ANOTHER DAY

NOT SURE I LIKE UNCERTAINTY

 

I learned, pretty quickly, that during the course of my journey with fighting cancer that each day would have to be lived for what it brings. I would not be able to predict how a day would begin or end. I would live minute to minute most days. It's been 6 months and it is, still, that way. When my mind wanders to a week from now or a month from now or a year from now, something slaps those thoughts away and brings me back to this moment. I'm beginning to feel a bit of...resentment? I'm not sure that's the right word. I'm used to a long range plan. The far-future plans have kept me sane during times of poverty and homelessness with 2 young children. If I didn't think about the possibilities a brighter tomorrow -of, a way to get out of the situation I was in, I may have collapsed under the weight of despair. So, I feel a little nervousness and unhappiness being 'stuck' in today. It doesn't feel liberating or freeing, at all. I guess it feels the way it does because my here-and-now is in need of improving and changing. But, I can't plan for it. I can't develop a way out. I find that I am more willing to do things spontaneously and, even, knowing the doctors may not think it a good idea.

 

Yesterday, Nat and I went back to Los Angeles Equestrian Center and went on a trail ride. I signed us up for 2 hours but, quickly, changed my mind once we started moving on the horses. I had 'Starsky' and Nat had 'Rose'. Starsky was a little frisky and I freaked. The last horse I was on tossed me off his back like a dirty rag. My trail guide was a little cantankerous with me because I was not wanting to let my horse get frisky and trot! I explained that I didn't have enough strength in my legs right now to let him trot. He said "looks like you got muscles in your legs from where I'm sittin'". I flipped! He asked if there was something preventing me from using my leg muscles and I told him I didn't have any! I explained where I was in the chemo process and my muscle mass has been depleted along with 30 pounds of weight. He was trying to challenge me with words like "well, you want to learn how to handle things like that when the horse does it, right?" and "When you have to you will be able to use those leg muscles" and "stop holding his reigns so tight!". Whatever! But, by the time we were nearing our end of one hour, I was doing better and no so worried. I let Starsky pass Rose and if he wanted to trot, I was willing to let him. We'll go back over the weekend. I will be wearing boots and my knee sleeves! I asked the trail guide if horses could sense fear and he chuckles and said they could sense all emotions and that it is cathartic (my word not his) for the rider because every time they get on the horse if forces them to check their emotions. I like that. It's better than therapy. 

 

My visit with Dr. Sender was uneventful today. Thankfully uneventful!! We couldn't do the cystoscopy because of Neutropenia. But, the doctor doesn't feel I'll need more than 5 days of antibiotic and I'll go back in on Tuesday to leave a urine sample. CT scan showed stones but nothing else to worry about.

 

I was called by Porter Ranch to come in on Thursday and see Dr. Glaspy. He wants to see me for a follow-up and discuss next weeks chemo. I'm surprised. I figured he wasn't interested. Dr. Cohen's been taking care of everything. Whatever to that, too.

 

Overall, I'm tired. Feeling a little edgier than I have in the past weeks. Sleepless. Anxious. Wanting to say "Fuck you" to work for multiple reasons - not all are directly related to the VA.

 

Mine and Joe's lovely stage is slipping again. I hope it doesn't slip too much.