D-Day is upon me

D DAY IS UPON US

 

 

It is 1322 4/30/14 and I am undergoing chemotherapy at the UCLA hematology oncology clinic. I arrived at 0820, paid my co-pay, took vitals and met Colette. She is the nurse that explained the procedure, the drugs, the effects of chemo, what to do and what don't do after and during chemo, etc. Her husband was in the Navy and they lived near Groton, CT because of his chosen field. I explained that my father was involved in nuclear power and worked for Admiral Hyman Rickover. She called her husband and, of course, he knew of Rickover. The rest of the hard working slobs get no accolades that anyone will ever know of. Hey, that sounds like all of us!

 

Colette took a couple of vials of blood to check all the cell counts to make sure I was ready for chemo. All is well. She started my pre-meds; palonosetron, dexamethasone, famotidine, and diphenhydramine. Before all that I took Tylenol 650 mg. All of this is to ward off some of the side-effects of chemo. While this was dripping into my system Colette brought a folder with information and coupons. She went over printouts of the chemicals, wigs/and hats, my list of future appointments, menus/recipes, exercise (yes! the more I do the better I will deal - I am running!), and sun warnings! Wear Spf 30 or higher and stay out of prolonged sun.  She gave me a cook book made by the American Cancer Society and the food looks delicious!! I learned that one of the drugs could make me gain weight, another could increase my appetite and 3 that may affect my taste, smell and desire for food. They may cause constipation but could cause diarrhea. Because of my hypothyroidism I will have to be very keen to these things. I can take the colase and senna, simultaneously, to keep the bowels moving. Because of cystitis and kidney stones I have to be vigilant with fluid intake. The chemotherapy consists of; trastuzumab (Herceptin), docetaxel, and carboplatin. Taxotere is a plant alkaloid!

 

The benedryl drip made me sleepy and loopy so I slept a few hours after I put Back to the Future in the computer. I couldn't do homework because there is so much reading and note-taking I will need to be at home on the desk without an IV in the crook of my right elbow. One of the books I need to read is at home, too. I thought it was in the back seat of my car, it wasn't. So I will have to remember where I put it. I thought I was soooo prepared for today to get ahead of classwork. I guess that will have to be tomorrow and Friday (after Friday's infusion). Anyway, the chemo is administered one bag at a time and that's why it takes 6 hours. The first time the drugs are administered they take it slow to make sure there isn't an adverse reaction. After that, they can speed it up a notch. I don't feel anything. The chemicals are not affecting me in any way. I think I am on my second to last bag and doing well.

 

Adam sent me a package for mother's day and I cried and cried. In the beautiful card was a polaroid of the two of us when he was a baby - it was around Easter and I remember taking this picture. It's a 'selfie' before they were cool. It is one of my favorite pictures of us and he said it was a favorite of his too. In the bag is a pink coffee mug with a great inscription of all the cancer can't do - can't take away faith, etc. When I have the cup in my hand I will put the message here. He sent a wonderful pocket stone. I love pocket stones and small things that one can carry easily and hold on to in trying moments. It works so long as there is significant connection to the meaning of the stone. The one Adam sent is directly related to breast cancer. The best gift ever; the Back to the Future trilogy 25 anniversary edition! This franchise has a special bond that ties me, Steve and Adam! I may venture into all that at another time. We even have a Delorean tree ornament thanks to Adam!

 

I put the picture that Adam sent in the corner of my cubicle along with the WWII rifle medal of my Dad's. I am so glad I brought my Dad's wool sweater today - it's darn cold in here. Next time I will bring a blanket and pillow from home.

 

I notice everyone coming in has family or friends with them. It doesn't bother me to come here by myself. Maybe, in  my early days I would have felt lonely or robbed but, right now, I don't. I brought my devotional, Bible, journal and sketch pad. Plus, the computer so I could blog and do homework. I have plenty to keep me company.

