Self discovery...can be painful.

THE ROCKY ROAD TO SELF EVALUATION

 

 

I missed two days of work this week; not because of pain or nausea, but, a rash on my face. The same rash that was on my forehead (still hasn't healed completely) and on my cheeks after the first round of chemo. But, this time, my cheeks became covered in raised red bumps that filled with pus and bled. My forehead became agitated, as well. The swelling and bleeding is painful but, most of all, I, really, look horrible. My hair is, still, thin but hanging on. I look like an 84 year-old man. So, here is where self evaluation/discovery enters the picture. I never thought of myself as vain, but, find that my appearance bothers me. I assume it bothers others, too. As if I was a raving beauty before cancer. I wasn't - I know that. But, appearance plays a role in how one is treated by others...I know that very well. When I was homeless/living in poverty I couldn't afford clothes and, therefore, the boys and I shopped at Goodwill. I wasn't dressed "to impress", ever. If given a choice, the man at the sales counter would wait on the well-dressed woman in heels before me. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - that was long time ago. It's an observation. So, here I am, with a compromised face and head. I'm still me but I am viewed differently - or am I? I started thinking about the kind of person I am because one of my VSO friends, Duke, sent me a text today that said "don't worry, you are a beautiful person!". So, I asked myself, am I a beautiful person? I know that before the cancer diagnosis I was angry, bitter, and resentful toward Joe and I am working on that every day. How am with other people? I have a natural tendency to be kind to everyone and to reach out to those that others might not. I don't hold grudges and I don't judge. But, and here's the big BUT, I let others influence that part of me. I will laugh along or say something snarky if it fits the conversation. I'm not comfortable with that part of me and I think it makes my appearance ugly - at least, to me. Why do I do it? I, honestly, don't think about people around me and what they are doing. It doesn't bother me. I suppose I invite criticism because I do befriend people that a majority find impossible to like. There is something in everyone - this goes back to my shipmate on the Iowa that I blogged about earlier. Everyone has something special within them. Appearances and first impressions are not, always, definitive. What else about me? I anger quickly behind the wheel of a car. The LA traffic drives me nuts!! I spend too much time being wounded because someone didn't think about my feelings before saying/doing something hurtful. I'll ask myself too many times why my feelings would be ignored? Do I invite people to trample my emotions? Is it something that I do that brings that on? People don't feel they have to consider me? I don't know. But, I witness others being considered all the time - what am I doing that discourages such behavior? I wonder if some of it is because people assume I'm okay without it; I won't be angry or feel slighted. Or, I just don't warrant the caring part in some people. That sucks. Earlier this evening I read the devotional for today and started crying. I asked God what was love on earth for? If He asks for us to devote our love to Him and to relish in His love for us above all others, then, why do we have the capacity to love? We are meant to love and be loved or it wouldn't be the all consuming emotion that it is. It is the most powerful emotion we have. Love can empower and destroy. What other emotion does it like love? So where's the love for me? Why don't I have someone that loves me above themselves - or, above others? Am I not worthy of such love? I can't say that I have never been loved, I have. But, not by one that endures. My children love me but, even that is removed by several degrees. I love them in a way that I would lay down my life for them. I love Joe in a way that I would give him a kidney if he needed it - without a doubt. I love easily. I fall in love all day long. I fall out of it, too, but, still - in love all day long.

 

I, suppose, I worry that my face will scare someone. I don't know how I would react if someone shrieked when they looked at me. I feel like the beast on beauty and the beast. Thankfully, that hasn't happened, yet. Instead, I was hugged by my coach today. He made a gesture about my face and hugged me. That was very sweet. I needed it, too. I spend time talking about my face. Everyone in my workspace knows I am in chemo and they assume the rash is from the treatment but, if a conversation presents itself I will mention it. This usually leads to a lot of questions about the chemo. I feel this is a great opportunity to explain what chemo is, how it works and why the side-effects are what they are. Awareness, awareness, awareness.

 

 

So, my appearance challenges me in that I worry what others think. I don't like the way I look but I don't have to look at myself if I don't want to. What others see when they look at me is my concern. Do they see a good person and did they see a good person before? How can I take this experience and make myself a better person? I'm figuring it out.

 

This is the rash before the last round of chemo. My hair is still like this.
My next round of chemo is in 7 days.

This is the rash after the second round of chemo before the rash on my cheeks
became raised, pustules followed by bleeding. I might post that picture later along with
the red burn-like mark on my breast (I am assuming its from the radiation).