Final Post For BCNW

This is my final post for BCNW? as I begin a new post. 

Has the chapter on breast cancer ended? No, noone's chapter on breast cancer ends- even in death. So long as there is research and/or an ancestor of a breast cancer patient the chapter is never closed.

I posed a question, "now what?" and it's been answered; in every blog post & journal entry. The "now" in "now what?" has emerged. That's the answer- now. Do it now. Now is surgery, now is radiation, now is chemo, now is riding horses, now is hiking, now is working, now is exercise, now is praying, now is making amends, now is loving friends & family, now is forgiving, now is letting go, now is standing up, now is fighting back, now is living. 

My journey has shifted focus from breast cancer and treatment to living the best way I know how; nurturing the body, mind and spirit. 

Am I afraid cancer will return as my mother's did? Those thoughts creep in every now and then since my last infusion (April 2), but, I tell myself it's not my mother's cancer and I pray. I am not steeled against cancer, by any means. I don't want what might be to consume the 'now' of living. Of course, cancer will haunt me for the rest of my life but I must soldier on in a positive light lest I die from fear & negativity. It's the 'now' I choose.

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THE INSIDE OF MY PURSE LOOKS....

SCRAMBLED

 

      I expected to be, rather, clear-headed by now. I remember thinking about the changes I was about to go through as I entered into cancer treatment. I felt, at the time, that I would experience a life-changing journey. I predicted that I would find myself and strengthen my connection to God - perhaps, find Him on a different channel than ever before. I don't know what changes I've undertaken at this point. But, I looked at the chaos in my purse as I dug for something I couldn't find (I never can in this bag) and felt a kinship. I said to myself, I never find anything in here - I should organize, again. Then, I realized that the contents of my bag are a mirror image of the contents of my brain. I, actually, had an organized purse for, about, a month and I wasn't comfortable with it so, I came back to this one. That's my mind and thoughts - tossed pieces of life; torn pieces of paper, partial packs of gum, pictures, mementos, notebook but no pen, loose change, keys, tissue, and lip balm. All symbolize something in my life bouncing around my brain. I'm unsettled and I don't like the feeling. I don't have direction and I'm not sure about anything. I want to leave my job and, yet, I put in for a promotional job change. I want to move, yet, I'm bringing more of myself into this house. I feel like there is no future with Joe, yet, I work overtime to love him. I don't care if my friends at work give me the time of day, yet, I reach out to them whenever I am there. I want to get my master's and move on but, I'm, seriously, thinking about withdrawing completely. I am SCRAMBLED!!

 

     On to  other news; Natalia and I ran the Turkey Trot in LA on Thanksgiving morning. We, almost, didn't make it. I had to shake Natalia awake and she was slow getting moving. I went to the car and waited. As time ticked I got pissed off. I texted her and then, called her to hurry up. After a few minutes I went into full blown rage. I called her and screamed over the phone for her to hurry up or stay home. She told me to go. I flipped! I yelled that she and Joe should have been up before me, encouraging me and helping me helping me get ready for, what I considered, the biggest milestone in my life. But, instead, I had to force Natalia into it and Joe slept. I wanted to cry but I was more angry than anything. Eventually, Natalia came out to the car and had to listen to me rant a while longer. Then, we get to LA and the road is blocked leading to the parking garage for which I pre-paid! I had to find another place to park and when I landed in the garage under the Cathedral I realized I left my wallet at home! I started crying! Then, I cried harder and grabbed my head - what the fuck is wrong with me??!! My daughter was telling me that it was okay, "we'll call Joe and he can bring your wallet". I kept saying, over and over, "but, I can't pay for parking! My wallet isn't in my purse" I banged on the steering wheel and cried, "this meant so much to me!" and cried uncontrollably. Natalia's voice seeped in through cracks here and there and, eventually, I stopped crying. I called Joe and he said I sounded like I wasn't okay. I was so upset I was shaking and I couldn't put my words together sensibly. But, he figured it out; I needed my wallet. He said he would bring it down. We had a few minutes before the start of the race and we moved in the direction that we saw others moving. We found it in time. I had a full bladder but it was too late to do anything about it. When the race started I told Natalia to go at her speed and don't worry about me. We marked a meeting place and off we went. The first leg of the race was uphill! Uphill three or four turns! I didn't stop and I didn't walk. I pushed through the familiar burn in my lungs and pain in my legs. At the top of the incline we turned right and looped back to, now, go down hill. I ran! No pain, no burn. the rest of the course was level through the streets of a deserted LA. I never stopped and I never walked. When I crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't think about what anyone would think. I cried. Natalia crossed soon after me. We ate bananas and drank water. When Joe arrived we met him by the garage. He was very proud of us and told us so. He gave me money for the garage and, then, thought differently of leaving us and got in the car and directed me to a gas station, He filled my tank and we took him to his car. He was very sweet. We went to his mother's for Thanksgiving dinner. I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep but, the food was delicious. I ate too much.

    I have talked to Natalia about my melt-down and apologized. She said that when I get like that it scares her. I don't want to scare her. I feel terrible. These sort of melt-downs happen more frequently than I care to admit. To be fair, not all of it is something that started recently. I have PTSD and outbursts are not uncommon - it's just, this is a whole, deeper, darker place. I can compare it to the crazy years after head trauma and before successful treatment. I was not myself, then, either.

    I am focused on my exercise. It is the most important thing to me, right now. Running and hiking. When I can do both in the same day, I do. It's what keeps what's left of my sanity in tact.



GIVING BACK

 

MY FIRST WALK FOR BREAST CANCER

 

I joined the American Cancer Society for their "Making Strides" walk for breast cancer in Santa Monica (5k) this past Saturday. I went by myself and donated $100. I met other survivors and friends/family of survivors. I was hugged, randomly :) and had a great time! What better view than the one to be had along the Santa Monica beaches? The sun was shining, people playing beach volleyball while others were playing roller hockey in the parking lot and lots of people jogging and riding bikes as we became a sea of pink swarming along the oceanfront. I felt good and finished in the front of the pack. :)

 

I was interviewed by a very sweet young woman, Kelly, for her CSU project. She filmed me as she asked questions and then hugged me and told me I was an inspiration.