 

Emotionally, I'm fine. Can't wait to get home and hear from Darlene...I guess I am missing something at work! Funny texts from Scott all day, too. So sorry for Darlene! She had a surgical procedure scheduled (since January) with the VA and the day was coming (tomorrow) and she was called today to say the surgery was cancelled, no reschedule and no explanation! All I can say is Thank God I did not have to go through the VA for cancer treatment. I will have to go through my previous blogs and see if I mentioned the mammogram debacle with the VA and they are, just now, getting me scheduled for a diagnostic mammogram after the initial alarms were sounded about the suspicious object in my breast. UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!! The entire VA system needs to be reworked with the end product in focus.

 

Well, my day is nearing an end and it will be time to go home. Thank you, God, for a blessed day. 



 

What is that going into my veins?



Beautiful view

Chemo; 4 days and a wake-up

Chemotherapy

4 days and a W.U.

 

 

I was scheduled to start chemo this past Wednesday but my post-op visit with Dr. Demanes changed that.

 

I saw Dr. Demanes last Tuesday and, although, I am healing nicely and show no complications the doctor felt that I needed another week for the wound to heal. It is an open wound that was the entry and exit point to the SAVI. It remains open to heal so the seeping can occur naturally. To my uneducated eye it looks fine; scabbing over, in fact. I didn't notice any redness or swelling, either. But, Dr. Demanes saw slight swelling and some redness. He called my medical oncologist and discussed his concerns with her and recommended another week before chemo. She (my substitute oncologist while Dr. Glaspy is out) agreed. I was a bit disappointed, at first. I don't know if Dr. Demanes could see that in my expression - I did my best to appear unmoved but he said to me "that's what you want from me, right" (or something like that) and I responded, "of course!". As he dressed my wound and told me what my follow-up plan would be I felt myself settle into this minor detour. I watched him move around and tape the gauze in place and I said to myself, trust him, he knows better than you what the consequences could be if chemo is started too soon - internal medicine, pioneer, knows what is best for you. After he hugged me good-bye I accepted God's plan in His time. Without asking what could this delay mean? Why? I said, it is what it is supposed to be and the answers will be revealed eventually. I was able to, completely, let it go and I did not become overwhelmed with worry about the effects of the delay on the progression of cancer. I let it go.

 

I returned to work on Monday. I arrived just as I did everyday before cancer. I wiped my desk and computer and tried to log in using my PIV card. My access code wasn't working and I tried so many time I was locked out. People trickled in and all were warm and welcoming. Seeing those closest to me in the workplace is a beautiful feeling. I have missed a handful of people achingly and others terribly and, still, others mildly. It is good medicine to be around people that care about me and, also, consider me the same employee I was before. Give me the work and trust me with more. Add, add, add and stretch me so thin I may snap. I am still the same person and don't need to be treated as if I can't handle the work I was doing before. My only issue is my stamina. I am extremely exhausted. By 0930 I am numb with exhaustion. I drink water and decaf green tea - Monday, I went for a walk through the park. Tuesday I walked to the Pierce Brothers Westwood cemetery. Wednesday I was too drained of energy to walk anywhere. My lunches have been oranges and Greek yogurt. I took home cooked chicken strips one day. My appetite is returning slowly...just in time for chemo. I have lost approximately 16 - 18 pounds since I first stepped foot in the UCLA Revlon Breast Cancer Center. I looked at food like the enemy. The items that are written up as being cancer fighters or super foods presented their own problems; I couldn't figure out how much I needed to eat to acquire all the benefits. I looked different places on the web and in books and couldn't get a solid answer. This caused a degree of anxiety so I rationalized that the less I put in my body the better. At some point I lost my appetite, altogether.

 

I found a daily devotional that was Adam's and I carry it with me every day. I don't always have time to read it but it is a comfort having it with me. I seem to have settled on this one over the others because of the connection to Adam. Ethel gave me one and Darlene gave me one but it is Adam's that means the most. They are all sending messages I need to hear and I keep them all near by but it is Adam's that is forever at my side. I polish my left ring finger with the cross and stone in remembrance of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. I chose the left ring finger because the blood line is closest and strongest to the heart. I can pass a finger over the cross and feel the bump of the stone at its center or I can close my hand and hold it in my palm throughout the day. I never want the image of Jesus far from me.

