BRACHYTHERAPY

 

Wednesday, April 9th, 2014 is the day I have the procedure to insert the device into the cavity of my right breast to radiate. Tomorrow I will have the CT scan and meet with Lelana, the PA. This appointment came about because I called this morning and wanted to know the status of my treatment plan. It's been a week since I was in the office and was told I would be called after the insurance company agreed to pay and after Dr. Demanes consulted with Dr. Schmit about the extra margins. Dr. Demanes wanted to make sure the extra margins were taken as part of Dr. Schmit's routine and not because the standard margins were sent to pathology while I was on the operating room table and as a result of immediate pathology the extra margins were taken. Dr. Schmit took the extra margins because that's what he does. He is an expert in his field and it's his protocol. But, the call didn't come last week. I expected something today but I didn't wait. Around 11:00 a.m. I called the office and the receptionist tried to transfer me to radiology so I could set up my own CT scan. Yes, it seemed weird because I was told the CT scan was actually the beginning of the treatment. But, in the moment I was thinking, well, if I have to take this into my own hands, I shall! I learned, through the receptionist, that the doctors were at a conference in San Diego this week. I definitely felt neglected. When I tried to schedule my own CT scan the woman told me I couldn't do it that way. It is part of the treatment and I can't set it up myself. She said she had a request from the PA for Tuesday, April 8th, but there was no room in the schedule and that she sent an email to the PA asking if we could schedule for the 9th or 10th. I felt that, now familiar, slow crawl of cold fear creeping along my inner core fanning out to my limbs and up my neck to my head where my scalp felt like icy fingers were poking me. The fear that sucked my breath inward surrounds the issue of waiting and delay. I don't know what is happening inside my body and how this effects my survivability. I only know these key words; INVASIVE AND TRAVELLING CANCER. I know that my survivability depends on radiation and chemo. So, discovering that the insurance has approved and the consult with Dr. Schmit is complete and still I was not called - made my stomach flip. That I have an unconfirmed date to start chemo made me extremely nervous and unsure. I asked the woman on the phone, "how is this affecting my health - all this waiting?" She couldn't answer that and told me she would make sure the PA called me to answer those questions. I said to her that I guess I could go back to work, then? I will be at work until someone is ready to contact me and set up my radiation? She couldn't answer that either. I am not getting paid and I, still, have no return to work date to set up paid leave. I called Joe to tell him that I might go back to work until radiation scheduling can be ironed out by the staff. We talked for 2 hours. The conversation rolled around the office visits with Dr. Schmit and Dr. Glaspy and Joe's interpretation of the events. We talked about the office visit with Dr. McCann and Joe's absolute glee that THIS doctor entertained all his questions and had advice and was happy to talk about iodine, hormone therapy and breast cancer treatment. Joe feels the treatment received by Dr. McCann, with him, was perfect and the other two doctors were reading from a script, basically. I explained that, of course, Dr. McCann was eager to discuss iodine and hormone therapy, etc. because that's how he makes a living! That IS his domain and area of expertise. Talking bio-identics with a UCLA surgeon and oncologist is NOT in their domain and, therefore, it reads like a challenge to the medicine they practice and to scientific evidence. Overall, it could have been interpreted that Joe is interfering with cancer treatment and putting my health at risk by suggesting something to be used as treatment that is not scientifically proven. Back and forth we went. I didn't want to get upset and I wanted to let Joe talk. I wanted to hear how he was processing what had happened and what he was thinking. We rehashed what we had hashed out before - a few times, but, there were a couple of things that surfaced; my constant talk of my mother - comparing my cancer to hers, and the fact that she died because of a recurrence - coupled with Dr. Schmit's report that 14% of women will get a recurrence of this breast cancer had scared Joe into action. He was scared. The more I talked about my mother the bigger the fear. He did what he knows to do and that is dig for information. He doesn't want me to walk away from UCLA or the treatment at UCLA. Yes, losing my hair and the harsh effects of chemo scares him, too. He wants to have a plan in place for after Chemo. He wants Dr. McCann to treat what he can while I am in chemo but he wants him ready to treat my general female health after chemo to avoid becoming one in the 14%. Joe is not the guy that will spend an hour hugging me or comforting me and telling me he will be with me every step of the way...I appreciate Joe for taking action in the only way he knows how to but, the comfort and physical contact is so important. If I, ever, am in a position to counsel family of a breast cancer patient I would say, just love her and take the time to tell her that you love her. Put your arms around her. Lay with her and let her cry, stroke her hair and tell her everything is going to be okay. Ask her, everyday, how she is doing. Hug her! Take her for a walk and hold her hand. The intimacy has to be felt. How difficult is it to take the time to be affectionate and loving? How difficult is it to ask her how are you feeling today? The WORST thing a loved one can do is act like the cancer is nothing and that she's "doing fine". Belittling the seriousness of cancer and diminishing the effects on mental stability is a mistake! Do not walk away and bury yourself in the computer and think that translates to comfort.

 

I appreciate all the work that he has done to research breast and thyroid health. I know he has spent sleepless nights pouring over the computer and books. It, just, can't take the place of, or be of as much value as, being loving and nurturing.

 

Shortly after hanging up with Joe, the office of Dr. Demanes called and told me that I am schedule to have the CT scan tomorrow at 10:00 and to meet with the PA for instructions at 11:00. The implant procedure will take place on Wednesday, April 9th.

 

I was very elated to have the dates but as the day wore on my mood dipped. My drop in mood started last night after I had a visit from a co-worker. It was a pleasant visit but I felt extremely sad and moody as the night progressed. I woke up feeling less than gleeful, too. I took Nat to school and went back to bed. I texted a few people at work and that lifted my spirits but by nightfall I was feeling very depleted, emotionally. I don't know, just tired and weary.

 

I have prayed about resolution with a couple of issues that have plagued me continuously. Very personal decisions that I have made over the last six months that I have grappled with since making those decisions. I think I have my answers. I feel it and it has, both, made me feel like a weight has been lifted and sadness. The reality of my actions has broken through the bubble I created to protect me from the reality. And so it goes...

Chemo looming

CHEMO LOOMING

 

 I met with Dr. Glaspy at the Porter Ranch Medical Plaza to learn more about my impending chemotherapy. The office is beautiful and tranquil. The lobby is natural colors with a flat screen on the wall playing scenes of the ocean. The far wall is glass with the appearance of tall blades of grass half-way up. The exam rooms are small but bright; lit by the large, open, windows. After meeting with the doctor he showed me the chemo area and each chair/bed is individualized facing a wall of floor-to-ceiling windows. Wi-Fi provided. The nurses station is behind the chairs. It really is a relaxing and beautiful area. There is a kitchen with tea, coffee, and refreshments that are stocked at all times. I think of how my mom received chemo in NC and I cringe. I imagined I would be in the same kind of room as she was but it is completely different. I'm sure my parents had a hand in this locale. They aren't with me, but, they can guide me to places and people that calm me, almost, with the same result as if they were here, physically. It's not the same, of course, and nothing can replace them but, I am so fortunate to be where I am and getting treatment from the people and places that I do. Thankful.

