TODAY, WE RIDE....

...WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO?

 

     Today, I didn't have to call the Porter Ranch clinic because they called me first! Dr. Cohen asked her staff to call me to come in and get my IV. I did. I was there by 10:00 and weighed in. I haven't been this weight in 8 years, at least. I'm not too concerned, though. I've lost about 30 pounds since finding out I had cancer. I may have blogged that before - I can't remember. I'm anxious to get this part of treatment over so I can put my tennis shoes on and run. That's pretty much all I think about when I think of chemo #6. While soaking in the hydration my lab results were given to me by Collette - not so good. Two items of concern: WBC, Critical low - 1.7 and reference range is 4.0 - 10.0. AND Neutrophil, Critical low - .08 yes, that's not a typo, .08 and the reference range is 1.56 - 6.13. Dr. Cohen told me my count was 80 when it should be 8,000. This makes me Neutropenia. I can't have the cystoscopy on Wednesday (I thought it was tomorrow - good thing I called them) because of the Neutropenia. But, I need to see Dr. Sender anyway to figure out what is going on with the bladder/kidney stones. I am peeing blood and have pain when peeing. Dr. Cohen feels this is all related to the stones. I need to see him and go over everything and let him advise us next. Should I take the antibiotics for 10 days instead of 5? Change the antibiotic? Have another CT scan and see if puss is evident in the kidneys? And, my head cold is terrible right now, too. The antibiotic Dr. Cohen prescribed covers all the bases. When I saw her in the kitchen this morning she didn't recognize me at first but quickly realized it was me and hugged me. She is very sweet. She asked how things were going as we fixed our teas. I told her that when she texted me that there were no 24-pharmacies where she lived and I was lucky to find one (on Sunday, she gave me her cell number because she was wrangling kids when I called about my bladder issue)I thought about the pharmacist in NC (that served people and animals) that left his home number on the door and would come in, at any hour, to fill a prescription. She was shocked and asked what town that was. She told me her husband was worried that she gave me her cell number. We laughed about that. Seriously, that is funny when you think about it. But, that tells you what kind of a doctor she is. Wonderful. I feel like she should be my doctor - no, she is my doctor. Dr. Glaspy has been absent. When she was given my lab results she came over talked to me and told me we could lower the Carboplatin on chemo #6 because I was on a very high dose that could be reduced 20 percent. I'm all for it. She made me laugh, too. She is just a well-rounded doctor. I love her. Tomorrow, more fluids at Porter Ranch. I'm glad for this as I didn't urinate much, even, after the IV today. As a result I had more pain while urinating tonight.

 

No work tomorrow and I will call off Wednesday, as well. I don't mind. I really need a break from there, especially, now.

 

There is a great line from a 1963 movie, "In the Cool of the Day" with Jane Fonda and Angela Lansbury; Jane Fonda's character is talking to Angela Lansbury's character - they don't know each other well and Lansbury is scarred on her face. She doesn't go anywhere because she doesn't like being stared at or pitied. Fonda replies that she used to feel that way all the time when she was ill but then "learned that most of the time people don't really care enough to pity us". That's it in a nutshell, isn't it. I felt, oddly, validated by that line in this movie. That is was delivered by a young and beautiful Jane Fonda was a bonus. Not that I was feeling 'uncared' for today - quite the contrary. My friend at the VA that couldn't be my friend, not so long ago, has been a very good friend. He texted me this morning and asked if I was alright and told me to take care of me. Over the last couple of weeks he has been a very good friend, after all. I'll take it. My friend, Scott, texted today, as well. He never waivers from being my good friend. And, Joe - very good to me today. I hate that he will be leaving again in less than 10 days for 5 weeks. I will miss him. In fact, I miss him already. He's had too much work to tend to on the plane since his return. I hope we see something of him before he leaves.

 

My school assignment for week one of this new class was a bear. It's quite possible that I made it more difficult than it was. I'm having to read and reread to comprehend. I, swear, there are times it's like reading a foreign language! I have to walk away and come back another time and try to comprehend again.