 

Joe and I went to Remedy pharmacy and spoke to Connie Kim about vitamins for me during chemo. She gave me a vitamin made from whole foods on a farm nearby. She also gave me D 5000 IU. Ethel told me to beware the vitamin D and I looked it up online and, sure enough, it is not a good idea to take vitamin D while on chemo. Chemo for breast cancer is prepared with the vitamin D deficiency in mind. It must be common that woman are D deficient when they have breast cancer. I checked for the other vitamins, as well, but all I found was that any supplement may interfere with the chemo. I put a call in to Dr. Glaspy to ask about taking the multi-vitamin and was told by the front desk person that he or his assistant would get back to me - that was Thursday afternoon and it is Friday evening. No phone call. I hope this is not a sign of things to come. If your oncologist isn't going to call you back then who?!

 

Marsue sent a book "Rockin' the Pink" and a coin purse. I need something to put my PIV and building Access card in and this will do nicely! It is wonderful to have my relationship on track with Marsue. Our communication has slowed and was minimal but now it is back to where it was.

 

I don't have an overly positive frame of mind today but I am not overwhelmed and defeated, either. I can't, honestly, say I am in a good place, emotionally, but I am not in a place of desperation. I look for answered prayers - and God knows I have been praying relentlessly for an answer in particular. I have had no indication that this one will be in my  favor. I have to trust and believe and let it go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adam's daily devotional.Natalia chose the 'Mint Green' nail polish and

 

                                                                    applied the first coat for me :)

 

Radiation complete!

RADIATION COMPLETE

 

Yesterday was my last day of radiation; treatments 7 & 8. I dressed in a celebratory fashion - I wore my prettiest lace coverlet (below the hips in length and 3/4 length sleeves) with a matching tank top and shimmery blue pants. I felt like I had to dress in honor of my 'graduation' from brachytherapy. It certainly made me feel good to know that I didn't look like I was sick or in treatment of any kind. The morning treatment ran a little late but I fell asleep in the lobby and didn't notice. After my first treatment I went to Aveda for the Heal The Bay event and had my hair trimmed and washed and styled. It was beautiful at the finish! I, then, went up stairs and had a manicure (my polish removed and their polish put on). I loved the young woman that did my polish but, yikes, a 2nd grader would have done a better job. I hate being critical but the sloppy work irked me - I guess because it clashed with everything else. I stopped at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for a Matcha Latte and was stopped at the entrance by a young woman asking "are you a nice person?" and when I hesitated she launched into the sales pitch for Amnesty International. It is odd that the pitch hasn't changed in 10 years. I was approached in a similar fashion that many years ago and it was the same exact pitch. I was asked to fill out a piece of paper with my name, address and credit card information. Really? It's 2014. I listened to her patiently and when she was done I excused myself and apologized that I would not be signing up for a membership. I returned for my last treatment at UCLA. I told Alfred I would miss the conversations we had. I do miss them already. The entire team made the sting of the process completely acceptable. The greetings, the efficiency, the professionalism and the great conversations made the idea of radiation due to cancer completely acceptable! After the final treatment (Alfred piped Bach through the speakers because it had a "celebratory" feel to it - yes, it did!) I was wheeled to an exam room and LeLaine removed the SAVI. OUCH!!! I have to say that has been the most painful of anything I've gone through in regards to cancer. The device was collapsed like the winding of a clock and I was told to take a deep breath in as LeLaine pulled the device out...the pain was such a shock to me that I stopped breathing in and blew air out! The device was half-way out...I had to do it again. Holy smokes! The sting was bad. Brown fluid poured out of the hole. I looked at the device as it laid on my chest - it was bigger than I imagined and it was filled with the brown gunk from inside my breast. LeLaine tried to express as much brown fluid as possible before handing it over to Alison to clean and bandage. When it was done she packed a nice box full of gauze pads, saline, Q-tips, tape and antibiotic ointment. She walked me out to the appointment desk and Dr. Demanes was walking in. He stopped to congratulate me on completing my radiation and hugged me. I hugged him back and thanked him. I was a little choked up and couldn't say any more. It's an odd feeling - I'm done with this treatment and that makes me grateful but I have to say good-bye to something that became a routine, of sorts, and I may never see some of these wonderful people again.

