I am back where it all began; the breast imaging center at UCLA Westwood. The gown is looser, I look different, and it's too familiar. I've aged over the last year- my hair (still hidden under a wig) has much earned gray and my face is deeply lined (also earned). The mammoth amount of stress attached to the cancer diagnosis added to the treatment for cancer, results in a rapid aging process. My skin reacted terribly to chemo and has not begun to rebound. My eyes are extremely dry, puffy and bloodshot because of taxotere. My toe nails are, still black, in parts, and threatening to fall off. My hips are stiff from tamoxefin. I'm doing what I can to fortify what I can; minerals, vitamins and exercise. Weight loss is a moral booster! Fatigue haunts me and I'm tired all day long. My moods swing dramatically several times a day in reaction to the smallest of events. One terrifying thought resurfaces over and over; I am not meaningful to anyone. I keep looking to find meaning for my existence and, in doing so, looking to be meaningful to someone or something. That's a dangerous place for my mind to be. I set myself up for hurt and great despair.
Waiting, now, for the doctor to read my mammogram and back to work I'll go. The technician just told me they want an ultrasound! Oh my God!! Flashbacks I can't handle right now!! I looked at my phone and Becca commented on my post (that I am here) and I wrote "I am so scared right now". My heart was racing and I started shaking. Then, I started crying and I felt so alone! Again! My phone started beeping and clicking and buzzing. I saw a post from Leah, right after mine with words of encouragement and then this:
And:
I was NOT alone this time!!! After everything I've been through and all the pitch black loneliness I have weathered, there is this! I don't know when I have felt more cared about by so many! I posted a thank you to Ryan for posting this message!!! I want to cry all over again because I am so grateful!!
After,what seemed an eternity, a doctor called me in to tell me it is a benign lump! Hallelujah!!!
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