But, to the appointment...Dr. Glaspy is no nonsense, encouraging, authoritative and emits a sense of trust and calm. When he looked at me with his dead steady gaze and said "you are going to be okay", I believed him. His eyes are blue like my dad's. Joe was in the room with me and once he began interjecting my stomach dropped. He began by telling Dr. Glaspy that we were seeing a holistic doctor in Torrance and that we were in the middle of testing for hormone imbalance. I stopped him and talked about the thyroid treatment I would be getting; changing from synthroid to armor thyroid. That I would be taking vitamins and minerals to boost what is lagging. He said he is okay with all of it. Then Joe started again with the hormone treatment - which I NEVER agreed to while going through chemo - there is hormone treatment while on Herceptin. The doctor told him that he was not okay with me being treated with any hormone treatment at all while on chemo. Then Joe went into iodine. The doctor said "what about it". Joe started talking about treating breast cancer with iodine and talking about doctors that have found iodine helps breast cancer and Dr. Glaspy said there was no scientific evidence, no peer reviewed journal that indicated there were positive results for treating breast cancer with iodine. Joe argued that there was, "there are books and.." the doctor cut him off and said "anyone can write a book but that doesn't make it true". He explained that peer review means that other professionals have examined the evidence, tested the evidence and reported on it. I felt bad for Joe in this moment because he didn't know that or hadn't considered that while doing all of his research. Do I think there is some truth to iodine deficiencies? Yes. Can iodine treat breast cancer? No. I don't believe that and that is why Joe's mad scientist ideology scared me. Was he going to pressure me to leave and take iodine for treatment? I would never do that but, I didn't know how far he would go to apply pressure; would he take me off of his health insurance? Tell me to leave? I didn't know - especially, after the way he reacted in the early days of finding out I had cancer. He chose that moment to tell me he wasn't the guy for me. So, there he was going at Dr. Glaspy for answers or agreement - if Dr. Glaspy doesn't agree than there is going to be harsh words about him the entire time I am in treatment. Dr. Glaspy didn't get flustered and didn't back away from this blasting by Joe. At one point the doctor stopped him and said, rather loudly, "are you planning to treat her breast cancer with iodine?" Joe stammered and started saying something and the doctor stopped him, "It's a yes or no question; are you planning on treating her breast cancer with iodine?". Joe said "yes". The doctor asked "how much?" and Joe told him. He responded "that won't hurt her". He was making a point - don't try to be the doctor you may hurt her and not help her at all! Dr. Glaspy told Joe that if he insisted on estrogen treatment right now that it would, in fact, be terrible for me and my recovery. To end it the doctor said to Joe "you and I don't have to agree on that, let's get back to what we are going to do to treat Heather's cancer". I can't imagine what these doctors must think of Joe's insistent interference. It completely shocked me that he brought up McCann and told him we were going to get hormone treatments! I had, specifically, told Joe we would address hormones later - much later. I can't believe he's still trying to control my health care without me in agreement! I am grateful to have found Dr. McCann and to address my thyroid issues as well as getting me the best vitamins and minerals possible. I thought we were on the same page. How devastating. When we left the office Joe acted like nothing was amiss. He got in the car and said something like "when working for a corporation or large company you can't admit to certain things and you don't know and is calling on his college lessons." OH MY GOD! I stopped him and said "it's not that he doesn't know, he obviously knows! He talked to you about iodine, he told you cancer wasn't isolated to the Western world, he is aware of bio-identics and hormone treatment - he knows! He just isn't convinced there is any merit to any of it because he does know medicine and he does know cancer and he obviously knows much more than what he learned in college". Why was I having this argument?? Really?? I took a deep breath and thanked God for Dr. Glaspy, Dr. Schmit and Dr. Demanes. I breathed deep and took heart in my health care and God. I watched the blue sky as we drove home and thanked God for the beautiful day.

Natalia was called into the counselor's office today and she texted me afterward; "I really needed that with my counselor" I said "GOOD" and she responded "I'm not doing PE. I just don't feel like it today. But its okay. I haven't cried so much in a long time about something really serious". I wanted to cry, too. I know she has been trying to be tough and put my cancer in a box to be opened at a later date. But she's been eating too much junk food, insisting on things that she hasn't eaten in a long, long time, slacking on homework and expressing a dislike for school, coming down with colds frequently and sleeping a lot. I know she was struggling - she still is. She will struggle with this until she is dead. This will, sadly, never leave her memory. I asked her to help me wear scarves and wraps when I lost my hair. I told her that she is so fashionable and creative that I believe she can help me wear scarves in a way that would be pretty and fashionable. She said she would.

I am glad that I can go back to work after radiation treatment. I will be out for two days (Thursday and Friday) every 3 weeks for chemo and the immune booster shot. I will lose my hair 3 weeks after the first dose. The first 4-6 treatments will be the most critical and the toughest on my body. I will have 4 treatments and we will see how my body is tolerating them and then, if I am doing well, we will do 2 more just like it. Herceptin for a solid year. I have prescriptions to fill before I start my first chemo treatment. I can work as long as I can work unless the chemo keeps me from doing so. After the first 6, harder, treatments my hair will grow back. I can do this. I am getting my eliptor on Tuesday so, on the days that I can't jog, I will elipt! Let's get this party started!!

 



Next Stop, Radiation

NEXT STOP, RADIATION #cancer #breastcancer

 

I saw Dr. Schmit on Monday. I was listed as a, sort of, stand-by for 2:00 p.m. but was in before 2. It felt like I was seeing an old friend. I guess that's what happens when you bond over (under) surgery. I put my trust in someone to open up my body, while I am unconscious, and fix/remove what is needed. My last thought before my propafol nap was I trust you - God willing. I believed that Dr. Schmit would not let me - or my family - down. So, he walks into the room and it seemed like I had known him for years. He was very pleasant and familiar. We went over my paperwork and, to me, it seemed he was happy that he could say "the margins are clear, the lymph nodes are clear". I thought, to myself, he's happier than I am. I mentioned the her2 positive and the 2 pre-cancerous carcinomas and asked if I should be jumping for joy. He looked blank, almost. Was he thinking what's wrong with her? He said the important thing is that the margins are clear and the lymph nodes are clear. I told him I still felt like I had a gun to my head and I guess I didn't have to feel like that - he agreed. He removed the steri-tape and immediately I felt the little blisters just as I had after the biopsy. Ouch. But, the incision under my arm pit felt instantly better without the steri-tape. After the visit I asked if I could hug him and he told me not to tightly - thinking about my slightly bruised breast. I thanked him and told him I was glad he was my doctor. He told me it was a pleasure to have me as his patient. The incision is along the nipple in a crescent shape. When it is completely healed the scar will be invisible. I will see him in 6 months.

