SCRAMBLED
I expected to be, rather, clear-headed by now. I remember thinking about the changes I was about to go through as I entered into cancer treatment. I felt, at the time, that I would experience a life-changing journey. I predicted that I would find myself and strengthen my connection to God - perhaps, find Him on a different channel than ever before. I don't know what changes I've undertaken at this point. But, I looked at the chaos in my purse as I dug for something I couldn't find (I never can in this bag) and felt a kinship. I said to myself, I never find anything in here - I should organize, again. Then, I realized that the contents of my bag are a mirror image of the contents of my brain. I, actually, had an organized purse for, about, a month and I wasn't comfortable with it so, I came back to this one. That's my mind and thoughts - tossed pieces of life; torn pieces of paper, partial packs of gum, pictures, mementos, notebook but no pen, loose change, keys, tissue, and lip balm. All symbolize something in my life bouncing around my brain. I'm unsettled and I don't like the feeling. I don't have direction and I'm not sure about anything. I want to leave my job and, yet, I put in for a promotional job change. I want to move, yet, I'm bringing more of myself into this house. I feel like there is no future with Joe, yet, I work overtime to love him. I don't care if my friends at work give me the time of day, yet, I reach out to them whenever I am there. I want to get my master's and move on but, I'm, seriously, thinking about withdrawing completely. I am SCRAMBLED!!
On to other news; Natalia and I ran the Turkey Trot in LA on Thanksgiving morning. We, almost, didn't make it. I had to shake Natalia awake and she was slow getting moving. I went to the car and waited. As time ticked I got pissed off. I texted her and then, called her to hurry up. After a few minutes I went into full blown rage. I called her and screamed over the phone for her to hurry up or stay home. She told me to go. I flipped! I yelled that she and Joe should have been up before me, encouraging me and helping me helping me get ready for, what I considered, the biggest milestone in my life. But, instead, I had to force Natalia into it and Joe slept. I wanted to cry but I was more angry than anything. Eventually, Natalia came out to the car and had to listen to me rant a while longer. Then, we get to LA and the road is blocked leading to the parking garage for which I pre-paid! I had to find another place to park and when I landed in the garage under the Cathedral I realized I left my wallet at home! I started crying! Then, I cried harder and grabbed my head - what the fuck is wrong with me??!! My daughter was telling me that it was okay, "we'll call Joe and he can bring your wallet". I kept saying, over and over, "but, I can't pay for parking! My wallet isn't in my purse" I banged on the steering wheel and cried, "this meant so much to me!" and cried uncontrollably. Natalia's voice seeped in through cracks here and there and, eventually, I stopped crying. I called Joe and he said I sounded like I wasn't okay. I was so upset I was shaking and I couldn't put my words together sensibly. But, he figured it out; I needed my wallet. He said he would bring it down. We had a few minutes before the start of the race and we moved in the direction that we saw others moving. We found it in time. I had a full bladder but it was too late to do anything about it. When the race started I told Natalia to go at her speed and don't worry about me. We marked a meeting place and off we went. The first leg of the race was uphill! Uphill three or four turns! I didn't stop and I didn't walk. I pushed through the familiar burn in my lungs and pain in my legs. At the top of the incline we turned right and looped back to, now, go down hill. I ran! No pain, no burn. the rest of the course was level through the streets of a deserted LA. I never stopped and I never walked. When I crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't think about what anyone would think. I cried. Natalia crossed soon after me. We ate bananas and drank water. When Joe arrived we met him by the garage. He was very proud of us and told us so. He gave me money for the garage and, then, thought differently of leaving us and got in the car and directed me to a gas station, He filled my tank and we took him to his car. He was very sweet. We went to his mother's for Thanksgiving dinner. I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep but, the food was delicious. I ate too much.
I have talked to Natalia about my melt-down and apologized. She said that when I get like that it scares her. I don't want to scare her. I feel terrible. These sort of melt-downs happen more frequently than I care to admit. To be fair, not all of it is something that started recently. I have PTSD and outbursts are not uncommon - it's just, this is a whole, deeper, darker place. I can compare it to the crazy years after head trauma and before successful treatment. I was not myself, then, either.
I am focused on my exercise. It is the most important thing to me, right now. Running and hiking. When I can do both in the same day, I do. It's what keeps what's left of my sanity in tact.
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