 

I don't know what the numbers are for the event; people attended, money collected, etc. I know that one group contributed $70,000! Amazing!

 

 

I am jogging 3 to 4 times a week, now and doing well! I am so proud of myself! I can jog the entire path that I mapped out for myself. I don't stop. Yesterday, I, even, made it up the small hill on Wylie Canyon (where it connects to Calgrove). I feel that I need to master this loop before going to a longer distance but, I have the extra miles, already, mapped out. I feel good when I am jogging (no more crying from pain) and I feel great when I am done!

 

I have sugar cravings like I have never had before!! I don't know where it is coming from or why. I'll as the nurses and Dr. Glaspy about it when I see him on Thursday. The cravings are unbelievably strong!

 

Yesterday, after church, Natalia suggested we go to the Grove for lunch. I was tired and had school work due but, from past experiences, I know Natalia's suggestions turn out to be something great! I don't know how to illustrate the awesome relationship we have. I wish I could share her Snapchat stories - for me, as well as, everyone else to see. We have a great relationship that includes loving, learning and laughing. The 3 most important aspects of being a mom. Natalia is a wonderful person; she's mature, intelligent, respectful, caring and has a great wit! I love spending time with her and am sad as she breaks away more and more to her independence. But, that's the life cycle, right?

 

I was upset a couple of nights ago because Joe has been standoffish lately (no more than usual but he had warmed up a bit). He explained that he is distracted by work and trying to master the stock market, family issues, and my health. He doesn't want to be intimate because it will make me "sick". I told him he either has someone else or he is, just, repulsed by me. He said, neither. The following day I apologized to him for having the discussion and told him I understood why he didn't want to be close to me - it must be very difficult for someone like him to love me the way I am, now.

 

I finished the last class with a D. Yes, a D. The instructor refused to grade my late assignment and gave me a zero. Wanda Fernandopulle is her name I am hopeful that she will be removed. She is tarnishing the, otherwise, awesome image of Ashford University Online studies. Several of the students have reported her for a variety of issues. For instance; she told the class to submit their final project (20 points) via the 'dropbox'  not 'waypoint' and if we failed to submit to the correct location we would receive a 'zero' (she like giving zeros). She advised us to contact our tech team if we had problems with the dropbox. I noticed that I didn't have a dropbox so, I contacted tech via instant messaging and was advised to tell the instructor that she didn't order the dropbox for students, therefore, it isn't possible for us to use it. I copied the thread and sent it to the class and the instructor. She, immediately, sent an email out saying that we were to submit our final via 'waypoint' as 'we always had' - as if she never said the work dropbox! LOL Al Gore wannabe (although, his word was 'lockbox'). She low-balled my final and I passed with a D. It's going to take some work to build my GPA back up from that one D.

 

Well, I'm off to jog :)

 

Smooth sailing...mostly

 

Just thought I'd start off with this picture! All month there are breast cancer awareness events going on everywhere! I never noticed before just how much of breast cancer awareness events there are! It's great! I went to Macy's a week and a half ago to refill my body lotion at the Philosophy counter at Macy's and everything was pink! They were giving facials and make-overs at all the counters, there was nail painting, face painting, a 'selfie' wall with a huge pink ribbon (that's the picture above) and complimentary pink hats, scarves, glasses, etc. I was asked if I was a breast cancer patient (the scarf I was wearing - it doesn't fool anyone; people are simply kind enough to act like they don't notice) at the counter as I was asking for my lotion. The ladies were very nice and offered a facial. Of course!! I bought several of the Philosophy products after the facial and skin analysis. I explained that the chemo and neulasta made a mess of my skin and I was 'winging' it to get it restored. She introduced me to some products and my skin is looking good!! I'll take a better picture for my next blog but, I am seeing great results from these products (mostly all samples = free!)Purity made simple facial cleanser, the microdelivery vitamin C/peptide peel, miracle worker retinoid pads/solution, miracle worker day cream and night cream, full of promise treatment duo, full of promise for eyes. It sounds like a lot but, it's a simple routine to get used to. My face is thanking me for it!

 

Nannette Maurizio painted a beautiful pink ribbon on my left ring fingernail. I kept it for a week and changed the nail polish on every other nail. :)

 

I picked up a pair of boots on sale (great sale), too. Dr. Glaspy said the swelling is, still, from the Taxotere and it may be here a few months longer. So, I want to wear dresses, therefore, I need a boot to cover the swelling.

 

I cut bangs into my wig to hide the rippling of the mesh cap. The wig is stretching a bit and the rippling at the front of the wig is getting ridiculous, I tried eyelash glue to hold it down and that didn't work. So, bangs! I like it and Natalia said it look more natural this way. I wash my wig in a large bowl and then blow dry it on my head - like my real hair. That way I get the style exactly the way I want it.

 

My ring finger nails are blackening but, so far, I've been able to hang on to them. The middle toenail of my left foot is doing the same. My eyelashes are just about gone! How about that?! The hair everywhere else is coming back with a vengeance but the eyelashes are falling out. I picked up a gel eyeliner at CVS and it looks fine. My eyebrows are coming in crazy, though! LOL. Oh well my glasses hide some of that.

 

I'm still pretty tired after a day of work. Today, I cam home and ate something and went to bed. I was awakened by the telephone and here I am on the blog. I needed to catch up, anyway.

 

I have been on a few more jogs and the last one, Monday, was 2 miles non-stop!!!!! The entire trek was 4 miles. I am so excited!! I use my water bottle, while it's full, to do arm exercises as if it were a hand weight and I feel it! The knee braces that I bought after my first jog are working great. NO more crying!!! The pain is almost non-existent when I jog. I have a couple of great apps on my phone to help me; "Withings" monitors my steps, distance, exercise and weight while the podcast "JogTunes Indie Broadcast" guides my jog. I am loving them both!

