WISHFUL THINKING

If Only It Worked Like That 

Well, no such luck...I am agonizing, here. I was thinking, a few days ago, that the reduction of carboplatin might alleviate some of the side effects - no, not at all. I am in total agony. It started Friday night and by this afternoon the bone pain is horrible, the nausea is horrible and the weakness is -you guessed it,  HORRIBLE.  Last one like this. I tried to forge ahead and go to church today. In fact, I made it there with Natalia. In the middle of corporate prayers I felt weak and hot. Valerie was sitting with me in prayer as I was too weak to stand. I had to excuse myself and dash for the ladies room. I was sweating and weak with intestinal pain. I started praying. Then,  I couldn't, even,  do that. Ethel came in and started running cold water in the little sink and soaking paper towels for me to put on my face,  neck and scalp. It helped and I am grateful to her. I took my hat off in front of her and didn't care. I don't have to hide that from her,  of all people. She is only concerned about my well being. Natalia came to see if I was okay and waited outside the bathroom. When Ethel and I emerged I asked Nat to go start the car so it could cool off.  I sat on some steps just inside the front doors and Ethel and Valerie brought ice water in a cup and cold paper towels. They stayed with me and fanned me. They were worried about me driving home. I assured them I could make it once in the car. Ethel helped me out and she prayed for my safe journey. I was carried home today. We walked into the house and the smell of whatever was cooking turned me green. Nat turned on fans and opened doors but it was so hot it made me faint. I went upstairs and turned on the only working A/C in the house; my little stand-alone next to my bed. It took all of my strength to undress and find a t-shirt. I dropped to the bed close to the cool unit and fell asleep. I slept for a few hours. When I woke I ventured downstairs for a bite of tuna and milk. Because of the heat,  I came back upstairs. The food didn't sit well and my stomach cramped. I walked,  swiftly,  to the bathroom but nearly passed out because of the heat. I doused my head with cold water and went back to you room. Here I am. I'm grateful to Ethel and Valerie and Natalia. Today, someone was helping to take care of me and I was not alone. Ethel knew what I  needed in that moment and I can't express  how wonderful it felt to have that. We are all feeling along in the dark until there is another who has gone before you. I am grateful to have heard from my friend (the one that can/can't be my friend) at work - last night and today. I didn't expect it. It brought me such inner happiness.  Surprises like that restore my faith in humanity. And, of course, to have the steady support and friendship of Scott and Darlene makes me feel very, very fortunate.