Resolve

HANGING ON TO RESOLVE

 

I wondered why Dr. Palmer made a point of staying positive. In fact, I've heard it a few times from doctors. I am beginning to see what they are talking about. The effects of my second chemotherapy mimic the first. There is nothing that compares to the physical and mental degradation of chemo. While I, still, feel like I accept my treatment and I will go through it, I'm not so sure about everything else. Do I want to continue working...really? Do I want to be around people...even those in my home? I can't answer those questions, honestly, right now. I am wondering if my fight to stay at the workplace is a waste of time. The drive, alone, is trying. My eight hour work day turns into 10, 11 with the drive. My paycheck is shrinking and letters arrive, regularly, addressing the increasing cost of my benefits because of my absences without pay. One more notice and my entire check will be gone to dental and vision benefits.

 

My appearance is unbelievably horrific - and I'm only into treatment number 2! Physically, I feel terrible and mentally I am challenged. It isn't vanity. It's frightening. I don't look like me. I'm a horror movie version of me. -And, it's only going to get worse.

 

I trapped myself in storage on Saturday. I thought it was a good idea to go out there and sort through boxes and rearrange. I was feeling horrible from the Neulasta and had no appetite, so, why not? I moved slowly and pulled things out and looked inside tubs, bags, boxes, etc. I had the goal of finding my military treatment records and a copy of the NIS investigation from the Azores (my compensation claim has not budged since July 2013 and it is a 90 day turn-around claim - a special ops claim...the Regional Offices keep passing it, virtually, around and not doing anything with it, so, I am gathering all the evidence and going to my POA to figure out what action to take - pretty bad since I work at the VA and can't get anyone of authority to intervene...veteran's first, right? Not at LA). I, eventually, found myself in the back, left corner surrounded by boxes and no way out. I had my cell phone in my back pocket and called Joe to dig me out. I couldn't figure it out myself and was so weak I wouldn't be able to anyway. I was overwhelmed and exhausted. Every bone in my body hurt - not ached, hurt.  My muscles were non-existent. My body felt like it had been electrocuted. I was fried on the inside. And, continuing to cook. I contemplated crying. Sometimes, there is nothing else to do but cry. Just as I did when I couldn't figure out how to open a document on the computer the day before. A and B were not connecting in my brain. Nothing was making sense. So, I cried. Joe arrived at the storage unit and removed the things that were blocking me in. He said "you really are blocked in there, aren't you?". In a nice way. He took the few tubs that I hadn't gone through and put them in his car so I could go through them at home. We put everything back in the unit and headed for home. I took a shower and sat, numbly, on the couch. I don't know how long I sat there. Joe has been helpful and sweet, lately. He built a fire for me and hugged me when I cried from the pain. He has made me smile, too. I am grateful.

 

Food. I seldom talk about food. Right now, I don't want to eat anything. I don't have an appetite. The smell of anything cooking turns my stomach. I don't throw-up, though. It hasn't been that bad, yet. The taste of food is missing, as well. I think about how food used to taste and it's appealing but, then think about eating and the appeal goes away. So, I nibble. A bite here and there of something I think I can tolerate. Today, it wasn't much. A little tuna, blueberries, a large spoon of Joe's salad and Ensure. I drank a lot of water and 2 cups of black tea. It's the only tea that doesn't taste like lead. Ginger ale seems to have some taste, as well. Over the next couple of weeks some of my appetite will return but the taste buds will stay compromised. As Dr. Palmer said, whatever food gets me through is fine. Right now as I type this blog I can't imagine eating anything. It's 0253 and I can't sleep. I called off work, already. I am aching and uncomfortable. My period doesn't help matters. Prayer does. Think about God, talk about God, pray to God. That brings me comfort.

 

Head coverings. I've tried the long scarves and a few hats and was frustrated. The scarves were too bulky and tying was a chore. The hats I had didn't sit right on my head and were uncomfortable. But, I have found a few things that work - especially, while I still have hair all over my head. The scarves from TLC American Cancer Society are great! The hats from Stein Mart are working well for me, too.

My favorite! Betmar, New York. Cotton!

When my hair is out completely. Light!! Capelli, New York.

I LOVE this and will use it with a scarf for work. Fits great, feels good!
Laundry by Shelli Segal, Los Angeles. Wheat Braid.
 



Found this at the Grove, LA. Sunscreen built in! Kallina. 100% paper!! A little
heavier than the others but very soft and comfortable!



Found at Reflections, UCLA Medical Center. Light, close to my
natural hair color and the edges look like the hairline! It's almost
impossible to see that it is a wig when I wear it! "Elle", Jon Renau.