Can it be? An uneventful week?

It is an awesome feeling to look back and realize It was almost a completely normal week!

 

I tend to look at the bright side, the positive, because of the intensity of the alternative. So, in my, immediate, memory I think of the day at Universal and the way I felt that day. I think of the hike up the Towsley-Newhall Canyon View trail that Natalia and I climbed a few days ago and the way I felt doing that (great, by the way!). I think of the amazing change in my confidence to be around other people when I started wearing my beautiful wig. I revisit the conversations with people that made me feel elevated and happy. As a result, I give the other feelings little attention until they push their way to a place in my head and body that can't be ignored. The depression and disappointment can become me, It is who I am, at times. It's bigger than a feeling or a thought because it can't be doctored or costumed. It is me. I feel an evolution taking hold. The years I have spent cultivating my pearl of a personality - gone. It feels more honest, though. This is me. This is where I am comfortable. This is the me that calls a pig a pig. I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone but, you will know when you have offended, hurt, or, otherwise, are inappropriate. As my boss, you will know when you have treated me unfairly or if your tactics are borderline illegal. As a person that sends mixed signals, I shall say 'fuck you' and put you in a place that means nothing to me. For the ones I have spent so much time building a relationship that you so, easily, discarded I see you for who you are. Suddenly, it all becomes clear. There are no rose-colored glasses nor a desirous being to cloud the reality of anyone or thing. If you are a pig, I see you as a pig. It doesn't matter what I thought of you yesterday once you have been revealed it all goes away never to return. No one can redeem their image once I see them for who they are (this includes situations as well as people). I see my situation at work for what it is, too.

 

Maybe this makes no sense to anyone but me. Maybe it isn't meant to. This is where my journey is taking me.

 

My face is a source of discomfort for me, now. The indentation in my forehead from the reaction to Neulasta is not going away. The aging of my face and the lines in my skin are getting deeper. There is nothing I can do. There may never be anything I can do. This acknowledgment has resonated deep within me. It is a part of the catalyst to change. I looked in the mirror and my refection lit the fire to my uncovered me.

 

I am having chemo tomorrow. Number 5. There is a bit of apprehension because of what happened after round 4. But, I am anxious to get it over with, as well. Just get it done.

 

I went for my 3 month check-up with Dr. Demanes. Everything went well. No problems and no issues. We are, both, very happy with the treatment and the recovery. As we are talking the word 'guinea pig' comes up and the doctor tells me a story of his trip to Peru. The delicacy is guinea pig! He told me there is a portrait of the "Last Supper" in which Jesus is eating for his final meal..yes! A guinea pig! I laughed to hard. He did too. What a great story! I will revisit in 6 months. 

 

As I was exiting the doctor appointment, at the front check-in desk, a woman was standing behind me stopped me as I finished up my business. She was frail and on a walker but was probably my age. She explained that she overheard me say the Dr. Schmit was my doctor and she wanted to ask me a few questions. She was the patient of Dr. Chang but, due to circumstances beyond her control, was passed on to Dr. Schmit. The woman said that Dr. Schmit had nothing published and was listed as a general surgeon, board certified, but not breast cancer surgeon board certified and she was nervous. I was so honored to have an opportunity to tell her about my experience with Dr. Schmit. I told her not to worry. I explained what I had done and how he treated me. I told her she was in good hands and he would take, equally, good care of her. I told her he was the doctor that would discuss the options and let the patient make decisions on her own care so long as her health was no jeopardized - and, then, he would explain why it put her health in jeopardy. I tried to tell her all the things about my experience that would calm her and let her go into the appointment with an open mind. We  hugged after several minutes (ten, fifteen?) and we exchanged names (I didn't write her name down and it was not a name I have ever heard before). Her husband would, periodically, nod behind her as I was talking as if in approval that the things I was saying were helpful. I am glad. I left the building hoping that it worked out for her and that she would appreciate Dr. Schmit as much as I do.

 

It has been a pleasure driving the explorer to work and back! Thank you, Joe! Joe left Tuesday and won't be back sooner than Friday but, may be away longer, still. That sucks.

 

Natalia is enjoying her ballroom dancing lessons at D'Wilfri studios in Newhall. I am enjoying her enjoying them. :) She is doing great! She played me a couple songs on the piano and sang along for the first time. She impressed me, immensely!!!! I am so proud of her. She is self-teaching the piano and she tried to show me a few things. We laughed because I am not doing so well. I told her it's probably a mental block as for years my mother insisted I would be good at the piano because of my long fingers. I grew up with a piano in the house and the cat strolling across the keys sounded better than I did. A small, 16 key, organ for Christmas did nothing to encourage my playing, either. I could, probably, learn but it would be at a snails pace.

 

School is going better. I had to miss an assignment but I am hustling to make up for it and work the other discussion, journals and assignments the best I can. I want to finish my master's reflective of the student that I am - not the student that I am temporarily!

