GIVING BACK

 

MY FIRST WALK FOR BREAST CANCER

 

I joined the American Cancer Society for their "Making Strides" walk for breast cancer in Santa Monica (5k) this past Saturday. I went by myself and donated $100. I met other survivors and friends/family of survivors. I was hugged, randomly :) and had a great time! What better view than the one to be had along the Santa Monica beaches? The sun was shining, people playing beach volleyball while others were playing roller hockey in the parking lot and lots of people jogging and riding bikes as we became a sea of pink swarming along the oceanfront. I felt good and finished in the front of the pack. :)

 

I was interviewed by a very sweet young woman, Kelly, for her CSU project. She filmed me as she asked questions and then hugged me and told me I was an inspiration.

 

I don't know what the numbers are for the event; people attended, money collected, etc. I know that one group contributed $70,000! Amazing!

 

 

I am jogging 3 to 4 times a week, now and doing well! I am so proud of myself! I can jog the entire path that I mapped out for myself. I don't stop. Yesterday, I, even, made it up the small hill on Wylie Canyon (where it connects to Calgrove). I feel that I need to master this loop before going to a longer distance but, I have the extra miles, already, mapped out. I feel good when I am jogging (no more crying from pain) and I feel great when I am done!

 

I have sugar cravings like I have never had before!! I don't know where it is coming from or why. I'll as the nurses and Dr. Glaspy about it when I see him on Thursday. The cravings are unbelievably strong!

 

Yesterday, after church, Natalia suggested we go to the Grove for lunch. I was tired and had school work due but, from past experiences, I know Natalia's suggestions turn out to be something great! I don't know how to illustrate the awesome relationship we have. I wish I could share her Snapchat stories - for me, as well as, everyone else to see. We have a great relationship that includes loving, learning and laughing. The 3 most important aspects of being a mom. Natalia is a wonderful person; she's mature, intelligent, respectful, caring and has a great wit! I love spending time with her and am sad as she breaks away more and more to her independence. But, that's the life cycle, right?

 

I was upset a couple of nights ago because Joe has been standoffish lately (no more than usual but he had warmed up a bit). He explained that he is distracted by work and trying to master the stock market, family issues, and my health. He doesn't want to be intimate because it will make me "sick". I told him he either has someone else or he is, just, repulsed by me. He said, neither. The following day I apologized to him for having the discussion and told him I understood why he didn't want to be close to me - it must be very difficult for someone like him to love me the way I am, now.

 

I finished the last class with a D. Yes, a D. The instructor refused to grade my late assignment and gave me a zero. Wanda Fernandopulle is her name I am hopeful that she will be removed. She is tarnishing the, otherwise, awesome image of Ashford University Online studies. Several of the students have reported her for a variety of issues. For instance; she told the class to submit their final project (20 points) via the 'dropbox'  not 'waypoint' and if we failed to submit to the correct location we would receive a 'zero' (she like giving zeros). She advised us to contact our tech team if we had problems with the dropbox. I noticed that I didn't have a dropbox so, I contacted tech via instant messaging and was advised to tell the instructor that she didn't order the dropbox for students, therefore, it isn't possible for us to use it. I copied the thread and sent it to the class and the instructor. She, immediately, sent an email out saying that we were to submit our final via 'waypoint' as 'we always had' - as if she never said the work dropbox! LOL Al Gore wannabe (although, his word was 'lockbox'). She low-balled my final and I passed with a D. It's going to take some work to build my GPA back up from that one D.

 

Well, I'm off to jog :)

 

Smooth sailing...mostly

 

Just thought I'd start off with this picture! All month there are breast cancer awareness events going on everywhere! I never noticed before just how much of breast cancer awareness events there are! It's great! I went to Macy's a week and a half ago to refill my body lotion at the Philosophy counter at Macy's and everything was pink! They were giving facials and make-overs at all the counters, there was nail painting, face painting, a 'selfie' wall with a huge pink ribbon (that's the picture above) and complimentary pink hats, scarves, glasses, etc. I was asked if I was a breast cancer patient (the scarf I was wearing - it doesn't fool anyone; people are simply kind enough to act like they don't notice) at the counter as I was asking for my lotion. The ladies were very nice and offered a facial. Of course!! I bought several of the Philosophy products after the facial and skin analysis. I explained that the chemo and neulasta made a mess of my skin and I was 'winging' it to get it restored. She introduced me to some products and my skin is looking good!! I'll take a better picture for my next blog but, I am seeing great results from these products (mostly all samples = free!)Purity made simple facial cleanser, the microdelivery vitamin C/peptide peel, miracle worker retinoid pads/solution, miracle worker day cream and night cream, full of promise treatment duo, full of promise for eyes. It sounds like a lot but, it's a simple routine to get used to. My face is thanking me for it!

