SURGERY
Yesterday was my last day of work for awhile. I went into work like I do any other day but with different objectives; I have to clear up any lingering work at my desk. I was able to do most of that except for 2 items; a search for a veteran's mail that is currently at a brokered site and research on another veteran's claim for compensation received for wrong contention. I'm sure they will both be taken care of. What stupefied me is that new tasks were given even towards the end of my day. I received an email that I was given access as 'timekeeper'. Are you serious?? I could only laugh. No one was given my tasks, specifically. Darlene will be asked to do most of it and I am sorry to her! So much to do and not enough people to do it. Otherwise it was quiet. A coworker, Scott, brought me a book, The Case For Christ, by Lee Strobel. I look forward to reading it! That was a very nice and welcome gesture. Coworkers like Scott have made going to work a pleasure.
I told Sandria and Desiree (my hearing impaired coworkers) and they were devastated and tearful...I knew it would be that way. They are loving and sensitive and the news is hard to take in. I hugged them both and told them I was going to be okay and that I would be back soon. That seemed to cheer them up a bit.
I hung up a "Gone Wandering" sign on my computer and shut it down. As I picked up my things and looked around Scott hugged me and wished me luck...it looked like he was going to cry so I told him "don't cry for me". I hugged Leroy and told everyone good-bye. I shut the door to IPC and I had to hurry out. I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness. Down the elevator and to the car, the bright, sunny, warm day was of little comfort. I stopped at Starbucks on Santa Monica before getting on the 405. This would be my last time here for awhile, too. I wanted to cry all the way home but only cried a little. I listened to Ethel's CD and did my best to take comfort in it's words.
I wasn't sure how Joe was feeling today after he called me disrespectful for taking out the bathroom trash that he had told Natalia to take out. It was pretty ugly. She fell asleep and the trash was still in the bathroom when Joe came down the steps and said "Will you go up and help Natalia with the trash!" I got up and said "Sure!" - trying to be pleasant instead of showing how stupid it was that he just passed the bathroom and came down the steps to tell me to go up and get the trash. I bagged it and took it out. When I was heading back up the stairs he said I disrespected him by doing that as I was supposed to "help" her and not do it myself. "Don't you EVER disrespect me like that..." was all I could make out of what he was rambling. In my mind I'm in disbelief. How can someone be so clueless and insensitive??
Darlene came over with Ariel and stayed for a while but shortly after Joe and Natalia arrived home from Kinko's, they left. Joe asked Ariel if she wanted anything from the kitchen and said "from what Heather tells me, Darlene, you'll help yourself if you want anything" fake laugh. I was so embarrassed and had no idea what he meant by that. Darlene just looked at me but I'm not sure what she was thinking. He was very nice to Ariel and hugged for luck on her mararun today. He is good with kids and I've told him many times to volunteer at the Boys & Girls club. He won't.
It was a great feeling to have Darlene and her daughter over. I was tired when they left but continued working on Nat's dress for her competition today. I haven't done any costuming for her since her last show in North Hollywood. I'm thinking that I should sew while I'm at home - sew and read. Two things that keep my mind busy.
Today I am moody. My brain, in automatic, thinks about everything I need to get done before going back to work Monday and then the brain fires reality; no work on Monday. It's a sick feeling.
Steve is coming tomorrow night and I am so relieved! For him as much for me. He will be able to see that I am still me and not much has changed. I am in no pain and I move around normally. I want that to sooth his fears. He will go with me to my Monday, pre-surgical, preparations at Nuclear Imaging. My lymph nodes will 'light up' for surgery.
I have a timeline for my procedure on Monday; SCREECH
I just went to get my surgical orders and saw they had the box checked next to "biopsy" and not "lumpectomy"!! My heart rate just shot up 4000 beats per second! I called the number to the office and the recording gave me a number to a pager system. Dr Mearer returned the call and confirmed the surgery was a lumpectomy and he explained that they place a wire around the tumor and remove the tissue within the wire and send to pathology to test the outer margins to see if the cancer is present there. The lymph nodes will be checked and reported right away.
Then Joe started talking about Ductal Carcinoma In Situ being different than her2 and that they aren't related. So I just Googled both and found that DCIS is non-invasive and easily remedied unless it becomes Invasive! Joe went and got the paperwork and I read it over - I have INVASIVE! Oh, my God! My markers were estrogen 90% and progesterone 30% with the her2 maker still out. But I remember Dr. Schmit telling me that the her2 marker was positive when I talked to him about the MRI/diagnostic Mammo/ultrasound. So, I was thinking this could be gotten under control easily and now I have to rethink everything!! Joe is standing behind me talking about the girl in McCann's office knowing more than Dr. Schmit and how she feels that surgery is the very last option blah, blah, blah, and I ask him "Are they talking about breast cancer", "is she a receptionist or a nurse", "how many cases have they cured of cancer?" - "uh, I don't know, I assume she's a nurse, she knows all the lingo". This is what I hear from the person that wants me to walk away from medical cancer treatment at UCLA. I don't even know if I can have the radiation I talked to Dr. Demanes about! We were going to do the implant but if I am her2 positive with invasive ductal carcinoma then I don't think I qualify!! OH MY GOD - I can't take any more! The her2 is also linked to the DNA - genetics! JESUS help me now! Natalia is away at her competition and I can't hug her right now...I didn't go to Burbank because of my sore throat and I am trying not to get any sicker before surgery. I just feel overwhelmed all over again.
