I've lost my mind...or have I?

I blew up! Not screaming and ranting but very sternly (and perhaps a bit condescendingly ) made OUR points. IPC is being held captive with a gun to our head at the VA Los Angeles; new standards, new programs, no training, no grace period...I get the objective- get rid of the CA position and replace it with automation but that doesn't mean make us bleed while the new systems clunk around and prove to be nothing but SHIT!! We have to do our service to veterans while the powers that be screw around with the mail; dumping it into the "CMP" then claim "we're paperless!" Who cares when the system actually is making it more difficult for claims and mail to be processed correctly!! Oh what a cluster fuck! So, meanwhile , the CA is threatened with job security if he/she can't adapt and make silk out of this deformed, malfunctioning worm!! Representatives of CMP are here to "train" us on the use of CMP and to answer our questions. They couldn't answer mine other than to blame the veteran who submitted a claim - YES, they blamed the vet!, or to give a stock "we are doing what is contractually obligated" I called foul! When it was over I was teased for sounding like a replay of the courtroom scene from "A Few Good Men", I was told I would be hired for litigation, 2 people thought I was mean, I was thanked, and my assistant coach said she thought I was going to go at it and she was going to cover her head and not say a word! I guess the VSO was surprised that I would not take their garbage system and buy into their bullshit excuses for inefficiency. Will I be counseled? Reprimanded? Lose my job? I don't give a guck. I am the veteran that they are overlooking and I will serve myself and my brothers in arms with loyalty, honesty and excellence- if you are falling short of doing the same, at the VA, I will say it is so. 

Jesus

That's the only word that comes to mind, right now. And I don't mean prayer Jesus or thank-God-I caught-the-bus Jesus, but, the "seriously??" Jesus. I'm in oncology waiting for the herceptin infusion; I don't remember the last time I saw my doctor (Glaspy) and 3 weeks ago Dr. Cohen was too busy to see me. It's been 6 weeks since I've seen an oncologist- I don't think that's normal. It pisses me off, actually. I can go to the VA and get shitty treatment- why pay the million dollars? Yes, I sound like I'm getting upset over nothing but, damn it, don't look through me!

The infusion is hung up because I've lost so much weight my dose has to be adjusted. Nurse Colette went to Glaspy to authorize the change and he said he would but went to another patient so "it'll be awhile".  He was just out here talking to a patient and then walked away! It was bullshit talk at that! Little chit chat crap. It was too much to side step, ask me how I'm doing and sign off on the new dose?? Jesus!

I'm not missing my 4:30 CrossFit class!!

Much activity at the VA right now. Who's on first, kind of thing. The new secretary came to visit yesterday..."Bob", he said to call him. Awe, he's so 'earthy', letting the little folk call him by his first name. Same ole shpiel; change is a comin'. I should have stood up and asked "how veteran-centric can we be while working a factory type production system, Bob?" Making "points" and having a mandated number of them (or you lose your job) doesn't put the focus on the vet, I'm just saying!

Dr. Glaspy just stopped by and asked if I'd lost the other 200 pounds I wanted to lose haha. He meant Joe. I told him Joe's been nicer but I can't forget or dismiss how I've been treated during all of this.

I'm still here

I'm sitting in the exam room if Dr. Demanes. He's the radiation oncologist. It's been long enough, since my last visit, that I am struck by old feelings; fear, anxiety, sadness, loneliness ... But, it's all different because I'm different. It didn't take long, really, to distance myself from the person I was when I last was here. 

Something similar happened when I got the Saturn out of the shop, after 2 months...I found a CD and didn't recognize who it was so I played it. It was Ed Sheeran. My feelings raced back to when Natalia told me he would be good for me to listen to early in my chemo-and he was. Listening to the music, after 2 months, I realized just how vulnerable, weary and small I felt....how much I curled myself into my daughter and harbored there, in her sweetness. Emotionally, I clung to her. Historically, things become clear- better understood. I couldn't identify my feelings, at the time; I thought I was being strong and independent...but my growth shines a light on that dark time. It was my little girl that was the beacon during the storm.