 

 

I am craving the sweets, though! My gosh, I have never had cravings like this! I could eat pastries, chocolate and candy all day long! I am really having to watch myself!! I haven't gained any more weight and I have seen a 5 pound weight loss over night because of the swelling going down while I sleep. Shocking!

 

Work is going well and my friend Lenny is the light of my life, right now. Very sweet and kind. I can't tell you how good it feels to have him a part of my everyday. Cancer scared him away for a minute but, he has come around and thank God he has. I try to imagine my days without him and I shake the thoughts free. How gloomy and lonely I would be.

And there are my other friends Darlene and Scott; always helping me through every day!!!!!!! God bless them for blessing me!

 

Joe is doing well. He went to Indianapolis for a week- work related. He, still, rides me to work and picks me up everyday. The Saturn needs a head. No telling when it will be ready.

 

I had a minor melt down yesterday before work. I was running a little late and couldn't remember where I put the car keys. Joe had stepped outside and I was calling for him to help me look and he wasn't responding. I started emptying my purse and crying when Natalia came downstairs and saw me throw my purse on the floor and yell at it. I was so frustrated with my memory loss. She texted Joe and he came in and helped me find the key. He, then, helped me shove everything back in my purse. I was, still, crying when he walked out to start the car. When I stood up Natalia hugged me and told me it was going to be alright, "everything is going to be fine; you'll get to work and I'll get to school and everything will be okay". How sweet is she?? The rest of my day was much of the same - I felt befuddled and forgetful all day. Today was completely different. I had one brain malfunction when trying to think of the restaurant "Subway". I kept saying the sub place but could not remember "Subway"! Darlene helped me out, though. And, since it was during a team huddle she let everyone know it was "chemo brain". God love her!

 

The pictures! The beautiful view of the boat slips is in Long Beach - right beside the Queen Mary. Ethel was speaking before a women's conference from a local church and a bunch of the ladies from New Zion went to support her. Wow! She was fantastic. I wish everyone who is just finding out that they have breast cancer could hear her testimony!! Very powerful and relatable! The others are of the Queen Mary Dark Harbor event. Lots of scary mazes and creatures and fun! Michael Jackson's swing ride from Neverland Ranch was there, too. The band and DJ were awesome, as well. It was great fun even though Natalia is getting a little bored going to these things with me and she would rather go with her friends. She is a good sport and I am going to squeeze every minute of time with in that I can before she flees. :(

 



 

Herceptin is NOT chemotherapy

 

 

THAT'S IT? THAT WAS CHEMO?

 

I have to clarify because I can't believe it myself. I was under the impression that I was going to be in "chemo" for a year. But, as Dr. Glaspy informed me yesterday; chemo is over! I went in to have my Herceptin infusion and, afterwards, visit with the doctor. He came into the exam room and after asking how I was doing said "how's it feel to be done with chemo?". I said, "great!, but...Herceptin isn't chemo?" and that's when he told me that it wasn't a chemotherapy drug and that's why my hair is growing back, my skin looks better and I am not having the harsh side-effects that I was having before. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody. The pill, Tamoxifen, is a hormone drug. Chemo is done. When I left the office and walked to Ralphs I, just, kept saying that was chemo? Chemo is over? If I had understood that when I had had my last infusion I would have made a bigger deal of it being over!! We discussed, briefly, my ankles and feet; they are swollen beyond recognition most of the time. Dr. Glaspy said they were "Taxotere ankles" and that they would return to normal in a few months. He knows that they can be pain painful but assures me it's all expected.

 

I went on my 2nd run (if you can call it that) today. I was able to jog a little farther today than I did the last time. It started out like the first run and I cried a little bit from the pain and sluggishness of my body. But, it passed quickly - thank you, Marshall Mathers. The knee braces that I purchased after the last run work great! My knees did not hurt during or after the run. I snapped a picture of Puppy as she greeted me home.

 

 

My hair is growing back, noticeably, now. I am including a picture of my head and my right breast. The scars are healing nicely - the incision made by Dr. Schmit to remove the tumor has healed to, near, obscurity. As has the incision he made to remove the lymph node. The incision made by Dr. Demanes is not as obscure; the small cut is obvious. But, there were no stitches to close the wound when the SAVI was removed so, the healing has been different. There, also, appears to be tiny poc marks on the skin of the breast around the area of the SAVI. I don't know what that is but, Dr. Schmit didn't take note of it so it must be okay.

 

I am on an abbreviated work schedule, now. Monday and Friday off so I am able to rest. In fact, I'm ready for a nap right now! Whew! I am so tired all the time.

 



 

 

 

STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!
    

And the mammagram says....

NORMAL!

But, I already knew that a few days ago when I received the letter in the mail. Dr. Schmit confirmed as much during my first 6 month post-op check up. It was a good visit, overall. Nothing alarming or irregular to contend with. As a result, there was a lighter mood on my part and the doctor's part. I don't know why my mood began to sink, like the Titanic just before the visit was ended. It has continued to sink and hasn't reached bottom, yet. I looked forward to this appointment, nearly, everyday for six months. It wasn't a let-down; great news, I was remembered (I'm pretty sure), and enjoyable banter...so, why? I'll save my diatribe for my journal - I can analyze myself all day.

Things have been stressful with Joe. I don't know why he has to be so passive aggressive and verbally abusive, at times. Its bad enough when I'm not in treatment...but, now-and, I thought things were going along peacefully? I save that for my pillow, too.

God help me, I feel so sad. So  old, alone and worthless.

Me & Dr. Schmit 

MY DAUGHTER'S WORDS

A BIRTHDAY CARD CLEARS UP EVERYTHING

 

     Natalia gave me 2 birthday cards on my birthday. Joe gave me 3. We ate at Yamatos in Stevenson Ranch. After dinner, we went to the closest pet store and bought a clear, solid, plastic hamster cage for the baby squirrel we rescued the night before. I want to dedicate this blog to my daughter and her words.

