TOMORROW THE LUMPECTOMY

 

Surgery is tomorrow. Lumpectomy and Breast Sentinel lymph node. I am nervous but I replay the Sunday service over and over and over in my mind. Natalia and I were anointed, Ethel's mom's powerful words in her testimony and the guest singer moved us both. Ethel gave me her oil so I could anoint myself and pray as often as I need. She is a strong and powerful influence. I am so fortunate to have met her and to be taking my cue from her.

 

Stephen arrived late last night! We hugged and he said "I want to be a better son". I told him how proud I was of him for becoming the man that he is and that it isn't over. Every wrong can be righted. No one walks through life perfect. We are not secluded vessels and mistakes happen. Always live to your own truth and keep it humble. That's the best advice I have for anyone. It's hard living our own truth - very hard at times.

It would be wonderful to have Adam here, too, but I understand he can't make it. I know it bothers him that he can't be here. I want him to know that it's going to be okay and I feel him here with us now. No worries.

 

Steve took me to my appointment at UCLA nuclear imaging. On the way he played the 80s music we listened and danced to (all the time) when he was little. He held my hand and sang along.

 

The crisscross of the buildings and elevators can be confusing and I try not to get angry about it but I keep thinking about my mother and how there was no structure to her health care. We found out what she was supposed to be doing, at each turn, by bumping into it. Show up one day and told to get a test or go to a different floor then back again. Asking a million questions that rarely were answered without several other questions needing answers. It was exhausting. I expected better from UCLA. I don't care if you are taking out the trash I expect it to be done swiftly and professionally. So, when given instructions to have nuclear imaging there should be a map and directions - to include parking. I should have been given the pre-op and op timeline long before I had to ask for it! AND, the correct procedure should have been checked at the top! I remember Cindy saying the first day I saw Dr. Schmit, "I will be in contact with you and guide you every step of the way" oh- unless you aren't there. She is the only one that can take care of Dr. Schmit's business so, if she's sick guess what? The business doesn't get done. I don't want to feel like I'm being flung about willy-nilly like my mother was in bum-fuck NC.

 

The procedure was two-fold; I received an injection from Dr. Schiepers, MD, Ph.D. professor(expertly done with a little history thrown in) and then waited 2 hours before the imaging. Steve and I walked around Westwood and ate at the "Mr. Noodle". We had steamed won-ton and I ate garlic shrimp and green tea. Steve had something completely different. I don't know what it was. We walked back and I went in for imaging. It wasn't what Marsue prepared me for. She had called while we were at lunch and told me she and Rae were wearing their breast cancer socks tomorrow to show sister solidarity! Very nice! She explained what her nuclear imaging was like for her heart and it's nothing like what I experienced. I don't know if I want to tell her - it will just remind her that she is getting sub-standard care where she is living! The room I went into was low-lit and quiet the bed was comfortable and the imaging did not make a sound. The bed was raised to meet the square, flat imaging bed and It took 10 minutes; 5 for one angle and 5 for the other. Not a single noise or light from anywhere to indicate picture was being taken! The technician, then, marked the closest lymph node, on my body, with an 'X' using indelible marker. That was it and I was done.

 

Am I nervous about tomorrow? A little bit, but, the words spoken at church, the prayers and the voices of my loved ones (alive and dead) are loud and plenty keeping those fears at bay. Friends - new and old comfort me now. Dave, a friend from Northwest, surprised me with a call today. Said the news had shocked him in a way that he couldn't call me until now. I see that happening with people and I respect that. If it meant nothing than I would mean nothing. I am not meaningless.