 

With so many sleepless night in my rear window I decided to take a pain pill prescribed by the beloved Dr. Schmit after my surgery and a valium. I want a decent few hours of sleep tonight.

 



THE UP-CHUG OF THE ROLLERCOASTER

WHEN THE JOURNEY CLIMBS UPWARD

 

 

 

It's Sunday. I didn't go to church even though I was awake and moving. Am I moving away from religion? No. My relationship with God is fine. Mine is a quiet one and nothing will change that. I'll never be the one that shouts around the house or yells in the sanctuary. That is someone else's relationship. If, ever, there comes a time when God moves me in that direction, then, I shall go. For now, it is the way it is. I will, still, attend church. I, still, value the church family. Right now, I feel, the anxiety of having to be somewhere throughout every day; work, home, doctors, school, family...my relationship with God is with me everywhere and the building will be there next Sunday, too.

 

 

This past Thursday Natalia went with me to have the CT scan for my kidneys and bladder (as of today, no results). She was disappointed when she realized we were going to the facility close to home and not Porter Ranch or Westwood. We were sitting side-by-side in the waiting room and she texted that she didn't like it there; everyone was sad and sick. It told me a lot about how she is dealing/not dealing with what I am going through. I'm sure my situation affects how she sees sick and sad people. When I was done she asked if we were going to do anything since the day was young. She told me I wasn't the spontaneous person I once was. I really don't know what she's talking about. I have tried to do everything she wants to do unless I am, really, debilitated. Whether I am sick, tired and in pain I have done whatever she wants to do just because I don't want her to feel the brunt of my treatment. I guess she is thinking more about what cancer and treatment represents on the whole. She just didn't articulate it that way. In a side-note; Natalia cried when she watched the video of me and Joe Wildhaber that I posted with one of my blogs, recently. She said it made her sad because I looked so happy. I am, still, happy, but, she sees my situation and feels it must affect my happiness. She added, "you look model pretty, by the way". I guess I did. Cancer and treatment changes things. Whether it's obvious or not. Whether we go to the mall or not. The cancer and treatment comes with us. It shrouds us, always. The not-knowing and the uncertainty of the future. It's as if whatever we are doing it may be our last time. I know that I feel an experience differently. I take snapshots of everything, in my mind, and freeze it for a second. I notice that I am, slightly, bolder in areas as well such as, work. When I returned to work on Friday nothing was said about my request to be moved (again, this has been back and forth for months) to a more isolated, ventilated area of the building. Wednesday I submitted my doctor's note that outlined the reasons why I needed to be moved. I talked to my coach and handed him the note. He said he would take it to Deedra and see if they could do something. We've had this talk so many times. I have been turned down for every request that I have made in regards to my health. Rejected for advanced sick leave, rejected work from home and no attempts to move my workstation out of the enclosed, airtight, vent deprived sweat shop. I had enough. I went to the union reps office and talked to him. I have talked to him on the phone and at work and wanted to make time to join and find out my options. I have been wanting to do that since finding out I had cancer. I had a feeling the VA management would not consider me as I travelled this road. I didn't realize just how much I would be ignored, patronized and lied to. The pressure to produce numbers can drive people to do things they wouldn't want done to them. That's the reason my requests went unanswered or rejected. If I were an employee that did the minimum and never excelled at anything I'm sure I would have been accommodated. By noon on Friday, I had an isolated office on an empty floor with my computer installed. I spent the rest of Friday working, happily. The fear of contracting illness greatly reduced! Thank you, union!