 

Nannette Maurizio painted a beautiful pink ribbon on my left ring fingernail. I kept it for a week and changed the nail polish on every other nail. :)

 

I picked up a pair of boots on sale (great sale), too. Dr. Glaspy said the swelling is, still, from the Taxotere and it may be here a few months longer. So, I want to wear dresses, therefore, I need a boot to cover the swelling.

 

I cut bangs into my wig to hide the rippling of the mesh cap. The wig is stretching a bit and the rippling at the front of the wig is getting ridiculous, I tried eyelash glue to hold it down and that didn't work. So, bangs! I like it and Natalia said it look more natural this way. I wash my wig in a large bowl and then blow dry it on my head - like my real hair. That way I get the style exactly the way I want it.

 

My ring finger nails are blackening but, so far, I've been able to hang on to them. The middle toenail of my left foot is doing the same. My eyelashes are just about gone! How about that?! The hair everywhere else is coming back with a vengeance but the eyelashes are falling out. I picked up a gel eyeliner at CVS and it looks fine. My eyebrows are coming in crazy, though! LOL. Oh well my glasses hide some of that.

 

I'm still pretty tired after a day of work. Today, I cam home and ate something and went to bed. I was awakened by the telephone and here I am on the blog. I needed to catch up, anyway.

 

I have been on a few more jogs and the last one, Monday, was 2 miles non-stop!!!!! The entire trek was 4 miles. I am so excited!! I use my water bottle, while it's full, to do arm exercises as if it were a hand weight and I feel it! The knee braces that I bought after my first jog are working great. NO more crying!!! The pain is almost non-existent when I jog. I have a couple of great apps on my phone to help me; "Withings" monitors my steps, distance, exercise and weight while the podcast "JogTunes Indie Broadcast" guides my jog. I am loving them both!

 

 

I am craving the sweets, though! My gosh, I have never had cravings like this! I could eat pastries, chocolate and candy all day long! I am really having to watch myself!! I haven't gained any more weight and I have seen a 5 pound weight loss over night because of the swelling going down while I sleep. Shocking!

 

Work is going well and my friend Lenny is the light of my life, right now. Very sweet and kind. I can't tell you how good it feels to have him a part of my everyday. Cancer scared him away for a minute but, he has come around and thank God he has. I try to imagine my days without him and I shake the thoughts free. How gloomy and lonely I would be.

And there are my other friends Darlene and Scott; always helping me through every day!!!!!!! God bless them for blessing me!

 

Joe is doing well. He went to Indianapolis for a week- work related. He, still, rides me to work and picks me up everyday. The Saturn needs a head. No telling when it will be ready.

 

I had a minor melt down yesterday before work. I was running a little late and couldn't remember where I put the car keys. Joe had stepped outside and I was calling for him to help me look and he wasn't responding. I started emptying my purse and crying when Natalia came downstairs and saw me throw my purse on the floor and yell at it. I was so frustrated with my memory loss. She texted Joe and he came in and helped me find the key. He, then, helped me shove everything back in my purse. I was, still, crying when he walked out to start the car. When I stood up Natalia hugged me and told me it was going to be alright, "everything is going to be fine; you'll get to work and I'll get to school and everything will be okay". How sweet is she?? The rest of my day was much of the same - I felt befuddled and forgetful all day. Today was completely different. I had one brain malfunction when trying to think of the restaurant "Subway". I kept saying the sub place but could not remember "Subway"! Darlene helped me out, though. And, since it was during a team huddle she let everyone know it was "chemo brain". God love her!

