Breast Cancer Now What?: THE UP-CHUG OF THE ROLLERCOASTER

WHEN THE JOURNEY CLIMBS UPWARD

It's Sunday. I didn't go to church even though I was awake and moving. Am I moving away from religion? No. My relationship with God is fine. Mine is a quiet one and nothing will change that. I'll never be the one that shouts around the house or yells in the sanctuary. That is someone else's relationship. If, ever, there comes a time when God moves me in that direction, then, I shall go. For now, it is the way it is. I will, still, attend church. I, still, value the church family. Right now, I feel, the anxiety of having to be somewhere throughout every day; work, home, doctors, school, family...my relationship with God is with me everywhere and the building will be there next Sunday, too.

This past Thursday Natalia went with me to have the CT scan for my kidneys and bladder (as of today, no results). She was disappointed when she realized we were going to the facility close to home and not Porter Ranch or Westwood. We were sitting side-by-side in the waiting room and she texted that she didn't like it there; everyone was sad and sick. It told me a lot about how she is dealing/not dealing with what I am going through. I'm sure my situation affects how she sees sick and sad people. When I was done she asked if we were going to do anything since the day was young. She told me I wasn't the spontaneous person I once was. I really don't know what she's talking about. I have tried to do everything she wants to do unless I am, really, debilitated. Whether I am sick, tired and in pain I have done whatever she wants to do just because I don't want her to feel the brunt of my treatment. I guess she is thinking more about what cancer and treatment represents on the whole. She just didn't articulate it that way. In a side-note; Natalia cried when she watched the video of me and Joe Wildhaber that I posted with one of my blogs, recently. She said it made her sad because I looked so happy. I am, still, happy, but, she sees my situation and feels it must affect my happiness. She added, "you look model pretty, by the way". I guess I did. Cancer and treatment changes things. Whether it's obvious or not. Whether we go to the mall or not. The cancer and treatment comes with us. It shrouds us, always. The not-knowing and the uncertainty of the future. It's as if whatever we are doing it may be our last time. I know that I feel an experience differently. I take snapshots of everything, in my mind, and freeze it for a second. I notice that I am, slightly, bolder in areas as well such as, work. When I returned to work on Friday nothing was said about my request to be moved (again, this has been back and forth for months) to a more isolated, ventilated area of the building. Wednesday I submitted my doctor's note that outlined the reasons why I needed to be moved. I talked to my coach and handed him the note. He said he would take it to Deedra and see if they could do something. We've had this talk so many times. I have been turned down for every request that I have made in regards to my health. Rejected for advanced sick leave, rejected work from home and no attempts to move my workstation out of the enclosed, airtight, vent deprived sweat shop. I had enough. I went to the union reps office and talked to him. I have talked to him on the phone and at work and wanted to make time to join and find out my options. I have been wanting to do that since finding out I had cancer. I had a feeling the VA management would not consider me as I travelled this road. I didn't realize just how much I would be ignored, patronized and lied to. The pressure to produce numbers can drive people to do things they wouldn't want done to them. That's the reason my requests went unanswered or rejected. If I were an employee that did the minimum and never excelled at anything I'm sure I would have been accommodated. By noon on Friday, I had an isolated office on an empty floor with my computer installed. I spent the rest of Friday working, happily. The fear of contracting illness greatly reduced! Thank you, union!

Natalia and I went (spontaneously) to Universal Studios after my CT scan. I had a great time. I was, still, nauseous, but I didn't let it stop me. I was in an exceptional mood. I laughed at everything and Natalia and I made each other laugh all day. 2-hour lines? No problem! I was the most even-tempered and good natured I have been in a long, long time. The night before I dreamt about my beloved Joe Wildhaber; we walked around a small town and enjoyed our time together. That may have something to do with my buoyant mood. Natalia and I started our day at Universal in the Horror walk-through. I, usually, go through it and nothing scares me or affects me. Not this time! I screamed at everything. It was so much more fun being scared! We laughed and screamed our heads off to the end. We had lunch at the Purple Panda (Natalia's name for Panda Express) and shared a table with two Asian women in their late 40's. When they opened the fortune cookie they gave it to Natalia and asked what it was using gestures. We tried to use gestures to tell her it was a good fortune but, we were unsuccessful. After several minutes Natalia used her phone to look up a translator program and we asked if they spoke Japanese or Chinese so she could set the translator - they were baffled. Nothing we said computed. One of the women pulled out an iPad with a translator but, we couldn't figure it out because it was set to translate from their language to English. They got up to leave, shrugged, smiled and said 'bye'. As they were walking out Nat's translator started working. I grabbed her phone and rushed to the door and tapped on of them on the shoulder. When the translator showed our message in Taiwanese they said "no, no, no, made in China". Then, one pulled out a cardboard back of a small notebook and on it was written "made in China". So, I switched languages and was able to tell them that the fortune in their fortune cookie was good. :) My fortune was good, too. I am uploading a picture here.

I received a phone call from my friend that said he couldn't be my friend (I blogged about that some days ago) yesterday. He had to go quickly after we began to talk but, it was a pleasant surprise to hear from him. Go figure.

Joe's mother and sister came up from San Diego/Riverside yesterday. It was a very pleasant visit and I am so very grateful they made it. I enjoyed the time with Ginger (Joe's mom), especially. We went to eat at Dink's (my favorite place for fish) and I'm glad everyone enjoyed it a much as I do. Ginger and I sat on the patio near the koi ponds and listened to a two-man band playing hits from the 80s and 90s. The singer/guitar player was my age, if not older, and was, quite, good! Natalia, Joe and Sharon went inside the mall so Natalia could exchange her bathing suit at Forever 21. I enjoyed this time with Ginger very much! When we returned home it was time for them to leave. I look forward to their next visit.

Joe returned home from Tucson yesterday morning and will be going back this Tuesday until the plane is ready to return. We had a wonderful night after everyone was gone and Nat was asleep. We stood, naked, on the balcony (I was naked - who cares?!) and he was in boxers. We talked about things we planned years ago before I moved out here from North Carolina. The stars twinkled and traffic noises were muffled in the distance. The 5 was alight with cars going and coming and a cool breeze blew across our bodies. When it was time to call it a day, Joe came into my room and spent the night. The air conditioning was running and the TV was on. He slept in there anyway. And, I am grateful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=880QO9m4hGw&feature=youtube_gdata_player