Okay...er, what??

 

EARTH TO PEOPLE

 

I'm pretty sure this is something I have done or not done. I just haven't figured out what.

 

1) Last Thursday when I had chemotherapy I was informed about my negative reaction to Neulasta was hurtful to me so, it was pulled from the treatment plan. Dr. Glaspy told me to apply for disability and call it a day.  I don't qualify for any assistance enabling me some income while I stay home. So, making my work environment safe has become a priority. I am vulnerable to sickness without Neulasta. The VA (I haven't nailed down who is responsible) will not move me to a secluded area or ask that I work from home without a note from the doctor. I'm thinking the doctor will support me with a statement - anything for the patient going through chemo, right? The email I received from Dr. Glaspy via mychart UCLA simply said "You'll be fine. Call me if you have a fever of 101 or higher". I am confused. Wasn't I taking the Neulasta to protect me while going through chemo? Didn't he say I should file for disability and he would fill out whatever they needed? Suddenly, I'm fine?? Why the hell was I going through the pain and agony of Neulasta if it wasn't necessary?? Where's my support from the doctor? I feel like I was placed on a tightrope and left there teetering for all time!

 

2) Why won't the VA just move my computer to a better place. I know people don't understand chemo but they do know that it weakens the immune system. Why wait for a doctor's note? I am going to work throughout treatment - I'm giving well over what is asked of anyone. So, why not bend for me, too?? I don't understand. Computers are moved all over the building every day. People in my department have their computers moved because of the lighting or proximity to someone they don't like. What the hell??

 

3) The car brakes incident. Please, really? What the hell?

 

Today my coach gave an hour-long training at a snails pace and then turned it over to me. Then he left! How am I supposed to go through the process while sitting with my back to the group working on a computer that is so weirdly rigged to project?? I didn't go through as much as I was supposed to but training was on hour 2 and everybody was weary! These training sessions can go on for hours with redundant questions, people challenging what your saying and personal issues being brought up in this forum. UGH!!! I panicked a little bit as I was going through the process and would draw a blank in the middle of explaining something. Nothing in there. Just blank. I lost my direction around Target this afternoon too. It's a scary feeling to be lost or to know you know something but can't find it in your brain!

 

I want to be okay going through chemo and all of the parts of treatment. I want to go through each day like it's a normal day. The reality is, it is not a normal day. I hurt from head to toe, right now. I went to work anyway. Monday and today were difficult to get through. The pain in my bones and joints was matched by a horrible pain that engulfed my mid-section from ribs to pelvic bone. Food and drink have no taste. Diarrhea abounds. Headaches, nausea. I feel like I could throw up at any given moment. The effects of chemo seem to be getting worse. Honestly, right now, I feel like I don't want to put the extra effort forth to be 'normal'. I'm not normal right now. I want to not go back to work, not talk to anyone and hibernate in the house. I'll go out in the yard when no one is here. I'll take walks early in the morning. If I'm being totally honest, I don't want to do chemo anymore, either. I want to walk away from all of it; people, work, treatment - done! I could spend my days climbing mountains and photographing wild animals, meditating by the ocean, sitting in the grass and connecting with nature - there are so many things I could do in a day that would restore me and heal me so, why am I not doing them??