ANOTHER DAY

NOT SURE I LIKE UNCERTAINTY

 

I learned, pretty quickly, that during the course of my journey with fighting cancer that each day would have to be lived for what it brings. I would not be able to predict how a day would begin or end. I would live minute to minute most days. It's been 6 months and it is, still, that way. When my mind wanders to a week from now or a month from now or a year from now, something slaps those thoughts away and brings me back to this moment. I'm beginning to feel a bit of...resentment? I'm not sure that's the right word. I'm used to a long range plan. The far-future plans have kept me sane during times of poverty and homelessness with 2 young children. If I didn't think about the possibilities a brighter tomorrow -of, a way to get out of the situation I was in, I may have collapsed under the weight of despair. So, I feel a little nervousness and unhappiness being 'stuck' in today. It doesn't feel liberating or freeing, at all. I guess it feels the way it does because my here-and-now is in need of improving and changing. But, I can't plan for it. I can't develop a way out. I find that I am more willing to do things spontaneously and, even, knowing the doctors may not think it a good idea.

 

Yesterday, Nat and I went back to Los Angeles Equestrian Center and went on a trail ride. I signed us up for 2 hours but, quickly, changed my mind once we started moving on the horses. I had 'Starsky' and Nat had 'Rose'. Starsky was a little frisky and I freaked. The last horse I was on tossed me off his back like a dirty rag. My trail guide was a little cantankerous with me because I was not wanting to let my horse get frisky and trot! I explained that I didn't have enough strength in my legs right now to let him trot. He said "looks like you got muscles in your legs from where I'm sittin'". I flipped! He asked if there was something preventing me from using my leg muscles and I told him I didn't have any! I explained where I was in the chemo process and my muscle mass has been depleted along with 30 pounds of weight. He was trying to challenge me with words like "well, you want to learn how to handle things like that when the horse does it, right?" and "When you have to you will be able to use those leg muscles" and "stop holding his reigns so tight!". Whatever! But, by the time we were nearing our end of one hour, I was doing better and no so worried. I let Starsky pass Rose and if he wanted to trot, I was willing to let him. We'll go back over the weekend. I will be wearing boots and my knee sleeves! I asked the trail guide if horses could sense fear and he chuckles and said they could sense all emotions and that it is cathartic (my word not his) for the rider because every time they get on the horse if forces them to check their emotions. I like that. It's better than therapy. 

 

My visit with Dr. Sender was uneventful today. Thankfully uneventful!! We couldn't do the cystoscopy because of Neutropenia. But, the doctor doesn't feel I'll need more than 5 days of antibiotic and I'll go back in on Tuesday to leave a urine sample. CT scan showed stones but nothing else to worry about.

 

I was called by Porter Ranch to come in on Thursday and see Dr. Glaspy. He wants to see me for a follow-up and discuss next weeks chemo. I'm surprised. I figured he wasn't interested. Dr. Cohen's been taking care of everything. Whatever to that, too.

 

Overall, I'm tired. Feeling a little edgier than I have in the past weeks. Sleepless. Anxious. Wanting to say "Fuck you" to work for multiple reasons - not all are directly related to the VA.

 

Mine and Joe's lovely stage is slipping again. I hope it doesn't slip too much.

 



ARE WE THERE YET?

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

 

It's Sunday and I am exactly in the middle between chemo #5 and chemo #6. I will be going to Porter Ranch tomorrow to have fluids run through my veins. Dr. Cohen put me on an antibiotic yesterday. It's been a rough few days leading up to this.

 

Thursday, at work, I noticed I was developing a sore throat and sinus congestion. The stress at work, that day, didn't help. There is a female that works in IPC mailroom. She has been at the VA for over 20 years and she is hearing impaired. She doesn't get much work done as she verbally assaults anyone in sight. Not only does she verbally assault people but her chosen words are vulgar and offensive. She represents the worst kind of hood rat. She attacks the other hearing impaired, her coaches, and co-workers. She is, especially, animated behind their backs. Whenever she has an issue -whether real or imagined- she has been permitted to jump the chain of command and skip proper procedures. She goes to the VSO or Assistant Director and both jump for her. I know she has been counseled in the past but, she railed so long and so loud and attacked the woman that had placed a grievance against her (yea, confidentiality?) in front of the rest of IPC that no one has counseled her since. She will stand in our part of IPC and verbally slander people in the other part of IPC and vice-versa. She disregards authority and often will tell the coaches that they are inferior to her and she doesn't have to listen to anything they say. She marches to the beat of her own drum. Which means she doesn't get any work done. The coach is out for 2 weeks and our new assistant coach has been sick. So, she is out of control. She thinks she can train people thanks to the coach putting her in to do as much (should somebody tell her he wasn't doing it because she's so great but, rather, because he wanted her out of IPC for awhile?). People groan when they know she is going to be training them. She isn't equipped. Hearing impaired, aside, she doesn't pass information or instruction effectively and people leave the session more confused (and angry) than they were before. She should be removed from this position (which is supposed to be one of service to other VA employees) and reprimanded. If she can't behave professionally then she should be removed. She is a disruption to everyone around her, all the time. I, being on the 4th floor, don't hear her as much as I did before but, I have a major grievance. She and one of the VSOs crossed a line on Thursday. I don't see any of the new VSOs doing what this one did - and she's been there a long time just as Allison has. I suppose that's the problem. They have both been there since high school - no college education and they think they are exempt from professionalism and proper procedures. We'll see - I'm not going to be in chemo forever and I, do, know how to get things done using the proper channels. We have a new director and from what I see, so far, he is the ultimate professional and believes strongly in chain of command.