 

I met my church family at the movies and we watched "Heaven is For Real". Very sweet movie! I was feeling the sting of the SAVI removal and I was extremely tired but I am glad to have been with these great people watching a very lovely movie!

 

I slept well last night and I wasn't disturbed or asked to get up and take Natalia to school this morning. The pain was gone by morning. I have had very little drainage, too. I was prepared for 2 to 3 days of changing gauze pads frequently but, the drainage has been very little.

 

I emailed Playtex about donating bras to the brachytherapy department at UCLA and was sent instructions; only a non-profit can request a donation. I contacted the National Breast Cancer Foundation and asked that they request the donation on my behalf. I am waiting on a reply. If they are non-compliant I'll just go buy a bunch and take them in.

 

I am hoping Aveda will follow through and put a booth at UCLA for the brachytherapy patients or send over discounts for them. I will follow-up next week. The bra and daily shampoos were extremely helpful during the radiation process and it is my wish that all patients have these few things available to them during this time.

 

My mood has been a little depleted today but not totally dark. God has heard my prayers and, now, I have to be patient for His reply. I want His reply to agree with my prayer, but, I have to trust and let it go.

Half-way...

HALF-WAY MARK

 

Today was treatments 3 & 4 - 4 more to go. Traffic was horrible both ways but that is the only complaint I have! My early morning treatment went smoothly and Dr. Demanes came in while I was being disconnected and looked at the site and asked how the weekend went. He always pleasant and unassuming but this man has dedicated his entire adult life to fighting cancer. He is a pioneer in his sub-specialty and, yet, he moves and handles business light of feet, if you know what I mean. Alfred did most of the hooking, unhooking and CT scan. Tom was in and out. Alison handled my cleaning and wrapping. The Fellow dropped by and asked how everything went over the weekend and how I was feeling. I'm already missing them.

 

I walked to Starbucks by the Fox theater and drank a hot chocolate while working on an assignment for school. I finished most of the note taking and had an outline of my journal in short order. I texted with Scott - funny, Scott!! I feel like I haven't missed a day of work because he keeps me in the loop as if I was sitting right next to him. I can't thank him enough for that! - And I can't wait to take my seat back and get to work, crazies and all.

 

When it was time I went to Aveda Institute to have my hair washed. Wow! I am so impressed. I have never been there and didn't expect the above par treatment. Daisy was my stylist and she was very sweet and presented a professional image. I can't say that about all the students, though. The red, green, purple, blue hair coupled with face piercings and neck tattoos kind of spoiled the professional appearance on some. It may serve them well depending on what kind of hair they style once they complete school. The booths are cramped and it isn't the prettiest of surroundings but it was clean. Daisy brought me herbal calming tea and we talked about my hair. Included in the 20 dollar package was a scalp, shoulder, neck, hand massage, facial and shampoo/blow dry. My hair looked beautiful and my face was refreshed. I could use a full body massage but for something I wasn't even expecting it was just right. Another moment to be thankful, thankful, thankful.

 

On the way back to the building I stopped at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. I haven't been in one of these coffee/tea places in years - I am so glad I stopped. They offer a variety of green teas and, my favorite, Matcha Latte!!! A little more expensive but absolutely delicious.

