My Eyes Opened to the Beauty of Light

The Light of Day

 

A restless night of bone, joint and body aches was followed by a slow appearing streak of light that shone through the cotton curtains. In the fold, there was a stream of light along one panel of the pretty white curtains that adorn the French doors of my bedroom. The fold, moved gently with the air that passed through it from across the room. My eyelid peeled open, on this spot, and watched the movement -saw the light. There, I stayed feeling no urge to move or alter the view. So pretty was this image. My body was limp and haphazard on the bed with one eye, barely, open and the other in the pillow. So appreciated was this view. There was nothing else for as long as I allowed. Then, my ears welcomed the chirp of birds to accompany the view. Chirping, sunlight, movement. Time ticked and the noises waved in; the truck engine turned, the dog barked, and the mower chugged.

 

I willed myself to the bathroom and was shocked that the toilet bowl filled with blood. Was it a menstrual cycle? There was nothing spotted or leaking, but, the bowl was red. I felt no pain - no cramping, no back pain, nothing. I went downstairs and drank black, decaffeinated tea followed by a glass of water. Bathroom, repeat. I stopped the tea and went to water. The bowl filled with blood each time I went. I called Dr. Cohen and she advised I go back to the emergency room (kidney stone, perhaps) and then, when I told her I had no pain she suggested I drink water and see her tomorrow. I've had kidney stones before. During that episode I had a one-five minute episode of extreme pain that dropped me to the floor of the dining room. That was it. I was seen by, first, a doctor in Beverly Hills that wanted to throw in a breast exam with my visit and, second, by a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. The latter had invented a pill that expanded the urethra so the stone could pass freely - it worked. I've had other stones. They have caused discomfort but, never enough to alter my day. I have not experienced the large amount of blood in my urine. This is a first. I'm not convinced it is kidney stones - kidney related, yes. My nausea has been here and there all day along with the bone pain. My urine, as of now, is still red but, there is more clear in the mix. I keep drinking. I meander from the living room couch to the front room couch back to my room. There is no comfortable place when a body feels like this. It, just, doesn't exist.

 

But, the beauty of other things is comforting like it never was before. I delight in the yellow flower, the blueberry and sunlight. Never has there been such beauty for my eyes to see. I haven't seen such sights for as long as I can remember - veiled with the darkness and sadness of so much misery I missed the wonder of a yellow flower.