My road is long as it stretches before me...my challenges are many. I am veiled in shadows but I am trying to break free. Crossfit, running and hiking help. I'll get the rest from UCLA

. I pray each day, for only, one thing; please God do not let them look through me.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Depression keeps me from blogging, but,   Crossfit, work, family and Joe are helping me rebound. Writing soon.

Embarrassing? Yes!

I saw the GYN doctor today- not the one I was scheduled to see (that was cancelled by UCLA) and after getting a bit pissed off took the appointment to see Dr. Steven Yu in Santa Monica. I was agitated, from the 2 hour road trip in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when I arrived but, really, became heated when the woman in front of me took my appointment because she was a half-hour late! I made my appointment on time, through hellacious traffic and I want my appointment, as scheduled, I told the desk jockey! She looked at her computer and said "oh, you're next" and walked away. When the nurse told me my blood pressure was 110/70 I told her I was surprised since I was so angry and I told her why. She hustled me to another nurse and, then, into the doctors office. I sat across the desk from him as he asked about my situation with breast cancer treatment. He understood everything and what he needs to do to watch for potential side-effects of tamoxefin. Then, I told him about my destructive behavior. I started crying and told him that the cancer  made me desperate and scared; the things I do put me in danger but i do it because of the emptiness and intense loneliness- abandonment I feel from Joe. The doctor was very nice and he expressed his concern. We went to an exam room and he did the Pap smear and general exam. We went back into the office and he asked a few more questions about my self-destruction. He seemed disturbed by what I told him; the catalyst and actions. And by disturbed I mean he didn't like the way I have been neglected and the state of mind that has put me in. He gave me the name and number of a woman doctor he wants me to see. He told me to call her soon so she can be my ground zero. He told me she would set me up with a psychologist as well as other resources. He came around the desk and took my hand in both of his and said if there was anything I needed, to call him. I left feeling like a huge burden had been lifted. I drove to Porter Ranch in time for my echocardiogram. I called the referred doctor and am waiting for an appointment to be scheduled. Something is changing inside of me. I feel it even though I can't articulate it. The last few weeks have been draining, mentally, and I'm exhausted. 

Natalia went hiking with me after I picked her up from school. I needed it- she did too. 

School is looming-should I resume?

My FMLA runs out in a couple weeks and I may be housebound for the next 5 months. That might be a very good thing all things considered. But, it will be tough paying the bills. 

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THE INSIDE OF MY PURSE LOOKS....

SCRAMBLED

 

      I expected to be, rather, clear-headed by now. I remember thinking about the changes I was about to go through as I entered into cancer treatment. I felt, at the time, that I would experience a life-changing journey. I predicted that I would find myself and strengthen my connection to God - perhaps, find Him on a different channel than ever before. I don't know what changes I've undertaken at this point. But, I looked at the chaos in my purse as I dug for something I couldn't find (I never can in this bag) and felt a kinship. I said to myself, I never find anything in here - I should organize, again. Then, I realized that the contents of my bag are a mirror image of the contents of my brain. I, actually, had an organized purse for, about, a month and I wasn't comfortable with it so, I came back to this one. That's my mind and thoughts - tossed pieces of life; torn pieces of paper, partial packs of gum, pictures, mementos, notebook but no pen, loose change, keys, tissue, and lip balm. All symbolize something in my life bouncing around my brain. I'm unsettled and I don't like the feeling. I don't have direction and I'm not sure about anything. I want to leave my job and, yet, I put in for a promotional job change. I want to move, yet, I'm bringing more of myself into this house. I feel like there is no future with Joe, yet, I work overtime to love him. I don't care if my friends at work give me the time of day, yet, I reach out to them whenever I am there. I want to get my master's and move on but, I'm, seriously, thinking about withdrawing completely. I am SCRAMBLED!!

