighs burn just walking up the stairs. The slightest stretch pains my hamstrings. I can't close the hatch on the Explorer. Weak and tired. My skin is grey, thin and blotched. I am the ugliest person I know. 

Mentally, wow, I'm slipping like I did when I was first told I had cancer. I'm feeling like I have 5 years, tops to live.  I can't see myself old. It makes me sad. I can't imagine myself healthy like I want to be. I see myself jogging and fit,  happy and content but I can't see the road that will get me there. I am frustrated and sad. 

My school work is fine. I'm getting hits for format errors in the APA assignments. I don't care. I know exactly the errors as they happen. I'm rushed and sick and I know the paper I'm writing will still earn an A. So why does it bother me that the instructor hasn't figured that out? 

That's it. I'm tired. 

At This Juncture...

IN BETWEEN EMOTIONS

 



     I stayed home from work last week and today. My alarm went off at 4 but I called off. I was up at midnight and from that point slept a few minutes every hour. My throat is sore as I do my best to ward off a cold. Physically, I feel better than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt better than the day before but, I feel the effects of the 6th round of chemo, still. An ache in my jaw or my knee; a turn in my stomach, the paste that sticks in my mouth. I know I'm not myself before chemo. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be that body. It is my hope that I am a better body when chemo is done, completely.

  
     My emotions are something different. I am not sure what they are right now. I'm not, quite, depressed, but not as buoyant as I have been. I would rather be home and in bed than outside or at work right now. My dreams are shrinking, once again. I can't conjure a future or a mythic future, even. I'm holding fast to the idea of running. I'm waiting for the green light that will, hopefully, come on September 3rd. That's the day I start the single chemo infusion of Herceptin. My legs are weak right now. The thigh muscle burns when I walk. The back of my thigh burns when its stretched - even, the slightest. My arms are weak. The flesh hangs from my upper arms and neck. My waist is flab. I have no strength or muscle at all. I have a vision of myself running strong. I hold on to that.



 
     I let Joe see my bald head yesterday. He tried to look at it the day before and I didn't allow it. But when he asked yesterday, I showed him. Natalia was trying to lure me away from doing such but, it is what it is. If he can't deal with my bald head he needs to grow up. He seemed okay. I told him that I don't have any deformities or dents or odd lumps on my head and "it's still me, just me with a bald head". He agreed. He said it's much better than me holding on to the scraggly head of hair I had before it was shaved. He asked me, this morning, when we were home by ourselves, "are you looking forward to your hair growing back?" Yes, I am. Joe's sister-in-law said her hair came in curly. Mine will come in normal. It will be wavy and thick; probably gray-white. I'm fine with it. Right now I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head.






 
     I enjoyed the New Zion Women's Conference and am so grateful to my and Natalia's sponsors. After the Saturday lesson and the conference closed Natalia and I walked around the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. It's beautiful. Natalia was resistant, at first, and complained. But, once we started walking and she saw her long lost kin folk she perked up. As we walked along a paved way she saw a dirt path in the thick of the trees and cut in. I followed and, like an oasis, we found our selves at a little lagoon. The trees closed behind us and the paved road and people were a memory. I felt like I was in a moment from "Narnia" and walked from the closet to the wilderness. The lagoon looked man-made and as we found a path around it we saw a small waterfall. We walked along the outer edge and followed the path to a large, natural lagoon. We crept across brush and down to the edge. Across the width stood a beautiful old 'cottage'. A large white and red trim Victorian house. We had to back out from the edge of the water and find a path to take us around the large lagoon to the house. It was hot but we were determined. On the porch of the house we stood where Angela Lansbury filmed an episode of "Murder She Wrote". :) That made me very happy. There has been quite a bit of filming around this house and the grounds. The Coach Barn rests across the vast expanse of lawn. In it there is a private coach, restored, and stables. The smell of the wood still fresh. Absolutely a thing of beauty. The trees, flowers, and lawns - peaceful and soothing to the soul. But, as I said before, HOT! After we walked to the large waterfall and lily pond, we turned around to go find the café. We were both parched and hot. We joked that looking for the café was like making our way to the extraction point on "Naked and Afraid". Natalia laughed because I couldn't lift my feet and my arms hung at my sides as we trudged in the extreme heat. I was thinking 'I can't make it, where's the courtesy golf cart? I need to sit, where's the benches in the shade?' But, I kept walking. I didn't stop until we were in the café and I had a bottle of water. On the way out of the café we crossed a female peacock. She was moving, fairly, quickly and I didn't get a decent picture. At the bottom of the steps Natalia caught her breath and she said, "Mom". I hit the bottom step and looked around the bushes. The most beautiful male peacock I have ever seen. the tail must have been 6 feet in length. He didn't move. I was able to get within inches and take pictures of his amazingly bedazzled head. He flicked his head here and there but, his body remained immobile. We walked around his tail and waited to see if he would fan it. He didn't. After several minutes he turned, slowly, and walked into the bushes. He squawked once and was gone. And so were we.