 

When I went into work on Friday I wasn't feel very well. My head cold was in full swing and I had a headache. Two hours in and I started to feel body aches. I went to the nurse on 7 and asked her to take my temperature. It was 99.7. She gave me Tylenol and sent me on my way. Back on 4 I called the doctor's office in Porter Ranch and talked to my nurse, Collette. She advised that I take it again in a couple of hours and if it got to 100.4 that I would have to call Dr. Glaspy's Westwood office and let him advise me from there. We agreed I needed to go home. I left work at 0830 and did just that. I spent the rest of the day drinking water, napping and taking my temperature. It hovered around 99.7 all day and night. The next morning it climbed to 100.2. It stayed there for 4 hours. I felt neurotic waiting for it to tip over or recede. Natalia had suggested, a few days before, that we go on the WB studio tour. I asked if she still wanted to go. So, we did. I wasn't feeling great, naturally, but I wanted the distraction. I took Tylenol and Sudafed and away we went. We rode in golf cart bus type thing and tooled around the studio. After the tour I drove aimlessly. We had been in this area of Burbank before and so I just drove in a direction that seemed right. Inadvertently, we discovered the Los Angeles Equestrian Center! I pulled in and drove, slowly, along the road until it stopped. There, to our right, were horses! Just outside the little shack and fencing was a sign for trail rides. I asked Nat if she wanted to ride. She was shocked "right now? Really?" Her phone didn't have much life left and she wanted to be able to video and photograph her trail ride. I, still, wasn't feeling well, anyway. So, we opted to go in and get the information about the trail rides and ask if we could see the horses. Yes, we were free to see and feed the horses! I don't know how long we were there but we went through a bucket of carrots and by the time we left my fever had broken. I know that sounds crazy, but, I am not joking. My fever was gone after I played with the horses! -And it didn't come back.

 

Sunday, Nat and I went to church. At this point I was feeling fatigue and a bit of a cold but, nothing overwhelming. It was good to be there and to see everyone. We had a guest speaker, T.J. White man with a message. He played the piano and sang a song before delivering the best sermon I have ever heard. His message of a loving, kind and wonderful God was music to my ears. He was a powerful speaker and I appreciated his message. I am hoping he was recorded so I can buy a CD. I want to hear it again. By Sunday afternoon I was not feeling well at all. I had pain while urinating and blood in my urine. I took my temperature and it was, still, normal. I called the office and Dr. Cohen was on call. We talked about going back to Dr. Sender (I have a cystoscopy on Tuesday) and getting more fluids in me. I told her about my recent fever and she immediately prescribed an antibiotic to cover whatever is going on. I feel like I can't call Dr. Glaspy my doctor when it's been Dr. Cohen that has treated me for almost all of it.

 

I haven't been able to sleep through the night since 5 days after chemo. I always sleep like a rock once the pain from chemo subsides. This time the restful nights added up to 2 and then back to sleeplessness.

 

I won't be going to work for the next 2 days. I'm okay with that. I miss some of the people that I work with when I'm not there and I miss the work. I don't miss the lack of professionalism and leadership. I am glad to be appointed as trainer to the CAs. I take that seriously. No one can be expected to do their job completely without training. I have had one training session and it went very well. Although, I wasn't there on Friday to train, I completed the agenda and the training materials for all the CAs so they have them on their computer and can access them from a centralized location on one of the drives. Going back to work on Wednesday should be plenty of time for me to get the documents done for the upcoming training session. I won't be giving the class but the documents will be thorough enough for the one who is training as well as the ones who will be given the training.

 

One BIG component missing from people within the VA? BALLS. When the female from IPC mailroom rears her disgusting head someone should tell her to shut up. That's it. Just say those two words to her, "shut up". Seems odd that no one has in all the years she's been there, right? And there lies a big problem in the VA Los Angeles. Leadership and professionalism.

Nat and I on the WB Backlot tour. She was given a shell casing as a souvenir. They were recording sound for an upcoming video game.

Central Perk!

The horses that cured my fever!