STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!
    

Thank God.. .

...NOTHING CATASTROPHIC

My physical self has been as well as it can be. It has been, nearly, 3 weeks since chemo and,  although,  I feel well but my body is weak and tired. I can't force it to not be what it is. I can sleep 12 - 14 hours. My thighs burn just walking up the stairs. The slightest stretch pains my hamstrings. I can't close the hatch on the Explorer. Weak and tired. My skin is grey, thin and blotched. I am the ugliest person I know. 

Mentally, wow, I'm slipping like I did when I was first told I had cancer. I'm feeling like I have 5 years, tops to live.  I can't see myself old. It makes me sad. I can't imagine myself healthy like I want to be. I see myself jogging and fit,  happy and content but I can't see the road that will get me there. I am frustrated and sad. 

My school work is fine. I'm getting hits for format errors in the APA assignments. I don't care. I know exactly the errors as they happen. I'm rushed and sick and I know the paper I'm writing will still earn an A. So why does it bother me that the instructor hasn't figured that out? 

That's it. I'm tired. 

Can it be? An uneventful week?

It is an awesome feeling to look back and realize It was almost a completely normal week!

 

I tend to look at the bright side, the positive, because of the intensity of the alternative. So, in my, immediate, memory I think of the day at Universal and the way I felt that day. I think of the hike up the Towsley-Newhall Canyon View trail that Natalia and I climbed a few days ago and the way I felt doing that (great, by the way!). I think of the amazing change in my confidence to be around other people when I started wearing my beautiful wig. I revisit the conversations with people that made me feel elevated and happy. As a result, I give the other feelings little attention until they push their way to a place in my head and body that can't be ignored. The depression and disappointment can become me, It is who I am, at times. It's bigger than a feeling or a thought because it can't be doctored or costumed. It is me. I feel an evolution taking hold. The years I have spent cultivating my pearl of a personality - gone. It feels more honest, though. This is me. This is where I am comfortable. This is the me that calls a pig a pig. I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone but, you will know when you have offended, hurt, or, otherwise, are inappropriate. As my boss, you will know when you have treated me unfairly or if your tactics are borderline illegal. As a person that sends mixed signals, I shall say 'fuck you' and put you in a place that means nothing to me. For the ones I have spent so much time building a relationship that you so, easily, discarded I see you for who you are. Suddenly, it all becomes clear. There are no rose-colored glasses nor a desirous being to cloud the reality of anyone or thing. If you are a pig, I see you as a pig. It doesn't matter what I thought of you yesterday once you have been revealed it all goes away never to return. No one can redeem their image once I see them for who they are (this includes situations as well as people). I see my situation at work for what it is, too.

 

Maybe this makes no sense to anyone but me. Maybe it isn't meant to. This is where my journey is taking me.

 

My face is a source of discomfort for me, now. The indentation in my forehead from the reaction to Neulasta is not going away. The aging of my face and the lines in my skin are getting deeper. There is nothing I can do. There may never be anything I can do. This acknowledgment has resonated deep within me. It is a part of the catalyst to change. I looked in the mirror and my refection lit the fire to my uncovered me.

 

I am having chemo tomorrow. Number 5. There is a bit of apprehension because of what happened after round 4. But, I am anxious to get it over with, as well. Just get it done.

 

I went for my 3 month check-up with Dr. Demanes. Everything went well. No problems and no issues. We are, both, very happy with the treatment and the recovery. As we are talking the word 'guinea pig' comes up and the doctor tells me a story of his trip to Peru. The delicacy is guinea pig! He told me there is a portrait of the "Last Supper" in which Jesus is eating for his final meal..yes! A guinea pig! I laughed to hard. He did too. What a great story! I will revisit in 6 months. 

 

As I was exiting the doctor appointment, at the front check-in desk, a woman was standing behind me stopped me as I finished up my business. She was frail and on a walker but was probably my age. She explained that she overheard me say the Dr. Schmit was my doctor and she wanted to ask me a few questions. She was the patient of Dr. Chang but, due to circumstances beyond her control, was passed on to Dr. Schmit. The woman said that Dr. Schmit had nothing published and was listed as a general surgeon, board certified, but not breast cancer surgeon board certified and she was nervous. I was so honored to have an opportunity to tell her about my experience with Dr. Schmit. I told her not to worry. I explained what I had done and how he treated me. I told her she was in good hands and he would take, equally, good care of her. I told her he was the doctor that would discuss the options and let the patient make decisions on her own care so long as her health was no jeopardized - and, then, he would explain why it put her health in jeopardy. I tried to tell her all the things about my experience that would calm her and let her go into the appointment with an open mind. We  hugged after several minutes (ten, fifteen?) and we exchanged names (I didn't write her name down and it was not a name I have ever heard before). Her husband would, periodically, nod behind her as I was talking as if in approval that the things I was saying were helpful. I am glad. I left the building hoping that it worked out for her and that she would appreciate Dr. Schmit as much as I do.