 

I scheduled the visit with Dr. Schmit because I had an appointment at 3:30 p.m. with Dr. Demanes for radiation. I had thought it was Monday, turns out it was for Tuesday! But, they, kindly scheduled me for Monday at 4:30. I was seen by his PA and the Fellow followed by Dr. Demanes at 6:30. This is a busy man and I don't mind waiting. I know that when it is my turn he will give me due time and be thorough. I saw him, first, before my surgery to discuss options. He mentioned brachytherapy radiation and he walked me through the other options, as well. He hugged me at the end of our fist visit and said I would be all right. Through it all, I would be all right. That was an incredible thing to say and a human gesture that settles deep into the soul of someone who is afraid and unclear. There is nothing that soothes a furrowed brow more than a touch and kind word. These things I will never forget. For this visit he looked at the cavity in the right breast via ultrasound in the exam room and was pleased with what he saw. All the margins he needed were there AND Dr. Schmit left the porch lights on for him (titanium clips to help guide the radiation implant). Dr. Demanes was very happy with the titanium clips and said he was going to have to give Dr. Schmit a gold star! It was very cool to witness such teamwork in my healthcare. I qualify for the less invasive radiation treatment; brachytherapy/SAVI. Someone will notify me when the insurance has approved the procedure and I will, then, return to have a CT scan and prep for the procedure. The radiation will be twice a day - radiating the implant, for five days. Then, on to chemotherapy. I will see Dr. Glaspy in Porter Ranch for the chemotherapy treatment this coming Thursday. I suppose of all the treatments, it is chemo that has me most worried. I worry about the effects on my body, losing my hair and how my changes will affect those around me. I don't want to scare anyone or revolt them. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or to turn away from me. I don't want to be sick. I don't want to be weak. That is why I am going full-steam ahead with bio-identical treatment along with chemo. I want to make the rest of me stronger as chemo takes whatever it has to take away. I want to run everyday - rain or shine, heat or cold. I am determined to out-run my fears and my weak body.

 

I ask my doctors for a note to give the VA in regards to a return date. Dr. Schmit and Dr. Demanes' PA are reluctant to give an end date for treatment because it is not the way things work. The treatments overlap and blend together - it is designed that way to treat the patient in the best possible way. So, to ask one doctor to commit to a return to work date is impossible. It is impossible. But, I may lose my job because I am, as of Monday, AWOL. I have no way to enter leave into the system because I have no leave left. I can request advance sick leave or leave without pay but the system requires an end date. That end date can change and doesn't have to be written in stone but, I haven't seen a note, yet. I called the office of Dr. Demanes and left a message for the PA to send the note with estimated end date of treatment just for radiation to a fax at the VA for the HR. He is waiting for it so he can finish my paperwork, work out leave and hold my job for as long as possible. I don't know what to make of this policy. To think I could lose my job while undergoing cancer treatment makes me sick. It wreaks of impropriety and seems, somehow, illegal. I can't believe that a person, say the director or assistant director, can't override the system and make sure I have a job to come back to. I thought I was doing a great job and that I was liked and valued. I know that Larry in HR and my friend Darlene are working for me and looking out for me to the best of their ability. I am so grateful.

 

Joe and Natalia have been absolutely great! I can't ask for any more. They went with me to church on Sunday and witnessed a very powerful service! They feel the love that I feel and they know how much I have come to love my place among the congregation. Joe gets why I keep going back and why I needed what this group of people offer. For this, I will always be in debt to Darlene.

 

Natalia is home sick again today and I worry that the stress is weakening her immune system. I have noticed little changes in her, when it comes to school and I took action today. After giving my blood for labs ordered by Dr. McCann, I went to Natalia's school. I wanted to talk to her counselor but she was busy. I emailed her later in the day and told her and Natalia's teachers what was going on at home and that I was concerned for Natalia. The counselor called me and agreed that Natalia must be feeling stress and that it is compromising her immune system. The counselor and her teachers are going to look out for her and support her to the best of their ability. I am so thankful and relieved.

 

I went to the Family Christian store and bought a new study Bible for me and a teen girls Bible for Natalia. I want to read the entire Bible in one year. I'm sure this time it will hold new meaning. I have never read the Bible completely, page by page. I look forward to discovering what is written and to learning about myself as I go. I am hoping Natalia will do the same.

 

IF YOU ARE SQUEEMISH OR HAVE PROBLEMS LOOKING AT A NAKED BREAST DO NOT SCROLL ANY FURTHER. I HAVE PICTURES OF THE INCISIONS BELOW.

 

 

DR. DEMANES DR. SCHMIT

I DOWNLOADED THESE IMAGES FROM THE UCLA WEBSITE.

 

 



THE LUMPECTOMY INCISION IS PERFECT AROUND THE NIPPLE AND THE SENTINAL LYMPH NODE INCISION IS MINIMUL AND A PERFECT, SMALL, LINE THAT WILL FADE AND BE BARELY NOTICABLE.

Good news...so why do I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a loaded gun?

GOOD NEWS #breastcancer #cancer

 

Not even, simply, 'good' news but the best news one can hope for; Dr. Schmit called as Joe and I were on our way to Torrance to see Dr. McCann and informed me that my margins were clear and the lymph nodes were clear! He was very pleasant and it seemed he was a bit happy, too, at the news. He explained that the tumor was 1.6 cm and not the .5-6 mm we thought but that he took more margins than is required. He said that the margins were close but his margins were clear - completely. We had talked about this before surgery that his margins were always a little more and I am so happy he does that!! He said he, also, found 2 pre-cancerous ductal carcinomas. See, all the ultrasounds, mammograms, MRI's and they still aren't accurate. Dr. Schmit said this cancer (now defined as invasive ductal mucinous carcinoma) is fairly well behaved and that he is not quite sure why it came back her2. He's running the markers again. He said it's all clear to start radiation and chemo. He told me to see him on Monday before I see Dr. Demanes and to schedule an appointment for medical oncology. I am going to see Dr. Glaspy in Porter Ranch on Thursday. He wished me a good weekend and we hung up. I should be flying high right now, right? But my brain is thinking 'why is it her2'? Can it pop up elsewhere? If there were precancerous tumors undetected maybe the other breast has some too or maybe there are more in this breast?? I'm not 100 percent clear how radiation and chemo works, now, and how does it work to prevent cancer's return - or does it?? I think cancer's return depends more on what Dr. McCann finds. He turned out to be what we were hoping for - a practicing doctor using alternative treatments and testing for women's health. We will learn the true results of thyroid testing (t3 and t4), a complete hormone reading using the saliva testing and blood testing for mineral deficiencies as well as vitamin D - which he said was a result of a hormone deficiency. All the things Joe and I had connected to the body's breakdown as a result of Hashimoto's not being effectively treated is true and this is the doctor we needed to see to determine what needs fixing. I hope he can treat me as I go through radiation and chemo. Joe seemed completely satisfied with this doctor. He talked to him about iodine and hormones and the doctors he's read about. Dr. McCann answered all his questions and then some. We sat in traffic for 2 hours to get home but it was worth the trip.

 

Adam and Steve will go home tomorrow. I knew I couldn't keep them forever and I got to have them for longer than I thought I would be able to but, I sure hate to see them go. I'm so grateful for them and for their time. I am glad for the time they had with Natalia, too. It never seems like its enough.

 

I have a nasty head cold that I have been battling for 2 days now. Joe said its from stress - I'm inclined to believe that's true.

 

Not much pain at the incision sites today. The bruising looks more purplish but the pain is minimal. Ready for round 2.

