Thank God.. .

...NOTHING CATASTROPHIC

My physical self has been as well as it can be. It has been, nearly, 3 weeks since chemo and,  although,  I feel well but my body is weak and tired. I can't force it to not be what it is. I can sleep 12 - 14 hours. My thighs burn just walking up the stairs. The slightest stretch pains my hamstrings. I can't close the hatch on the Explorer. Weak and tired. My skin is grey, thin and blotched. I am the ugliest person I know. 

Mentally, wow, I'm slipping like I did when I was first told I had cancer. I'm feeling like I have 5 years, tops to live.  I can't see myself old. It makes me sad. I can't imagine myself healthy like I want to be. I see myself jogging and fit,  happy and content but I can't see the road that will get me there. I am frustrated and sad. 

My school work is fine. I'm getting hits for format errors in the APA assignments. I don't care. I know exactly the errors as they happen. I'm rushed and sick and I know the paper I'm writing will still earn an A. So why does it bother me that the instructor hasn't figured that out? 

That's it. I'm tired. 

At This Juncture...

IN BETWEEN EMOTIONS

 



     I stayed home from work last week and today. My alarm went off at 4 but I called off. I was up at midnight and from that point slept a few minutes every hour. My throat is sore as I do my best to ward off a cold. Physically, I feel better than I did yesterday and yesterday I felt better than the day before but, I feel the effects of the 6th round of chemo, still. An ache in my jaw or my knee; a turn in my stomach, the paste that sticks in my mouth. I know I'm not myself before chemo. I don't know when, if ever, I'll be that body. It is my hope that I am a better body when chemo is done, completely.

  
     My emotions are something different. I am not sure what they are right now. I'm not, quite, depressed, but not as buoyant as I have been. I would rather be home and in bed than outside or at work right now. My dreams are shrinking, once again. I can't conjure a future or a mythic future, even. I'm holding fast to the idea of running. I'm waiting for the green light that will, hopefully, come on September 3rd. That's the day I start the single chemo infusion of Herceptin. My legs are weak right now. The thigh muscle burns when I walk. The back of my thigh burns when its stretched - even, the slightest. My arms are weak. The flesh hangs from my upper arms and neck. My waist is flab. I have no strength or muscle at all. I have a vision of myself running strong. I hold on to that.



 
     I let Joe see my bald head yesterday. He tried to look at it the day before and I didn't allow it. But when he asked yesterday, I showed him. Natalia was trying to lure me away from doing such but, it is what it is. If he can't deal with my bald head he needs to grow up. He seemed okay. I told him that I don't have any deformities or dents or odd lumps on my head and "it's still me, just me with a bald head". He agreed. He said it's much better than me holding on to the scraggly head of hair I had before it was shaved. He asked me, this morning, when we were home by ourselves, "are you looking forward to your hair growing back?" Yes, I am. Joe's sister-in-law said her hair came in curly. Mine will come in normal. It will be wavy and thick; probably gray-white. I'm fine with it. Right now I have a 5 o'clock shadow on my head.






 
     I enjoyed the New Zion Women's Conference and am so grateful to my and Natalia's sponsors. After the Saturday lesson and the conference closed Natalia and I walked around the Los Angeles County Arboretum in Arcadia. It's beautiful. Natalia was resistant, at first, and complained. But, once we started walking and she saw her long lost kin folk she perked up. As we walked along a paved way she saw a dirt path in the thick of the trees and cut in. I followed and, like an oasis, we found our selves at a little lagoon. The trees closed behind us and the paved road and people were a memory. I felt like I was in a moment from "Narnia" and walked from the closet to the wilderness. The lagoon looked man-made and as we found a path around it we saw a small waterfall. We walked along the outer edge and followed the path to a large, natural lagoon. We crept across brush and down to the edge. Across the width stood a beautiful old 'cottage'. A large white and red trim Victorian house. We had to back out from the edge of the water and find a path to take us around the large lagoon to the house. It was hot but we were determined. On the porch of the house we stood where Angela Lansbury filmed an episode of "Murder She Wrote". :) That made me very happy. There has been quite a bit of filming around this house and the grounds. The Coach Barn rests across the vast expanse of lawn. In it there is a private coach, restored, and stables. The smell of the wood still fresh. Absolutely a thing of beauty. The trees, flowers, and lawns - peaceful and soothing to the soul. But, as I said before, HOT! After we walked to the large waterfall and lily pond, we turned around to go find the café. We were both parched and hot. We joked that looking for the café was like making our way to the extraction point on "Naked and Afraid". Natalia laughed because I couldn't lift my feet and my arms hung at my sides as we trudged in the extreme heat. I was thinking 'I can't make it, where's the courtesy golf cart? I need to sit, where's the benches in the shade?' But, I kept walking. I didn't stop until we were in the café and I had a bottle of water. On the way out of the café we crossed a female peacock. She was moving, fairly, quickly and I didn't get a decent picture. At the bottom of the steps Natalia caught her breath and she said, "Mom". I hit the bottom step and looked around the bushes. The most beautiful male peacock I have ever seen. the tail must have been 6 feet in length. He didn't move. I was able to get within inches and take pictures of his amazingly bedazzled head. He flicked his head here and there but, his body remained immobile. We walked around his tail and waited to see if he would fan it. He didn't. After several minutes he turned, slowly, and walked into the bushes. He squawked once and was gone. And so were we.