     I, often, wondered what she was thinking at any given time, but, especially, now. She isn't always expressive, physically or verbally. I have asked her and we have talked - she's slept in my room, at times, and hugged me spontaneously. But, mostly, she was not forthcoming with thoughts and feelings. I saw signs of discomfort; overeating, sleeping, staying in her room more, running me relentlessly (I would, rarely, tell her 'no' - I knew our outings were, probably, the most important way I could communicate, to her, that I was 'okay') and school grades slipping.

     Two birthday cards told me everything I needed to know. The first one with Gollum on the cover describes our ability to laugh at and with each other over all things. Laughter opened the door for her to learn about my condition and to not be, so, afraid. Her humor and willingness to bring laughter to any situation is good for both of us.

     The second card is very beautiful and sentimental, but, her hand-written words bring an ache to my heart as much as it calms my sadness. She is not cold and unfeeling - taking her cue from Joe - but, rather, unsure what she is supposed to do. Had Joe been a better man to me he would have been a better father to her and she would have seen what it is that a loved one is to do in this situation. These are her words:

 

         

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you so much this has been a rocky 2014 for us all, especially you. I really don't know how you do it! All of it; work, treatment, and still want to do fun activities with me. lol. I don't think anyone realizes how you much you actually go through. I do, to an extant. But really, I would be sleeping and just eating 24/7. You really are an amazing woman mom. I cant tell you how much you mean to me. Without you, I would have nothing...really nothing. You make me want to do better and all that. You're always there for me and always comfort me etc. lol. P.S. How do you put up with me..REALLY.

   I don't "put up" with her. I love her and would give my last breath to save hers. My great fear was that she was learning how to be unfeeling and distant toward me during this troubling time; should I die she will have a horrible time reconciling her emotions - the loss of her mother and her behavior during my run with cancer. I tell her, always, that I know she loves me and that our bond is beyond what can be described with words - I don't want her to regret anything that has to do with me.

    My daughter's words.

 



UPDATE LONG OVERDUE

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG BETWEEN BLOGS

 



     It has been a stressful couple of weeks since my last blog. Work, car, money, home...way too much stress for me.

     The Saturn is, still, sitting, unused in the driveway. Joe and I have been going to LA to take me to work every day. Then, he returns to Newhall and takes Natalia to school and himself to work. He picks Natalia up after school, come to the Federal building, I drive him back to the Van Nuys airport, get Natalia to showchoir, dance or whatever function she needs to get to then back to the airport to get Joe. I can't get any school work done on time. I'm exhausted. So, why is the Saturn not being driven? Because it didn't pass the smog test. Joe and I split the mechanic's bill to fix something with the spark plug (I don't remember what it was) after the first smog fail and that didn't take care of the problem. The 2nd smog test failed, as well. I spent the last of my paycheck on the first repair. The, nearly, $500 ticket for going through a red light and the $300 registration didn't leave me much to spend on the car. Joe said he was broke, too. He told me that when his income tax return came in, he would use it to get the Explorer, in the garage, fixed...that's not going to happen. He changed his mind. He said he would use part of his return to get the Saturn fixed. I don't know where the tax return is. I'm not surprised. Every man I have ever been with have been anxious to get the bucks for my children and me as deductions but, then, I never see a bloody red cent that they promised. Anyway, the Saturn sits and we run the other one into the ground. I was paid this past Friday and after phone, storage, WorldVision, hospital and doctor bills I have $200 left to put on the car. I'll see if I can pay less on a couple of doctor bills in case the car bill is more than 200. I HAVE to have my car. I have my suspicions about this whole car thing...I'll keep it to myself, for now. 

