Chemotherapy
4 days and a W.U.
I was scheduled to start chemo this past Wednesday but my post-op visit with Dr. Demanes changed that.
I saw Dr. Demanes last Tuesday and, although, I am healing nicely and show no complications the doctor felt that I needed another week for the wound to heal. It is an open wound that was the entry and exit point to the SAVI. It remains open to heal so the seeping can occur naturally. To my uneducated eye it looks fine; scabbing over, in fact. I didn't notice any redness or swelling, either. But, Dr. Demanes saw slight swelling and some redness. He called my medical oncologist and discussed his concerns with her and recommended another week before chemo. She (my substitute oncologist while Dr. Glaspy is out) agreed. I was a bit disappointed, at first. I don't know if Dr. Demanes could see that in my expression - I did my best to appear unmoved but he said to me "that's what you want from me, right" (or something like that) and I responded, "of course!". As he dressed my wound and told me what my follow-up plan would be I felt myself settle into this minor detour. I watched him move around and tape the gauze in place and I said to myself, trust him, he knows better than you what the consequences could be if chemo is started too soon - internal medicine, pioneer, knows what is best for you. After he hugged me good-bye I accepted God's plan in His time. Without asking what could this delay mean? Why? I said, it is what it is supposed to be and the answers will be revealed eventually. I was able to, completely, let it go and I did not become overwhelmed with worry about the effects of the delay on the progression of cancer. I let it go.
I returned to work on Monday. I arrived just as I did everyday before cancer. I wiped my desk and computer and tried to log in using my PIV card. My access code wasn't working and I tried so many time I was locked out. People trickled in and all were warm and welcoming. Seeing those closest to me in the workplace is a beautiful feeling. I have missed a handful of people achingly and others terribly and, still, others mildly. It is good medicine to be around people that care about me and, also, consider me the same employee I was before. Give me the work and trust me with more. Add, add, add and stretch me so thin I may snap. I am still the same person and don't need to be treated as if I can't handle the work I was doing before. My only issue is my stamina. I am extremely exhausted. By 0930 I am numb with exhaustion. I drink water and decaf green tea - Monday, I went for a walk through the park. Tuesday I walked to the Pierce Brothers Westwood cemetery. Wednesday I was too drained of energy to walk anywhere. My lunches have been oranges and Greek yogurt. I took home cooked chicken strips one day. My appetite is returning slowly...just in time for chemo. I have lost approximately 16 - 18 pounds since I first stepped foot in the UCLA Revlon Breast Cancer Center. I looked at food like the enemy. The items that are written up as being cancer fighters or super foods presented their own problems; I couldn't figure out how much I needed to eat to acquire all the benefits. I looked different places on the web and in books and couldn't get a solid answer. This caused a degree of anxiety so I rationalized that the less I put in my body the better. At some point I lost my appetite, altogether.
I found a daily devotional that was Adam's and I carry it with me every day. I don't always have time to read it but it is a comfort having it with me. I seem to have settled on this one over the others because of the connection to Adam. Ethel gave me one and Darlene gave me one but it is Adam's that means the most. They are all sending messages I need to hear and I keep them all near by but it is Adam's that is forever at my side. I polish my left ring finger with the cross and stone in remembrance of the sacrifice Jesus made for me. I chose the left ring finger because the blood line is closest and strongest to the heart. I can pass a finger over the cross and feel the bump of the stone at its center or I can close my hand and hold it in my palm throughout the day. I never want the image of Jesus far from me.
Joe and I went to Remedy pharmacy and spoke to Connie Kim about vitamins for me during chemo. She gave me a vitamin made from whole foods on a farm nearby. She also gave me D 5000 IU. Ethel told me to beware the vitamin D and I looked it up online and, sure enough, it is not a good idea to take vitamin D while on chemo. Chemo for breast cancer is prepared with the vitamin D deficiency in mind. It must be common that woman are D deficient when they have breast cancer. I checked for the other vitamins, as well, but all I found was that any supplement may interfere with the chemo. I put a call in to Dr. Glaspy to ask about taking the multi-vitamin and was told by the front desk person that he or his assistant would get back to me - that was Thursday afternoon and it is Friday evening. No phone call. I hope this is not a sign of things to come. If your oncologist isn't going to call you back then who?!
Marsue sent a book "Rockin' the Pink" and a coin purse. I need something to put my PIV and building Access card in and this will do nicely! It is wonderful to have my relationship on track with Marsue. Our communication has slowed and was minimal but now it is back to where it was.
I don't have an overly positive frame of mind today but I am not overwhelmed and defeated, either. I can't, honestly, say I am in a good place, emotionally, but I am not in a place of desperation. I look for answered prayers - and God knows I have been praying relentlessly for an answer in particular. I have had no indication that this one will be in my favor. I have to trust and believe and let it go.
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Adam's daily devotional.
Natalia chose the 'Mint Green' nail polish and
applied the first coat for me :)
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