 



AFTER SURGERY

AFTER SURGERY

 

It is the day after surgery (Lumpectomy with wire localization and Breast Sentinel lymph node) and I am typing on the computer! I feel pretty good. I was feeling good right after surgery. When I woke from anesthesia I was a little tearful and the nurse asked if I wanted company - my church family came first! It was such a sight; one at a time three of my church family came back and with each one the fog lifted a little more. Natalia came in first from family and then Adam and Steve and Joe. Adam went and had prescriptions filled there in the hospital and I was in the car with Steve and Adam on the way home in minutes! I wasn't sick and I wasn't dizzy. The pain wasn't really 'pain' but aching. Not at all what I expected!!

 

 

The day started early - at 0130 Steve called and asked me to open the door. I'm thinking he went to the car and locked himself out. When I opened the door it took a minute to register what I was seeing...it was ADAM! I was so surprised!!! I hugged him and hugged him and hugged them both. Now, I knew I could relax and go into the day with vigor! We stayed up and talked a little bit and I explained what I knew about the cancer thus far.

 

Joe, Natalia and I left for the hospital at 0545 and arrived right at 0700 (as instructed) for intake. Nothing lengthy, I gave the surgical waiting room receptionist my name and BINGO I was checked in. No lengthy paperwork or questioning as I was expecting. We waited about a half-hour and was taken back to another room that was filled with beds, white boards, center counter area, IVs and a lot of movement by people in blue green outfits covered head to toe. I was taken to a little bed and asked a few questions and given a bottle to pee in. I wasn't there long when they asked me to go to the floor to have my pre-surgical mammogram which, in turn, was actually "Image-guided presurgery needle localization". I went into the ultrasound room and a wire was inserted into my breast to the exact area of the tumor and titanium chip. Once it was in place I had the mammogram and was wheeled back up to the busy room on floor 6. Dr. Schmit's associate, Nadia Hassan, came in to talk about the post-op meds and explain what to expect next. She said she would be working with Dr. Schmit in the OR. The doctor that started my IVs came in while Steve and Adam were in the room with me and Joe and Nat had stepped out to look for food. She was young and very sweet and asked if Steve or Adam had a problem with blood and they both said "no". As she worked my IV and had her back to them they made faux fainting gestures. The OR nurse came in (all business but very nice) and discussed her part. Dr. Schmit came in while the boys were in there and I introduced them and Adam stood up to shake his hand and called him 'sir'. Dr. Schmit shook his hand and said 'don't stand up, don't stand up' in a very pleasant voice. He asked what they did for a living and Adam said military and Steve said chef. Dr. Schmit told the story of his brother coming to eat at his house and saying the soup needed more "low notes". He isn't a chef but, rather, a foodie. We chuckled about that. He explained the surgery and removal of lymph nodes and radiation that would follow. Chemo is still on the horizon, as well. when he stepped out Stephen and Adam's expressions were like mine was when I heard all this the first time. It sinks in and makes one feel sick inside and scared. It seems treatment is barbaric and overkill. You want to say "Is this as far as we've come??" Steve said as much. He was disturbed. Adam was disturbed. I understand those thoughts and feelings. As Dr. Schmit was talking - they all came back to me, too. But having Steve and Adam there hearing it with me calmed me. I didn't have that any other time I was on the receiving end of any of the shocking news...I was alone.  

The anesthesiologist, Dr. Jason Hirsh, stepped in and explained his part and asked a few questions. He answered Adam's questions about deep tissue or disk pain in his lower back. I thought it was cool that the doctor had the conversation with him. As they were talking Dr. Schmit came back in and said it was time. They took my purse and clothes and hugged me and I told them it was going to be alright. Dr. Schmit sat in the room with me while Nadia and the anesthesiologist were making their way. We talked about the tumor and how he would extract the margins (I wanted to know if it was ball-like or how they did it). He said it was more of a slicing motion to preserve the density, basically, of the breast. He would inject a fill after he removed the outer margins and it would encourage the natural fill that takes place when a chunk is removed. I asked what he professed at UCLA and he explained that he doesn't do that. He is a professor because he takes the doctors that have been through school and teaches them as part of his practice. He will, on occasion, go to the classroom to talk about breast cancer but otherwise the Professor in his title is about research, OJT and other aspects of his involvement. When Nadia came in we talked about the earthquake we experienced a couple of days ago (epicenter Westwood - right where UCLA and the federal building are). He asked how would I feel if such a thing happened in the OR and I said "I trust your hand will stay steady" and he said "No, I run that's where Nadia takes over". We laughed about that. When the anesthesiologist came back he injected something to relax me and I told Dr. Schmit I would soon stop asking questions and he said "but, mine will begin...where's the gold bullion...I don't know why, I like the word 'bullion'" and that was the last anyone said. The three wheeled my bed into the OR just down the opposite end of the busy room and I was out.

 

I rode home with Steve and Adam - we passed the red carpet being set up at the theater "festival" off of Westwood Blvd. and there was a band playing and premier for "Divergence". They knew who the band was and had walked out there earlier to go to Starbucks. Adam posted a video of them on Facebook. I can't remember the name. If I were working I would have stayed after or gone over at lunch to be a part of it. It's cool that Steve and Adam got to see that. We stopped at the Starbucks on Santa Monica (the one I usually stop at after work) and they went in for me. The drive home was traffic clogged but not too bad once the 101 splits off. I came in and took my vitamins, iodine and iron. I watched Dance Moms with Nat and Joe while Steve and Adam looked for sushi. I took a pain pill (a milder, kinder version of Vicodin) and went to bed. Dr. Schmit will call on Friday with the results of the pathology IRT the outer margins and we'll make an appointment to see him and set up with medical oncology for chemo. Stephen and Adam both like Dr. Schmit and can't imagine anyone getting confrontational with this doctor. He is soft spoken, polite and an expert in this field. One of the most knowledgeable and seniors in UCLA.

 

Before falling asleep I had these thoughts:

 

Prayers from all over the country and Mexico went my way today. In the heart of people is goodness. My chronic cynicism has been proven wrong. Jorge was devastated by my news (I just told him) and was praying and his family in Mexico was praying the way they always do - in the church, on their knees to the Virgin de Guadalupe, a church in Tennessee was praying for me, friends of Melissa in Pittsburgh were praying for me, Jessy, Beth, Chris, were praying. Marsue and Rae wearing socks with a pink ribbon were praying, Joe's mother and sister were praying, people at work are praying and praying hard. Lanre said angels were with me. My church, anointing and praying! Ethel prayed with me the night before surgery, over the phone, and said the angels and God were ready and waiting in the OR for me. Meredith and Joe praying from Florida. Alison, Courtney, Dave Rocheleau praying. Dave Curtis praying from Maryland. My Navy buddies from Augsburg - Praying! My daughter - praying! It was then, that I realized when Jesus died on the cross, was dragged to the tomb, when the stone covered it's opening - the final slam of the tomb ignited, in all of us - every human being dead and alive and not yet living, a light from Heaven. With Jesus' death came the spirit to the soul. I imagine streams of light, like stars from Heaven racing, diving to earth entering our bodies through the crown of our head, curving to our heart and splintering throughout our bodies to the very tips of our being. Within every person on this earth, every person that once was and is deep in the dirt, every person not yet conceived there is this light. It is meant to connect us to the greater power from where it descended. My awareness is acute and I will never look at another or think of another (stranger or family) the same.



