Final Post For BCNW

This is my final post for BCNW? as I begin a new post. 

Has the chapter on breast cancer ended? No, noone's chapter on breast cancer ends- even in death. So long as there is research and/or an ancestor of a breast cancer patient the chapter is never closed.

I posed a question, "now what?" and it's been answered; in every blog post & journal entry. The "now" in "now what?" has emerged. That's the answer- now. Do it now. Now is surgery, now is radiation, now is chemo, now is riding horses, now is hiking, now is working, now is exercise, now is praying, now is making amends, now is loving friends & family, now is forgiving, now is letting go, now is standing up, now is fighting back, now is living. 

My journey has shifted focus from breast cancer and treatment to living the best way I know how; nurturing the body, mind and spirit. 

Am I afraid cancer will return as my mother's did? Those thoughts creep in every now and then since my last infusion (April 2), but, I tell myself it's not my mother's cancer and I pray. I am not steeled against cancer, by any means. I don't want what might be to consume the 'now' of living. Of course, cancer will haunt me for the rest of my life but I must soldier on in a positive light lest I die from fear & negativity. It's the 'now' I choose.

The CrossFit Cure-All

Seriously, CrossFit Second Nature has saved me from myself. It's been a little over 4 months and the changes in my state of mind are positively enormous! There is a magic to CrossFit unlike anything I have ever known. I walked through the doors to CF2N like this: I was broken, mentally, spiritually & physically. I was afraid of everything-cancer left my body but fear remained. Joe turned his back on me and offered nothing during cancer treatment (and into today); no support, no love, no kindness-I was unsteady and insecure toward other people thinking everyone would reject me. My family was so far away and I never want to interrupt their lives-I missed the help & care I would have gotten if we lived closer. My daughter was 15 and I, only, wanted her to see that I was living and not dying. The VA was stressful and creating a divide in me between loyalty & self-preservation. The past year has been a battle between what was happening in my life & what I wished was happening in my life. Destructive behavior manifested. I am not exaggerating when I say that CF2N had healed many things and lit the path to many more. I am relearning confidence, positive self-esteem, team building, self-acceptance and letting love grow; to give & receive. It seems all this would be secondary to the physical fitness but for me, it has been primary. My physical state is the best it's been in 20 years!!!! I am giddy with delight in regards to my physical state! Today, I was coached to handstands during the WOD! Last week I completed 81 box jumps! I can lift more than my body weight in a deadlift! Chad had me sprinting-yes! Sprinting!!! And jumping rope, and doing BURPEES, push-ups, and much more!! I am thinning and becoming lean, agile and strong.  How does all that happen? It's the magical combination of hard, physical work, the act of being humbled, being surrounded by people who care, being taught & nurtured by people who have travelled a similar journey and reaching for goals (seen & unseen) with people reaching for themselves as well as for you! 

One Year Since Surgery

I am back where it all began; the breast imaging center at UCLA Westwood. The gown is looser, I look different, and it's too familiar. I've aged over the last year- my hair (still hidden under a wig) has much earned gray and my face is deeply lined (also earned). The mammoth amount of stress attached to the cancer diagnosis added to the treatment for cancer, results in a rapid aging process. My skin reacted terribly to chemo and has not begun to rebound. My eyes are extremely dry, puffy and bloodshot because of taxotere. My toe nails are, still black, in parts, and threatening to fall off. My hips are stiff from tamoxefin. I'm doing what I can to fortify what I can; minerals, vitamins and exercise. Weight loss is a moral booster! Fatigue haunts me and I'm tired all day long. My moods swing dramatically several times a day in reaction to the smallest of events. One terrifying thought resurfaces over and over; I am not meaningful to anyone. I keep looking to find meaning for my existence and, in doing so, looking to be meaningful to someone or something. That's a dangerous place for my mind to be. I set myself up for hurt and great despair. 

