Herceptin is NOT chemotherapy

 

 

THAT'S IT? THAT WAS CHEMO?

 

I have to clarify because I can't believe it myself. I was under the impression that I was going to be in "chemo" for a year. But, as Dr. Glaspy informed me yesterday; chemo is over! I went in to have my Herceptin infusion and, afterwards, visit with the doctor. He came into the exam room and after asking how I was doing said "how's it feel to be done with chemo?". I said, "great!, but...Herceptin isn't chemo?" and that's when he told me that it wasn't a chemotherapy drug and that's why my hair is growing back, my skin looks better and I am not having the harsh side-effects that I was having before. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody. The pill, Tamoxifen, is a hormone drug. Chemo is done. When I left the office and walked to Ralphs I, just, kept saying that was chemo? Chemo is over? If I had understood that when I had had my last infusion I would have made a bigger deal of it being over!! We discussed, briefly, my ankles and feet; they are swollen beyond recognition most of the time. Dr. Glaspy said they were "Taxotere ankles" and that they would return to normal in a few months. He knows that they can be pain painful but assures me it's all expected.

 

I went on my 2nd run (if you can call it that) today. I was able to jog a little farther today than I did the last time. It started out like the first run and I cried a little bit from the pain and sluggishness of my body. But, it passed quickly - thank you, Marshall Mathers. The knee braces that I purchased after the last run work great! My knees did not hurt during or after the run. I snapped a picture of Puppy as she greeted me home.

 

 

My hair is growing back, noticeably, now. I am including a picture of my head and my right breast. The scars are healing nicely - the incision made by Dr. Schmit to remove the tumor has healed to, near, obscurity. As has the incision he made to remove the lymph node. The incision made by Dr. Demanes is not as obscure; the small cut is obvious. But, there were no stitches to close the wound when the SAVI was removed so, the healing has been different. There, also, appears to be tiny poc marks on the skin of the breast around the area of the SAVI. I don't know what that is but, Dr. Schmit didn't take note of it so it must be okay.

 

I am on an abbreviated work schedule, now. Monday and Friday off so I am able to rest. In fact, I'm ready for a nap right now! Whew! I am so tired all the time.

 



 

 

 

STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!
    

Free to be poked and prodded once again...

 

 

 

LUCKY ME, ALL CLEAR FOR CYSTOSCOPY, ET AL...

 

 

     I had the cystoscopy with Dr. Sender yesterday. It went well; nothing irregular in the bladder or the urethra. The scope, itself, was uncomfortable but, I've had this before so I knew what to expect. I'm still sore today and it hurts to pee but, it's getting better. It's worth a little discomfort to be thorough. Dr. Sender was Dr. Sender and his dry sense of humor made the visit a little more bearable. It's odd that a urologist has such a good bedside manner. Or - it, just, seems odd. I don't know, maybe they have the best bedside manner. The urologists that I have been to were military or VA - that's no laughing matter.

    