 

 

ROUND 6 DONE!!

MILESTONE REACHED!!

 

No one may understand the milestone that I reached today...round 6 is done! I remember Dr. Glaspy telling me in our initial meeting that "we are going to aim for 6 but, some only can take 4". I told him "I'm going to make the 6". I told myself that same thing over and over during and after each and every chemo. During the hardest of moments I would swear I was done and that I was giving up but, I knew I was expressing my feelings for the horrible things that chemo does to a person and I knew I wasn't giving up. By allowing myself those expressions, I also empowered myself. So, here I am with round 6 under my belt. The nurses were happy for me, too. Dr. Cohen was there to confer with me, as well. By now, she is a welcome face and I always look forward to seeing her. She referred to me as "tough as nails" today when I relayed the ER visit that I made on Saturday. I was well enough to go to work on Monday, though. I, do, seem to rebound quickly and completely when things happen like that. I am hoping that after this round that my body will rebound as quickly.

 

I, now, move on to Herceptin every 3 weeks with echocardiograms every 3 months. I had an echo today. I won't know how it looks until my first round of Herceptin, I suppose. I wonder when the hot flashes will stop? When will my sleeping return to something more normal. It is disturbed and I am, constantly, tossing and turning - cold and hot no matter how cold the room is. I have my portable air conditioning running all night and it can't keep me cool most of the night but ther are moments that I freeze and have to turn on my heating pad and add a blanket. Freezing turns quickly to sweating, though, and I'm kicking everything off.

 

I am going to shave my head in two weeks so all the hair will grow back evenly. I am lucky that my hair didn't fall out, completely.

 

In celebration of round 6 over and done, I went to the movies and watched "Into the Storm" at Valencia Regal Theaters. It was good. I was disappointed that the storyline focused on high schoolers. It didn't have the elements that I love about "Twister". The special effects were good in the new movie but, I prefer "Twister". Then, after the movie, I went to Stein Mart and bought an awesome new purse by Tignanello and two pants and 4 shirts. I spent $150. That's fantastic! I love Stein Mart because they sell outrageously priced "name brand" for less - and the sales are great.

 

Natalia and I went to church on Sunday and heard a great guest speaker. I bought a CD after the service to listen to him again. It felt great to be there this past Sunday. Fellowshipping is becoming easier and I feel more comfortable with everyone - like old friends. Natalia and I are being sponsored so we can go to the women's conference in two weekends! We are so excited! I wanted to go when it was first announced but knew I didn't have the money for us to go. Pastor asked me if I wanted to go and would I go if I had the money. I said "yes!". After the service we were told that we have been sponsored!! I am just beyond happy!!!!!

 

After church Natalia and I went to the San Fernando Mission Cemetery and Chapel. Everything is beautiful and peaceful! What a history!! And, Bob Hope and his wife are buried there within a beautiful garden that was added after Delores died. It has a babbling brook and winding pathway. There are other members of the Hope family buried within the grassy areas of the garden. It is located in the back of the Chapel. I'm glad to have, finally, made it there! I have wanted to see this Chapel and historic Mission for years!

 

Right now, I feel great. I don't know how long it will last. My carboplatin was reduced by 20% because of the kidney stones, bladder, head cold, fever and pleurisy after the last round. Dr. Cohen just felt it was time to give my neutrophils a break. I don't know how this will reflect in the side effects - will they be less or the same? I guess we'll find out in a day or two.

 

When I shave my head I am going to have Natalia take a very candid photo before and after. No sun glasses, adjusted lighting, right camera angles, or BB Cream! What's left of the hair on my head and my lined face. My skin has taken a beating and I have an indented scar from the Sweet Syndrome reaction to Neulasta. I am hoping my skin will return and I may have to go for plastic surgery to fix my forehead. Or, maybe not. The scar will be a reminder of what I went through and what I have overcome. A badge of honor. We'll have to see what bounces back and what doesn't. The treatment isn't over and I'm not out of the woods but, I have reached a major milestone in this fight and I am proud of my body and thankful to God and his army of angels from Heaven and earth!

