Free to be poked and prodded once again...

 

 

 

LUCKY ME, ALL CLEAR FOR CYSTOSCOPY, ET AL...

 

 

     I had the cystoscopy with Dr. Sender yesterday. It went well; nothing irregular in the bladder or the urethra. The scope, itself, was uncomfortable but, I've had this before so I knew what to expect. I'm still sore today and it hurts to pee but, it's getting better. It's worth a little discomfort to be thorough. Dr. Sender was Dr. Sender and his dry sense of humor made the visit a little more bearable. It's odd that a urologist has such a good bedside manner. Or - it, just, seems odd. I don't know, maybe they have the best bedside manner. The urologists that I have been to were military or VA - that's no laughing matter.

    

     When I got home after the doctor appointment and picking Natalia up from school I was in pain. I helped myself to 4 Azo, 4 motrin and 1 lorazapam. I took Natalia back to school for her showchoir practice and went to bed for a nap. Hours later, Natalia was shaking me awake. I slept through phone calls, alarms. door bells, and banging on the door. I didn't hear any of it! Natalia had to get a ride home from a friend and break in through a window. Joe had tried to call and when I didn't answer after so many tries he called a neighbor. The neighbor came over and rang the door bell and knocked on the door. Nothing. When Natalia, did, wake me up it wasn't a relief that I was alive (you know, 'thank God, I was thinking the worst', kind of thing). I don't know what they were thinking. Did they think I just decided to take a nap and ignore the attempts to wake me up? I don't know, it's weird how neither of them said anything about it. Well, Joe, did, say that when I see the neighbors (that he called to ring the doorbell) that I should smile and wave and say 'hi'. That's weird, too. At least Joe offered to drive us back to the house when I picked him up from work last night. Joe asked how I was today - if I was feeling alright when he got home from work. I appreciate the question. I know it's something so small in light of the situation and its enormity but, it's all I get and I'll appreciate it. Sure, I would love a flower and a card now and then or a hug and words of support - how about, a surprise night out to dinner and a movie or a ride along the coast. Yes, there are things that I would do if the roles were reversed; I would always let him know that I loved him and that he would get through this. I would comfort him in any way I could. I would go with him to doctor appointment and chemotherapy. I would ask what he needed. Mostly, I would be paying attention to his situation and helping where it was obvious that I could. I would get him an electric blanket for the chemo room once I knew how cold it was, I would make a tray of sampler foods to see if any of them would taste good to him during chemo, I would make sure he had all his meds and took them as prescribed (it gets crazy around chemo days and which meds when can be overwhelming), I would help him shower and change his sheets knowing how sweat stained they get....on and on and on. But I am the partner of someone who doesn't think of these things. By saying 'let me know if you need anything' he's off the hook. I spend too much time thinking about all this. I think I'm over it and accept it for what it is and then the hurt and sadness of being neglected hit all over again. I guess I will have to deal with it over and over until I have found a permanent place to put the bad feelings and memories to rest. Everyday work out.

 

     I took the day off of work today because of the discomfort when urinating. I don't drink as much water as I should when I'm at work and I knew I needed to drink a lot of water. The car situation doesn't help motivate me to go to work, either. As long as the Saturn is not road ready (2 failed smog tests) then I don't want to go to work. The trouble it takes to get me there and pick me up make me uncomfortable. I don't like infringing on anyone - even Joe.

 

     Dr. Glaspy said I was doing very well. Now that I am on Herceptin, only, I'm ready for 5 years of Tamoxifen. So, I started it today - 20 mg a day. I'm not so sure I'm the candidate that the medicine was designed for but, it's an added precautionary drug - free radicals and all. He talked to me about other things as well...I told him newfound fear kept me from making the decisions I was quick to make before cancer. He told me, emphatically, that this cancer was NOT coming back. I believed him. He stared at me with those steely blue eyes and never blinked. For a minute or two I, completely, felt what it was like to be cancer free. I didn't realize how much baggage cancer has been to my every day until that minute when I felt it was gone. Of course, as soon as I left the office I felt the way I always feel and that brief, wonderful moment was a memory. Maybe, I should record Dr. Glaspy saying that and I can listen to it every day. Hmmm, that's a thought. He'll think I've lost my  mind if he doesn't, already.

