More info from another doctor

Last Thursday I arrived at oncology Porter Ranch for my infusion and was told Dr. Glaspy was not in but, he had a stand-in; Dr. Berkowitz. Very nice and easy to talk to. He engaged me in conversation for as long as I had something to say - I love him! Lol. We talked about my hair; what I have now is baby hair. New hair - more course and thick- is coming but, I'm still early on all of this, he yells me. I told him I was jogging and we talked about compression clothing and shoes :) I told him that it was so difficult at first but, that I was doing much better and my fatigue and joint pain is lessening. He confirmed that this type of exercise is the best defense for me. He, also, confirmed that this Cancer isn't coming back! Then, he asked who didy surgery....he knows Dr. Schmit! We talked about him for a while, too! That made me so happy that he knows him as well as he does and they refer patients to each other. He suggested acupuncture for the hot flashes and mood swings if they become unmanageable. I like that! 

I've been hiking and jogging every chance I get. I'm getting stronger every day! Today, I jogged without my knee compression bands and it was fine! My best run to date, in fact!

I think the nails that are going to fall off have done so and today I had acrylics put on at Ocean nail salon in Stevenson Ranch. Kim did a WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL job!!! 

My Saturn is, finally, on the road!!! Joe did all the things to finish getting it road ready after the mechanic was done with it. Then, took it over and replaced two of the tires. :) that was very nice of him! Things between us are very good right now and I am enjoying it while it is so.

I'm applying for a promotion job at the VA- I must be crazy.

I'm thinking about switching schools to finish my masters. The last instructor was so horrible I want to not go back to Ashford. 

I'm hoping I can return to work full time after Christmas.

Stronger

The jogging is going well. Every day I don't work I can get about 4.9 miles in. Some days are harder than others but it's usually because I started too late in the day or didn't get enough sleep. I bought long pants and compression shirt for the cool weather. I feel like I jiggle too much in these pants, though. 

I am adding hiking to my exercise routine.    Nat and I hiked the Towsley Canyon (one of the trails) while I was in chemo and it was slow going but it's a little easier now. 

Lenny went with me on Veterans Day. I haven't been treated so kindly in years. He helped me up the rough spots and when I stopped to catch my breath he told me he had to catch his, too-he didn't but he was being encouraging. He was concerned that I was walking too close to the edge as we came down. Nice conversation - NORMAL conversation! I have not had a normal, pleasant conversation in years. I don't expect Lenny to know how much these things he does mean to me but, they mean so much. Kindness and caring- the cornerstones to recovery. 

Natalia and I hiked the following day after work/school and we nearly made it to the top but the sun was setting so we came down. It turned dark before we were half-way down and I slid down on my ass in a couple places but, when we could, we hugged each other as we walked. When we couldn't hug, we held hands. She was scared and she knew I would protect her and get her to the car safely. I'll cherish that memory forever - both hiking memories.

Yesterday, before my jog, I tried to have a conversation with Joe and it went south quickly. Then, it turned ugly as he said he couldn't be affectionate because of my fat; he doesn't know how to be with someone fat. And it didn't get better after that. I don't know why I try. I hate living like this. We can't talk like normal people. I went jogging after our discussion and came home and cleared some vines from the side fence. Still upset, I walked to Towsley Canyon and walked a different trail. I cried most of the two miles up. So much ending in my life. Moving into another stage and it makes me sad. Joe has made me very sad. My hair isn't growing back fast enough. My nails falling off makes me sad. My life makes me sad and so, I cried. I cried uncontrollably at one point but I kept moving. At the turn-around I stopped crying. I came home and showered and went to bed. The depression is challenging right now and I don't know what to do. I start therapy at some point but I don't remember the date. 

I want this to all be a memory, already- all of it.

...and downward, roller coaster

THE BIG DIPPER; MOOD

I'm in the car with Joe and Natalia heading to Joe's mother's apartment in Riverside. It's her birthday. I'm surprised he asked us to go. I bought her a book, bookmarks, cards and a scrumptious pumpkin spice bundt cake from "Everything bundt Cake" in Valencia. I jumped at the mini road trip.

My mood has continued on its steady decline. I'm crying and isolating more. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. My nails (what's left of them) are atrocious. I didn't jog for two days because I injured my foot; I dropped the solid oak table on it this past Friday. I was feeling good after my run; my pace was faster and breathing easier. I cleaned the kitchen and decided to swap two heavy tables- that didn't go so well. The pain was so intense that I couldn't breathe! Then, I started crying at the thought of telling Joe that I broke his table (I heard a 'crack'). I wasn't worried he would be angry but that he would give me the usual head shake and some comment meant to make me feel small, stupid, and useless. He was reluctant to look at my foot when I asked him to help me determine if it was broken. He was not interested and, in fact, was annoyed. When I started crying and apologized about the table (it wasn't broken) he told me he's used to me breaking things-without looking up from his  computer. I can't try any more. I'm so exhausted from trying to communicate and drained from trying to always be upbeat and not talk about cancer and treatment. I give up.

I made an appointment for UCLA OB/GYN so we can start tracking my uterus for the duration of tamoxefin. I have to tell them how wreck less I've been, too. I haven't said anything to anybody about my wreck less behaviors except my journal. It's time to tell a doctor and go from there. That scares me a little bit. 

I'll work 2 days this week- hallelujah!

That's me in uniform. Happy veteran's day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I DRESSED AS "DAY OF THE DEAD"

 

Not to be morbid but, to embrace the spirit of the Day of the Dead. I, personally, love the celebration between the living and the dead. Sugar skulls are awesome, too. I tried my own make-up; not to bad for the first attempt but, the decorations on my face were too thick and  heavy. I would have done better using eyeliner and liquid eye shadow. But, I didn't think of that at the time!

I have celebrated Halloween like I've never celebrated in my life! I don't know if I'm subconsciously 'living life to the fullest' or developing a 'newfound appreciation for life' as my psychiatrist at the VA seems to believe patients with cancer do. I, just, know that I wanted to experience Halloween in all the ways I had wished I could for years.

My nails are falling off :(. Not the ones that turned colors but the other nails...confusing. But, they snag or catch on something and the are ripped off like a bad stick-on! My left thumb nail came off,  in its entirety, this morning; I was drying off after a shower - I'm not sure what I did but felt a little pain and looked; my nail was hanging on by a thread of skin. So, I used nail scissors and snipped it off. I painted that nail with a pink ribbon last night. That's 3, so far. Time to get creative with band aids. 

No cure for the sugar cravings. I'm told it's something I have to deal with that has nothing to do with treatment. I'll ask Dr. Glaspy at my next infusion.

 

My jogging is going well. I haven't lost an ounce and I can't say that my appearance has changed a smidge but I FEEL great! My joint pain in my hips is minimal and I feel stronger every day!

 

I had my Herceptin infusion last Thursday and got a fist pump from Dr. Glaspy when I told him I was jogging, again. In and out. I was a little disturbed that the woman in the next chair said her hair growth was just about 2 and one half month. She had a lot of hair. I overheard her husband talking about the ice cap. She didn't mention it to me when Dr. Glaspy told me to look at her hair and tell me I was right behind her. I tried not to be offended when he turned away from me, after a very brief question and answer session, to engage the others in a conversation. I should take it as a good sign, I suppose, that I don't need much attention. 

Until next time...