     Suddenly, Joe is in control of my air conditioner in my room. He's been coming into my room and turning off my A/C and opening the French doors. It wakes me every time. I have a hard time sleeping when I am not cool with the hot flashes and it isn't cool enough outside to satisfy what the A/C can. After he comes into the room I can't fall back to sleep; I am hot and sweating. It's, usually, 3 in the morning before I can doze off. I'm tired before I start the day. The stress at work and the running after work makes me so tired I can't get my homework done nor exercise. Well, I had enough! Last night I locked my door. Joe was so irritated that he began texting me - repeatedly. Then, knocking on the door and calling my name until I woke up and went to the door. He started saying something about the door being locked and the A/C running. I wasn't, quite awake, and I was dumb struck, as well. I heard my phone alert me to another incoming text message but, I ignored it as I stood in the door waiting for Joe to start making sense. Then, he said, "what's going on, you got the door locked and the air conditioning running. I'm beginning to worry about you, what's going on?" All I could say is, "what??"  He was saying it in a way that he was trying to cover himself for being so fricking anal. How dare he come into my space, wake me up in the middle of the night, and decide if I use the A/C or not!!   I am, continuously, amazed at his lack of rationale and common sense. What is he thinking?? He was yelling at me over the phone tonight because my daughter calls him 'cookie' as a nickname. This is a nickname she has called him since she was 7 years old. I have called him that, too. It's something created out of love. He decided that the nickname is stupid and that until I make Natalia stop then he's going to call me 'Heather' instead of 'mom' around her. I told him not to do that. One has nothing to do with the other. I am her mother and 'mom' is my name. He asked what the big deal is. I told him he is trying to create a disconnect between me and Natalia and I don't want him calling me 'Heather'. He flipped! I guess because I hit the nail on the head. he isn't aware that I know the head games he plays for power and control. He kept kicking me until I told him to stop being abusive. I told him that something must have happened at work and he's taking it out on me. He admitted he's playing manipulative, control games and that that is too bad. He can't play them if I'm on to him. Why is he acting out more than usual? I haven't let him push my buttons and make me upset in a long time. I was upset when he pulled the $40 stunt in the car on the way to the oncologist and, even though, I was not in the wrong and he was playing a power/control game I apologized. It's not worth staying upset over. Maybe he's wound up because I'm seeing Dr. Schmit on Monday and he knows how much I like Dr. Schmit. Joe had confronted Dr. Schmit all those months ago and has never let up. The more I express my respect and admiration for Dr. Schmit the louder Joe refutes UCLA and contemporary medicine. All the same ridiculous babble he spouted in the beginning of this journey. Internet web education. Yea, that's going to change my mind about cancer treatment options. No thanks, I'll stick to medical journals - published ones. 
     He's been telling the flight attendant all his woes. Evidently, he has her believing he's a nice guy and that I brought all kinds of baggage from previous relationships and take it out on him. That's what I got from the conversation we had yesterday. Joe's the 'nice' guy and I'm a horrible person. She's defending his lack of sympathy and compassion for me (his discussions with her, not mine) because he was scared. Really?? She defends someone walking away and ignoring the basic needs of compassion for someone with cancer? Really? He must have weaved some wild tales to get her to take that stance. NO ONE understand that position, AT ALL. Whatever, right? It's his story to his friend. However he wants to spin it so he can sleep at night.
     As far as Joe is concerned, I'm feeling defeated. He's not changing. He will not change for me or our family. The cancer, the treatment, - no matter what I do for him and no matter how much I love him, he's not going to give it in return. He's only going to hurt me and abuse me as he always does. He will not let God  touch his heart and charge his spirit. Through all of this I have given him everything I have and, then, reached within myself and gave more. I loaned him the love I have for others on the bet that he would return it ten-fold. I lost the bet. 
     Dr. Glaspy had interesting thoughts on our last visit. I need to hear more of his wisdom and confidence. 
     I also, need to be with the ladies of the church! Today was so amazing! Darlene picked me and Natalia up and took us to Acapulco restaurant for lunch with the ladies of New Zion. They were having the lunch for my birthday. It was, absolutely, wonderful! The food the conversation and the presents. Ha ha. They were, all, so generous and thoughtful! I can't thank them enough for this blessed birthday.       
     Marsue sent a, very, pretty piano to hold small pieces of jewelry with a note that I never forget our adventure. :) - A little reminder of our joint venture to connect the Liberace dots. It was fun. I hope we do more of the same with...say...Errol Flynn? Fun!
     My birthday at work was very nice. Darlene brought delicious cupcakes and an inspirational t-shirt. Bryan, Scott and John went to lunch at Veggie Grill with me and Bryan bought my fake chicken taco. Leroy gave me movie tickets. It was a nice day all around!
     I know I jump around in these blogs and there are times when the grammatical errors, nearly, make the blog unreadable. I thought about going back through them and editing but, that would take away from the truth of it. That is my state of mind and my ability (or lack of it) to process through words. Every missed comma and/or misspelled word is part of the story - my story.                                                                                             

Free to be poked and prodded once again...

 

 

 

LUCKY ME, ALL CLEAR FOR CYSTOSCOPY, ET AL...

 

 

     I had the cystoscopy with Dr. Sender yesterday. It went well; nothing irregular in the bladder or the urethra. The scope, itself, was uncomfortable but, I've had this before so I knew what to expect. I'm still sore today and it hurts to pee but, it's getting better. It's worth a little discomfort to be thorough. Dr. Sender was Dr. Sender and his dry sense of humor made the visit a little more bearable. It's odd that a urologist has such a good bedside manner. Or - it, just, seems odd. I don't know, maybe they have the best bedside manner. The urologists that I have been to were military or VA - that's no laughing matter.

    

     When I got home after the doctor appointment and picking Natalia up from school I was in pain. I helped myself to 4 Azo, 4 motrin and 1 lorazapam. I took Natalia back to school for her showchoir practice and went to bed for a nap. Hours later, Natalia was shaking me awake. I slept through phone calls, alarms. door bells, and banging on the door. I didn't hear any of it! Natalia had to get a ride home from a friend and break in through a window. Joe had tried to call and when I didn't answer after so many tries he called a neighbor. The neighbor came over and rang the door bell and knocked on the door. Nothing. When Natalia, did, wake me up it wasn't a relief that I was alive (you know, 'thank God, I was thinking the worst', kind of thing). I don't know what they were thinking. Did they think I just decided to take a nap and ignore the attempts to wake me up? I don't know, it's weird how neither of them said anything about it. Well, Joe, did, say that when I see the neighbors (that he called to ring the doorbell) that I should smile and wave and say 'hi'. That's weird, too. At least Joe offered to drive us back to the house when I picked him up from work last night. Joe asked how I was today - if I was feeling alright when he got home from work. I appreciate the question. I know it's something so small in light of the situation and its enormity but, it's all I get and I'll appreciate it. Sure, I would love a flower and a card now and then or a hug and words of support - how about, a surprise night out to dinner and a movie or a ride along the coast. Yes, there are things that I would do if the roles were reversed; I would always let him know that I loved him and that he would get through this. I would comfort him in any way I could. I would go with him to doctor appointment and chemotherapy. I would ask what he needed. Mostly, I would be paying attention to his situation and helping where it was obvious that I could. I would get him an electric blanket for the chemo room once I knew how cold it was, I would make a tray of sampler foods to see if any of them would taste good to him during chemo, I would make sure he had all his meds and took them as prescribed (it gets crazy around chemo days and which meds when can be overwhelming), I would help him shower and change his sheets knowing how sweat stained they get....on and on and on. But I am the partner of someone who doesn't think of these things. By saying 'let me know if you need anything' he's off the hook. I spend too much time thinking about all this. I think I'm over it and accept it for what it is and then the hurt and sadness of being neglected hit all over again. I guess I will have to deal with it over and over until I have found a permanent place to put the bad feelings and memories to rest. Everyday work out.

 

     I took the day off of work today because of the discomfort when urinating. I don't drink as much water as I should when I'm at work and I knew I needed to drink a lot of water. The car situation doesn't help motivate me to go to work, either. As long as the Saturn is not road ready (2 failed smog tests) then I don't want to go to work. The trouble it takes to get me there and pick me up make me uncomfortable. I don't like infringing on anyone - even Joe.