 

I arrived back way ahead of schedule so I finished preparing my assignment and began reading ahead/taking notes. At some point a family arrived and took a couple chairs across from me. An elderly gentleman (probably in his 90s) was in a wheel chair and his wife sat across from him. Accompanying was a young man. The elderly couple talked with a thick accent and the conversation was of previous cancer and back and forth banter - like a methodical discussion of health with no sign of emotion. The voices quieted and after a time the young man asked the gentleman "are you scared?" and quietly the man responded "yes I am scared". My heart broke. I closed my eyes and prayed - layered them in angel cloth. I had to fight, hard, to not cry. I noticed the woman and young man began moving closer to him and words fell from their mouths rapidly as if all the talk and advice to "not be scared" was going to make it go away.

 

I read about the second day of Holy Week and felt the anger of Jesus as he cleared the temple. It is refreshing to read the stories that include all of His emotion - not just the sweet, compassionate, kind but anger. Curse the fig tree and clear the temple. Love stirred his emotion - loyalty and devotion brought about a fierce emotion that moved him to action.

 

My second treatment (Enya piped in)went well and more conversation with Alfred. Interesting book he read recently  - I will have to write the name of it down - Plutonium secrets. The mood became very somber when we started talking about the homeless vet scam and the community of military that includes rapists, murderers, and thieves. Just because a man/woman wears a uniform doesn't mean they are honorable and heroes. The military has its share of worthless crap. Alfred said, " and on that (depressing) note...". Alison and I started laughing.

 

I picked up a bra last night that I wasn't sure was going to work but it is fantastic!! It is made by Playtex and I found it in the sports bra section of Wal-Mart. It is soft with wide straps, razor back and front zipper with extra padding around the zipper. It is perfect!!! It holds everything in place, provides padding and is very comfortable. This is perfect for holding the wires and gauze pads in place. When I walk I feel less discomfort and can walk at a normal pace without hurting. I am taking the tags to Alison so she can recommend it to others (same with Aveda - I will get business cards when I go tomorrow and take them to Alison to recommend for other patients).

 

My mood only dropped once, briefly, while I was preparing a late dinner of chicken breast and mushrooms. The sun returned when Natalia walked in the room! Now we are watching reruns of Kim Possible - feels like old times!

The amazing bra!

Aveda Institute (picture taken from website)

The SAVI

SAVI & RADIATION

 

 

I made it to surgery on Wednesday, April 9th! Another great surgical team at UCLA to see me through.

 

Natalia and Joe went with me and stayed the entire time. The planes were all deployed on Tuesday, so, Joe was able to stay. Natalia stayed in the pre-op room with me until it was time to go into surgery. The anesthesiologist, Dr. Svilik, explained why having any kind of irritation in my lungs might be affected by anesthesia and the other risks, relatively speaking. She was very pleasant and social. The ER nurse was great as well. Everyone involved introduced themselves and explained their part in the procedure. Efficient and comforting.

 

While I was waiting Dr. Schmit dropped by! He said he saw my name on the board and wanted to see what was going on. He checked the incision site and made a joke about my pending procedure and then he was gone. I can't explain why I was so uplifted that he stopped by. Is it because I felt I was not 'out of sight out of mind' - did I feel that I was, genuinely cared for by a professional who isn't required to? I've been to so many doctors that don't remember me from one day to the next. I have been a regular patient to doctor's that who, on every visit, need a run-down of my history! At this time, in my particular situation, to have a doctor that would see my name on the board and pop in to see how I'm doing - it's overwhelmingly appreciated!! I could cry just thinking about it.

 

I didn't know which device I would have implanted but was so pleased to wake and find I had been given the SAVI! This is what we were hoping for (the doctors and me!). Shortly after waking I was taken to the brachytherapy room and met Alfred Jamison - he has been on Dr. Demanes' brachytherapy team for several years - and nurse, James Harkcom (I have to make sure of the spelling). Alfred and James explained everything about the CT process. Dr. Demanes came in to see how everything was going and viewed the CT. Everything was in place and ready to go!! All the while Alfred and James made me feel cared for and cared about. A bedside manner that can't go underappreciated. Every kind word, every smile, and every hand-up heals the spirit a little more.

