BREAST CANCER, NOW WHAT?

I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago and was completely shocked! My journey since has been horrendous - primarily, because my mental well being has been challenged by this new discovery.

I went to the VA (where I always go) to get my regular, annual mammogram - no big deal. A few days later the Women's Care Doctor (my regular provider was out with injury) called my cell phone, while I was at work, and laid it on me, "There is something suspicious on your mammogram". I was surprised but not overly concerned and I listened as she went on to detail a 3mm size lump and a 5mm area of dense tissue; "could be a lesion". She, then, went on to tell me they would set me up for another mammogram and ultrasound at the West LA facility. I was just beginning to feel a little nervous. My nerves didn't really kick in until I didn't hear back from the VA with the appointment time that day or the next.

I shared my concerns with Marilyn (a lovely 30-year volunteer originally from England) and she suggested that I go to another doctor, if I am able (insurance), and pursue the VA exams, as well.

I called UCLA and was given an appointment for Monday (it was a Thursday afternoon) and was asked to bring the report and images from the VA mammogram. I then called the VA Women's Clinic, Sepulveda, to let them know I had not received an appointment. The receptionist told me it was up to me to schedule them. What?? She gave me the number that led me to an answering machine that told me to leave my name and number. A week later, dinner time, I got a phone call asking what I needed. What??

I met Dr. Schmit at the Revlon Breast Cancer Center at UCLA on Monday afternoon (walking from work) and we looked at the CD of images and he examined my breast and said, "Let's get this taken care of right now and find out what's going on". He didn't seem concerned and, therefore, I relaxed. I had to go into the radiology area alone and changed into a gown that was just not big enough! Joe was in the waiting room but had to leave to get Natalia from school. I went in for my 3D imaging and then waited. I watched women, of all ages, sizes and shapes, come in and go out. I grew cold and nervous. Eventually, a woman came out and said I was being set up for an "ultrasound". What?? Why? An area of concern was revealed on the 3D imaging that was not found on the VA mammogram. I waited and the sun went down. The ultrasound room was just like the one they use to scan a pregnant woman. This wasn't the same feeling, though. They turned out the lights and began taking pictures. The radiology doctor came in and looked at the images being taken and told me he would be back after comparing and viewing in greater detail. I was thinking, really?? I told myself it was probably shifting breast tissue and cysts, etc., by all the women I told about my suspicious mammogram. All the women had stories of lumps and bumps and it was nothing, "You'll be fine! It's nothing, they just need to be cautious". Then the doctor returned with "I would like to do a biopsy" and I said "because it might be cancer??" and he nodded slightly with a tight lip and said, "yes". I walked back to my car from 200 Medical Center Drive to the Federal Building completely chilled. I stopped in a small shop along Westwood Blvd and bought a light sweater and then at Starbucks for a warm Café Mocha. The walk seemed long - very long and I was alone. This is the beginning of the most extreme loneliness I have ever felt.

I had the biopsy a few days later. Joe (my other) and Natalia went with me. My sister, Marsue, said "plan something enjoyable for after your biopsy so it gives you something to look forward to" - so I did. After the painless core needle biopsy with ultrasound (I am impressed by the skill and efficiency of the procedure by the doctor) I was sent on my way with an icepack. I was telling myself it would be okay. Joe was too busy talking about his cold that he felt coming on and the traffic we had to go through to get home. I read pamphlets, while waiting for the ultrasound, that 70% of this and that are nothing and that most patients getting a biopsy result in a benign this and that but that wasn't comforting me. But, I wasn't full-blown panicked, yet. Natalia asked where I wanted to go. I said Brentwood to the farmer's market for lunch. Joe said "well, of course, you want to go and have lunch you're not driving. I forget that people don't pay attention to the traffic when they're not driving". I said nothing - Natalia said nothing. At the last minute before the on ramp to the 405 he veered off and headed into Brentwood. We had a wonderful lunch at one of mine and Natalia's favorite finds since moving here! Oh, yes, I PAID!

When the results (partial) were in to Dr. Schmit he called me. He asked if it was okay to talk over the phone and he said "the tumor is cancer". He continued on with options for surgery and treatment plans and mentioned "Herceptin" and other very familiar words from taking care of my mother as she died from breast cancer in 2002. I began hearing a loud buzz in my ears and my legs became heavy. I heard my breathing inside of my head and glass shattering inside my arms and legs. I was hot and sweating profusely as I sat inside the, normally, cool stairwell. He told me Cindy would set up an appointment for a few days out and we would discuss a plan and the 3 markers would be back by then (the rest of the biopsy). I called Joe and told him it was cancer. He started yelling into the phone "HELLO, HELLO" like he couldn't hear me. He said something like "it is, really?" and said he'd see me later. What the fuck??

I went back into the room I work in at the VA and Darlene was sitting in a chair next to mine - she is a new NPWE for the VA and wasn't supposed to be in this building but, rather, the medical side (her expertise is there) but God put her next to me. She asked "everything okay?" and trembling I said, "no". She took me outside and we walked and she told me it would be okay. We prayed and talked outside. I don't remember most of what we said except that she said a prayer and she was exactly what I needed at that moment. She gave me the address for her church and told me that there were 2 breast cancer survivors that she would hook me up with as well as put me on the prayer list. I had drifted from my, once, strong spiritual connection since moving to California. I believe that the anger and frustration with my living situation with Joe has clogged my heart and my ability to receive the positive energy that I once had. But, now I am fighting to reclaim my state - not just with God but with my Chakra's, AA, mental health - all of it!

I am exhausted just reliving this much of my journey thus far!

To be continued...