REALLY, I AM ALONE??
I went to work Monday and Tuesday. It was extremely difficult to be 'there'. I was aching all over, sick to my stomach and not of a clear mind. My aches and hurts were not like anything I've ever felt. Tylenol doesn't work and the sharp jabs of pain are in the deepest parts of my bones. My joints will hurt randomly and stop me in my tracks. The aches throughout my mid-section are indescribable.
It isn't a stomach ache or intestinal virus or any thing else relatable. It is a discomfort I can't explain. Each organ reacting to the chemo, I guess, and stretching, trying to breath. Nothing can fix it. Antacid, Pepto-Bismol, Alka-Seltzer - or any of the 'go-to' remedies can't be gone to. Just hold on and pray.
It would be most helpful if I had help at home, though. Someone who knew what meds I should take and asked how I was feeling once in a while. I would love to come downstairs and see someone making little bite-size samples of food for me to try - just to see if anything had taste and I could tolerate it. How joyful it would be if someone ran a hot bath and said "this might help". Better, still, someone would come into my room and see if I was okay. If I hadn't gone into Natalia's room on Sunday and asked her to check in on me once in a while, I would have gone the entire weekend without seeing anyone. Joe stayed downstairs watching TV. I had to ask him to get something from the store and he came back with the wrong thing. I asked him for the tub stopper and he said there wasn't one. He went and picked one up. Then he went back to the TV. I couldn't bathe in the big tub because the jets were full of junk and needed cleaned out...I tried but ran out of strength. I rested about an hour and went into the other bathroom and cleaned out the smaller tub and was able to soak a little bit. It was difficult getting out by myself, though, and I won't do that again.
Sunday night I cried on the edge of my bed. I don't understand how someone lives in the house with their partner of 8 years, who has cancer, and is ignored. How is that possible? Joe doesn't come up to me and hug me for no reason and say "I love you" or "we'll get through this" or "you'll be okay" or "don't worry about anything" or "if you can't work, its okay". How about a gesture of some kind? Ask me if I'd like to go for a ride. Is there anything from the store you need? Why not pick up a magazine or a book I've been wanting to read? I could use some time on the couch watching a movie with his arm around me, maybe smoothing my hair and holding my hand. Nothing. He walks by me and says nothing. He is okay that I drive my 20 year old Saturn to LA while the newer explorer sits totaled in the garage - yes, the one he totaled and now tells me I can have. What makes him this way? I know people who take care of their loved ones; husbands, wives, friends, family, children. I know how I took care of my mom. I took over her medicine to make sure she took them on time - one less thing she had to worry about. I tried foods that would appeal to her - whatever foods she wanted to try. We rode along the waterfront and to the beach. We took her to the mall if she wanted to go. If we could have done more, we would have. There is something in us that takes care of another instinctively. No one wants to see their loved one sick or suffer but you know that the compassion and comfort you give means more than medicine. So, what makes a person turn against you and treat you like an unwanted animal when you need them most?
I wrote Joe a letter and asked him those questions. My final question was "I need you to love me completely - what do I do to make that happen?" I'm sure, of all the letter, he will zero in on the last few words and have a list of things for me to do (cook, clean, exercise, don't be so serious, laugh more, etc., etc.) - knowing this, I added "remember, I have cancer". With that, I'm sure he won't acknowledge having read the letter, at all.
I never would have imagined Joe turning out to be like this. He had his faults and could be passive-aggressive and mean but, I never imagined he would be like this. He has broken my heart a thousand times and again a thousand more.
I am afraid Natalia is learning from him. He takes her shopping and has been splurging on her all while doing nothing for me except make my situation more difficult. She doesn't stop him and say "you can't do this for mom then you shouldn't be doing this for me". She, in turn, does nothing for me either. She doesn't come home from school and stop her rambling to ask how I am. She is resistant to do anything I ask her to. She has helped me very little and sporadically. The more comfortable she is around Joe's behavior the more she is becoming like it. She must feel that if it's okay for him to ignore me then it's okay for her, too. I give her more of a pass but not much. Natalia and I have been closer than two peas in a pod and I am her strongest ally and supporter. No one loves her like I do. So, why doesn't she care if I am okay or not? It's easy for her to walk by my room and not look in. It's easy for her to roll her eyes when I say 'I'm not feeling well enough to go out to eat'. How is this possible? I guess it would be best if I had a hole to crawl into until this passed. Then I won't have to worry how I burden others and I won't have to be hurt by lack of compassion.
I know if I were on the east coast near my family things would be different and I would be cared for and about. If Natalia were there with me she wouldn't be acting like this either. She would have others there to look to and she would learn how to be in this situation.
I talked to my Uncle Ron Stegall in Maine and my Uncle David Kanke in MA. I'm glad I did. I got something different from each and I hope to keep them close from now on. They are the closest thing to my parents alive. When I talk to Ron I think of mom, when I talk to Dave I think of Dad. And, it's nice that they talk about my parents, too! Very comforting. I would like to have these phone calls in person, though, with everyone. What a difference a face makes.
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William Blake |
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