 

 

GONE, BABY, GONE

LET IT GO

Gladly!  I made the decision to let the remaining hair from my head go and get it shaved away ! I went to Fantastic Sams on Lyons next to Starbucks. Wendy took me back to the break room and worked her magic. She was wonderful!! ! We made a date to revisit when I have enough hair to play with! :)

The responses from my family have been sweet and funny!  Two commented that I, still, look like Susan Sarandon. Vickie said I looked like Steve when he was 2, lol,  and all said I am beautiful. Adam said my hair will grow back more beautiful than before and Steve said he missed my "pretty face". I get teary over such lovliness from people I love.
When I told Len (my name for the friend/no friend /friend at the VA) that my hair will probably come in all gray he said it would look good on me. What a sweet thing to say. The little things. That's all it takes to restore the human heart to full bloom. To remove the shadows of clouds and low hanging branches ; the infinite sweetness of a bright smile and soft word.

I am,  still,  feeling weak- too weak, for my liking and my thinking is off kilter; I was in bed most of the day yesterday and when I woke late in the afternoon I couldn't remember any one's face. I was so anxious that I couldn't move. I laid in my bed and brought a name to my lips, one after another, and tried to imagine the face. I couldn't. Not one. I thought of my sons, my grandchildren, my daughter, Joe, my sisters, people at work, my cat - nothing. I couldn't see my cat when I said her name, "Puppy". Nothing. It scared me terribly. I wondered if I was losing my mind. Was I having a break down? Should I call the doctor? I broke out in a cold sweat and shook uncontrollably under my heavy blanket. I became very hot under the blankets and sweat ran like rivers from my head to my pillow but fear kept me frozen in place. It grew dark outside my balcony doors and soon after, I heard a tap on the door. It was dark enough that I couldn't see but a shadow of Joe as he opened the door to tell me he was going to Home Depot. I heard the car pull out and I forced myself up quickly. I pushed my aching body down the stairs to the kitchen. It was quiet. I went to the front room and laid on the couch. I listened to my heart racing and felt pain shoot up into my jaw. I knew I had to calm myself down. I started taking long deep breathes. I thought only of my breathing and fell asleep. I awoke when Natalia came down to retrieve her school books. I went upstairs to my room, sat on the edge of my bed and thought of my sons. I could see their faces. I breathed a deep sigh of relief! I thought of everyone in my family and friends at work, long lost shipmates and grade school chums...I remembered all of their faces. I flipped my pillow and flopped down. I fell asleep quickly.

Today, I drove to the nearest Arbys to satisfy my craving for beef; Canyon Country. After paying for my sandwich I returned to the 14. I haven't listened to much music since cancer announced itself. I shut music down. I replaced it with talk shows and spiritual songs. I used to blast music in my car. It was an escape from traffic,  work and crazy thoughts. But cancer made it feel silly and frivolous. Until today! On the 14 I put in a random CD from the passenger door. Out poured Bruno Mars,  Locked Out of Heaven. A switch flipped and I turned it up LOUD. I stepped on the gas and shifted my 20 year old Saturn into 5th gear.  I flew!  Dancing in my seat I swerved in and out of cars as fast as the Saturn would take me. I didn't care what it looked like!- I was light!  I have never felt so light and centered and fluid! The mountains all around fed me with strength and protection and so I flew with Bruno Mars blowing the tiny speakers!  That's what freedom feels like. For a few minutes rules didn't apply to me. When I  reached Calgrove the down slope exit guided me back to earth. I stopped at its end and turned off the music. GPS told me I was at my destination. I smiled - not quite.