 

Yesterday, Friday, April 11th, I had my first treatments. I arrived (I drove myself - yes, in my 1994 standard Saturn - I don't even want to go there) around 0630 for my 0715 appointment. Alfred and Tom greeted me and prepped me for the CT scan. Lots of enjoyable conversation and banter helped to keep me distracted from my nervousness. The scan showed the balloon was ready to go and I was moved to another gurney and taken to the radiation room around the corner. The room is relatively small; maybe 8 x 10 feet? It's white and plenty of bright lights; round (like spot lights) embedded in the ceiling and square blocks with tube lighting covered by what looked like the insert of the old ice-cube trays (metal with a latch to pop out the ice cubes). The ceiling tile was like that of a drop ceiling. The double doors are what scared me the most. Alfred told me that they would stay open until it was time to start radiation and they would all be in a remote room that could hear and see me - I could communicate with them, as well. Alfred started the music that piped into the room; Jack Johnson. When everyone cleared out and the thick doors slowly closed I felt my pulse race. I had to close my eyes and not watch them shut completely. I focused on the music (very relaxing, by the way) and ignored the clicks and whirs coming from the robot. I felt my breast become warm towards the end of treatment but otherwise there was nothing. No pain, no discomfort. It was all over in about 10 - 15 minutes. Alfred told me about the Botanical gardens close by and recommended them as a calming and pleasant way to kill time before my next treatment in a few hours.

 

I set my GPS and used MAPS to set my walking path. I felt a little weird in my head...not sure how to explain it - not dizzy, or nauseous...something different. It wasn't anything that I was alarmed about and I didn't feel the need to stop walking so I kept going. The gardens were easy to find. I wound around dirt paths and stopped to read some of the markers. I was a little distracted by the sounds of construction vehicles, etc. going on around the gardens, though, until I got to a lower level and sat in a chair along a moving stream. The chairs were set facing each other with a small table in between. I could imagine a chess game being played there. I sat in one of the chairs for quite a while. One hour? Two? Not sure, but it was a while. When the temperatures started rising, I got up and walked on. Further along the stream I found large turtles. I stopped and watched them for a few minutes and, then, continued on. I was profoundly relaxed and void of anxiousness of any kind. A first - not just since being diagnosed with cancer, but, for years. This space within that was previously filled with worry was, now, allowing me to rest. I found my way out and back to UCLA. I went to the car, in the garage, and fell asleep. I slept for a few hours. When I woke up I went back into the building and waiting for second treatment. Dr. Demanes passed through stopping to shake my hand (with his two hands) and ask how I was doing with a pleasant smile and warm gesture. When I responded that I was doing well, I, actually, meant it. Tom came and got me when it was time. Alfred and Tom set me up and away we went (can't forget the physicists! Their involvement in planning and the process is crucial). Tom asked where I worked and my experience in the Navy...he asked how I was motivated to enter the service and, especially, work as a cryptologist. When I started talking about my Dad's involvement with nuclear power, Tom mentioned Hyman Rickover! I told him, yes, my Dad was connected to Rickover and I told him my Dad was involved in the first 'Mission to Mars' program and Tom said "Nerva" and I said "Yes"! I could not believe how much Tom knew about all of this! Then we talked about code breaking and the rich history of such. He asked how I was able to break the codes, in general, and just then the fellow came in and asked how everything was going. He, too, was very pleasant and professional. Tom left and returned with the physicist and introduced him to me and said to me "are you a cryptologist or cryptographer" and I said "cryptologist"...he turned to the physicist and said "cryptologist". Funny! I felt like part of the team! After the treatment, and after Alison wrapped my cables, Tom showed me the CT scans and printed copies for me! He explained the physicists involvement in planning and showed me the slices of images that were used in the planning. Amazing and I am extremely grateful to Tom for taking the time! LaLaine came in, too! Very pleasant and happy. After saying my goodbyes I took my tired self home. Traffic wasn't as grueling as I expected.