 

     Dr. Glaspy said I was doing very well. Now that I am on Herceptin, only, I'm ready for 5 years of Tamoxifen. So, I started it today - 20 mg a day. I'm not so sure I'm the candidate that the medicine was designed for but, it's an added precautionary drug - free radicals and all. He talked to me about other things as well...I told him newfound fear kept me from making the decisions I was quick to make before cancer. He told me, emphatically, that this cancer was NOT coming back. I believed him. He stared at me with those steely blue eyes and never blinked. For a minute or two I, completely, felt what it was like to be cancer free. I didn't realize how much baggage cancer has been to my every day until that minute when I felt it was gone. Of course, as soon as I left the office I felt the way I always feel and that brief, wonderful moment was a memory. Maybe, I should record Dr. Glaspy saying that and I can listen to it every day. Hmmm, that's a thought. He'll think I've lost my  mind if he doesn't, already.

 

     My mood overall hasn't been very good. I seem to be noticing all the negative things about myself and perceive my future as the beginning of the end. Maybe this is an adjustment phase to a new reality...time will tell.

 

    New rules and regulations at work. New coach, new rules. Every coach has their 'new' things they want to dump on the employees. Some of it works great and most of it doesn't. So we muddle through until the next new coach. I wouldn't mind so much if the coach had experience in the department and brought an organized, researched, productive form of change. But, they don't. They come in and see mass amounts of work and minimal amount of people and, without experience in it, come up with attempts to lower the work and overload the people with favorable results. It never works. People get frustrated always having to bend to the ridiculousness of a new coach. My suggestion would be to a new coach "come in and get to know what it is that we do. Sit with the employees and watch the process. Take notes. Ask questions. See what it is that the employee needs to make the process more efficient.". But, no one asked me. At least with this one I see the mistakes big and bold and can address them. Some of the actions need to be addressed by the union representative 'cause they look a lil' illegal. I'm just saying

 

     I decided to drink greens instead of trying to eat them...did I blog about that, already? Well, anyway, this week I blended an apple, banana, avocado, matcha green tea power, flax seed oil, mixed chard and 2 cups of water. It doesn't have as much taste as the last batch...I think because I used water instead of apple juice. But, I like it better because it isn't grainy at all; it's very smooth.

 



 

 

Thank God.. .

...NOTHING CATASTROPHIC

My physical self has been as well as it can be. It has been, nearly, 3 weeks since chemo and,  although,  I feel well but my body is weak and tired. I can't force it to not be what it is. I can sleep 12 - 14 hours. My thighs burn just walking up the stairs. The slightest stretch pains my hamstrings. I can't close the hatch on the Explorer. Weak and tired. My skin is grey, thin and blotched. I am the ugliest person I know. 

Mentally, wow, I'm slipping like I did when I was first told I had cancer. I'm feeling like I have 5 years, tops to live.  I can't see myself old. It makes me sad. I can't imagine myself healthy like I want to be. I see myself jogging and fit,  happy and content but I can't see the road that will get me there. I am frustrated and sad. 

My school work is fine. I'm getting hits for format errors in the APA assignments. I don't care. I know exactly the errors as they happen. I'm rushed and sick and I know the paper I'm writing will still earn an A. So why does it bother me that the instructor hasn't figured that out? 

That's it. I'm tired. 

At This Juncture...

IN BETWEEN EMOTIONS

 



     I stayed home from work last week and today. My alarm went off at 4 but I called off. I was up at midnight and from that point slept a few minutes every hour. My throat is sore as I do my best to ward off a cold. Physically, I feel better than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt better than the day before but, I feel the effects of the 6th round of chemo, still. An ache in my jaw or my knee; a turn in my stomach, the paste that sticks in my mouth. I know I'm not myself before chemo. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be that body. It is my hope that I am a better body when chemo is done, completely.

  
     My emotions are something different. I am not sure what they are right now. I'm not, quite, depressed, but not as buoyant as I have been. I would rather be home and in bed than outside or at work right now. My dreams are shrinking, once again. I can't conjure a future or a mythic future, even. I'm holding fast to the idea of running. I'm waiting for the green light that will, hopefully, come on September 3rd. That's the day I start the single chemo infusion of Herceptin. My legs are weak right now. The thigh muscle burns when I walk. The back of my thigh burns when its stretched - even, the slightest. My arms are weak. The flesh hangs from my upper arms and neck. My waist is flab. I have no strength or muscle at all. I have a vision of myself running strong. I hold on to that.



 
     I let Joe see my bald head yesterday. He tried to look at it the day before and I didn't allow it. But when he asked yesterday, I showed him. Natalia was trying to lure me away from doing such but, it is what it is. If he can't deal with my bald head he needs to grow up. He seemed okay. I told him that I don't have any deformities or dents or odd lumps on my head and "it's still me, just me with a bald head". He agreed. He said it's much better than me holding on to the scraggly head of hair I had before it was shaved. He asked me, this morning, when we were home by ourselves, "are you looking forward to your hair growing back?" Yes, I am. Joe's sister-in-law said her hair came in curly. Mine will come in normal. It will be wavy and thick; probably gray-white. I'm fine with it. Right now I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head.






