SO FAR SO GOOD.. .

...HOLDING MY BREATH

I was given the first chemo of my new phase - herceptin - this past Wednesday; it's Saturday and I am feeling fine. With the previous Chemo, I would be suffering by now. 

Dr. Cohen told me I  was "one tough broad" as we talked after chemo. Our conversation was about my limitations with herceptin (for me,  none! ) and follow up care in regards to my kidneys and bladder. She assured me that I would be feeling better in about 6 months and I  told her that,  although, I had my days I never,  really,  felt that bad. She smiled and made the comment about me being tough and then went on to give the example of the kidney issue/bleeding and my calm, matter-of-fact demeaner while dealing with it. I work,  I hike,  ride horses,  walk, run up steps, laugh, and live each day to the fullest as I am able. I know how fortunate I am to be doing so well. That's, exactly, the reason why I push myself beyond what my body is telling me. I am so blessed. It may be my imagination,  but,  it seems the pitted scar on my forehead (from neulasta) is healing. The hair on my head is growing; I have a good stubble going. I am, still, tired, but, not as debilitated. 

I bought a bottle of green vegetable drink last week and have been drinking a glass every morning. I follow it with ensure. This seems to be keeping my digestion and intestinal track running smoothly. My sleep is,  still,  disturbed. I wake up sweating and my heart racing; typical of nightmares but I don't remember the bad dream,  if that's what wakes me. My short term memory isn't great,  yet. I don't fret so much so long as it's not severe. 

Work has been stressful but I  put that on myself . My standards for myself are higher than what anyone has put on me. I need to, constantly, remind myself to calm down. Lenny has been an awesome friend and our friendship continues to flourish and surprise me with depth! I am grateful beyond words! Without the beautiful relationships established in the workplace the job would be colorless. God bless my friendships.

TODAY, WE RIDE....

...WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO?

 

     Today, I didn't have to call the Porter Ranch clinic because they called me first! Dr. Cohen asked her staff to call me to come in and get my IV. I did. I was there by 10:00 and weighed in. I haven't been this weight in 8 years, at least. I'm not too concerned, though. I've lost about 30 pounds since finding out I had cancer. I may have blogged that before - I can't remember. I'm anxious to get this part of treatment over so I can put my tennis shoes on and run. That's pretty much all I think about when I think of chemo #6. While soaking in the hydration my lab results were given to me by Collette - not so good. Two items of concern: WBC, Critical low - 1.7 and reference range is 4.0 - 10.0. AND Neutrophil, Critical low - .08 yes, that's not a typo, .08 and the reference range is 1.56 - 6.13. Dr. Cohen told me my count was 80 when it should be 8,000. This makes me Neutropenia. I can't have the cystoscopy on Wednesday (I thought it was tomorrow - good thing I called them) because of the Neutropenia. But, I need to see Dr. Sender anyway to figure out what is going on with the bladder/kidney stones. I am peeing blood and have pain when peeing. Dr. Cohen feels this is all related to the stones. I need to see him and go over everything and let him advise us next. Should I take the antibiotics for 10 days instead of 5? Change the antibiotic? Have another CT scan and see if puss is evident in the kidneys? And, my head cold is terrible right now, too. The antibiotic Dr. Cohen prescribed covers all the bases. When I saw her in the kitchen this morning she didn't recognize me at first but quickly realized it was me and hugged me. She is very sweet. She asked how things were going as we fixed our teas. I told her that when she texted me that there were no 24-pharmacies where she lived and I was lucky to find one (on Sunday, she gave me her cell number because she was wrangling kids when I called about my bladder issue)I thought about the pharmacist in NC (that served people and animals) that left his home number on the door and would come in, at any hour, to fill a prescription. She was shocked and asked what town that was. She told me her husband was worried that she gave me her cell number. We laughed about that. Seriously, that is funny when you think about it. But, that tells you what kind of a doctor she is. Wonderful. I feel like she should be my doctor - no, she is my doctor. Dr. Glaspy has been absent. When she was given my lab results she came over talked to me and told me we could lower the Carboplatin on chemo #6 because I was on a very high dose that could be reduced 20 percent. I'm all for it. She made me laugh, too. She is just a well-rounded doctor. I love her. Tomorrow, more fluids at Porter Ranch. I'm glad for this as I didn't urinate much, even, after the IV today. As a result I had more pain while urinating tonight.

 

No work tomorrow and I will call off Wednesday, as well. I don't mind. I really need a break from there, especially, now.

 

There is a great line from a 1963 movie, "In the Cool of the Day" with Jane Fonda and Angela Lansbury; Jane Fonda's character is talking to Angela Lansbury's character - they don't know each other well and Lansbury is scarred on her face. She doesn't go anywhere because she doesn't like being stared at or pitied. Fonda replies that she used to feel that way all the time when she was ill but then "learned that most of the time people don't really care enough to pity us". That's it in a nutshell, isn't it. I felt, oddly, validated by that line in this movie. That is was delivered by a young and beautiful Jane Fonda was a bonus. Not that I was feeling 'uncared' for today - quite the contrary. My friend at the VA that couldn't be my friend, not so long ago, has been a very good friend. He texted me this morning and asked if I was alright and told me to take care of me. Over the last couple of weeks he has been a very good friend, after all. I'll take it. My friend, Scott, texted today, as well. He never waivers from being my good friend. And, Joe - very good to me today. I hate that he will be leaving again in less than 10 days for 5 weeks. I will miss him. In fact, I miss him already. He's had too much work to tend to on the plane since his return. I hope we see something of him before he leaves.

