Out of the 'wallpaper'

FEELINGS ARE SETTLING IN

 

I don't feel as identified with the character from "The Yellow Wallpaper" these days. That's a good thing. But just in case, I won't be putting up patterned wallpaper any time soon. I can be emotional and cry easily but, I'm not desperate for compassion. Things are settling into a 'normal' of sorts. Like anything we have to live with for longer than a few months, it settles in and becomes a part of our expected day.

 

Joe is out of town with the plane. I'm not sure when he's coming back. I was told this weekend but, it may be next weekend. It's okay. I'm not feeling afraid or vulnerable because he's gone. I'm okay. He texted me earlier to ask if he should go to a school in July. It will take him out of town for 5 weeks. I'm okay with that, too. His life has to go on as it is. I'm glad he isn't around much, really. The less he has to look at me the better. I asked him not to, in fact. He said something in a text that was very sweet. When I told him to go to the school, the more time away the better so he doesn't have to look at my condition he replied, "It's about inner beauty". He didn't tell me I was beautiful on the inside but, I understand what he's saying. I know how difficult it is for him to see the inner beauty beyond the outer beauty. Like his mother said, 'Joe like beautiful things; clothes, cars and women'. I see his comment as something deeper coming from him than I have seen in the past. Just as I am letting myself love him as I did 8 years ago, without fear of rejection, maybe, he's letting himself feel without fear of rejection. I'm comfortable with the place our relationship has taken. It will change and evolve as time passes and I believe it hinges on my words and actions more than Joe's. If that is true, our relationship will only become stronger as time passes. But, if he isn't here, physically, for me to love. then. what will happen? Will I feel rejected and shut down my emotions? That's what I would do a few months ago. I can't afford to shut anything down anymore.

 

I, actually, was propositioned, today, at work! I am stunned. What is that about? Out of the blue by someone 20 years younger who I considered a quasi friend. I would never have considered him as anything other than a work mate - even if I were 20 years younger he would not be someone I would be attracted to. He's a pleasant person but we have never had a conversation beyond general, short, 'how's everything'. What would bring this on? I'm disturbed by this. I am broken, physically, and we never had any kind of deep conversation. We don't work on the same floor and rarely see one another. I am so confused.

 

My face is healing, finally. I still have redness and a few bumps but not covering as much of the surface. It isn't painful, today. It looks like my forehead may, actually, be healing more, too. The red area on  my right breast is peeling. I was told this might happen. The radiation treatment can cause this. It's an area the size of the cavity left after surgery. I keep it covered in Vaseline as often as I can throughout the day and night. The incision from the SAVI is healing, as well. The last remnants of the scab have fallen off.

 

I, continue, to run up the stairs whenever I go up. I've been on the elliptical once. I need to get on there more. I feel well enough most of the time that I can do more exercise. There is, approximately, 5 days after chemo that I, really, can't do any physical activity. Beyond that, it's, sometimes, minute to minute for a few days followed by mostly good days. The week before chemo I begin to feel like my old self (minus taste buds).

 

I have the same amount of hair that I had at my second chemo treatment. I have my third round on Thursday - 6 days away. We'll see if my hair falls out before then.

 

I'm not any more tired than I was before chemo treatment. Today, I was a little more tired than yesterday but, not any more than I ever was. I am told (Dr. Palmer) that the fatigue will increase as I have more treatments. I am going to do my best to not let that happen. I may have no control, we'll see.

 

Joe sent this to me today. He took this the day we went to see Dr.McCann
in Torrance. This was Palos Verde. We were standing on the edge of a little
baseball field overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

This is the 'burn' like mark on my right breast
right over the area where the SAVI was placed
during radiation. It has, since, peeled. The incision
around the nipple is barely noticeable, now. The small
incision for the SAVI is healing (it's on the right around
5:00 from the red mark).