There aren't enough Lorazapam in the world...

God Bless Drugs...But When They Aren't Enough...

 



Chemotherapy today. Natalia went with me and took some funny short videos that I will try to post. It was nice having her with me but, I felt like she was uncomfortable. She never left the chair (not the most comfortable) except to go to the bathroom and stretch out in my lounger while I was in the bathroom. Even though my Benadryl was cut in half (my request) I was still drowsy and fell asleep to Monument Men on my iPad. I was WARM, though! I brought my faux-fur electric blanket, zip-up hoodie and pillow! I was WARM. I told Natalia to dress warm so she wore a very warm flannel jacket but with shorts! haha. I doubt she'll go with me next time and that's okay, I appreciate this time!

 

I received terrible news two days in a row. Yesterday, my niece, Melissa, told me that her husband is scheduled to see a "cancer doctor" next week. She is devastated. He seems of the opinion that it is out of his hands and he goes on. I know that Melissa is thinking all kinds of things and her emotions must be all over the place. As we texted, the not knowing is the worst. This time, in between being referred and test results is a dark hole in space and time. You do nothing but defy gravity and float, aimlessly, with thoughts that shoot like stars in and out of your mind. Here, one does the most thinking and tapping into corners of the mind that had been untapped for years. Its as if colors are vibrant and sounds are amplified and nerve endings come alive - simultaneously. Nothing can settle any of it. Everything works its way back down as one goes through the process of talking to doctors, taking tests, hearing results and making a plan. She has been so good to me during my ordeal with cancer; she talks to me frequently, asks how I'm doing, listens to me and laughs with me. I love her as my own and I will be with her every step of the way. If I were living nearer to her I could do more, but, I will do what is possible from 3,000 miles away.

 

My other terrible news; there is someone I care deeply for that I met a the VA. He has always been very nice and was the first to introduce himself to me when I began work as a NPWE. I sat by myself in IPC and shuffled paper - head down, focused on the task. I made no attempt to greet people or engage in conversation as I was always learning and trying to pick things up in a passing conversation or found notes someone neglected to put away. I was a knowledge scavenger, of sorts. But, he was persistent and asked what I liked to watch on T.V., if I ever ate lunch and how did I like what I was doing, etc. We became friends and would go on walks at lunch or have lunch together. We met outside of work and he met Natalia. He came over to the house a few times and watched Natalia play a video game, he watched TV with me and after my surgery, he came by to see how I was and was quite wonderful. He insisted I was standing too much while talking to him and said I should be sitting - that sort of thing. We talked and texted on the phone, day and night, and we were open to any conversation. He has been very supportive and caring. He looked into apartments in Santa Monica for me when I told him my daughter and I were thinking about moving so I could be closer to work. We IM'd at work and made each other laugh. Now, he doesn't want to be friends any more. His initially reaction when I told him I had breast cancer was shock. I remember standing outside the federal building and his face went blank as he stared out over the parking lot taking in the news. I don't know what he was thinking but shock and racing thoughts were visible in his eyes and the expression on his face. Since that moment he has slowly slipped away. Less calls, less texts, no more visits and we haven't met outside of work in a long time. We don't go on walks or have lunch. He surprised me outside of work recently after I sent him a text "you suck" because of his slipping friendship. He waited outside, by my car, after work and said I was "really giving it to him" and he explained that he was busy with a second job, his mother and father, and the mother of his son. He apologized for not being the friend he should be, he said he cares about me a lot and thinks about me all the time and he hugged me tight. Then, back to sporadic texting and calls. Tonight, we are no longer friends. We texted back and forth and he asked if I was "okay". I am devastated but, I didn't say that. I told him it really doesn't matter how his choices make me feel. They are his decisions to make. I don't understand. If my having cancer is too much for him, then I would rather him just say it. I know it's too much for people. The outcome is so unpredictable and instead of 'friends-to-the-end' they don't want to be around in the end if it all goes badly. Facing the uncertainty of cancer's reign is too much for some to live with. I imagine he must look at me or think about me and imagine my end. It happens, to some. An unpleasant end becomes all they see. There is a chance that I will live a normal life span and be fine but, the possibility that I won't, becomes all consuming. As a result, I lost my only, true, friend on the west coast. It makes me sick inside and leaves an empty place in my heart. I will miss him.

http://www.youtube.com/attribution_link?a=tF6fqwp8W3c&u=/watch%3Fv%3D4fWyzwo1xg0%26feature%3Dem-share_video_user

Paul Simon – Sounds Of Silence Lyrics

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Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

 

 

I am going to work tomorrow. I would, normally, not go the day after chemo because of the Neulasta injection but that is no more. Last round I stayed home on Friday because I wasn't sure how I would be without the Neulasta. I needed to make sure that with chemo, alone, I would be fine the following day. I feel that I am. The ill effects don't hit me until the evening of the day after and then for a few days I feel terrible.

I have a rash on my left hand. I don't know if it's from the sun - driving from work to home the sun hits that part of me and my visor doesn't cover. I need to remember to bring something to cover it. I usually wear long sleeves so I don't think to bring something. I have to remember! It could be from an insect bite, too. I leave all the doors and windows open in my room. I've had bees, monarch butterflies, dragonflies, bats and small insects share my room with me. It could be one of them. As the rash heals and peels I notice there is one spot that looks like a bite. I may never know. I saw Dr. Cohen today as Dr. Glaspy is on vacation. She was very pleasant today and it was an enjoyable visit. Maybe I judged her too harshly, before. Collette was surprised to see my hair was still with me! I still have the thinned hair on my head, hair on my arms, legs, arm pits, eyebrows, lashes and pubic hair is a patch on the pubic bone (all else is gone). She said "someone's looking out for you!". I agreed!

That's all for now. Time for lorazepam...maybe two or three tonight.

Awe Nat sat in this chair, just like this, all day :(

As Adam said, "She jacked your bed? Lol"

Mystery rash on my left writs

ME AND MY BELOVED JOE WILDHABER. MY GOD HOW I MISS YOU MY LAST, ONLY TRUE FRIEND. TAKEN AT BLAKLEYS, GREENBRIDGE, VA 1992 A FEW MONTHS BEFORE HE DIED IN A SINGLE CAR ACCIDENT COMING TO MY HOUSE. RIP.