STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!