 

It has been a pleasure driving the explorer to work and back! Thank you, Joe! Joe left Tuesday and won't be back sooner than Friday but, may be away longer, still. That sucks.

 

Natalia is enjoying her ballroom dancing lessons at D'Wilfri studios in Newhall. I am enjoying her enjoying them. :) She is doing great! She played me a couple songs on the piano and sang along for the first time. She impressed me, immensely!!!! I am so proud of her. She is self-teaching the piano and she tried to show me a few things. We laughed because I am not doing so well. I told her it's probably a mental block as for years my mother insisted I would be good at the piano because of my long fingers. I grew up with a piano in the house and the cat strolling across the keys sounded better than I did. A small, 16 key, organ for Christmas did nothing to encourage my playing, either. I could, probably, learn but it would be at a snails pace.

 

School is going better. I had to miss an assignment but I am hustling to make up for it and work the other discussion, journals and assignments the best I can. I want to finish my master's reflective of the student that I am - not the student that I am temporarily!

 

Oh well, its nearly 0200 - thank you pre-chemo meds :(.  I'm almost ready to go back to bed. Natalia has been sleeping with me since Joe left and she spends her days in there when I am at work. She said its the only place in the house that makes her feel comforted. That made me feel good but not so good that that was the only place in the house. I thinks he misses Joe. She is 15 and entering the years that will challenge her emotional control. I'll do whatever I can to help her through it. I'm sure Joe will, too.

 

So, in conclusion, I'm exhausted and not sleeping, tired (metaphorically) of wearing a cultivated personality and ready for this part of chemo to be over!!!



My Eyes Opened to the Beauty of Light

The Light of Day

 

A restless night of bone, joint and body aches was followed by a slow appearing streak of light that shone through the cotton curtains. In the fold, there was a stream of light along one panel of the pretty white curtains that adorn the French doors of my bedroom. The fold, moved gently with the air that passed through it from across the room. My eyelid peeled open, on this spot, and watched the movement -saw the light. There, I stayed feeling no urge to move or alter the view. So pretty was this image. My body was limp and haphazard on the bed with one eye, barely, open and the other in the pillow. So appreciated was this view. There was nothing else for as long as I allowed. Then, my ears welcomed the chirp of birds to accompany the view. Chirping, sunlight, movement. Time ticked and the noises waved in; the truck engine turned, the dog barked, and the mower chugged.

 

I willed myself to the bathroom and was shocked that the toilet bowl filled with blood. Was it a menstrual cycle? There was nothing spotted or leaking, but, the bowl was red. I felt no pain - no cramping, no back pain, nothing. I went downstairs and drank black, decaffeinated tea followed by a glass of water. Bathroom, repeat. I stopped the tea and went to water. The bowl filled with blood each time I went. I called Dr. Cohen and she advised I go back to the emergency room (kidney stone, perhaps) and then, when I told her I had no pain she suggested I drink water and see her tomorrow. I've had kidney stones before. During that episode I had a one-five minute episode of extreme pain that dropped me to the floor of the dining room. That was it. I was seen by, first, a doctor in Beverly Hills that wanted to throw in a breast exam with my visit and, second, by a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. The latter had invented a pill that expanded the urethra so the stone could pass freely - it worked. I've had other stones. They have caused discomfort but, never enough to alter my day. I have not experienced the large amount of blood in my urine. This is a first. I'm not convinced it is kidney stones - kidney related, yes. My nausea has been here and there all day along with the bone pain. My urine, as of now, is still red but, there is more clear in the mix. I keep drinking. I meander from the living room couch to the front room couch back to my room. There is no comfortable place when a body feels like this. It, just, doesn't exist.

 

But, the beauty of other things is comforting like it never was before. I delight in the yellow flower, the blueberry and sunlight. Never has there been such beauty for my eyes to see. I haven't seen such sights for as long as I can remember - veiled with the darkness and sadness of so much misery I missed the wonder of a yellow flower.