 
     I enjoyed the New Zion Women's Conference and am so grateful to my and Natalia's sponsors. After the Saturday lesson and the conference closed Natalia and I walked around the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. It's beautiful. Natalia was resistant, at first, and complained. But, once we started walking and she saw her long lost kin folk she perked up. As we walked along a paved way she saw a dirt path in the thick of the trees and cut in. I followed and, like an oasis, we found our selves at a little lagoon. The trees closed behind us and the paved road and people were a memory. I felt like I was in a moment from "Narnia" and walked from the closet to the wilderness. The lagoon looked man-made and as we found a path around it we saw a small waterfall. We walked along the outer edge and followed the path to a large, natural lagoon. We crept across brush and down to the edge. Across the width stood a beautiful old 'cottage'. A large white and red trim Victorian house. We had to back out from the edge of the water and find a path to take us around the large lagoon to the house. It was hot but we were determined. On the porch of the house we stood where Angela Lansbury filmed an episode of "Murder She Wrote". :) That made me very happy. There has been quite a bit of filming around this house and the grounds. The Coach Barn rests across the vast expanse of lawn. In it there is a private coach, restored, and stables. The smell of the wood still fresh. Absolutely a thing of beauty. The trees, flowers, and lawns - peaceful and soothing to the soul. But, as I said before, HOT! After we walked to the large waterfall and lily pond, we turned around to go find the café. We were both parched and hot. We joked that looking for the café was like making our way to the extraction point on "Naked and Afraid". Natalia laughed because I couldn't lift my feet and my arms hung at my sides as we trudged in the extreme heat. I was thinking 'I can't make it, where's the courtesy golf cart? I need to sit, where's the benches in the shade?' But, I kept walking. I didn't stop until we were in the café and I had a bottle of water. On the way out of the café we crossed a female peacock. She was moving, fairly, quickly and I didn't get a decent picture. At the bottom of the steps Natalia caught her breath and she said, "Mom". I hit the bottom step and looked around the bushes. The most beautiful male peacock I have ever seen. the tail must have been 6 feet in length. He didn't move. I was able to get within inches and take pictures of his amazingly bedazzled head. He flicked his head here and there but, his body remained immobile. We walked around his tail and waited to see if he would fan it. He didn't. After several minutes he turned, slowly, and walked into the bushes. He squawked once and was gone. And so were we.

 

 

GONE, BABY, GONE

LET IT GO

Gladly!  I made the decision to let the remaining hair from my head go and get it shaved away ! I went to Fantastic Sams on Lyons next to Starbucks. Wendy took me back to the break room and worked her magic. She was wonderful!! ! We made a date to revisit when I have enough hair to play with! :)

The responses from my family have been sweet and funny!  Two commented that I, still, look like Susan Sarandon. Vickie said I looked like Steve when he was 2, lol,  and all said I am beautiful. Adam said my hair will grow back more beautiful than before and Steve said he missed my "pretty face". I get teary over such lovliness from people I love.
When I told Len (my name for the friend/no friend /friend at the VA) that my hair will probably come in all gray he said it would look good on me. What a sweet thing to say. The little things. That's all it takes to restore the human heart to full bloom. To remove the shadows of clouds and low hanging branches ; the infinite sweetness of a bright smile and soft word.

I am,  still,  feeling weak- too weak, for my liking and my thinking is off kilter; I was in bed most of the day yesterday and when I woke late in the afternoon I couldn't remember any one's face. I was so anxious that I couldn't move. I laid in my bed and brought a name to my lips, one after another, and tried to imagine the face. I couldn't. Not one. I thought of my sons, my grandchildren, my daughter, Joe, my sisters, people at work, my cat - nothing. I couldn't see my cat when I said her name, "Puppy". Nothing. It scared me terribly. I wondered if I was losing my mind. Was I having a break down? Should I call the doctor? I broke out in a cold sweat and shook uncontrollably under my heavy blanket. I became very hot under the blankets and sweat ran like rivers from my head to my pillow but fear kept me frozen in place. It grew dark outside my balcony doors and soon after, I heard a tap on the door. It was dark enough that I couldn't see but a shadow of Joe as he opened the door to tell me he was going to Home Depot. I heard the car pull out and I forced myself up quickly. I pushed my aching body down the stairs to the kitchen. It was quiet. I went to the front room and laid on the couch. I listened to my heart racing and felt pain shoot up into my jaw. I knew I had to calm myself down. I started taking long deep breathes. I thought only of my breathing and fell asleep. I awoke when Natalia came down to retrieve her school books. I went upstairs to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and thought of my sons. I could see their faces. I breathed a deep sigh of relief! I thought of everyone in my family and friends at work, long lost shipmates and grade school chums...I remembered all of their faces. I flipped my pillow and flopped down. I fell asleep quickly.

Today, I drove to the nearest Arbys to satisfy my craving for beef; Canyon Country. After paying for my sandwich I returned to the 14. I haven't listened to much music since cancer announced itself. I shut music down. I replaced it with talk shows and spiritual songs. I used to blast music in my car. It was an escape from traffic,  work and crazy thoughts. But cancer made it feel silly and frivolous. Until today! On the 14 I put in a random CD from the passenger door. Out poured Bruno Mars,  Locked Out of Heaven. A switch flipped and I turned it up LOUD. I stepped on the gas and shifted my 20 year old Saturn into 5th gear.  I flew!  Dancing in my seat I swerved in and out of cars as fast as the Saturn would take me. I didn't care what it looked like!- I was light!  I have never felt so light and centered and fluid! The mountains all around fed me with strength and protection and so I flew with Bruno Mars blowing the tiny speakers!  That's what freedom feels like. For a few minutes rules didn't apply to me. When I  reached Calgrove the down slope exit guided me back to earth. I stopped at its end and turned off the music. GPS told me I was at my destination. I smiled - not quite.

When Natalia was out of school she asked to go to the mall so she could get her ears pierced. Of course, I took her. There was an incident with one of the employees of a neighboring store and mall security (and I use that term loosely). I will share the details another time. The main point is that my confusion and muddled thinking put me in a very bad way when I would normally have been calm and rational. I was so upset I called Joe for help. He was upset, as well - mostly, because my state of mind makes me vulnerable. No one wants to think of someone in my state becoming frightened and confused. 

It all makes me feel very old. Or, do I, just, feel how old I am?