When Natalia was out of school she asked to go to the mall so she could get her ears pierced. Of course, I took her. There was an incident with one of the employees of a neighboring store and mall security (and I use that term loosely). I will share the details another time. The main point is that my confusion and muddled thinking put me in a very bad way when I would normally have been calm and rational. I was so upset I called Joe for help. He was upset, as well - mostly, because my state of mind makes me vulnerable. No one wants to think of someone in my state becoming frightened and confused. 

It all makes me feel very old. Or, do I, just, feel how old I am?

WISHFUL THINKING

If Only It Worked Like That 

Well, no such luck...I am agonizing, here. I was thinking, a few days ago, that the reduction of carboplatin might alleviate some of the side effects - no, not at all. I am in total agony. It started Friday night and by this afternoon the bone pain is horrible, the nausea is horrible and the weakness is -you guessed it,  HORRIBLE.  Last one like this. I tried to forge ahead and go to church today. In fact, I made it there with Natalia. In the middle of corporate prayers I felt weak and hot. Valerie was sitting with me in prayer as I was too weak to stand. I had to excuse myself and dash for the ladies room. I was sweating and weak with intestinal pain. I started praying. Then,  I couldn't, even,  do that. Ethel came in and started running cold water in the little sink and soaking paper towels for me to put on my face,  neck and scalp. It helped and I am grateful to her. I took my hat off in front of her and didn't care. I don't have to hide that from her,  of all people. She is only concerned about my well being. Natalia came to see if I was okay and waited outside the bathroom. When Ethel and I emerged I asked Nat to go start the car so it could cool off.  I sat on some steps just inside the front doors and Ethel and Valerie brought ice water in a cup and cold paper towels. They stayed with me and fanned me. They were worried about me driving home. I assured them I could make it once in the car. Ethel helped me out and she prayed for my safe journey. I was carried home today. We walked into the house and the smell of whatever was cooking turned me green. Nat turned on fans and opened doors but it was so hot it made me faint. I went upstairs and turned on the only working A/C in the house; my little stand-alone next to my bed. It took all of my strength to undress and find a t-shirt. I dropped to the bed close to the cool unit and fell asleep. I slept for a few hours. When I woke I ventured downstairs for a bite of tuna and milk. Because of the heat,  I came back upstairs. The food didn't sit well and my stomach cramped. I walked,  swiftly,  to the bathroom but nearly passed out because of the heat. I doused my head with cold water and went back to you room. Here I am. I'm grateful to Ethel and Valerie and Natalia. Today, someone was helping to take care of me and I was not alone. Ethel knew what I  needed in that moment and I can't express  how wonderful it felt to have that. We are all feeling along in the dark until there is another who has gone before you. I am grateful to have heard from my friend (the one that can/can't be my friend) at work - last night and today. I didn't expect it. It brought me such inner happiness.  Surprises like that restore my faith in humanity. And, of course, to have the steady support and friendship of Scott and Darlene makes me feel very, very fortunate.

ROUND 6 DONE!!

MILESTONE REACHED!!

 

No one may understand the milestone that I reached today...round 6 is done! I remember Dr. Glaspy telling me in our initial meeting that "we are going to aim for 6 but, some only can take 4". I told him "I'm going to make the 6". I told myself that same thing over and over during and after each and every chemo. During the hardest of moments I would swear I was done and that I was giving up but, I knew I was expressing my feelings for the horrible things that chemo does to a person and I knew I wasn't giving up. By allowing myself those expressions, I also empowered myself. So, here I am with round 6 under my belt. The nurses were happy for me, too. Dr. Cohen was there to confer with me, as well. By now, she is a welcome face and I always look forward to seeing her. She referred to me as "tough as nails" today when I relayed the ER visit that I made on Saturday. I was well enough to go to work on Monday, though. I, do, seem to rebound quickly and completely when things happen like that. I am hoping that after this round that my body will rebound as quickly.

 

I, now, move on to Herceptin every 3 weeks with echocardiograms every 3 months. I had an echo today. I won't know how it looks until my first round of Herceptin, I suppose. I wonder when the hot flashes will stop? When will my sleeping return to something more normal. It is disturbed and I am, constantly, tossing and turning - cold and hot no matter how cold the room is. I have my portable air conditioning running all night and it can't keep me cool most of the night but ther are moments that I freeze and have to turn on my heating pad and add a blanket. Freezing turns quickly to sweating, though, and I'm kicking everything off.

 

I am going to shave my head in two weeks so all the hair will grow back evenly. I am lucky that my hair didn't fall out, completely.

