GONE, BABY, GONE

LET IT GO

Gladly!  I made the decision to let the remaining hair from my head go and get it shaved away ! I went to Fantastic Sams on Lyons next to Starbucks. Wendy took me back to the break room and worked her magic. She was wonderful!! ! We made a date to revisit when I have enough hair to play with! :)

The responses from my family have been sweet and funny!  Two commented that I, still, look like Susan Sarandon. Vickie said I looked like Steve when he was 2, lol,  and all said I am beautiful. Adam said my hair will grow back more beautiful than before and Steve said he missed my "pretty face". I get teary over such lovliness from people I love.
When I told Len (my name for the friend/no friend /friend at the VA) that my hair will probably come in all gray he said it would look good on me. What a sweet thing to say. The little things. That's all it takes to restore the human heart to full bloom. To remove the shadows of clouds and low hanging branches ; the infinite sweetness of a bright smile and soft word.

I am,  still,  feeling weak- too weak, for my liking and my thinking is off kilter; I was in bed most of the day yesterday and when I woke late in the afternoon I couldn't remember any one's face. I was so anxious that I couldn't move. I laid in my bed and brought a name to my lips, one after another, and tried to imagine the face. I couldn't. Not one. I thought of my sons, my grandchildren, my daughter, Joe, my sisters, people at work, my cat - nothing. I couldn't see my cat when I said her name, "Puppy". Nothing. It scared me terribly. I wondered if I was losing my mind. Was I having a break down? Should I call the doctor? I broke out in a cold sweat and shook uncontrollably under my heavy blanket. I became very hot under the blankets and sweat ran like rivers from my head to my pillow but fear kept me frozen in place. It grew dark outside my balcony doors and soon after, I heard a tap on the door. It was dark enough that I couldn't see but a shadow of Joe as he opened the door to tell me he was going to Home Depot. I heard the car pull out and I forced myself up quickly. I pushed my aching body down the stairs to the kitchen. It was quiet. I went to the front room and laid on the couch. I listened to my heart racing and felt pain shoot up into my jaw. I knew I had to calm myself down. I started taking long deep breathes. I thought only of my breathing and fell asleep. I awoke when Natalia came down to retrieve her school books. I went upstairs to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and thought of my sons. I could see their faces. I breathed a deep sigh of relief! I thought of everyone in my family and friends at work, long lost shipmates and grade school chums...I remembered all of their faces. I flipped my pillow and flopped down. I fell asleep quickly.

Today, I drove to the nearest Arbys to satisfy my craving for beef; Canyon Country. After paying for my sandwich I returned to the 14. I haven't listened to much music since cancer announced itself. I shut music down. I replaced it with talk shows and spiritual songs. I used to blast music in my car. It was an escape from traffic,  work and crazy thoughts. But cancer made it feel silly and frivolous. Until today! On the 14 I put in a random CD from the passenger door. Out poured Bruno Mars,  Locked Out of Heaven. A switch flipped and I turned it up LOUD. I stepped on the gas and shifted my 20 year old Saturn into 5th gear.  I flew!  Dancing in my seat I swerved in and out of cars as fast as the Saturn would take me. I didn't care what it looked like!- I was light!  I have never felt so light and centered and fluid! The mountains all around fed me with strength and protection and so I flew with Bruno Mars blowing the tiny speakers!  That's what freedom feels like. For a few minutes rules didn't apply to me. When I  reached Calgrove the down slope exit guided me back to earth. I stopped at its end and turned off the music. GPS told me I was at my destination. I smiled - not quite.

When Natalia was out of school she asked to go to the mall so she could get her ears pierced. Of course, I took her. There was an incident with one of the employees of a neighboring store and mall security (and I use that term loosely). I will share the details another time. The main point is that my confusion and muddled thinking put me in a very bad way when I would normally have been calm and rational. I was so upset I called Joe for help. He was upset, as well - mostly, because my state of mind makes me vulnerable. No one wants to think of someone in my state becoming frightened and confused. 

It all makes me feel very old. Or, do I, just, feel how old I am?