I told Sandria and Desiree (my hearing impaired coworkers) and they were devastated and tearful...I knew it would be that way. They are loving and sensitive and the news is hard to take in. I hugged them both and told them I was going to be okay and that I would be back soon. That seemed to cheer them up a bit.
I hung up a "Gone Wandering" sign on my computer and shut it down. As I picked up my things and looked around Scott hugged me and wished me luck...it looked like he was going to cry so I told him "don't cry for me". I hugged Leroy and told everyone good-bye. I shut the door to IPC and I had to hurry out. I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness. Down the elevator and to the car, the bright, sunny, warm day was of little comfort. I stopped at Starbucks on Santa Monica before getting on the 405. This would be my last time here for awhile, too. I wanted to cry all the way home but only cried a little. I listened to Ethel's CD and did my best to take comfort in it's words.
I wasn't sure how Joe was feeling today after he called me disrespectful for taking out the bathroom trash that he had told Natalia to take out. It was pretty ugly. She fell asleep and the trash was still in the bathroom when Joe came down the steps and said "Will you go up and help Natalia with the trash!" I got up and said "Sure!" - trying to be pleasant instead of showing how stupid it was that he just passed the bathroom and came down the steps to tell me to go up and get the trash. I bagged it and took it out. When I was heading back up the stairs he said I disrespected him by doing that as I was supposed to "help" her and not do it myself. "Don't you EVER disrespect me like that..." was all I could make out of what he was rambling. In my mind I'm in disbelief. How can someone be so clueless and insensitive??
Darlene came over with Ariel and stayed for a while but shortly after Joe and Natalia arrived home from Kinko's, they left. Joe asked Ariel if she wanted anything from the kitchen and said "from what Heather tells me, Darlene, you'll help yourself if you want anything" fake laugh. I was so embarrassed and had no idea what he meant by that. Darlene just looked at me but I'm not sure what she was thinking. He was very nice to Ariel and hugged for luck on her mararun today. He is good with kids and I've told him many times to volunteer at the Boys & Girls club. He won't.
It was a great feeling to have Darlene and her daughter over. I was tired when they left but continued working on Nat's dress for her competition today. I haven't done any costuming for her since her last show in North Hollywood. I'm thinking that I should sew while I'm at home - sew and read. Two things that keep my mind busy.
Today I am moody. My brain, in automatic, thinks about everything I need to get done before going back to work Monday and then the brain fires reality; no work on Monday. It's a sick feeling.
Steve is coming tomorrow night and I am so relieved! For him as much for me. He will be able to see that I am still me and not much has changed. I am in no pain and I move around normally. I want that to sooth his fears. He will go with me to my Monday, pre-surgical, preparations at Nuclear Imaging. My lymph nodes will 'light up' for surgery.
I have a timeline for my procedure on Monday; SCREECH
I just went to get my surgical orders and saw they had the box checked next to "biopsy" and not "lumpectomy"!! My heart rate just shot up 4000 beats per second! I called the number to the office and the recording gave me a number to a pager system. Dr Mearer returned the call and confirmed the surgery was a lumpectomy and he explained that they place a wire around the tumor and remove the tissue within the wire and send to pathology to test the outer margins to see if the cancer is present there. The lymph nodes will be checked and reported right away.
Then Joe started talking about Ductal Carcinoma In Situ being different than her2 and that they aren't related. So I just Googled both and found that DCIS is non-invasive and easily remedied unless it becomes Invasive! Joe went and got the paperwork and I read it over - I have INVASIVE! Oh, my God! My markers were estrogen 90% and progesterone 30% with the her2 maker still out. But I remember Dr. Schmit telling me that the her2 marker was positive when I talked to him about the MRI/diagnostic Mammo/ultrasound. So, I was thinking this could be gotten under control easily and now I have to rethink everything!! Joe is standing behind me talking about the girl in McCann's office knowing more than Dr. Schmit and how she feels that surgery is the very last option blah, blah, blah, and I ask him "Are they talking about breast cancer", "is she a receptionist or a nurse", "how many cases have they cured of cancer?" - "uh, I don't know, I assume she's a nurse, she knows all the lingo". This is what I hear from the person that wants me to walk away from medical cancer treatment at UCLA. I don't even know if I can have the radiation I talked to Dr. Demanes about! We were going to do the implant but if I am her2 positive with invasive ductal carcinoma then I don't think I qualify!! OH MY GOD - I can't take any more! The her2 is also linked to the DNA - genetics! JESUS help me now! Natalia is away at her competition and I can't hug her right now...I didn't go to Burbank because of my sore throat and I am trying not to get any sicker before surgery. I just feel overwhelmed all over again.
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