 

In celebration of round 6 over and done, I went to the movies and watched "Into the Storm" at Valencia Regal Theaters. It was good. I was disappointed that the storyline focused on high schoolers. It didn't have the elements that I love about "Twister". The special effects were good in the new movie but, I prefer "Twister". Then, after the movie, I went to Stein Mart and bought an awesome new purse by Tignanello and two pants and 4 shirts. I spent $150. That's fantastic! I love Stein Mart because they sell outrageously priced "name brand" for less - and the sales are great.

 

Natalia and I went to church on Sunday and heard a great guest speaker. I bought a CD after the service to listen to him again. It felt great to be there this past Sunday. Fellowshipping is becoming easier and I feel more comfortable with everyone - like old friends. Natalia and I are being sponsored so we can go to the women's conference in two weekends! We are so excited! I wanted to go when it was first announced but knew I didn't have the money for us to go. Pastor asked me if I wanted to go and would I go if I had the money. I said "yes!". After the service we were told that we have been sponsored!! I am just beyond happy!!!!!

 

After church Natalia and I went to the San Fernando Mission Cemetery and Chapel. Everything is beautiful and peaceful! What a history!! And, Bob Hope and his wife are buried there within a beautiful garden that was added after Delores died. It has a babbling brook and winding pathway. There are other members of the Hope family buried within the grassy areas of the garden. It is located in the back of the Chapel. I'm glad to have, finally, made it there! I have wanted to see this Chapel and historic Mission for years!

 

Right now, I feel great. I don't know how long it will last. My carboplatin was reduced by 20% because of the kidney stones, bladder, head cold, fever and pleurisy after the last round. Dr. Cohen just felt it was time to give my neutrophils a break. I don't know how this will reflect in the side effects - will they be less or the same? I guess we'll find out in a day or two.

 

When I shave my head I am going to have Natalia take a very candid photo before and after. No sun glasses, adjusted lighting, right camera angles, or BB Cream! What's left of the hair on my head and my lined face. My skin has taken a beating and I have an indented scar from the Sweet Syndrome reaction to Neulasta. I am hoping my skin will return and I may have to go for plastic surgery to fix my forehead. Or, maybe not. The scar will be a reminder of what I went through and what I have overcome. A badge of honor. We'll have to see what bounces back and what doesn't. The treatment isn't over and I'm not out of the woods but, I have reached a major milestone in this fight and I am proud of my body and thankful to God and his army of angels from Heaven and earth!

 

"INTO THE STORM"

THE AWESOME NURSE, COLETTE

MY OTHER AWESOME NURSE

SAN FERNANDO MISSION CHAPEL AND NATALIA

 

in the ER

HELLO AGAIN,  HENRY MAYO ER

I am, right now, in the ER . About an hour ago Natalia and I walked into Whole Foods and in the produce section there was a sudden, sharp pain in my left breast that quickly exploded and prevents me from being able to take a deep breath. I am afraid. My mother had these symptoms and it was a blood clot. I have been given an EKG (fine), IV fluids, oxygen and morphine. They took blood and I  am waiting for a pulmonary CT scan. The doctor is very nice. As are the nurses I have had so far . The morphine is nice but I still can't breathe.


Dr's report; inflammation of the lining of the lung!  Thank God not a blood clot or collapsed lung! !!

Back to Work.. .that means you, kidneys!

SHORT & SWEET
This is my first time blogging from my phone!  Hope its legible.   Going back to work tomorrow after being out since last Friday.  I saw Dr.  Glaspy  today.  He seems pleased with how treatment is going.  When we discussed the complaints of chemo,  there really weren't any.  My recent problems with the kidney  stones and bladder issues were not caused by chemo,  I am  told.  Fatigue,  weakness,  bone pain,  nausea,  hairloss  - those things  can be directly attributed to chemo.  Speaking of hair,  Dr.  Glaspy  said "Good! " when he noticed I still had my hair,  however thin.  And,  he liked my hat!  :) He said it was "perfect! " It sits nicely and I wore the hairband with my hair appearing underneath.  He liked it and it made me feel more confident  in it.  I'm inserting  a picture here.  Let's  hope I  can from this phone.  Gosh this is a  pain blogging from  here.

ANOTHER DAY

NOT SURE I LIKE UNCERTAINTY

 

I learned, pretty quickly, that during the course of my journey with fighting cancer that each day would have to be lived for what it brings. I would not be able to predict how a day would begin or end. I would live minute to minute most days. It's been 6 months and it is, still, that way. When my mind wanders to a week from now or a month from now or a year from now, something slaps those thoughts away and brings me back to this moment. I'm beginning to feel a bit of...resentment? I'm not sure that's the right word. I'm used to a long range plan. The far-future plans have kept me sane during times of poverty and homelessness with 2 young children. If I didn't think about the possibilities a brighter tomorrow -of, a way to get out of the situation I was in, I may have collapsed under the weight of despair. So, I feel a little nervousness and unhappiness being 'stuck' in today. It doesn't feel liberating or freeing, at all. I guess it feels the way it does because my here-and-now is in need of improving and changing. But, I can't plan for it. I can't develop a way out. I find that I am more willing to do things spontaneously and, even, knowing the doctors may not think it a good idea.

