Accepting Change

CHANGE, IT IS A COMIN'

 

Whether it is wanted or not, change is coming. I feel it ebb and flow as one thought pushes to replace another. As one emotion relinquishes to another. As one reality forces itself upon an idealized, hopeful, reality. It is inevitable. Accepting these new puzzle pieces that form me is not easy and welcome in all cases. Others are quick to take over and I am content - grateful, even. Above all, reality. I talk more specifically in my blogger companion - my journal. But, accepting my new reality will mean sifting through people I thought were good for me who, in fact, are not. Recognizing the toxicity of some people is a stomach dropping sadness. Sadness because I recognize it and sadness because It's taken this long. I will have to avoid being around some people who are not genuine and I have to remove myself, mentally, from others. I have to approach work altogether differently - more focused but more detached, as well. Those people who have revealed themselves to be genuine and, truly, a friend, have my unquestionable loyalty. This may sound like I am being vague or mysterious and I understand that. The details are in my journal and it's important for my blog to have the emotions and thought process without them. My approach to most facets of my life will change.

 

Yesterday I had my CT scan and it was very simple; lay on a flat bed, hands at my side, and slide into a donut shaped machine that scanned the site where the implant will be placed. The technician, Tom, has been with Dr. Demanes since the late '80s. Wow, that's a well-oiled team! After the scan I went into the exam room and met with the PA Lalanie (I will get the spelling right one of these posts!). She went over the pre-implant procedures - nothing out of the ordinary; no food or drink after midnight, etc. The day of the procedure will be the last day I can take a total shower until the radiation treatments are over. I will start an antibiotic the day of the implant and will continue throughout the time I have it in and a little bit beyond. I can drive but have to be careful of the seat belt crossing over the breast with the device. No lifting with that hand. The staff will change and clean the area each day I have radiation. I will have a CT scan after the device is in place and every day I receive radiation.  The duration of each treatment will be 10 to 15 minutes, 4 - 6 hours a part. I won't have my plan until the day after surgery. I will be able to go about Westwood in between treatments and I will take advantage of that; movies, tea at the noodle place Steve and I went to, and lunch with Scott.  There are two concerns for me; the first being that I will be go under general anesthesia in the event the balloon device doesn't fit snugly into the cavity. In that case the doctor will abort the procedure and install the interstitchel device. The second concern is the effect radiation might have on my thyroid and/or pituitary system. It could turn everything in a sluggish mess. This is not great news for someone with Hashimotos. I will pray that my pituitary system and thyroid are affected. I will anoint myself and pray. My blood pressure has been great! The best I've had in years: 120's over high 60s/low 70s. Currently, I have the horrible sore throat that Nat had a week ago. It is so painful I can't sleep through the night. I'll take Nyquil tonight. I have to be ready to go on Wednesday - no more delays.

 

Joe will drop me off at the hospital on Wednesday the 9th for my procedure. He will pick me up when it's over. I'm not bothered by this. He has work that needs to get done and I can use the time alone wisely. - And I won't, really, be alone will I?

 

Natalia bought a CD by Ed Sheeran so we had something "decent" to listen to in the car. There is a song that caught my attention and I said to Natalia on the way to school, "That sounds like me right now" and she said, "I know, that's you every day". The name of the song is Give Me Love. There is part where he nearly screams "Give me love" over and over. I have felt that desperation.

 

Although Joe woke me up when he came home from work and asked how I was and if he could do anything for me (first time since finding out I had cancer) I grapple with not being loved by Joe and missing love's little gestures that would mean the most right now...I feel the changes coming.