WISHFUL THINKING

If Only It Worked Like That 

Well, no such luck...I am agonizing, here. I was thinking, a few days ago, that the reduction of carboplatin might alleviate some of the side effects - no, not at all. I am in total agony. It started Friday night and by this afternoon the bone pain is horrible, the nausea is horrible and the weakness is -you guessed it,  HORRIBLE.  Last one like this. I tried to forge ahead and go to church today. In fact, I made it there with Natalia. In the middle of corporate prayers I felt weak and hot. Valerie was sitting with me in prayer as I was too weak to stand. I had to excuse myself and dash for the ladies room. I was sweating and weak with intestinal pain. I started praying. Then,  I couldn't, even,  do that. Ethel came in and started running cold water in the little sink and soaking paper towels for me to put on my face,  neck and scalp. It helped and I am grateful to her. I took my hat off in front of her and didn't care. I don't have to hide that from her,  of all people. She is only concerned about my well being. Natalia came to see if I was okay and waited outside the bathroom. When Ethel and I emerged I asked Nat to go start the car so it could cool off.  I sat on some steps just inside the front doors and Ethel and Valerie brought ice water in a cup and cold paper towels. They stayed with me and fanned me. They were worried about me driving home. I assured them I could make it once in the car. Ethel helped me out and she prayed for my safe journey. I was carried home today. We walked into the house and the smell of whatever was cooking turned me green. Nat turned on fans and opened doors but it was so hot it made me faint. I went upstairs and turned on the only working A/C in the house; my little stand-alone next to my bed. It took all of my strength to undress and find a t-shirt. I dropped to the bed close to the cool unit and fell asleep. I slept for a few hours. When I woke I ventured downstairs for a bite of tuna and milk. Because of the heat,  I came back upstairs. The food didn't sit well and my stomach cramped. I walked,  swiftly,  to the bathroom but nearly passed out because of the heat. I doused my head with cold water and went back to you room. Here I am. I'm grateful to Ethel and Valerie and Natalia. Today, someone was helping to take care of me and I was not alone. Ethel knew what I  needed in that moment and I can't express  how wonderful it felt to have that. We are all feeling along in the dark until there is another who has gone before you. I am grateful to have heard from my friend (the one that can/can't be my friend) at work - last night and today. I didn't expect it. It brought me such inner happiness.  Surprises like that restore my faith in humanity. And, of course, to have the steady support and friendship of Scott and Darlene makes me feel very, very fortunate.

ROUND 6 DONE!!

MILESTONE REACHED!!

 

No one may understand the milestone that I reached today...round 6 is done! I remember Dr. Glaspy telling me in our initial meeting that "we are going to aim for 6 but, some only can take 4". I told him "I'm going to make the 6". I told myself that same thing over and over during and after each and every chemo. During the hardest of moments I would swear I was done and that I was giving up but, I knew I was expressing my feelings for the horrible things that chemo does to a person and I knew I wasn't giving up. By allowing myself those expressions, I also empowered myself. So, here I am with round 6 under my belt. The nurses were happy for me, too. Dr. Cohen was there to confer with me, as well. By now, she is a welcome face and I always look forward to seeing her. She referred to me as "tough as nails" today when I relayed the ER visit that I made on Saturday. I was well enough to go to work on Monday, though. I, do, seem to rebound quickly and completely when things happen like that. I am hoping that after this round that my body will rebound as quickly.

 

I, now, move on to Herceptin every 3 weeks with echocardiograms every 3 months. I had an echo today. I won't know how it looks until my first round of Herceptin, I suppose. I wonder when the hot flashes will stop? When will my sleeping return to something more normal. It is disturbed and I am, constantly, tossing and turning - cold and hot no matter how cold the room is. I have my portable air conditioning running all night and it can't keep me cool most of the night but ther are moments that I freeze and have to turn on my heating pad and add a blanket. Freezing turns quickly to sweating, though, and I'm kicking everything off.

 

I am going to shave my head in two weeks so all the hair will grow back evenly. I am lucky that my hair didn't fall out, completely.

 

In celebration of round 6 over and done, I went to the movies and watched "Into the Storm" at Valencia Regal Theaters. It was good. I was disappointed that the storyline focused on high schoolers. It didn't have the elements that I love about "Twister". The special effects were good in the new movie but, I prefer "Twister". Then, after the movie, I went to Stein Mart and bought an awesome new purse by Tignanello and two pants and 4 shirts. I spent $150. That's fantastic! I love Stein Mart because they sell outrageously priced "name brand" for less - and the sales are great.

 

Natalia and I went to church on Sunday and heard a great guest speaker. I bought a CD after the service to listen to him again. It felt great to be there this past Sunday. Fellowshipping is becoming easier and I feel more comfortable with everyone - like old friends. Natalia and I are being sponsored so we can go to the women's conference in two weekends! We are so excited! I wanted to go when it was first announced but knew I didn't have the money for us to go. Pastor asked me if I wanted to go and would I go if I had the money. I said "yes!". After the service we were told that we have been sponsored!! I am just beyond happy!!!!!

 

After church Natalia and I went to the San Fernando Mission Cemetery and Chapel. Everything is beautiful and peaceful! What a history!! And, Bob Hope and his wife are buried there within a beautiful garden that was added after Delores died. It has a babbling brook and winding pathway. There are other members of the Hope family buried within the grassy areas of the garden. It is located in the back of the Chapel. I'm glad to have, finally, made it there! I have wanted to see this Chapel and historic Mission for years!

 

Right now, I feel great. I don't know how long it will last. My carboplatin was reduced by 20% because of the kidney stones, bladder, head cold, fever and pleurisy after the last round. Dr. Cohen just felt it was time to give my neutrophils a break. I don't know how this will reflect in the side effects - will they be less or the same? I guess we'll find out in a day or two.

 

When I shave my head I am going to have Natalia take a very candid photo before and after. No sun glasses, adjusted lighting, right camera angles, or BB Cream! What's left of the hair on my head and my lined face. My skin has taken a beating and I have an indented scar from the Sweet Syndrome reaction to Neulasta. I am hoping my skin will return and I may have to go for plastic surgery to fix my forehead. Or, maybe not. The scar will be a reminder of what I went through and what I have overcome. A badge of honor. We'll have to see what bounces back and what doesn't. The treatment isn't over and I'm not out of the woods but, I have reached a major milestone in this fight and I am proud of my body and thankful to God and his army of angels from Heaven and earth!

 

"INTO THE STORM"

THE AWESOME NURSE, COLETTE

MY OTHER AWESOME NURSE

SAN FERNANDO MISSION CHAPEL AND NATALIA