TOMORROW THE LUMPECTOMY

 

Surgery is tomorrow. Lumpectomy and Breast Sentinel lymph node. I am nervous but I replay the Sunday service over and over and over in my mind. Natalia and I were anointed, Ethel's mom's powerful words in her testimony and the guest singer moved us both. Ethel gave me her oil so I could anoint myself and pray as often as I need. She is a strong and powerful influence. I am so fortunate to have met her and to be taking my cue from her.

 

Stephen arrived late last night! We hugged and he said "I want to be a better son". I told him how proud I was of him for becoming the man that he is and that it isn't over. Every wrong can be righted. No one walks through life perfect. We are not secluded vessels and mistakes happen. Always live to your own truth and keep it humble. That's the best advice I have for anyone. It's hard living our own truth - very hard at times.

It would be wonderful to have Adam here, too, but I understand he can't make it. I know it bothers him that he can't be here. I want him to know that it's going to be okay and I feel him here with us now. No worries.

 

Steve took me to my appointment at UCLA nuclear imaging. On the way he played the 80s music we listened and danced to (all the time) when he was little. He held my hand and sang along.

 

The crisscross of the buildings and elevators can be confusing and I try not to get angry about it but I keep thinking about my mother and how there was no structure to her health care. We found out what she was supposed to be doing, at each turn, by bumping into it. Show up one day and told to get a test or go to a different floor then back again. Asking a million questions that rarely were answered without several other questions needing answers. It was exhausting. I expected better from UCLA. I don't care if you are taking out the trash I expect it to be done swiftly and professionally. So, when given instructions to have nuclear imaging there should be a map and directions - to include parking. I should have been given the pre-op and op timeline long before I had to ask for it! AND, the correct procedure should have been checked at the top! I remember Cindy saying the first day I saw Dr. Schmit, "I will be in contact with you and guide you every step of the way" oh- unless you aren't there. She is the only one that can take care of Dr. Schmit's business so, if she's sick guess what? The business doesn't get done. I don't want to feel like I'm being flung about willy-nilly like my mother was in bum-fuck NC.

 

The procedure was two-fold; I received an injection from Dr. Schiepers, MD, Ph.D. professor(expertly done with a little history thrown in) and then waited 2 hours before the imaging. Steve and I walked around Westwood and ate at the "Mr. Noodle". We had steamed won-ton and I ate garlic shrimp and green tea. Steve had something completely different. I don't know what it was. We walked back and I went in for imaging. It wasn't what Marsue prepared me for. She had called while we were at lunch and told me she and Rae were wearing their breast cancer socks tomorrow to show sister solidarity! Very nice! She explained what her nuclear imaging was like for her heart and it's nothing like what I experienced. I don't know if I want to tell her - it will just remind her that she is getting sub-standard care where she is living! The room I went into was low-lit and quiet the bed was comfortable and the imaging did not make a sound. The bed was raised to meet the square, flat imaging bed and It took 10 minutes; 5 for one angle and 5 for the other. Not a single noise or light from anywhere to indicate picture was being taken! The technician, then, marked the closest lymph node, on my body, with an 'X' using indelible marker. That was it and I was done.

 

Am I nervous about tomorrow? A little bit, but, the words spoken at church, the prayers and the voices of my loved ones (alive and dead) are loud and plenty keeping those fears at bay. Friends - new and old comfort me now. Dave, a friend from Northwest, surprised me with a call today. Said the news had shocked him in a way that he couldn't call me until now. I see that happening with people and I respect that. If it meant nothing than I would mean nothing. I am not meaningless.

 

 

 

 



Surgery

SURGERY

 

     Yesterday was my last day of work for awhile. I went into work like I do any other day but with different objectives; I have to clear up any lingering work at my desk. I was able to do most of that except for 2 items; a search for a veteran's mail that is currently at a brokered site and research on another veteran's claim for compensation received for wrong contention. I'm sure they will both be taken care of. What stupefied me is that new tasks were given even towards the end of my day. I received an email that I was given access as 'timekeeper'. Are you serious?? I could only laugh. No one was given my tasks, specifically. Darlene will be asked to do most of it and I am sorry to her! So much to do and not enough people to do it. Otherwise it was quiet. A coworker, Scott, brought me a book, The Case For Christ, by Lee Strobel. I look forward to reading it! That was a very nice and welcome gesture. Coworkers like Scott have made going to work a pleasure.

I told Sandria and Desiree (my hearing impaired coworkers) and they were devastated and tearful...I knew it would be that way. They are loving and sensitive and the news is hard to take in. I hugged them both and told them I was going to be okay and that I would be back soon. That seemed to cheer them up a bit.

I hung up a "Gone Wandering" sign on my computer and shut it down. As I picked up my things and looked around Scott hugged me and wished me luck...it looked like he was going to cry so I told him "don't cry for me". I hugged Leroy and told everyone good-bye. I shut the door to IPC and I had to hurry out. I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness. Down the elevator and to the car, the bright, sunny, warm day was of little comfort. I stopped at Starbucks on Santa Monica before getting on the 405. This would be my last time here for awhile, too. I wanted to cry all the way home but only cried a little. I listened to Ethel's CD and did my best to take comfort in it's words.

I wasn't sure how Joe was feeling today after he called me disrespectful for taking out the bathroom trash that he had told Natalia to take out. It was pretty ugly. She fell asleep and the trash was still in the bathroom when Joe came down the steps and said "Will you go up and help Natalia with the trash!" I got up and said "Sure!" - trying to be pleasant instead of showing how stupid it was that he just passed the bathroom and came down the steps to tell me to go up and get the trash. I bagged it and took it out. When I was heading back up the stairs he said I disrespected him by doing that as I was supposed to "help" her and not do it myself. "Don't you EVER disrespect me like that..." was all I could make out of what he was rambling. In my mind I'm in disbelief. How can someone be so clueless and insensitive??

Darlene came over with Ariel and stayed for a while but shortly after Joe and Natalia arrived home from Kinko's, they left. Joe asked Ariel if she wanted anything from the kitchen and said "from what Heather tells me, Darlene, you'll help yourself if you want anything" fake laugh. I was so embarrassed and had no idea what he meant by that. Darlene just looked at me but I'm not sure what she was thinking. He was very nice to Ariel and hugged for luck on her mararun today. He is good with kids and I've told him many times to volunteer at the Boys & Girls club. He won't.

It was a great feeling to have Darlene and her daughter over. I was tired when they left but continued working on Nat's dress for her competition today. I haven't done any costuming for her since her last show in North Hollywood. I'm thinking that I should sew while I'm at home - sew and read. Two things that keep my mind busy.

Today I am moody. My brain, in automatic, thinks about everything I need to get done before going back to work Monday and then the brain fires reality; no work on Monday. It's a sick feeling.

