MY DAUGHTER'S WORDS

A BIRTHDAY CARD CLEARS UP EVERYTHING

 

     Natalia gave me 2 birthday cards on my birthday. Joe gave me 3. We ate at Yamatos in Stevenson Ranch. After dinner, we went to the closest pet store and bought a clear, solid, plastic hamster cage for the baby squirrel we rescued the night before. I want to dedicate this blog to my daughter and her words.

     I, often, wondered what she was thinking at any given time, but, especially, now. She isn't always expressive, physically or verbally. I have asked her and we have talked - she's slept in my room, at times, and hugged me spontaneously. But, mostly, she was not forthcoming with thoughts and feelings. I saw signs of discomfort; overeating, sleeping, staying in her room more, running me relentlessly (I would, rarely, tell her 'no' - I knew our outings were, probably, the most important way I could communicate, to her, that I was 'okay') and school grades slipping.

     Two birthday cards told me everything I needed to know. The first one with Gollum on the cover describes our ability to laugh at and with each other over all things. Laughter opened the door for her to learn about my condition and to not be, so, afraid. Her humor and willingness to bring laughter to any situation is good for both of us.

     The second card is very beautiful and sentimental, but, her hand-written words bring an ache to my heart as much as it calms my sadness. She is not cold and unfeeling - taking her cue from Joe - but, rather, unsure what she is supposed to do. Had Joe been a better man to me he would have been a better father to her and she would have seen what it is that a loved one is to do in this situation. These are her words:

 

         

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you so much this has been a rocky 2014 for us all, especially you. I really don't know how you do it! All of it; work, treatment, and still want to do fun activities with me. lol. I don't think anyone realizes how you much you actually go through. I do, to an extant. But really, I would be sleeping and just eating 24/7. You really are an amazing woman mom. I cant tell you how much you mean to me. Without you, I would have nothing...really nothing. You make me want to do better and all that. You're always there for me and always comfort me etc. lol. P.S. How do you put up with me..REALLY.

   I don't "put up" with her. I love her and would give my last breath to save hers. My great fear was that she was learning how to be unfeeling and distant toward me during this troubling time; should I die she will have a horrible time reconciling her emotions - the loss of her mother and her behavior during my run with cancer. I tell her, always, that I know she loves me and that our bond is beyond what can be described with words - I don't want her to regret anything that has to do with me.

    My daughter's words.