 

Natalia and I went (spontaneously) to Universal Studios after my CT scan. I had a great time. I was, still, nauseous, but I didn't let it stop me. I was in an exceptional mood. I laughed at everything and Natalia and I made each other laugh all day. 2-hour lines? No problem! I was the most even-tempered and good natured I have been in a long, long time. The night before I dreamt about my beloved Joe Wildhaber; we walked around a small town and enjoyed our time together. That may have something to do with my buoyant mood. Natalia and I started our day at Universal in the Horror walk-through. I, usually, go through it and nothing scares me or affects me. Not this time! I screamed at everything. It was so much more fun being scared! We laughed and screamed our heads off to the end. We had lunch at the Purple Panda (Natalia's name for Panda Express) and shared a table with two Asian women in their late 40's. When they opened the fortune cookie they gave it to Natalia and asked what it was using gestures. We tried to use gestures to tell her it was a good fortune but, we were unsuccessful. After several minutes Natalia used her phone to look up a translator program and we asked if they spoke Japanese or Chinese so she could set the translator - they were baffled. Nothing we said computed. One of the women pulled out an iPad with a translator but, we couldn't figure it out because it was set to translate from their language to English. They got up to leave, shrugged, smiled and said 'bye'. As they were walking out Nat's translator started working. I grabbed her phone and rushed to the door and tapped on of them on the shoulder. When the translator showed our message in Taiwanese they said "no, no, no, made in China". Then, one pulled out a cardboard back of a small notebook and on it was written "made in China". So, I switched languages and was able to tell them that the fortune in their fortune cookie was good. :) My fortune was good, too. I am uploading a picture here.

 

I received a phone call from my friend that said he couldn't be my friend (I blogged about that some days ago) yesterday. He had to go quickly after we began to talk but, it was a pleasant surprise to hear from him. Go figure.

 

Joe's mother and sister came up from San Diego/Riverside yesterday. It was a very pleasant visit and I am so very grateful they made it. I enjoyed the time with Ginger (Joe's mom), especially. We went to eat at Dink's (my favorite place for fish) and I'm glad everyone enjoyed it a much as I do. Ginger and I sat on the patio near the koi ponds and listened to a two-man band playing hits from the 80s and 90s. The singer/guitar player was my age, if not older, and was, quite, good! Natalia, Joe and Sharon went inside the mall so Natalia could exchange her bathing suit at Forever 21. I enjoyed this time with Ginger very much! When we returned home it was time for them to leave. I look forward to their next visit.

 

Joe returned home from Tucson yesterday morning and will be going back this Tuesday until the plane is ready to return. We had a wonderful night after everyone was gone and Nat was asleep. We stood, naked, on the balcony (I was naked - who cares?!) and he was in boxers. We talked about things we planned years ago before I moved out here from North Carolina. The stars twinkled and traffic noises were muffled in the distance. The 5 was alight with cars going and coming and a cool breeze blew across our bodies. When it was time to call it a day, Joe came into my room and spent the night. The air conditioning was running and the TV was on. He slept in there anyway. And, I am grateful.

 

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/880QO9m4hGw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=880QO9m4hGw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

 

Joe with his sister's dog, Jordie

The office I, finally, acquired at work

The fortune in my cookie

Me and Natalia on Jurassic Park at Universal studios

French Street, Universal Studios



The Awesome House of Horrors! Nat was SCARED!! Zoom in on the little girl's face - poor thing.

Beetlejuice at Universal Studios

 



You know that little cloud with rain drops over your head....

"IT'S JUST BAD LUCK!"

 

That's the word, so far, after seeing Dr. Sender, urologist. I called the Porter Ranch clinic and made an appointment to see Dr. Cohen today; my urine was still as red as a stop sign. Once in the office I started cramping. Diarrhea! Really?, I asked myself. I grabbed a specimen cup and filled what I could. Dr. Cohen was so sweet. She apologized for the situation and told me that, in spite of everything, I still looked good - just pale and tired. We discussed the weekend and how I was feeling. She told me she was of the opinion that it was kidney stones. I told her of my past experiences with stones and other urinary system issues. She arranged for me to see a urologist in Newhall, by the Henry Mayo Hospital (so I would be close to home) and set me up in a chair to receive hydration and anti-nausea. My blood work came back good with the white blood cells 'low' but, that is to be expected since this is the time, after chemo, that they are at their lowest. Nothing else alarming in the results. About 2 hours later I was ready to go to Newhall and see the urologist. Joe brought the explorer to Porter Ranch and picked up the Saturn. His day was filled with a funeral and memorial service for the father of former shipmate. He returned just in time to trade cars with me.