Waiting, now, for the doctor to read my mammogram and back to work I'll go. The technician just told me they want an ultrasound! Oh my God!! Flashbacks I can't handle right now!! I looked at my phone and Becca commented on my post (that I am here) and I wrote "I am so scared right now". My heart was racing and I started shaking. Then, I started crying and I felt so alone! Again! My phone started beeping and clicking and buzzing. I saw a post from Leah, right after mine with words of encouragement and then this:

Followed by:

And:

I was NOT alone this time!!! After everything I've been through and all the pitch black loneliness I have weathered, there is this! I don't know when I have felt more cared about by so many! I posted a thank you to Ryan for posting this message!!! I want to cry all over again because I am so grateful!!

After,what seemed an eternity, a doctor called me in to tell me it is a benign lump! Hallelujah!!!

"Pain is weakness leaving the body..."

...and sweat in the workout so you don't bleed in the battlefield"; my friend Jeremy's, DAV, sent me those phrases he was taught during his time in the Marine Corps. I talk to him (usually, via email) at work about my workouts and hikes, runs etc. and he shares with me his desire to be active; he has an injury to his foot that goes unresolved by the CA medical. It's because of people like Jeremy that I go to work and give it my all, in spite of the stress of the way the VA is managed. Today, I stayed home- not because I'm sick but because I'm tired. The drag of how the system doesn't work for veterans wears me down. So, today, as I did on Monday, I'll do my crossFit homework Chad assigned, go for a run, run errands and join an early Crossfit class- and I will LOVE my day and thank God for it.

Monday, I went to CrossFit 2nd Nature for an early class and did the open, instead. I wasn't signed up before then and I didn't plan on it because I don't want to see my name on the bottom of the world-wide page. But, co-owner & coach Ryan and his wife, coach Jill were there and gently nudged me in that direction. Coach Bernard was teaching the class on one side of the box and those in the open were on the other side. Amy Hernandez was my coach and score keeper; she put me at ease and was very encouraging. 15:1 scaled: 15 knee-ups, 10 deadlifts, and 5 clean & jerks. Then, one rep max clean & jerk. I finished with 115 reps and 60 lb one rep. :( I left there feeling so bad about myself. I went to Towsley Canyon for a hike and cried the entire 3 miles. I am competitive by nature and it creeps into everything I do and every aspect of my life: work, fun, fighting cancer, dishes, driving- everything becomes a competition, for me, so, walking away with that score crushed me. It reminded me of where I am, where I came from and just how far I need to go. I cut my hike short and came home and did my Chadwork; my left shoulder ached from something I did over the weekend but, like the open, I pushed through. This on top of my run score from Race on the Base, Saturday, really made me sad.

Last night, during my one-on-one with Chad we talked about the open and I told him that I cried, afterwards. He told me to not feel bad about anything. It's a good thing that I competed. He made me laugh and feel good about myself as we worked through the hour. He's a wonderful coach and an awesome human being. Right now, he's 7th regionally! He is amazing. I study his videos on Instagram every day in hopes of perfecting my technique. If it weren't for Chads instruction on the hang at and cleans I would not have had one rep during the 15:1!! So, Chad said I should go to regionals when he competes at the end of the five-week competition. I will go - the entire box should go! San Diego here we come!

Oh, yea, breast cancer...two more infusions! Next week and then the last one three weeks later. Tamoxefin for five years. I am, still, dealing with hot flashes. They are unbelievably debilitating!!! I don't notice, or don't have, them while exercising, though. My breast has a lump beneath the red mark from radiation. I'm told not to worry about it, so, I won't. Other than that, there's nothing else remarkable about that breast- it looks, pretty much, like it did before cancer. 

My thoughts and mood are getting better.  My hair is growing in slowly - still gray and thinner than before but, it's coming. I'm 60 pounds lighter than before cancer and have a waistline- so important for women's health and self esteem!!!!!

Joe? He's Joe. We aren't hurting each other but, I'm not as invested as I was, either. I respect him and keep to myself as he does, too. 