 

My school assignment for week one of this new class was a bear. It's quite possible that I made it more difficult than it was. I'm having to read and reread to comprehend. I, swear, there are times it's like reading a foreign language! I have to walk away and come back another time and try to comprehend again.

 

With so many sleepless night in my rear window I decided to take a pain pill prescribed by the beloved Dr. Schmit after my surgery and a valium. I want a decent few hours of sleep tonight.

 



You know that little cloud with rain drops over your head....

"IT'S JUST BAD LUCK!"

 

That's the word, so far, after seeing Dr. Sender, urologist. I called the Porter Ranch clinic and made an appointment to see Dr. Cohen today; my urine was still as red as a stop sign. Once in the office I started cramping. Diarrhea! Really?, I asked myself. I grabbed a specimen cup and filled what I could. Dr. Cohen was so sweet. She apologized for the situation and told me that, in spite of everything, I still looked good - just pale and tired. We discussed the weekend and how I was feeling. She told me she was of the opinion that it was kidney stones. I told her of my past experiences with stones and other urinary system issues. She arranged for me to see a urologist in Newhall, by the Henry Mayo Hospital (so I would be close to home) and set me up in a chair to receive hydration and anti-nausea. My blood work came back good with the white blood cells 'low' but, that is to be expected since this is the time, after chemo, that they are at their lowest. Nothing else alarming in the results. About 2 hours later I was ready to go to Newhall and see the urologist. Joe brought the explorer to Porter Ranch and picked up the Saturn. His day was filled with a funeral and memorial service for the father of former shipmate. He returned just in time to trade cars with me.

 

I waited to see Dr. Sender for a couple of hours but it was worth the wait. His office is nondescript and, sort of, shabby, really. He seemed a bit disheveled in a handsome way and had a very approachable demeanor. Of course, none of that matter if he turns out to be a quack. Thankfully, he wasn't. We talked about my health history, surgeries, chemo and my current issue. He took me to a room and performed an ultrasound on both kidneys and my bladder. The right kidney has a 9.2 mm calcium stone and 3 other smaller objects (probably stones, as well). The left kidney has a 3 mm cyst in it. There is no swelling or indication that there was a uric acid stone present or had passed. If there were, that would indicate it was chemo related/created. Dr. Sender explained the breakdown of cells during chemo and how this can become the uric acid stone. Luckily, that's not happening. Dr. Sender said, "It's just bad luck!" With my history of stones, etc. now's as good a time as any to have this happen. Then, he made the comment "ya know that little cloud that follows you around above your head..." and I replied "Yes!" It's been like that the whole time! He made me chuckle a couple of times and put his hand on my shoulder when we were exiting and shared some words of encouragement. Tomorrow I will call Tower Imaging and make an appointment for a CT Scan for Dr. Sender. Then, we'll know, for sure, what is going on in the kidneys and bladder.

 

By the time I got home I was so weak and shaking. Not much to drink and nothing to eat all day. And, I was still nauseous. I made chicken noodle soup and plopped on the couch.

 

I can't explain the drop in blood pressure today, though. It was 121/80 in Porter Ranch and at Dr. Sender's, 115/77. Usually, it's 149/88 or something similar.

 

I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I don't feel horrible about it, either!



My urine around noon today as I collected a sample at Porter Ranch

My Eyes Opened to the Beauty of Light

The Light of Day

 

A restless night of bone, joint and body aches was followed by a slow appearing streak of light that shone through the cotton curtains. In the fold, there was a stream of light along one panel of the pretty white curtains that adorn the French doors of my bedroom. The fold, moved gently with the air that passed through it from across the room. My eyelid peeled open, on this spot, and watched the movement -saw the light. There, I stayed feeling no urge to move or alter the view. So pretty was this image. My body was limp and haphazard on the bed with one eye, barely, open and the other in the pillow. So appreciated was this view. There was nothing else for as long as I allowed. Then, my ears welcomed the chirp of birds to accompany the view. Chirping, sunlight, movement. Time ticked and the noises waved in; the truck engine turned, the dog barked, and the mower chugged.

 

I willed myself to the bathroom and was shocked that the toilet bowl filled with blood. Was it a menstrual cycle? There was nothing spotted or leaking, but, the bowl was red. I felt no pain - no cramping, no back pain, nothing. I went downstairs and drank black, decaffeinated tea followed by a glass of water. Bathroom, repeat. I stopped the tea and went to water. The bowl filled with blood each time I went. I called Dr. Cohen and she advised I go back to the emergency room (kidney stone, perhaps) and then, when I told her I had no pain she suggested I drink water and see her tomorrow. I've had kidney stones before. During that episode I had a one-five minute episode of extreme pain that dropped me to the floor of the dining room. That was it. I was seen by, first, a doctor in Beverly Hills that wanted to throw in a breast exam with my visit and, second, by a doctor at Cedars-Sinai. The latter had invented a pill that expanded the urethra so the stone could pass freely - it worked. I've had other stones. They have caused discomfort but, never enough to alter my day. I have not experienced the large amount of blood in my urine. This is a first. I'm not convinced it is kidney stones - kidney related, yes. My nausea has been here and there all day along with the bone pain. My urine, as of now, is still red but, there is more clear in the mix. I keep drinking. I meander from the living room couch to the front room couch back to my room. There is no comfortable place when a body feels like this. It, just, doesn't exist.

 

But, the beauty of other things is comforting like it never was before. I delight in the yellow flower, the blueberry and sunlight. Never has there been such beauty for my eyes to see. I haven't seen such sights for as long as I can remember - veiled with the darkness and sadness of so much misery I missed the wonder of a yellow flower.