Embarrassing? Yes!

I saw the GYN doctor today- not the one I was scheduled to see (that was cancelled by UCLA) and after getting a bit pissed off took the appointment to see Dr. Steven Yu in Santa Monica. I was agitated, from the 2 hour road trip in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when I arrived but, really, became heated when the woman in front of me took my appointment because she was a half-hour late! I made my appointment on time, through hellacious traffic and I want my appointment, as scheduled, I told the desk jockey! She looked at her computer and said "oh, you're next" and walked away. When the nurse told me my blood pressure was 110/70 I told her I was surprised since I was so angry and I told her why. She hustled me to another nurse and, then, into the doctors office. I sat across the desk from him as he asked about my situation with breast cancer treatment. He understood everything and what he needs to do to watch for potential side-effects of tamoxefin. Then, I told him about my destructive behavior. I started crying and told him that the cancer  made me desperate and scared; the things I do put me in danger but i do it because of the emptiness and intense loneliness- abandonment I feel from Joe. The doctor was very nice and he expressed his concern. We went to an exam room and he did the Pap smear and general exam. We went back into the office and he asked a few more questions about my self-destruction. He seemed disturbed by what I told him; the catalyst and actions. And by disturbed I mean he didn't like the way I have been neglected and the state of mind that has put me in. He gave me the name and number of a woman doctor he wants me to see. He told me to call her soon so she can be my ground zero. He told me she would set me up with a psychologist as well as other resources. He came around the desk and took my hand in both of his and said if there was anything I needed, to call him. I left feeling like a huge burden had been lifted. I drove to Porter Ranch in time for my echocardiogram. I called the referred doctor and am waiting for an appointment to be scheduled. Something is changing inside of me. I feel it even though I can't articulate it. The last few weeks have been draining, mentally, and I'm exhausted. 

Natalia went hiking with me after I picked her up from school. I needed it- she did too. 

School is looming-should I resume?

My FMLA runs out in a couple weeks and I may be housebound for the next 5 months. That might be a very good thing all things considered. But, it will be tough paying the bills.