 

     My mood overall hasn't been very good. I seem to be noticing all the negative things about myself and perceive my future as the beginning of the end. Maybe this is an adjustment phase to a new reality...time will tell.

 

    New rules and regulations at work. New coach, new rules. Every coach has their 'new' things they want to dump on the employees. Some of it works great and most of it doesn't. So we muddle through until the next new coach. I wouldn't mind so much if the coach had experience in the department and brought an organized, researched, productive form of change. But, they don't. They come in and see mass amounts of work and minimal amount of people and, without experience in it, come up with attempts to lower the work and overload the people with favorable results. It never works. People get frustrated always having to bend to the ridiculousness of a new coach. My suggestion would be to a new coach "come in and get to know what it is that we do. Sit with the employees and watch the process. Take notes. Ask questions. See what it is that the employee needs to make the process more efficient.". But, no one asked me. At least with this one I see the mistakes big and bold and can address them. Some of the actions need to be addressed by the union representative 'cause they look a lil' illegal. I'm just saying

 

     I decided to drink greens instead of trying to eat them...did I blog about that, already? Well, anyway, this week I blended an apple, banana, avocado, matcha green tea power, flax seed oil, mixed chard and 2 cups of water. It doesn't have as much taste as the last batch...I think because I used water instead of apple juice. But, I like it better because it isn't grainy at all; it's very smooth.

 



 

 

TODAY, WE RIDE....

...WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO?

 

     Today, I didn't have to call the Porter Ranch clinic because they called me first! Dr. Cohen asked her staff to call me to come in and get my IV. I did. I was there by 10:00 and weighed in. I haven't been this weight in 8 years, at least. I'm not too concerned, though. I've lost about 30 pounds since finding out I had cancer. I may have blogged that before - I can't remember. I'm anxious to get this part of treatment over so I can put my tennis shoes on and run. That's pretty much all I think about when I think of chemo #6. While soaking in the hydration my lab results were given to me by Collette - not so good. Two items of concern: WBC, Critical low - 1.7 and reference range is 4.0 - 10.0. AND Neutrophil, Critical low - .08 yes, that's not a typo, .08 and the reference range is 1.56 - 6.13. Dr. Cohen told me my count was 80 when it should be 8,000. This makes me Neutropenia. I can't have the cystoscopy on Wednesday (I thought it was tomorrow - good thing I called them) because of the Neutropenia. But, I need to see Dr. Sender anyway to figure out what is going on with the bladder/kidney stones. I am peeing blood and have pain when peeing. Dr. Cohen feels this is all related to the stones. I need to see him and go over everything and let him advise us next. Should I take the antibiotics for 10 days instead of 5? Change the antibiotic? Have another CT scan and see if puss is evident in the kidneys? And, my head cold is terrible right now, too. The antibiotic Dr. Cohen prescribed covers all the bases. When I saw her in the kitchen this morning she didn't recognize me at first but quickly realized it was me and hugged me. She is very sweet. She asked how things were going as we fixed our teas. I told her that when she texted me that there were no 24-pharmacies where she lived and I was lucky to find one (on Sunday, she gave me her cell number because she was wrangling kids when I called about my bladder issue)I thought about the pharmacist in NC (that served people and animals) that left his home number on the door and would come in, at any hour, to fill a prescription. She was shocked and asked what town that was. She told me her husband was worried that she gave me her cell number. We laughed about that. Seriously, that is funny when you think about it. But, that tells you what kind of a doctor she is. Wonderful. I feel like she should be my doctor - no, she is my doctor. Dr. Glaspy has been absent. When she was given my lab results she came over talked to me and told me we could lower the Carboplatin on chemo #6 because I was on a very high dose that could be reduced 20 percent. I'm all for it. She made me laugh, too. She is just a well-rounded doctor. I love her. Tomorrow, more fluids at Porter Ranch. I'm glad for this as I didn't urinate much, even, after the IV today. As a result I had more pain while urinating tonight.

 

No work tomorrow and I will call off Wednesday, as well. I don't mind. I really need a break from there, especially, now.