     When I got home after the doctor appointment and picking Natalia up from school I was in pain. I helped myself to 4 Azo, 4 motrin and 1 lorazapam. I took Natalia back to school for her showchoir practice and went to bed for a nap. Hours later, Natalia was shaking me awake. I slept through phone calls, alarms. door bells, and banging on the door. I didn't hear any of it! Natalia had to get a ride home from a friend and break in through a window. Joe had tried to call and when I didn't answer after so many tries he called a neighbor. The neighbor came over and rang the door bell and knocked on the door. Nothing. When Natalia, did, wake me up it wasn't a relief that I was alive (you know, 'thank God, I was thinking the worst', kind of thing). I don't know what they were thinking. Did they think I just decided to take a nap and ignore the attempts to wake me up? I don't know, it's weird how neither of them said anything about it. Well, Joe, did, say that when I see the neighbors (that he called to ring the doorbell) that I should smile and wave and say 'hi'. That's weird, too. At least Joe offered to drive us back to the house when I picked him up from work last night. Joe asked how I was today - if I was feeling alright when he got home from work. I appreciate the question. I know it's something so small in light of the situation and its enormity but, it's all I get and I'll appreciate it. Sure, I would love a flower and a card now and then or a hug and words of support - how about, a surprise night out to dinner and a movie or a ride along the coast. Yes, there are things that I would do if the roles were reversed; I would always let him know that I loved him and that he would get through this. I would comfort him in any way I could. I would go with him to doctor appointment and chemotherapy. I would ask what he needed. Mostly, I would be paying attention to his situation and helping where it was obvious that I could. I would get him an electric blanket for the chemo room once I knew how cold it was, I would make a tray of sampler foods to see if any of them would taste good to him during chemo, I would make sure he had all his meds and took them as prescribed (it gets crazy around chemo days and which meds when can be overwhelming), I would help him shower and change his sheets knowing how sweat stained they get....on and on and on. But I am the partner of someone who doesn't think of these things. By saying 'let me know if you need anything' he's off the hook. I spend too much time thinking about all this. I think I'm over it and accept it for what it is and then the hurt and sadness of being neglected hit all over again. I guess I will have to deal with it over and over until I have found a permanent place to put the bad feelings and memories to rest. Everyday work out.

 

     I took the day off of work today because of the discomfort when urinating. I don't drink as much water as I should when I'm at work and I knew I needed to drink a lot of water. The car situation doesn't help motivate me to go to work, either. As long as the Saturn is not road ready (2 failed smog tests) then I don't want to go to work. The trouble it takes to get me there and pick me up make me uncomfortable. I don't like infringing on anyone - even Joe.

 

     Dr. Glaspy said I was doing very well. Now that I am on Herceptin, only, I'm ready for 5 years of Tamoxifen. So, I started it today - 20 mg a day. I'm not so sure I'm the candidate that the medicine was designed for but, it's an added precautionary drug - free radicals and all. He talked to me about other things as well...I told him newfound fear kept me from making the decisions I was quick to make before cancer. He told me, emphatically, that this cancer was NOT coming back. I believed him. He stared at me with those steely blue eyes and never blinked. For a minute or two I, completely, felt what it was like to be cancer free. I didn't realize how much baggage cancer has been to my every day until that minute when I felt it was gone. Of course, as soon as I left the office I felt the way I always feel and that brief, wonderful moment was a memory. Maybe, I should record Dr. Glaspy saying that and I can listen to it every day. Hmmm, that's a thought. He'll think I've lost my  mind if he doesn't, already.

 

     My mood overall hasn't been very good. I seem to be noticing all the negative things about myself and perceive my future as the beginning of the end. Maybe this is an adjustment phase to a new reality...time will tell.

 

    New rules and regulations at work. New coach, new rules. Every coach has their 'new' things they want to dump on the employees. Some of it works great and most of it doesn't. So we muddle through until the next new coach. I wouldn't mind so much if the coach had experience in the department and brought an organized, researched, productive form of change. But, they don't. They come in and see mass amounts of work and minimal amount of people and, without experience in it, come up with attempts to lower the work and overload the people with favorable results. It never works. People get frustrated always having to bend to the ridiculousness of a new coach. My suggestion would be to a new coach "come in and get to know what it is that we do. Sit with the employees and watch the process. Take notes. Ask questions. See what it is that the employee needs to make the process more efficient.". But, no one asked me. At least with this one I see the mistakes big and bold and can address them. Some of the actions need to be addressed by the union representative 'cause they look a lil' illegal. I'm just saying

 

     I decided to drink greens instead of trying to eat them...did I blog about that, already? Well, anyway, this week I blended an apple, banana, avocado, matcha green tea power, flax seed oil, mixed chard and 2 cups of water. It doesn't have as much taste as the last batch...I think because I used water instead of apple juice. But, I like it better because it isn't grainy at all; it's very smooth.