 

The pictures! The beautiful view of the boat slips is in Long Beach - right beside the Queen Mary. Ethel was speaking before a women's conference from a local church and a bunch of the ladies from New Zion went to support her. Wow! She was fantastic. I wish everyone who is just finding out that they have breast cancer could hear her testimony!! Very powerful and relatable! The others are of the Queen Mary Dark Harbor event. Lots of scary mazes and creatures and fun! Michael Jackson's swing ride from Neverland Ranch was there, too. The band and DJ were awesome, as well. It was great fun even though Natalia is getting a little bored going to these things with me and she would rather go with her friends. She is a good sport and I am going to squeeze every minute of time with in that I can before she flees. :(

 



 

Herceptin is NOT chemotherapy

 

 

THAT'S IT? THAT WAS CHEMO?

 

I have to clarify because I can't believe it myself. I was under the impression that I was going to be in "chemo" for a year. But, as Dr. Glaspy informed me yesterday; chemo is over! I went in to have my Herceptin infusion and, afterwards, visit with the doctor. He came into the exam room and after asking how I was doing said "how's it feel to be done with chemo?". I said, "great!, but...Herceptin isn't chemo?" and that's when he told me that it wasn't a chemotherapy drug and that's why my hair is growing back, my skin looks better and I am not having the harsh side-effects that I was having before. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody. The pill, Tamoxifen, is a hormone drug. Chemo is done. When I left the office and walked to Ralphs I, just, kept saying that was chemo? Chemo is over? If I had understood that when I had had my last infusion I would have made a bigger deal of it being over!! We discussed, briefly, my ankles and feet; they are swollen beyond recognition most of the time. Dr. Glaspy said they were "Taxotere ankles" and that they would return to normal in a few months. He knows that they can be pain painful but assures me it's all expected.

 

I went on my 2nd run (if you can call it that) today. I was able to jog a little farther today than I did the last time. It started out like the first run and I cried a little bit from the pain and sluggishness of my body. But, it passed quickly - thank you, Marshall Mathers. The knee braces that I purchased after the last run work great! My knees did not hurt during or after the run. I snapped a picture of Puppy as she greeted me home.

 

 

My hair is growing back, noticeably, now. I am including a picture of my head and my right breast. The scars are healing nicely - the incision made by Dr. Schmit to remove the tumor has healed to, near, obscurity. As has the incision he made to remove the lymph node. The incision made by Dr. Demanes is not as obscure; the small cut is obvious. But, there were no stitches to close the wound when the SAVI was removed so, the healing has been different. There, also, appears to be tiny poc marks on the skin of the breast around the area of the SAVI. I don't know what that is but, Dr. Schmit didn't take note of it so it must be okay.

 

I am on an abbreviated work schedule, now. Monday and Friday off so I am able to rest. In fact, I'm ready for a nap right now! Whew! I am so tired all the time.

 



 

 

 

LEGS

Darn the SWELLING 

I stayed home from work today because of the swelling below the knees. I didn't plan on taking off, though. 

I attended a dinner at Lucille's smokehouse at Valencia mall last night. When I got home my knees, calves, ankles and feet were swollen beyond belief. I had Hagrid legs. I, still, intended to go to work. My alarm did not got off at 0420 as it was supposed to. Joe woke me up at 0520 and asked if I was taking the day off. I said, "no" and jumped out of bed. I felt the pinch in my toes and sat on the bed. My feet and ankles were very swollen. I called off and went downstairs for tea. I talked to a coworker about a problem he was having at work and then I went back to bed. Hours later most of the swelling had gone down. I kept my feet up on the recliner and worked on school assignments (I am so far behind). 

Later in the evening I removed my nail polish and noticed my middle finger is about to lose the nail. I could feel that it was lifting around the edges but the visual confirmed it; the nail is cloudy white like the part that grows out of the nail bed. the left ring finger nail is discolored. My toe nails are okay.

I was able to stay on the elliptical for 30 minutes while watching Gotham on TV. I am happy with that after the way I felt Sunday night. Natalia and I went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios and by the time we left to come home I, seriously, thought I would need help getting to the car; my hips and joints at the top of my legs hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I had to walk slowly all night and I hope that it wasn't obvious to Nat or anyone else. I told her that my joints were hurting and I needed to walk slow but I didn't want to put a damper on the evening. Sitting didn't help. I prayed to make it to the car. One foot in front of the other. Once home I went straight to bed. The pain was worth it to have that experience with my daughter. We have wanted to be a part of the Walking Dead mazes for years!! Another check on my bucket list.

