Second time around..

1/3 Complete (of this part)

 

I had my second round of chemotherapy on Wednesday. It was slightly less time than the first. I didn't sleep as restfully while in the infusion chair and came home tired. It was fairly quiet and we all watched a wolf roam aimlessly in the field across from the building. It looked sick and tired. I had my camera with me and was able to zoom in and take a few pictures before he (yes, he) ambled back across the street to where he came from.

 

Yesterday, I saw Dr. Glaspy for my follow-up to chemo and to have my Neulasta injection. We talked about the state of the VA and I told him that my letter for a second mammogram just arrived from the VA (this letter is based on the mammogram that showed a 'suspicious' area in December - yes, that one that started it all). Dr. Glaspy's chuckled and his eyes flew open! He said, "well, tell them there's no need now". We, both, laughed at that. He asked if there would be a time that I would need to use the VA and I told him, yes, if Joe removes me from his insurance, then, I would be back in the VA system. He seemed a little disheartened by that news. That's what the reputation of the VA system has become! Now, with the hundreds of patients dead due to long wait lists and lack of attention the VA has become a target for scrutiny - as it should! Nothing's changed with the VA. The care is substandard because the physicians/assistants don't care. They treat the vets like cattle and if the medicine needed isn't in the arsenal, guess what? You don't get it. The wait time for x-rays, specialists, surgery, etc is abominal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could go back through my own record and show the travesty of wait times. Usually, I couldn't wait those times and went outside the system and paid out of my pocket or used a medical card. Thank GOD I had a husband (Jorge) who had a healthcare plan and Joe does too!! What state would I be in right now???? The compensation part of the VA is just as backlogged and just as much a travesty.

 

But, anyway. I am just beginning to feel the Neulasta and Chemo. Not as debilitating (so far) as the first round. Still, running every step I come across, though. Seems so insignificant but it is all I can do and I am doing it. It makes me feel like I am hanging on to that promise.

 

Still have my hair - thin but, covering. Dr. Glaspy feels that it will all fall out quickly, now. I bought a beautiful wig yesterday at Reflections in the UCLA medical center building. When my skin clears up I can put on a bit of BB cream and look like my normal self. My scarves arrived from TLC American Cancer Society and I am excited. Very Nice. The hats I picked up at Stein Mart yesterday are much improvement over the ones I had picked up at the Grove. I will put name brands and styles and pictures in here later.

 

I, sorely, need to catch up with my companion journal and I am going to do that now.

The Pain, The Pain

WHEN TO CALL THE DOCTOR?

 

I had a terrible, painful night. Of course,  not much sleep. My objective is to stay hydrated today and take the Claritin, pain pills, and other regular meds. I can't believe how much pain I am in even after taking pain meds. I feel like my uterus is on fire and my ovaries are being squeezed by a vice. I have radiating pains down my thighs and around my back. Should I call the doctor? No one talked to me about the pain of these organs shutting down. I wonder if anyone considered I was not menopausal or post-menopausal. I had been asked many times if I was still having periods. I always answered 'yes'. It makes me think that the pain I am feeling may not be normal. If I am pre-menopausal and this kind of pain is expected, someone would have told me, right?

 

I am so far behind in classwork and it looks like my teacher may not grade the papers I turn in late - so, zero's for all. She is aware of my situation and I am not asking for special favors but grade the papers, already.

 

I feel terrible. I am hoping that Joe's mother decides not to come up today. I don't want to move out of my room and have to change sheets, etc. to get ready for her.

 

I will call the doctor this afternoon if I experience no relief.

I called and was given the on-call doctor, Dr. Caul (?). She said the pain was most likely not my uterus or ovaries but the pelvic bone, hips, etc. I told her I was having pain before the Neulasta - she insists chemo doesn't affect the uterus or ovaries in pre-menopausal women that way. She told me to take the regular Claritin, Benedryl and Pepcid. Joe brought back 24-hour Claritin and I can't use that  - as far as I know. I'm trying to go by the exact word of the doctors. Joe laid the pills outside of my door and didn't bring up water. He never came in the room to see how I was or if I needed anything. I went downstairs to get water and some pieces of fruit. My mouth is really dry and I don't feel like eating. The pain doesn't allow for deep breathes or an appetite. All I am thinking is 'protein' - I need protein. Eggs, maybe. My taste buds are off and I don't feel hungry right now. I went into Nat's room and asked her to check on me from time to time. I am not sure what I am feeling but it scares me. Bones or uterus, the pain is excruciating. The rest of my body aches from moment to moment and I don't feel that I can function on any level. I went into my classroom online and completed the discussion but it's late. I am thinking that I am going to have to withdraw from school. If this is what I have to deal with every 3 weeks, I will never stand a chance in the classroom. I don't want to be mediocre in school.

I went into the master bathroom and started the bath - no plug. I went downstairs (it is painful making those steps!) and asked where the plug is. There isn't one. So, he is on his way to get one - I told him to pick up the 8 hour Claritin while he's out.

He's been downstairs in front of the T.V. all day. Nice. It is such a terribly sad and lonely place. I can pray to God and read the Bible for comfort but, to see that human doing nothing for you and not caring if you are okay or not - that is devastating. I have blogged about this and feel like I, probably, don't need to keep saying it. He hasn't changed and he isn't going to.  And, I guess my cancer has settled into the minds of those around me near and far. I don't want anyone to be consumed with my condition but, ask me how I am, once in a while. The phone is silent, no door bell rings, no text messages. Sigh.

This is the way it's going to be all through chemo? Should anyone question why I feel the burning need to work...well, this is it.