 

I waited to see Dr. Sender for a couple of hours but it was worth the wait. His office is nondescript and, sort of, shabby, really. He seemed a bit disheveled in a handsome way and had a very approachable demeanor. Of course, none of that matter if he turns out to be a quack. Thankfully, he wasn't. We talked about my health history, surgeries, chemo and my current issue. He took me to a room and performed an ultrasound on both kidneys and my bladder. The right kidney has a 9.2 mm calcium stone and 3 other smaller objects (probably stones, as well). The left kidney has a 3 mm cyst in it. There is no swelling or indication that there was a uric acid stone present or had passed. If there were, that would indicate it was chemo related/created. Dr. Sender explained the breakdown of cells during chemo and how this can become the uric acid stone. Luckily, that's not happening. Dr. Sender said, "It's just bad luck!" With my history of stones, etc. now's as good a time as any to have this happen. Then, he made the comment "ya know that little cloud that follows you around above your head..." and I replied "Yes!" It's been like that the whole time! He made me chuckle a couple of times and put his hand on my shoulder when we were exiting and shared some words of encouragement. Tomorrow I will call Tower Imaging and make an appointment for a CT Scan for Dr. Sender. Then, we'll know, for sure, what is going on in the kidneys and bladder.

 

By the time I got home I was so weak and shaking. Not much to drink and nothing to eat all day. And, I was still nauseous. I made chicken noodle soup and plopped on the couch.

 

I can't explain the drop in blood pressure today, though. It was 121/80 in Porter Ranch and at Dr. Sender's, 115/77. Usually, it's 149/88 or something similar.

 

I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I don't feel horrible about it, either!



My urine around noon today as I collected a sample at Porter Ranch

My Eyes Opened to the Beauty of Light

The Light of Day

 

A restless night of bone, joint and body aches was followed by a slow appearing streak of light that shone through the cotton curtains. In the fold, there was a stream of light along one panel of the pretty white curtains that adorn the French doors of my bedroom. The fold, moved gently with the air that passed through it from across the room. My eyelid peeled open, on this spot, and watched the movement -saw the light. There, I stayed feeling no urge to move or alter the view. So pretty was this image. My body was limp and haphazard on the bed with one eye, barely, open and the other in the pillow. So appreciated was this view. There was nothing else for as long as I allowed. Then, my ears welcomed the chirp of birds to accompany the view. Chirping, sunlight, movement. Time ticked and the noises waved in; the truck engine turned, the dog barked, and the mower chugged.

 

I willed myself to the bathroom and was shocked that the toilet bowl filled with blood. Was it a menstrual cycle? There was nothing spotted or leaking, but, the bowl was red. I felt no pain - no cramping, no back pain, nothing. I went downstairs and drank black, decaffeinated tea followed by a glass of water. Bathroom, repeat. I stopped the tea and went to water. The bowl filled with blood each time I went. I called Dr. Cohen and she advised I go back to the emergency room (kidney stone, perhaps) and then, when I told her I had no pain she suggested I drink water and see her tomorrow. I've had kidney stones before. During that episode I had a one-five minute episode of extreme pain that dropped me to the floor of the dining room. That was it. I was seen by, first, a doctor in Beverly Hills that wanted to throw in a breast exam with my visit and, second, by a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. The latter had invented a pill that expanded the urethra so the stone could pass freely - it worked. I've had other stones. They have caused discomfort but, never enough to alter my day. I have not experienced the large amount of blood in my urine. This is a first. I'm not convinced it is kidney stones - kidney related, yes. My nausea has been here and there all day along with the bone pain. My urine, as of now, is still red but, there is more clear in the mix. I keep drinking. I meander from the living room couch to the front room couch back to my room. There is no comfortable place when a body feels like this. It, just, doesn't exist.

 

But, the beauty of other things is comforting like it never was before. I delight in the yellow flower, the blueberry and sunlight. Never has there been such beauty for my eyes to see. I haven't seen such sights for as long as I can remember - veiled with the darkness and sadness of so much misery I missed the wonder of a yellow flower.