Monday, I filled out the requested forms that will change my full time status to part time; I typed a letter to the VSO manager, O'Meara, filled out a SF71 (of which makes no sense to me) and the VA form to change status. That, with the letter from the doctor, goes forward for approval. There are others working part time due to health restraints so, there should be no problem. Lenny has been great at work. Completely, lifts my spirits. The last batch of new VSRs have returned from Baltimore and I have reconnected with the few that I had established relationships with...all good!! 

Chemo on Thursday. 

Still no word on my car. 

STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!
    

The First Run

SLOW AND STEADY

I went out on my first run today. I wouldn't call it a 'run' as much as a slow jog. I didn't stretch or prepare myself in any special way other than to try putting on the knee sleeves. Fail. The knee sleeve is a great idea but it felt too tight around my thigh so, I opted for nothing. I put on a pair of heavy exercise pants - they fit tight (so no jiggle!), exercise bra and t-shirt. I plugged my ears with earbuds and prepared the outdated iPod with music. I decided months ago, when I was contemplating marathon training, that Eminem would be my music to train by. So, on the ready, was Marshall Mathers LP 2. I didn't have a plan or set path so, I just started jogging once I arrived at Calgrove. I, immediately, felt a burning in my thighs and in my lungs. My breathing was labored and I felt weak. When I turned into a residential area off of Wylie Canyon I started crying. I kept jogging, but I was crying. I swiped at my tears, at first, but, after a while I just let the tears run down my face. My body was hurting and weak. My slow jog was, almost, too much for it. I kept going. I thought about the marathon I promised Adam. I thought about cancer. I thought about my body being so weak. In my ear was "Stronger Than I was". I don't know if I was sobbing loudly or not. I had the music volume up loud enough that I couldn't hear myself. I would stop crying for a while and then cry some more. For 2 miles I cried off and on. I jogged, without stop, for a little over 1 mile. Then, I alternated walking and jogging until I was back home.

After the jog I took some vitamins, drank an Ensure and headed to the Sport Chalet where I bought two types of knee braces. Then, off to CVS for ibuprofen. I wanted to come home and work on the garage but, as I type I am feeling tired. The temperature is going to be around 100 degrees today - maybe higher. When I went out to jog it was, still, cool but by 9:30 it was hot.

I need to chop some greens and make a big batch of green drink for the coming week. The batch from last week didn't last through Friday.

Dr. Glaspy signed a note that I should work a maximum of 24 hours instead of the 40 I have been working. I, really, need the break. I am exhausted all of the time. I hit snooze 3 or 4 times in the morning and find myself needing a nap by the time I arrive to work at 0600. I struggle to get through the work day and have fallen behind in my classwork. I haven't contributed to cleaning house or doing dishes in weeks. I haven't ironed clothes in weeks. My room is in disarray. I, just, don't have energy or strength. I would like to take a leave of absence from work until all of chemo is finished but, I can't afford it. Joe has yet to say to me "you should take off, don't worry, I'll help with the doctor bills and other bills you are burdened with. Your health is more important". Instead, I get "I'm tired, too". Go figure.



A piece of my jog.



And the mammagram says....

NORMAL!

But, I already knew that a few days ago when I received the letter in the mail. Dr. Schmit confirmed as much during my first 6 month post-op check up. It was a good visit, overall. Nothing alarming or irregular to contend with. As a result, there was a lighter mood on my part and the doctor's part. I don't know why my mood began to sink, like the Titanic just before the visit was ended. It has continued to sink and hasn't reached bottom, yet. I looked forward to this appointment, nearly, everyday for six months. It wasn't a let-down; great news, I was remembered (I'm pretty sure), and enjoyable banter...so, why? I'll save my diatribe for my journal - I can analyze myself all day.

Things have been stressful with Joe. I don't know why he has to be so passive aggressive and verbally abusive, at times. Its bad enough when I'm not in treatment...but, now-and, I thought things were going along peacefully? I save that for my pillow, too.

God help me, I feel so sad. So  old, alone and worthless.

Me & Dr. Schmit