 

Oh well, its nearly 0200 - thank you pre-chemo meds :(.  I'm almost ready to go back to bed. Natalia has been sleeping with me since Joe left and she spends her days in there when I am at work. She said its the only place in the house that makes her feel comforted. That made me feel good but not so good that that was the only place in the house. I thinks he misses Joe. She is 15 and entering the years that will challenge her emotional control. I'll do whatever I can to help her through it. I'm sure Joe will, too.

 

So, in conclusion, I'm exhausted and not sleeping, tired (metaphorically) of wearing a cultivated personality and ready for this part of chemo to be over!!!



Resolve

HANGING ON TO RESOLVE

 

I wondered why Dr. Palmer made a point of staying positive. In fact, I've heard it a few times from doctors. I am beginning to see what they are talking about. The effects of my second chemotherapy mimic the first. There is nothing that compares to the physical and mental degradation of chemo. While I, still, feel like I accept my treatment and I will go through it, I'm not so sure about everything else. Do I want to continue working...really? Do I want to be around people...even those in my home? I can't answer those questions, honestly, right now. I am wondering if my fight to stay at the workplace is a waste of time. The drive, alone, is trying. My eight hour work day turns into 10, 11 with the drive. My paycheck is shrinking and letters arrive, regularly, addressing the increasing cost of my benefits because of my absences without pay. One more notice and my entire check will be gone to dental and vision benefits.

 

My appearance is unbelievably horrific - and I'm only into treatment number 2! Physically, I feel terrible and mentally I am challenged. It isn't vanity. It's frightening. I don't look like me. I'm a horror movie version of me. -And, it's only going to get worse.

 

I trapped myself in storage on Saturday. I thought it was a good idea to go out there and sort through boxes and rearrange. I was feeling horrible from the Neulasta and had no appetite, so, why not? I moved slowly and pulled things out and looked inside tubs, bags, boxes, etc. I had the goal of finding my military treatment records and a copy of the NIS investigation from the Azores (my compensation claim has not budged since July 2013 and it is a 90 day turn-around claim - a special ops claim...the Regional Offices keep passing it, virtually, around and not doing anything with it, so, I am gathering all the evidence and going to my POA to figure out what action to take - pretty bad since I work at the VA and can't get anyone of authority to intervene...veteran's first, right? Not at LA). I, eventually, found myself in the back, left corner surrounded by boxes and no way out. I had my cell phone in my back pocket and called Joe to dig me out. I couldn't figure it out myself and was so weak I wouldn't be able to anyway. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. Every bone in my body hurt - not ached, hurt.  My muscles were non-existent. My body felt like it had been electrocuted. I was fried on the inside. And, continuing to cook. I contemplated crying. Sometimes, there is nothing else to do but cry. Just as I did when I couldn't figure out how to open a document on the computer the day before. A and B were not connecting in my brain. Nothing was making sense. So, I cried. Joe arrived at the storage unit and removed the things that were blocking me in. He said "you really are blocked in there, aren't you?". In a nice way. He took the few tubs that I hadn't gone through and put them in his car so I could go through them at home. We put everything back in the unit and headed for home. I took a shower and sat, numbly, on the couch. I don't know how long I sat there. Joe has been helpful and sweet, lately. He built a fire for me and hugged me when I cried from the pain. He has made me smile, too. I am grateful.

 

Food. I seldom talk about food. Right now, I don't want to eat anything. I don't have an appetite. The smell of anything cooking turns my stomach. I don't throw-up, though. It hasn't been that bad, yet. The taste of food is missing, as well. I think about how food used to taste and it's appealing but, then think about eating and the appeal goes away. So, I nibble. A bite here and there of something I think I can tolerate. Today, it wasn't much. A little tuna, blueberries, a large spoon of Joe's salad and Ensure. I drank a lot of water and 2 cups of black tea. It's the only tea that doesn't taste like lead. Ginger ale seems to have some taste, as well. Over the next couple of weeks some of my appetite will return but the taste buds will stay compromised. As Dr. Palmer said, whatever food gets me through is fine. Right now as I type this blog I can't imagine eating anything. It's 0253 and I can't sleep. I called off work, already. I am aching and uncomfortable. My period doesn't help matters. Prayer does. Think about God, talk about God, pray to God. That brings me comfort.

 

Head coverings. I've tried the long scarves and a few hats and was frustrated. The scarves were too bulky and tying was a chore. The hats I had didn't sit right on my head and were uncomfortable. But, I have found a few things that work - especially, while I still have hair all over my head. The scarves from TLC American Cancer Society are great! The hats from Stein Mart are working well for me, too.

My favorite! Betmar, New York. Cotton!

When my hair is out completely. Light!! Capelli, New York.

I LOVE this and will use it with a scarf for work. Fits great, feels good!
Laundry by Shelli Segal, Los Angeles. Wheat Braid.
 



Found this at the Grove, LA. Sunscreen built in! Kallina. 100% paper!! A little
heavier than the others but very soft and comfortable!



Found at Reflections, UCLA Medical Center. Light, close to my
natural hair color and the edges look like the hairline! It's almost
impossible to see that it is a wig when I wear it! "Elle", Jon Renau.