Steve is coming tomorrow night and I am so relieved! For him as much for me. He will be able to see that I am still me and not much has changed. I am in no pain and I move around normally. I want that to sooth his fears. He will go with me to my Monday, pre-surgical, preparations at Nuclear Imaging. My lymph nodes will 'light up' for surgery.

I have a timeline for my procedure on Monday; SCREECH

I just went to get my surgical orders and saw they had the box checked next to "biopsy" and not "lumpectomy"!!  My heart rate just shot up 4000 beats per second! I called the number to the office and the recording gave me a number to a pager system. Dr Mearer returned the call and confirmed the surgery was a lumpectomy and he explained that they place a wire around the tumor and remove the tissue within the wire and send to pathology to test the outer margins to see if the cancer is present there. The lymph nodes will be checked and reported right away.

Then Joe started talking about Ductal Carcinoma In Situ being different than her2 and that they aren't related. So I just Googled both and found that DCIS is non-invasive and easily remedied unless it becomes Invasive! Joe went and got the paperwork and I read it over - I have INVASIVE! Oh, my God! My markers were estrogen 90% and progesterone 30% with the her2 maker still out. But I remember Dr. Schmit telling me that the her2 marker was positive when I talked to him about the MRI/diagnostic Mammo/ultrasound. So, I was thinking this could be gotten under control easily and now I have to rethink everything!! Joe is standing behind me talking about the girl in McCann's office knowing more than Dr. Schmit and how she feels that surgery is the very last option blah, blah, blah, and I ask him "Are they talking about breast cancer", "is she a receptionist or a nurse", "how many cases have they cured of cancer?" - "uh, I don't know, I assume she's a nurse, she knows all the lingo". This is what I hear from the person that wants me to walk away from medical cancer treatment at UCLA. I don't even know if I can have the radiation I talked to Dr. Demanes about! We were going to do the implant but if I am her2 positive with invasive ductal carcinoma then I don't think I qualify!! OH MY GOD - I can't take any more! The her2 is also linked to the DNA - genetics! JESUS help me now! Natalia is away at her competition and I can't hug her right now...I didn't go to Burbank because of my sore throat and I am trying not to get any sicker before surgery. I just feel overwhelmed all over again.


A TURNING TIDE OF HOPE

 

 

Thursday, March 6, 2014 the wind changed direction. Wednesday night I was exhausted from going to work, appointments and anxiety. I was not in the frame of mind to say "I give up" but, rather, "I need to retreat". I went to bed around 6:30 P.M. , called work and left a message that I was not going to be in on Thursday. At the time I felt like I wouldn't be in Friday, either. Maybe not Monday or Tuesday, as well. I put a log in the fireplace and stepped over all the dead piles of bees in the bedroom - I was disturbed that they were dead, not that they were there. I opened the balcony door and let the cool air in. I sent Joe a text that I was going to bed and not to work for a couple days. My exact text was, "Im going to bed. Don't know if I will go to work tomorrow or Friday. I am tired and feeling particularly bad right now". Joe, "okay". Icing on the cake. A friend from work called and wanted to know why I was going to bed so early and I started to cry. I didn't want to cry, but I did. I felt stupid for dumping such emotion. We talked for a minute and I ended the conversation and went to sleep. Restless with nightmares my Thursday morning was as bleak as every other day. I took Natalia to school (a pleasure I haven't been able to do in months!) and came home. I sat on the couch and had an overwhelming sense to clean out my purse and do the dishes. I cleaned my purse first and cried. I dropped something or put something in a wrong pile and I immediately felt like it had to be right. I couldn't leave the paper on the floor until I was done - I had an annoying feeling that it just wasn't right to leave it. In the front pocket I found the WWII MARKSMAN'S MEDAL OF MY DAD'S. I removed it from the plastic Ziploc baggie and let the pins on the back (without frogs) pierce my fingers. I squeezed it tight and cried to him that I was so sorry if he felt meaningless at the time of his death. If he felt no one loved him or cared about him - especially, me. I told my mom I was sorry, I know, now, what she needed most was to know that I loved her and I didn't want to be anywhere else but there with her. I wanted her to know she was meaningful and that I was sorry if she felt she wasn't. I cried so hard I choked and nearly vomited. I prayed God would forgive me and would comfort me. My mother's face was sadness before me. She was sad that I was going through what she went through. It unnerved her. My father let a tear fall down his cheek and said they were there with me and would be there as long as I needed. God wrapped me in a blanket and dried my tears. I read daily devotionals given to me by Ethel, a wonderful woman at church who is nearing the end of her breast cancer treatment. I prayed for her and Laverne (another sweet woman at church who is a breast cancer survivor). I prayed for all of us and for those that hurt because of my cancer. Minutes - hours...I don't know how much time passed but my body was ready to move. I put my father's medal in a jewelry box and back into the pocket of my purse. I started moving. I washed the dishes and vacuumed the floors, wiped the tables and put things away. When I was done I went to Hart Park and walked up the nature trail to Hart Mansion. Along the way there was the graveyard for William S. Hart's two beloved dogs and lots of signs to beware of rattlesnakes. The mansion tour was a group of 2; me and the tour guide. A beautiful ranch home on acres and acres of property. Lovely. My tour guide told me to take the paved path down and I could see the Bison that are descendants of the originals gifted to Hart by Walt Disney. I crawled down the dirt hill along the fence and was 2 feet from a group of 10 or 12. They didn't blink or acknowledge I was there but, I was there, staring at Bison 2 feet away! One in the back of the group moved slightly and the rest lurched forward toward the fence where I crouched. It didn't scare me and I didn't run. The dirt cloud and heavy pounding on the ground, shuffle of bison, snorts, etc. made sense. In that moment the Bison made sense when nothing else did. After a time I continued down the path and visited a few other animals. There was cow, leaning against her shelter with large growths over her body. Her eyes would close for a few seconds and then she would shift and open them. I felt an overwhelming desire to hug her - the fence between us made that impossible but, I tell myself she would have been grateful.

 

When I returned home the house was not a dark cave isolated from civilization but, a really nice place full of light and air. Shortly after, Dr. Schmit called and asked how I was. He chuckled when I said "up and down"...not sure why but, oh well. He told me that the rest of the biopsy results were in as well as all the imaging I had done during the week and he said "I'm going to have to side with your significant other on this, right now". What??? I bit my tongue unintentionally and said "why?". He said the results show the tumor is localized and the lumpectomy with radiation and chemo would be an effective treatment. I was stunned! Happy and stunned!! The left breast has absolutely nothing going on. It is perfectly healthy with no cysts, calcifications, shifting tissue - nothing! He went on to say with the test results it would be a slim chance it was hereditary but there were concerns with my age and the unknown family history of my mother that if I wanted to be cautionary, I should still have it done. Cindy scheduled my appointment. I have some family member that are adamant that I should not have this test. They are loud and uncompromising and gossiping unkindly. Negative and blasting, "Only Jewish people carry that mutated gene", "Mom had the blood test it was negative", "yours is in the opposite breast", "she was in her late 60's" and other equally ignorant remarks. With support like that who needs Norman Bates. Yes, please, stab me some more. Well, as I ponder over the intense disgust they feel concerning my decision to have the genetic testing I have been told it is because I am meaningless and insignificant in their lives. They do not care enough about me to care if this unnecessary ridiculousness creates distress - in fact, they are hoping that it does. What does that tell you? Right now, what does that say?? I know what it says. The comments and angry discussion and crazy gossiping only made me question motive. It didn't bother me or distress me - I am fighting for my life and that shit is not going to persuade any decision I make except the only decision relative - stop giving them updates. They don't care! Can you imagine?! I can't imagine telling my mother that any test or treatment was stupid and unnecessary. I loved her too much. I would never challenge a decision made by a sister when she was battling cancer. It is invasive and down-right evil! Sharks circling the body struggling to stay afloat are not there to support they are there to eat! No thanks.