Natalia? Great, as always!! Beautiful, loving, compassionate and funny!!

Until next time...

Feeling great!

I'm at work! Training a new hire, Tom. Super nice, smart, close to my age and a good sense of humor. Right now, he's in my chair, at my computer, doing my work :D. It doesn't get any better! 

I'm leaving work at 1100 to go to the Joint Forces Training Command Base to pick up race packets for tomorrow!! Excited for this one! It feels good to run these 5ks. I've done 3, so far- 2 with Natalia; 1 by myself with Joe as a spectator. I love the process- picking up packages, registering, preparing , gathering, running and finishing! I could never imagine loving anything more than running. I loved running in my 30s and I love it now. But, CrossFit has taken over! I LOVE IT. The best part of it is the coaches and the other athletes. There's something so special about these people! 

I had my 2nd full session with Chad Melton and I am so glad I made the decision to do the privates and even more happy that I chose Chad! He brought a notebook (one that was his, so cute) with our prior WO with results and the new WO plus homework for the days we aren't together! He gave me a band to work the upper body, as well. I'll give them back after our sessions :(. I don't think he means for me to keep them, lol. But, wow, my mind is beciming stronger and more stable in tandem with the body!!! Thank God!! It's what I had been praying for!!

1 MORE DOWN, 2 TO GO!

I am in the chair at Porter Ranch receiving my third to the last infusion of Herceptin! Dr. Glaspy is pleased with the changes he sees in me as I near the end; I've lost nearly 60 pounds since I first walked in here, I'm active and eating better. He said I looked good and asked how many hours a day I devote to exercise. I told him about Crossfit. He asked if I liked it and was happy that I said I did. 

I started one-on-one coaching sessions with Chad Melton, tonight (it is Tuesday, February 24). I was nervous to begin; afraid I wouldn't be able to do anything asked of me- but, it was a great session and I think Chad is, probably, feeling better about coaching me, too. It's a lot to ask of a young man- to take on the fitness of someone coming out of breast cancer treatment. It's a challenge for the most experienced physical therapist. But, I believe Chad is the right coach for me. I know I'm not the type of person he, normally, trains but I hope he is equally rewarded.

CrossFit 2nd Nature is becoming my salvation. An end to self destruction, fear and self-doubt. Thoughts of box jumps, BURPEES and squat press replace all those dark thoughts of ends and abandonment. The faces and voices of the coaches and athletes linger day after day squeezing out those thoughts that plagued me desperately. I have prayed to God and been answered.

3 more infusions!

Almost to the finish line!! Somewhere in the middle of the year-long ritual it became normal; another part of my new existence. But, sitting in the chair, still, can bring about dark thoughts. I do my best to push them aside but I notice a difference in my outlook on those days. For example, after my last infusion I went to CrossFit but it was difficult to not think of where I was an hour earlier. It's the only time CrossFit had not been able to completely distract me. 

As of yesterday I have lost 60 pounds since hearing the word "cancer"; 50 of them since finishing chemo. I thank God for this. It is imperative that I become lean    If I hope to have a long life. I need to be strong should I need to be independent. I pray before , during, and after every element of exercise. 

Right now I'm sitting in Doctors Express Santa Clarita - bladder issues. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should.

It's busy here today. All I can think of is getting an antibiotic and making a CrossFit class. 

Through CrossFit I conquer fear and stabilize my mind; the self-destruction and dark thoughts vaporize - if only I could be there all day every day.

I've lost my mind...or have I?