 

I was tired but happy to be home with Natalia and I would have taken her to the moon if she wanted to go. Instead, she chose Target and World Market. :) We picked up the Walking Dead game for PS3 and she played while I lit a fire and lay down on my now familiar bed - the couch. When she realized I was falling asleep she quit playing. She has been so helpful and caring. She will lift things for me and ask me if she can do anything.

 

I may zero-in on things that I feel I am missing but I am so thankful for the things I have been given. This couch is the most comfortable couch in the most wonderful room with a beautiful fireplace and big flat-screen TV. I have a yard and sunshine everyday. I have the best healthcare I could every have hoped for with the most fabulous doctors, nurses and staff that I never could have imagined possible. I have a church and church family that has filled my heart with love and hope. I have a job that fulfills me and makes me feel needed. I have family that loves me! God is everywhere and I am thankful.

 

 The SAVI as seen on the CT Scan

The 'endtrails' (my word) that are connected to cables that are connected to the radiation robot.

 

 

 The Botanical Gardens

 

The Brachythereapy Team!

Alfred is 2nd from the left, LeLaine is 5th from the left beside Dr. Demanes to the right of her and Tom is the last on the right.

 

 



IT COSTS HOW MUCH??

THE STRESS OF COST

 

I knew it was coming; at some point we were going to get smacked with a number that would stop us dead in our tracks. Of course, I get these calls because I am the patient - even though, I'm not the primary card holder for the insurance. I would rather not know how much anything cost  -  let Joe work it out with the insurance and co-pays, etc. The call came from the oncologist office in Porter Ranch. The receptionist told me the insurance has cleared everything except one thing, Neulasta. This is the injection that will enable me to go to work; it boosts white blood cell count to give my immune system a fighting chance to ward off germs from other people. $7,000 for each injection every three weeks. That is sobering. The receptionist said that she didn't have the word from the insurance company as to how much they are paying IF they are paying at all. She gave me a website, AMGEN First Step, to go look at just in case the insurance doesn't cover it or if we have a huge co-pay we can't manager. If we qualify AMGEN will cover the cost or co-pay. Joe kept bringing up the VA and getting the treatment from them and I was very resistant and told him I didn't want to get any care from the VA for my cancer! But, if there is going to be an issue getting this injection covered or paid for, I will call my provider at the VA and see if she will set me up to get it there. She has been very supportive and said to keep her updated in the event the insurance fell through at any point. I think it's best to meet with the VA oncologist and get everything ready to go if I need it. I know the rest of the bills are going to be tough, as well. We have only received two; one for all of the scans and imaging and one for Dr. Schmit. I covered the 400 dollar co-pay and left the 100 dollar one for Joe. I sure hope he paid it. (Note: I just asked him if he paid it and he said "No". This has happened over and over. That's why I went back to treatment at the VA! There were so many left over bills from treatment at UCLA that he said he would take care of and never did! I got calls from collection agencies and paid them with what I could our of my VA disability compensation check. Please don't do this again, JOE!).

 

The receptionist at pre-registration called and we went over a few administrative things for the procedure on Wednesday. She told me I had about 600 dollars of co-pay left and did I want to pay something on that now? After the co-pay is completely paid off then the insurance will cover 100 percent. I declined to pay anything. I have never been asked for co-pay money up front before.

 

If I work to solely pay co-pays - if every nickel I earn has to go to co-pays, its worth it and that is exactly what I will do.

 

I am almost finished with the saliva test for Dr. McCann - I can't wait to have some Green Tea!!!! Two days without and I am done with warm water and honey, warm water with lemon and just plain warm water! I hope the terrible head cold I have will not affect the outcome. I have done everything the doctor wanted me to do - now, it's his turn to take it and make me strong enough to endure chemo and radiation without being depleted or damaged. I am putting faith in Joe and Dr. McCann that God has moved us to him and will be working through him. I believe in this part of homeopathic medicine and really do not want to be disappointed - for me and for Joe's sake.