 

I came to terms with my desperation. Church and family (other than the Bates') have been so prevalent and loving that I have been able to calm the feelings of the extreme need to be hugged, coddled, nurtured and cared about by the empty faces of people. Friday, I went to work. I felt better than I had since feeling the crush of the cancer wrecking ball. My friend (that called Thursday night) called me in the afternoon and hesitantly asked how I was doing. I said, pretty good, really. I am at work. "Really?? You came to work?" The relief was palpable.

 

When I picked up Nat she suggested City Walk. We went and walked around, played arcade games and I recorded in a karaoke booth (bucket list!). It was empty and rather boring but we enjoyed ourselves, anyway.

 

No log on the fire....sleep came easily.
 

 



BREAST CANCER TELLING FAMILY AND CO-WORKERS

 

I called my sons from the hallway near the stairwell. Stephen's voicemail picked up and I left a message for him to call me. Adam answered the way he always does "Hey mom! How's it going?" - happy, centered. I was about to break his spirit...I closed my eyes and as tears rolled down my face I told him I have breast cancer. He was silent. "Adam, are you still there?" "Yea" loud, injured. "Are you okay?". "Yea", loud, injured. I told him I would call him later once I was home. "Yea"... Stephen returned my call with his usual, sweet "Hi, Mom". I asked if he was driving and if so to pull over. I was going to hurt him and It was killing me. Steve started crying and asking questions and telling me he loved me and he would try and get out here as soon as he could. I asked him to call Adam and, at some point, to call Natalia. I'm not sure if I had feeling in my arms and legs at this point but I was cold and sweating. I tried to focus on work but my thoughts were whirling; I didn't feel like running, necessarily, but I felt like I should be someplace else. I didn't know where, though. I started telling people at work that needed to know, such as my coaches, and those that I interact with daily; my routine was going to be different, I was going to look different and I would be missing work. Those that I told were, sincerely, concerned and saddened by the news. My closest friend has reacted oddly and pulled away.

When I came home Joe and Nat were home and I told Natalia that it was cancer. She didn't really react but asked what they were going to do. I told her I wasn't sure yet. She hugged me and said it was all going to be okay.

Joe left the house. Just packed up his work gear and out the door. This pattern continued everyday until he left for Australia.

My anxiety was at a level I had never experienced. I was exhausted but I couldn't close my eyes. Internally, I shook. My mind was in a state of extreme darkness. I was so afraid, at times, I couldn't move.

When Joe made it home that night or late the next night I asked what was going on and was he avoiding me? He said "That's a rude thing to say" and led me to the office to show me all his handy work for work. I told him that was great but I needed him right now. He said he was researching online and gathering information. I told him I needed HIM to love me and care about me. He immediately bristled and said he was so busy getting these manuals ready for his trip that he, basically, didn't have time. I asked he if could comprehend what I was going through and how scared I was. He felt like I was attacking him. I told him he was all I had here. My family is on the east coast and Natalia is too young. I have not developed the kinds of friendships that I had in the Navy - we gathered around one another and fought every fight. He said he realized that but he isn't that kind of guy. I told him, crying, that I needed that guy right now. He said then "I guess I'm not the guy for you". "No, you're not!" I said. I left the room and went to the spare bedroom. I felt crazy. Desperate for affection and love and to feel like I was not meaningless. That desperation led my thoughts into dangerous places. I looked at every face at work and wondered if there was compassion in there. Each day I felt like I was begging for someone to care - to notice that I was not alright.

At the doctor appointment, Joe was late. Dr. Schmit began the reading of results. He was sitting in a chair near mine but just up a bit so I couldn't see all of his face just half of it. He told me my markers were +3 cancer; progesterone, estrogen (or something like that). He divided the paper in half and told me the treatment on the left would determine survivability while the treatment on the right is to remove the tumor. Surgery, radiation and chemotherapy. The last part of the biopsy was not in but because of the preliminary results he assumed it would be her2 and chemo would be Herceptin. I was listening but went cold. I started breathing shallow and my heartbeat was gone. The buzzing in my ears started and I could swear I was dead I just hadn't fallen off my chair. I remember getting up on the table and the doctor examining my breast and surrounding area should I opt for the mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. I thought of myself as a piece of machinery that had a broken part and would be going in for repair. But the words swirled above me in a helix and never settle into my brain. Joe arrived and started challenging the doctor about what cancer was it and how did it get there and, in general, being extremely confrontational. The doctor bit back and every few seconds would look at me. I closed my eyes and let the drum beat between my eyes drown them out. The doctor excused himself and I laid back on the table and covered my eyes. I don't remember what we said to one another except that I wanted to get a double mastectomy and genetic testing, as suggested by the doctor (just the testing). The doctor understood my fears and would do whatever procedure I wanted. Joe told him he was being too drastic and he couldn't support it. When the doctor came back in he apologized to me for the conversation getting heated. I shrugged and said "it's not your fault". He suggested to both of us that I get an MRI to satisfy our minds about any concerns. Joe agreed and it made me more nervous! I had to wait more time with cancer in my body!!! Setting up the MRI was a challenge as the team of technicians were going on strike the following week and scheduling would be difficult. We left and walked to the garage to our respective cars. I sort of dragged my feet with slumped shoulder and wide eyes that needed sleep (at least that's how I felt I looked). At my car Joe asked if I was mad at him and I said "no". He hugged me and said "it's going to be okay". I wasn't sure I believed him.

The next morning while I was getting ready for work Joe was looking at his phone and said "these doctors are baaaad people" I asked what doctors and he started bashing Dr. Schmidt with words like "he's just a technician" and "they just want to cut off body parts for money" and "barbaric". I just felt like I had been punched in the stomach and I stared at him inches away from shoving his Galaxy 5S hard into his stupid face. Instead I walked out and down the steps. I can't explain how unsettling those words were to me. And, they continued. Day in and day out, on the phone and in person until he left. I hated leaving work and going home. The drive was unbearable. The closer to home the more I cried.

My salvation was church. Darlene's church was, truly, heavenly sent. I was accepted and anointed my first Sunday. I was hugged and loved without reservation. I was included. I was supported. I was understood. The collective arms around me made me cry. I wasn't alone, after all. I carried the words of that first service with me all week. I let them circle and fall to my mind, my heart and my limbs. During group prayer I felt a sensation of my right breast being enveloped and charged. It ended as quickly as it began but it was there. I have returned each Sunday and the love is stronger each service. The sense of a spiritual family is forming. It is strong and it is loving.