I blew up! Not screaming and ranting but very sternly (and perhaps a bit condescendingly ) made OUR points. IPC is being held captive with a gun to our head at the VA Los Angeles; new standards, new programs, no training, no grace period...I get the objective- get rid of the CA position and replace it with automation but that doesn't mean make us bleed while the new systems clunk around and prove to be nothing but SHIT!! We have to do our service to veterans while the powers that be screw around with the mail; dumping it into the "CMP" then claim "we're paperless!" Who cares when the system actually is making it more difficult for claims and mail to be processed correctly!! Oh what a cluster fuck! So, meanwhile , the CA is threatened with job security if he/she can't adapt and make silk out of this deformed, malfunctioning worm!! Representatives of CMP are here to "train" us on the use of CMP and to answer our questions. They couldn't answer mine other than to blame the veteran who submitted a claim - YES, they blamed the vet!, or to give a stock "we are doing what is contractually obligated" I called foul! When it was over I was teased for sounding like a replay of the courtroom scene from "A Few Good Men", I was told I would be hired for litigation, 2 people thought I was mean, I was thanked, and my assistant coach said she thought I was going to go at it and she was going to cover her head and not say a word! I guess the VSO was surprised that I would not take their garbage system and buy into their bullshit excuses for inefficiency. Will I be counseled? Reprimanded? Lose my job? I don't give a guck. I am the veteran that they are overlooking and I will serve myself and my brothers in arms with loyalty, honesty and excellence- if you are falling short of doing the same, at the VA, I will say it is so. 

Jesus

That's the only word that comes to mind, right now. And I don't mean prayer Jesus or thank-God-I caught-the-bus Jesus, but, the "seriously??" Jesus. I'm in oncology waiting for the herceptin infusion; I don't remember the last time I saw my doctor (Glaspy) and 3 weeks ago Dr. Cohen was too busy to see me. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen an oncologist- I don't think that's normal. It pisses me off, actually. I can go to the VA and get shitty treatment- why pay the million dollars? Yes, I sound like I'm getting upset over nothing but, damn it, don't look through me!

The infusion is hung up because I've lost so much weight my dose has to be adjusted. Nurse Colette went to Glaspy to authorize the change and he said he would but went to another patient so "it'll be awhile".  He was just out here talking to a patient and then walked away! It was bullshit talk at that! Little chit chat crap. It was too much to side step, ask me how I'm doing and sign off on the new dose?? Jesus!

I'm not missing my 4:30 CrossFit class!!

Much activity at the VA right now. Who's on first, kind of thing. The new secretary came to visit yesterday..."Bob", he said to call him. Awe, he's so 'earthy', letting the little folk call him by his first name. Same ole shpiel; change is a comin'. I should have stood up and asked "how veteran-centric can we be while working a factory type production system, Bob?" Making "points" and having a mandated number of them (or you lose your job) doesn't put the focus on the vet, I'm just saying!

Dr. Glaspy just stopped by and asked if I'd lost the other 200 pounds I wanted to lose haha. He meant Joe. I told him Joe's been nicer but I can't forget or dismiss how I've been treated during all of this.

I'm still here

I'm sitting in the exam room if Dr. Demanes. He's the radiation oncologist. It's been long enough, since my last visit, that I am struck by old feelings; fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness ... But, it's all different because I'm different. It didn't take long, really, to distance myself from the person I was when I last was here. 

Something similar happened when I got the Saturn out of the shop, after 2 months...I found a CD and didn't recognize who it was so I played it. It was Ed Sheeran. My feelings raced back to when Natalia told me he would be good for me to listen to early in my chemo-and he was. Listening to the music, after 2 months, I realized just how vulnerable, weary and small I felt....how much I curled myself into my daughter and harbored there, in her sweetness. Emotionally, I clung to her. Historically, things become clear- better understood. I couldn't identify my feelings, at the time; I thought I was being strong and independent...but my growth shines a light on that dark time. It was my little girl that was the beacon during the storm.

My road is long as it stretches before me...my challenges are many. I am veiled in shadows but I am trying to break free. Crossfit, running and hiking help. I'll get the rest from UCLA

. I pray each day, for only, one thing; please God do not let them look through me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Depression keeps me from blogging, but,   Crossfit, work, family and Joe are helping me rebound. Writing soon.