 

"INTO THE STORM"

THE AWESOME NURSE, COLETTE

MY OTHER AWESOME NURSE

SAN FERNANDO MISSION CHAPEL AND NATALIA

 

in the ER

HELLO AGAIN,  HENRY MAYO ER

I am, right now, in the ER . About an hour ago Natalia and I walked into Whole Foods and in the produce section there was a sudden, sharp pain in my left breast that quickly exploded and prevents me from being able to take a deep breath. I am afraid. My mother had these symptoms and it was a blood clot. I have been given an EKG (fine), IV fluids, oxygen and morphine. They took blood and I  am waiting for a pulmonary CT scan. The doctor is very nice. As are the nurses I have had so far . The morphine is nice but I still can't breathe.


Dr's report; inflammation of the lining of the lung!  Thank God not a blood clot or collapsed lung! !!

ANOTHER DAY

NOT SURE I LIKE UNCERTAINTY

 

I learned, pretty quickly, that during the course of my journey with fighting cancer that each day would have to be lived for what it brings. I would not be able to predict how a day would begin or end. I would live minute to minute most days. It's been 6 months and it is, still, that way. When my mind wanders to a week from now or a month from now or a year from now, something slaps those thoughts away and brings me back to this moment. I'm beginning to feel a bit of...resentment? I'm not sure that's the right word. I'm used to a long range plan. The far-future plans have kept me sane during times of poverty and homelessness with 2 young children. If I didn't think about the possibilities a brighter tomorrow -of, a way to get out of the situation I was in, I may have collapsed under the weight of despair. So, I feel a little nervousness and unhappiness being 'stuck' in today. It doesn't feel liberating or freeing, at all. I guess it feels the way it does because my here-and-now is in need of improving and changing. But, I can't plan for it. I can't develop a way out. I find that I am more willing to do things spontaneously and, even, knowing the doctors may not think it a good idea.

 

Yesterday, Nat and I went back to Los Angeles Equestrian Center and went on a trail ride. I signed us up for 2 hours but, quickly, changed my mind once we started moving on the horses. I had 'Starsky' and Nat had 'Rose'. Starsky was a little frisky and I freaked. The last horse I was on tossed me off his back like a dirty rag. My trail guide was a little cantankerous with me because I was not wanting to let my horse get frisky and trot! I explained that I didn't have enough strength in my legs right now to let him trot. He said "looks like you got muscles in your legs from where I'm sittin'". I flipped! He asked if there was something preventing me from using my leg muscles and I told him I didn't have any! I explained where I was in the chemo process and my muscle mass has been depleted along with 30 pounds of weight. He was trying to challenge me with words like "well, you want to learn how to handle things like that when the horse does it, right?" and "When you have to you will be able to use those leg muscles" and "stop holding his reigns so tight!". Whatever! But, by the time we were nearing our end of one hour, I was doing better and no so worried. I let Starsky pass Rose and if he wanted to trot, I was willing to let him. We'll go back over the weekend. I will be wearing boots and my knee sleeves! I asked the trail guide if horses could sense fear and he chuckles and said they could sense all emotions and that it is cathartic (my word not his) for the rider because every time they get on the horse if forces them to check their emotions. I like that. It's better than therapy. 

 

My visit with Dr. Sender was uneventful today. Thankfully uneventful!! We couldn't do the cystoscopy because of Neutropenia. But, the doctor doesn't feel I'll need more than 5 days of antibiotic and I'll go back in on Tuesday to leave a urine sample. CT scan showed stones but nothing else to worry about.

 

I was called by Porter Ranch to come in on Thursday and see Dr. Glaspy. He wants to see me for a follow-up and discuss next weeks chemo. I'm surprised. I figured he wasn't interested. Dr. Cohen's been taking care of everything. Whatever to that, too.

 

Overall, I'm tired. Feeling a little edgier than I have in the past weeks. Sleepless. Anxious. Wanting to say "Fuck you" to work for multiple reasons - not all are directly related to the VA.

 

Mine and Joe's lovely stage is slipping again. I hope it doesn't slip too much.