 

My mood has been more somber. Creeping into deep somber more every day. Any time my mind starts to wander about the future; going into the unknown and imagining all sorts of future events, I am snapped back to the here and now. Present and immediate future. This just saddens me. I have been a dreamer. Look far into the future and imagine different outcomes. I can't do that right now - maybe never again. All the calls involving money is distressing. I have to let it all go and trust in God that it will be okay.

 

 

 



Accepting Change

CHANGE, IT IS A COMIN'

 

Whether it is wanted or not, change is coming. I feel it ebb and flow as one thought pushes to replace another. As one emotion relinquishes to another. As one reality forces itself upon an idealized, hopeful, reality. It is inevitable. Accepting these new puzzle pieces that form me is not easy and welcome in all cases. Others are quick to take over and I am content - grateful, even. Above all, reality. I talk more specifically in my blogger companion - my journal. But, accepting my new reality will mean sifting through people I thought were good for me who, in fact, are not. Recognizing the toxicity of some people is a stomach dropping sadness. Sadness because I recognize it and sadness because It's taken this long. I will have to avoid being around some people who are not genuine and I have to remove myself, mentally, from others. I have to approach work altogether differently - more focused but more detached, as well. Those people who have revealed themselves to be genuine and, truly, a friend, have my unquestionable loyalty. This may sound like I am being vague or mysterious and I understand that. The details are in my journal and it's important for my blog to have the emotions and thought process without them. My approach to most facets of my life will change.

 

Yesterday I had my CT scan and it was very simple; lay on a flat bed, hands at my side, and slide into a donut shaped machine that scanned the site where the implant will be placed. The technician, Tom, has been with Dr. Demanes since the late '80s. Wow, that's a well-oiled team! After the scan I went into the exam room and met with the PA Lalanie (I will get the spelling right one of these posts!). She went over the pre-implant procedures - nothing out of the ordinary; no food or drink after midnight, etc. The day of the procedure will be the last day I can take a total shower until the radiation treatments are over. I will start an antibiotic the day of the implant and will continue throughout the time I have it in and a little bit beyond. I can drive but have to be careful of the seat belt crossing over the breast with the device. No lifting with that hand. The staff will change and clean the area each day I have radiation. I will have a CT scan after the device is in place and every day I receive radiation.  The duration of each treatment will be 10 to 15 minutes, 4 - 6 hours a part. I won't have my plan until the day after surgery. I will be able to go about Westwood in between treatments and I will take advantage of that; movies, tea at the noodle place Steve and I went to, and lunch with Scott.  There are two concerns for me; the first being that I will be go under general anesthesia in the event the balloon device doesn't fit snugly into the cavity. In that case the doctor will abort the procedure and install the interstitchel device. The second concern is the effect radiation might have on my thyroid and/or pituitary system. It could turn everything in a sluggish mess. This is not great news for someone with Hashimotos. I will pray that my pituitary system and thyroid are affected. I will anoint myself and pray. My blood pressure has been great! The best I've had in years: 120's over high 60s/low 70s. Currently, I have the horrible sore throat that Nat had a week ago. It is so painful I can't sleep through the night. I'll take Nyquil tonight. I have to be ready to go on Wednesday - no more delays.

 

Joe will drop me off at the hospital on Wednesday the 9th for my procedure. He will pick me up when it's over. I'm not bothered by this. He has work that needs to get done and I can use the time alone wisely. - And I won't, really, be alone will I?

 

Natalia bought a CD by Ed Sheeran so we had something "decent" to listen to in the car. There is a song that caught my attention and I said to Natalia on the way to school, "That sounds like me right now" and she said, "I know, that's you every day". The name of the song is Give Me Love. There is part where he nearly screams "Give me love" over and over. I have felt that desperation.

 

Although Joe woke me up when he came home from work and asked how I was and if he could do anything for me (first time since finding out I had cancer) I grapple with not being loved by Joe and missing love's little gestures that would mean the most right now...I feel the changes coming.