At This Juncture...

IN BETWEEN EMOTIONS

 



     I stayed home from work last week and today. My alarm went off at 4 but I called off. I was up at midnight and from that point slept a few minutes every hour. My throat is sore as I do my best to ward off a cold. Physically, I feel better than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt better than the day before but, I feel the effects of the 6th round of chemo, still. An ache in my jaw or my knee; a turn in my stomach, the paste that sticks in my mouth. I know I'm not myself before chemo. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be that body. It is my hope that I am a better body when chemo is done, completely.

  
     My emotions are something different. I am not sure what they are right now. I'm not, quite, depressed, but not as buoyant as I have been. I would rather be home and in bed than outside or at work right now. My dreams are shrinking, once again. I can't conjure a future or a mythic future, even. I'm holding fast to the idea of running. I'm waiting for the green light that will, hopefully, come on September 3rd. That's the day I start the single chemo infusion of Herceptin. My legs are weak right now. The thigh muscle burns when I walk. The back of my thigh burns when its stretched - even, the slightest. My arms are weak. The flesh hangs from my upper arms and neck. My waist is flab. I have no strength or muscle at all. I have a vision of myself running strong. I hold on to that.



 
     I let Joe see my bald head yesterday. He tried to look at it the day before and I didn't allow it. But when he asked yesterday, I showed him. Natalia was trying to lure me away from doing such but, it is what it is. If he can't deal with my bald head he needs to grow up. He seemed okay. I told him that I don't have any deformities or dents or odd lumps on my head and "it's still me, just me with a bald head". He agreed. He said it's much better than me holding on to the scraggly head of hair I had before it was shaved. He asked me, this morning, when we were home by ourselves, "are you looking forward to your hair growing back?" Yes, I am. Joe's sister-in-law said her hair came in curly. Mine will come in normal. It will be wavy and thick; probably gray-white. I'm fine with it. Right now I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head.






 
     I enjoyed the New Zion Women's Conference and am so grateful to my and Natalia's sponsors. After the Saturday lesson and the conference closed Natalia and I walked around the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. It's beautiful. Natalia was resistant, at first, and complained. But, once we started walking and she saw her long lost kin folk she perked up. As we walked along a paved way she saw a dirt path in the thick of the trees and cut in. I followed and, like an oasis, we found our selves at a little lagoon. The trees closed behind us and the paved road and people were a memory. I felt like I was in a moment from "Narnia" and walked from the closet to the wilderness. The lagoon looked man-made and as we found a path around it we saw a small waterfall. We walked along the outer edge and followed the path to a large, natural lagoon. We crept across brush and down to the edge. Across the width stood a beautiful old 'cottage'. A large white and red trim Victorian house. We had to back out from the edge of the water and find a path to take us around the large lagoon to the house. It was hot but we were determined. On the porch of the house we stood where Angela Lansbury filmed an episode of "Murder She Wrote". :) That made me very happy. There has been quite a bit of filming around this house and the grounds. The Coach Barn rests across the vast expanse of lawn. In it there is a private coach, restored, and stables. The smell of the wood still fresh. Absolutely a thing of beauty. The trees, flowers, and lawns - peaceful and soothing to the soul. But, as I said before, HOT! After we walked to the large waterfall and lily pond, we turned around to go find the café. We were both parched and hot. We joked that looking for the café was like making our way to the extraction point on "Naked and Afraid". Natalia laughed because I couldn't lift my feet and my arms hung at my sides as we trudged in the extreme heat. I was thinking 'I can't make it, where's the courtesy golf cart? I need to sit, where's the benches in the shade?' But, I kept walking. I didn't stop until we were in the café and I had a bottle of water. On the way out of the café we crossed a female peacock. She was moving, fairly, quickly and I didn't get a decent picture. At the bottom of the steps Natalia caught her breath and she said, "Mom". I hit the bottom step and looked around the bushes. The most beautiful male peacock I have ever seen. the tail must have been 6 feet in length. He didn't move. I was able to get within inches and take pictures of his amazingly bedazzled head. He flicked his head here and there but, his body remained immobile. We walked around his tail and waited to see if he would fan it. He didn't. After several minutes he turned, slowly, and walked into the bushes. He squawked once and was gone. And so were we.