 

     On to  other news; Natalia and I ran the Turkey Trot in LA on Thanksgiving morning. We, almost, didn't make it. I had to shake Natalia awake and she was slow getting moving. I went to the car and waited. As time ticked I got pissed off. I texted her and then, called her to hurry up. After a few minutes I went into full blown rage. I called her and screamed over the phone for her to hurry up or stay home. She told me to go. I flipped! I yelled that she and Joe should have been up before me, encouraging me and helping me helping me get ready for, what I considered, the biggest milestone in my life. But, instead, I had to force Natalia into it and Joe slept. I wanted to cry but I was more angry than anything. Eventually, Natalia came out to the car and had to listen to me rant a while longer. Then, we get to LA and the road is blocked leading to the parking garage for which I pre-paid! I had to find another place to park and when I landed in the garage under the Cathedral I realized I left my wallet at home! I started crying! Then, I cried harder and grabbed my head - what the fuck is wrong with me??!! My daughter was telling me that it was okay, "we'll call Joe and he can bring your wallet". I kept saying, over and over, "but, I can't pay for parking! My wallet isn't in my purse" I banged on the steering wheel and cried, "this meant so much to me!" and cried uncontrollably. Natalia's voice seeped in through cracks here and there and, eventually, I stopped crying. I called Joe and he said I sounded like I wasn't okay. I was so upset I was shaking and I couldn't put my words together sensibly. But, he figured it out; I needed my wallet. He said he would bring it down. We had a few minutes before the start of the race and we moved in the direction that we saw others moving. We found it in time. I had a full bladder but it was too late to do anything about it. When the race started I told Natalia to go at her speed and don't worry about me. We marked a meeting place and off we went. The first leg of the race was uphill! Uphill three or four turns! I didn't stop and I didn't walk. I pushed through the familiar burn in my lungs and pain in my legs. At the top of the incline we turned right and looped back to, now, go down hill. I ran! No pain, no burn. the rest of the course was level through the streets of a deserted LA. I never stopped and I never walked. When I crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't think about what anyone would think. I cried. Natalia crossed soon after me. We ate bananas and drank water. When Joe arrived we met him by the garage. He was very proud of us and told us so. He gave me money for the garage and, then, thought differently of leaving us and got in the car and directed me to a gas station, He filled my tank and we took him to his car. He was very sweet. We went to his mother's for Thanksgiving dinner. I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep but, the food was delicious. I ate too much.

    I have talked to Natalia about my melt-down and apologized. She said that when I get like that it scares her. I don't want to scare her. I feel terrible. These sort of melt-downs happen more frequently than I care to admit. To be fair, not all of it is something that started recently. I have PTSD and outbursts are not uncommon - it's just, this is a whole, deeper, darker place. I can compare it to the crazy years after head trauma and before successful treatment. I was not myself, then, either.

    I am focused on my exercise. It is the most important thing to me, right now. Running and hiking. When I can do both in the same day, I do. It's what keeps what's left of my sanity in tact.



More info from another doctor

Last Thursday I arrived at oncology Porter Ranch for my infusion and was told Dr. Glaspy was not in but, he had a stand-in; Dr. Berkowitz. Very nice and easy to talk to. He engaged me in conversation for as long as I had something to say - I love him! Lol. We talked about my hair; what I have now is baby hair. New hair - more course and thick- is coming but, I'm still early on all of this, he yells me. I told him I was jogging and we talked about compression clothing and shoes :) I told him that it was so difficult at first but, that I was doing much better and my fatigue and joint pain is lessening. He confirmed that this type of exercise is the best defense for me. He, also, confirmed that this Cancer isn't coming back! Then, he asked who didy surgery....he knows Dr. Schmit! We talked about him for a while, too! That made me so happy that he knows him as well as he does and they refer patients to each other. He suggested acupuncture for the hot flashes and mood swings if they become unmanageable. I like that! 

I've been hiking and jogging every chance I get. I'm getting stronger every day! Today, I jogged without my knee compression bands and it was fine! My best run to date, in fact!

I think the nails that are going to fall off have done so and today I had acrylics put on at Ocean nail salon in Stevenson Ranch. Kim did a WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL job!!! 

My Saturn is, finally, on the road!!! Joe did all the things to finish getting it road ready after the mechanic was done with it. Then, took it over and replaced two of the tires. :) that was very nice of him! Things between us are very good right now and I am enjoying it while it is so.

I'm applying for a promotion job at the VA- I must be crazy.

I'm thinking about switching schools to finish my masters. The last instructor was so horrible I want to not go back to Ashford. 

I'm hoping I can return to work full time after Christmas.