Breast Cancer Now What?: Vanity

VANITY...WHO KNEW I HAD SOME?

I never thought of myself as being vain or having vanity. I wasn't one to think through an outfit or spend hours on make-up - in fact, I seldom wore make-up. As a parent, I never thought twice about throwing my hair in a pony tail, slipping on shoes and taking kids to school in pajamas. Scars, burns, swelling - whatever, I didn't reflect on my imperfections and never thought about trying to hide them. So, here I am experiencing a few of the unpleasant side effects of chemotherapy and I am distressed. I have thought about not continuing with work, not going to school events with Natalia, and not going anywhere with Joe (not like Joe and I go to many places together, anyway). I have had a challenge getting to this blog and keeping up my companion journal! What is up with that?? I have lost the vision that this is temporary and that I will return to the way I was before. Well, I feel that I am a chore to look at and without any confirmation that I am NOT a chore to look at, then, the feelings manifest. I would be fine if Joe told me that my appearance was fine by him. I know, to him, I am not attractive - I haven't been for years and years but, if he loved me wouldn't he see past the way I look? If he were compassionate, wouldn't he feel that I needed affirmation? Of course he would. But, as I am learning he, honestly, does not love. He, honestly, has no compassion and all those other feelings that come with love. So, as he would normally be, simply, disgusted he is now repulsed. I can't feel bad about it, though. I don't want to look at myself! I look old. My skin, everywhere, on my body is drying and lining. I have been vigilant with my skin for several years because of hypothyroidism and my body skin is holding up fairly well, but, the skin on my face is impacted, terribly. The taxotere is causing my face to erupt in raised, red bumps. Mostly, on my cheeks and on one half of my forehead. My skin is drying rapidly. It looks like I have a thousand lines running horizontal from my nose diagonally to my ear. My jowls seem very prominent, too. I am pale in areas where the red bumps don't appear. My lids are sagging to new depths and I am bloated. My hair has thinned to the point where the pile on the sink is more than what is on my head. I have a bald area on the crown of my scalp. Behind my ears it feels like the hair is being pulled tight in a pony tail and when I rub it the hair falls out. I am bloated around the middle and my feet/ankles are swollen like clubs. The only condition that concerns me, from a medical stand point, is the swelling. I called the oncology nurse to talk about all the symptoms but, the swelling is the only one that had me worried. The nurse told me the rash is from the taxotere and to use Benadryl cream or pill and 5% hydrocortisone if it's itching. She said the swelling was probably from salt and not the chemo because it's, just, now appearing. She advised water, no salt, and walking. I am relieved it's from salt!

I tried to tie a scarf around my head to cover the bald spot and failed. I couldn't tie it in a way that was nice looking and would stay in place. I gave up and felt a little defeated at that moment. I pulled out one of the fitted caps with light ruffle-like material all over it. It doesn't fit right because I still have some hair - it doesn't look right, anyway. I looked at hats and none look right - I look stupid. Today, I'm trying the ball cap I bought several months ago. It makes me look stupid, also. What to do? I may have to look at wigs. I have resisted that idea all along but, I may rethink. I don't know...I have to rethink a lot of things.

I went to work every day last week except Friday (my face and swelling plus diarrhea and headache kept me from going in). I functioned normally and my brain was running on cylinders. So, why do I feel like my coaches are disappointed with me and don't want to bother? I noticed a change in behavior toward me this week. I, really, don't need this in addition to feeling the insecurities I, already, feel. I will be working Monday and Tuesday next week, only, unless chemo is cancelled on Wednesday. Otherwise, I'll be out Wednesday through Friday and, possibly, the following Monday and Tuesday.

My Saturn is on it's last legs, I'm afraid. I am going to have to check into leasing something - we all know Joe won't help me get a different car; the Explorer in the garage has been there for almost a year waiting to be repaired from the fender-bender he was in last July. He told me that was my car but, I think he's taking it back. His car is leaking somewhere around the engine block and so, he may, suddenly, find the urgency to get the garaged one fixed so he can use it. I'm not surprised. That's fine.

It was Joe's birthday on the 17th. I had asked his sister if she would ask their brothers to go in on a Fender Stratocaster for Joe. He's wanted one for 30 years. She said it was great idea and she would do it. On his birthday I texted her and asked if she had the guitar. She said she didn't and that, while it was a good gift, it was more sentimental between me and him and that the expense coupled with other things - she's not going to get the guitar. I don't think she talked to the brothers, at all. Meanwhile, his brother asked for his guitar back. He swapped guitars with Joe a hundred years ago. Joe was puzzled by this. I was thinking, at the time, that it was a prank because they were going to surprise him with a Fender - nope, he just wants his guitar back. His sister told me there was 'no way' Joe was upset by his brother asking for his guitar back...really? That's why Joe said he was going to break it first then send it back. His sister, also, told me that I should save up the money and get him one for Christmas and that he could go afford it for himself if he wanted it as badly as I said he did. Well, I used the school stipend money from my student load and bought his Fender. Not just any Fender - the "Blackie"! Of all Fender Stratocasters that I could have bought for him this is the one he would love the most! And, he does!! I have never seen emotion in him as I saw when he opened the guitar case and saw the guitar. He was speechless and overwhelmed and truly amazed that we did this for him. He was quiet and humbled and gracious. Natalia videoed everything. She and I are touched by his response to the gift and we would give him gifts like this everyday to see his reaction again and again. He thanked us repeatedly. He said no one had ever given him anything this momentous and special - he said it is the best gift he has ever been given. I know it is. You have to know Joe to know what this guitar meant to him to be given as a gift. The day after his birthday he texted another 'thank you' and said he can't believe there's a 'strat' in the house. In spite of how he is with me most of the time, he deserves a gift like this, especially, from his family. He does for his mother, brothers and sister. He is patient and loyal and giving. He is hard working man who asks for nothing from anyone. It probably sounds like I contradict myself when it comes to Joe. It shouldn't. I love him and want to be loved by him. He doesn't love me but that doesn't mean I don't, still, love him and will do for him in a way that comes from love. If I didn't love him do you think I'd spend my stipend money for a guitar?? - And not all the money went to a guitar...I bought myself a new camera; The Samsung WB1100F Smart Camera. :)

Ugh...I am posting pictures of my rash and disappearing hairline. C'est la vie.

NOT DIGGING THIS LOOK. That's Dr. Glaspy's card taped to my phone and my nails have been cut and polish removed. So far the discoloration is just from the nail polish smothering my nails.