On the day of the MRI Joe went with me. I was quiet most of the way and he prattled on about work and chores, etc. But, he did catch himself a few times and stopped. He said, at one point, "here I am going on and on...". It was raining heavily - as it had been for a few days. He dropped me at the door (turns out it was the wrong one and I got soaked getting to the right one) and parked the car. He texted that he was getting something to eat and would be in soon. I didn't care, really. They called me back (I was at the Kormen Women's Imaging Center - very spa like - in Santa Monica) and showed me the room. I hadn't taken my valium and was worried I would not be able to go through it. But, I did. It was open and shallow. I had to lay face down with each breast in a box, The motion in to get me in the right place cause vertigo and I had to come back out. We tried again and I focused on a line on the machine and was fine. The entire MRI was about 20 minutes. When I went out Joe was there. He asked if I wanted to do anything and I mentioned the Pier and the beach. I could see he wasn't happy about that, it was cold and raining. But, he took me. We walked along the pier and he held my hand. We took a couple selfies and walked back to the car. We went towards home and stopped at Denny's for eggs. He was very pleasant and when I reached for his hands at the Denny's table he took mine willingly. When we got home he packed the car and I walked him out with the umbrella. I hugged him and cried. He didn't try to wiggle away or tell me to stop. I watched him pull out and I cried, standing in the rain under my umbrella that blew away later that night.



BREAST CANCER, NOW WHAT?

I was diagnosed 3 weeks ago and was completely shocked! My journey since has been horrendous - primarily, because my mental well being has been challenged by this new discovery.

I went to the VA (where I always go) to get my regular, annual mammogram - no big deal. A few days later the Women's Care Doctor (my regular provider was out with injury) called my cell phone, while I was at work, and laid it on me, "There is something suspicious on your mammogram". I was surprised but not overly concerned and I listened as she went on to detail a 3mm size lump and a 5mm area of dense tissue; "could be a lesion". She, then, went on to tell me they would set me up for another mammogram and ultrasound at the West LA facility. I was just beginning to feel a little nervous. My nerves didn't really kick in until I didn't hear back from the VA with the appointment time that day or the next.

I shared my concerns with Marilyn (a lovely 30-year volunteer originally from England) and she suggested that I go to another doctor, if I am able (insurance), and pursue the VA exams, as well.

I called UCLA and was given an appointment for Monday (it was a Thursday afternoon) and was asked to bring the report and images from the VA mammogram. I then called the VA Women's Clinic, Sepulveda, to let them know I had not received an appointment. The receptionist told me it was up to me to schedule them. What?? She gave me the number that led me to an answering machine that told me to leave my name and number. A week later, dinner time, I got a phone call asking what I needed. What??

I met Dr. Schmit at the Revlon Breast Cancer Center at UCLA on Monday afternoon (walking from work) and we looked at the CD of images and he examined my breast and said, "Let's get this taken care of right now and find out what's going on". He didn't seem concerned and, therefore, I relaxed. I had to go into the radiology area alone and changed into a gown that was just not big enough! Joe was in the waiting room but had to leave to get Natalia from school. I went in for my 3D imaging and then waited. I watched women, of all ages, sizes and shapes, come in and go out. I grew cold and nervous. Eventually, a woman came out and said I was being set up for an "ultrasound". What?? Why? An area of concern was revealed on the 3D imaging that was not found on the VA mammogram. I waited and the sun went down. The ultrasound room was just like the one they use to scan a pregnant woman. This wasn't the same feeling, though. They turned out the lights and began taking pictures. The radiology doctor came in and looked at the images being taken and told me he would be back after comparing and viewing in greater detail. I was thinking, really?? I told myself it was probably shifting breast tissue and cysts, etc., by all the women I told about my suspicious mammogram. All the women had stories of lumps and bumps and it was nothing, "You'll be fine! It's nothing, they just need to be cautious". Then the doctor returned with "I would like to do a biopsy" and I said "because it might be cancer??" and he nodded slightly with a tight lip and said, "yes". I walked back to my car from 200 Medical Center Drive to the Federal Building completely chilled. I stopped in a small shop along Westwood Blvd and bought a light sweater and then at Starbucks for a warm Café Mocha. The walk seemed long - very long and I was alone. This is the beginning of the most extreme loneliness I have ever felt.

I had the biopsy a few days later. Joe (my other) and Natalia went with me. My sister, Marsue, said "plan something enjoyable for after your biopsy so it gives you something to look forward to" - so I did. After the painless core needle biopsy with ultrasound (I am impressed by the skill and efficiency of the procedure by the doctor) I was sent on my way with an icepack. I was telling myself it would be okay. Joe was too busy talking about his cold that he felt coming on and the traffic we had to go through to get home. I read pamphlets, while waiting for the ultrasound, that 70% of this and that are nothing and that most patients getting a biopsy result in a benign this and that but that wasn't comforting me. But, I wasn't full-blown panicked, yet. Natalia asked where I wanted to go. I said Brentwood to the farmer's market for lunch. Joe said "well, of course, you want to go and have lunch you're not driving. I forget that people don't pay attention to the traffic when they're not driving". I said nothing - Natalia said nothing. At the last minute before the on ramp to the 405 he veered off and headed into Brentwood. We had a wonderful lunch at one of mine and Natalia's favorite finds since moving here! Oh, yes, I PAID!

When the results (partial) were in to Dr. Schmit he called me. He asked if it was okay to talk over the phone and he said "the tumor is cancer". He continued on with options for surgery and treatment plans and mentioned "Herceptin" and other very familiar words from taking care of my mother as she died from breast cancer in 2002. I began hearing a loud buzz in my ears and my legs became heavy. I heard my breathing inside of my head and glass shattering inside my arms and legs. I was hot and sweating profusely as I sat inside the, normally, cool stairwell. He told me Cindy would set up an appointment for a few days out and we would discuss a plan and the 3 markers would be back by then (the rest of the biopsy). I called Joe and told him it was cancer. He started yelling into the phone "HELLO, HELLO" like he couldn't hear me. He said something like "it is, really?" and said he'd see me later. What the fuck??

I went back into the room I work in at the VA and Darlene was sitting in a chair next to mine - she is a new NPWE for the VA and wasn't supposed to be in this building but, rather, the medical side (her expertise is there) but God put her next to me. She asked "everything okay?" and trembling I said, "no". She took me outside and we walked and she told me it would be okay. We prayed and talked outside. I don't remember most of what we said except that she said a prayer and she was exactly what I needed at that moment. She gave me the address for her church and told me that there were 2 breast cancer survivors that she would hook me up with as well as put me on the prayer list. I had drifted from my, once, strong spiritual connection since moving to California. I believe that the anger and frustration with my living situation with Joe has clogged my heart and my ability to receive the positive energy that I once had. But, now I am fighting to reclaim my state - not just with God but with my Chakra's, AA, mental health - all of it!

I am exhausted just reliving this much of my journey thus far!

To be continued...