 

There is a great line from a 1963 movie, "In the Cool of the Day" with Jane Fonda and Angela Lansbury; Jane Fonda's character is talking to Angela Lansbury's character - they don't know each other well and Lansbury is scarred on her face. She doesn't go anywhere because she doesn't like being stared at or pitied. Fonda replies that she used to feel that way all the time when she was ill but then "learned that most of the time people don't really care enough to pity us". That's it in a nutshell, isn't it. I felt, oddly, validated by that line in this movie. That is was delivered by a young and beautiful Jane Fonda was a bonus. Not that I was feeling 'uncared' for today - quite the contrary. My friend at the VA that couldn't be my friend, not so long ago, has been a very good friend. He texted me this morning and asked if I was alright and told me to take care of me. Over the last couple of weeks he has been a very good friend, after all. I'll take it. My friend, Scott, texted today, as well. He never waivers from being my good friend. And, Joe - very good to me today. I hate that he will be leaving again in less than 10 days for 5 weeks. I will miss him. In fact, I miss him already. He's had too much work to tend to on the plane since his return. I hope we see something of him before he leaves.

 

My school assignment for week one of this new class was a bear. It's quite possible that I made it more difficult than it was. I'm having to read and reread to comprehend. I, swear, there are times it's like reading a foreign language! I have to walk away and come back another time and try to comprehend again.

 

With so many sleepless night in my rear window I decided to take a pain pill prescribed by the beloved Dr. Schmit after my surgery and a valium. I want a decent few hours of sleep tonight.

 



You know that little cloud with rain drops over your head....

"IT'S JUST BAD LUCK!"

 

That's the word, so far, after seeing Dr. Sender, urologist. I called the Porter Ranch clinic and made an appointment to see Dr. Cohen today; my urine was still as red as a stop sign. Once in the office I started cramping. Diarrhea! Really?, I asked myself. I grabbed a specimen cup and filled what I could. Dr. Cohen was so sweet. She apologized for the situation and told me that, in spite of everything, I still looked good - just pale and tired. We discussed the weekend and how I was feeling. She told me she was of the opinion that it was kidney stones. I told her of my past experiences with stones and other urinary system issues. She arranged for me to see a urologist in Newhall, by the Henry Mayo Hospital (so I would be close to home) and set me up in a chair to receive hydration and anti-nausea. My blood work came back good with the white blood cells 'low' but, that is to be expected since this is the time, after chemo, that they are at their lowest. Nothing else alarming in the results. About 2 hours later I was ready to go to Newhall and see the urologist. Joe brought the explorer to Porter Ranch and picked up the Saturn. His day was filled with a funeral and memorial service for the father of former shipmate. He returned just in time to trade cars with me.

 

I waited to see Dr. Sender for a couple of hours but it was worth the wait. His office is nondescript and, sort of, shabby, really. He seemed a bit disheveled in a handsome way and had a very approachable demeanor. Of course, none of that matter if he turns out to be a quack. Thankfully, he wasn't. We talked about my health history, surgeries, chemo and my current issue. He took me to a room and performed an ultrasound on both kidneys and my bladder. The right kidney has a 9.2 mm calcium stone and 3 other smaller objects (probably stones, as well). The left kidney has a 3 mm cyst in it. There is no swelling or indication that there was a uric acid stone present or had passed. If there were, that would indicate it was chemo related/created. Dr. Sender explained the breakdown of cells during chemo and how this can become the uric acid stone. Luckily, that's not happening. Dr. Sender said, "It's just bad luck!" With my history of stones, etc. now's as good a time as any to have this happen. Then, he made the comment "ya know that little cloud that follows you around above your head..." and I replied "Yes!" It's been like that the whole time! He made me chuckle a couple of times and put his hand on my shoulder when we were exiting and shared some words of encouragement. Tomorrow I will call Tower Imaging and make an appointment for a CT Scan for Dr. Sender. Then, we'll know, for sure, what is going on in the kidneys and bladder.

 

By the time I got home I was so weak and shaking. Not much to drink and nothing to eat all day. And, I was still nauseous. I made chicken noodle soup and plopped on the couch.

 

I can't explain the drop in blood pressure today, though. It was 121/80 in Porter Ranch and at Dr. Sender's, 115/77. Usually, it's 149/88 or something similar.

 

I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I don't feel horrible about it, either!



My urine around noon today as I collected a sample at Porter Ranch