 

Yesterday, Nat and I went back to Los Angeles Equestrian Center and went on a trail ride. I signed us up for 2 hours but, quickly, changed my mind once we started moving on the horses. I had 'Starsky' and Nat had 'Rose'. Starsky was a little frisky and I freaked. The last horse I was on tossed me off his back like a dirty rag. My trail guide was a little cantankerous with me because I was not wanting to let my horse get frisky and trot! I explained that I didn't have enough strength in my legs right now to let him trot. He said "looks like you got muscles in your legs from where I'm sittin'". I flipped! He asked if there was something preventing me from using my leg muscles and I told him I didn't have any! I explained where I was in the chemo process and my muscle mass has been depleted along with 30 pounds of weight. He was trying to challenge me with words like "well, you want to learn how to handle things like that when the horse does it, right?" and "When you have to you will be able to use those leg muscles" and "stop holding his reigns so tight!". Whatever! But, by the time we were nearing our end of one hour, I was doing better and no so worried. I let Starsky pass Rose and if he wanted to trot, I was willing to let him. We'll go back over the weekend. I will be wearing boots and my knee sleeves! I asked the trail guide if horses could sense fear and he chuckles and said they could sense all emotions and that it is cathartic (my word not his) for the rider because every time they get on the horse if forces them to check their emotions. I like that. It's better than therapy. 

 

My visit with Dr. Sender was uneventful today. Thankfully uneventful!! We couldn't do the cystoscopy because of Neutropenia. But, the doctor doesn't feel I'll need more than 5 days of antibiotic and I'll go back in on Tuesday to leave a urine sample. CT scan showed stones but nothing else to worry about.

 

I was called by Porter Ranch to come in on Thursday and see Dr. Glaspy. He wants to see me for a follow-up and discuss next weeks chemo. I'm surprised. I figured he wasn't interested. Dr. Cohen's been taking care of everything. Whatever to that, too.

 

Overall, I'm tired. Feeling a little edgier than I have in the past weeks. Sleepless. Anxious. Wanting to say "Fuck you" to work for multiple reasons - not all are directly related to the VA.

 

Mine and Joe's lovely stage is slipping again. I hope it doesn't slip too much.

 



TODAY, WE RIDE....

...WHAT ELSE AM I TO DO?

 

     Today, I didn't have to call the Porter Ranch clinic because they called me first! Dr. Cohen asked her staff to call me to come in and get my IV. I did. I was there by 10:00 and weighed in. I haven't been this weight in 8 years, at least. I'm not too concerned, though. I've lost about 30 pounds since finding out I had cancer. I may have blogged that before - I can't remember. I'm anxious to get this part of treatment over so I can put my tennis shoes on and run. That's pretty much all I think about when I think of chemo #6. While soaking in the hydration my lab results were given to me by Collette - not so good. Two items of concern: WBC, Critical low - 1.7 and reference range is 4.0 - 10.0. AND Neutrophil, Critical low - .08 yes, that's not a typo, .08 and the reference range is 1.56 - 6.13. Dr. Cohen told me my count was 80 when it should be 8,000. This makes me Neutropenia. I can't have the cystoscopy on Wednesday (I thought it was tomorrow - good thing I called them) because of the Neutropenia. But, I need to see Dr. Sender anyway to figure out what is going on with the bladder/kidney stones. I am peeing blood and have pain when peeing. Dr. Cohen feels this is all related to the stones. I need to see him and go over everything and let him advise us next. Should I take the antibiotics for 10 days instead of 5? Change the antibiotic? Have another CT scan and see if puss is evident in the kidneys? And, my head cold is terrible right now, too. The antibiotic Dr. Cohen prescribed covers all the bases. When I saw her in the kitchen this morning she didn't recognize me at first but quickly realized it was me and hugged me. She is very sweet. She asked how things were going as we fixed our teas. I told her that when she texted me that there were no 24-pharmacies where she lived and I was lucky to find one (on Sunday, she gave me her cell number because she was wrangling kids when I called about my bladder issue)I thought about the pharmacist in NC (that served people and animals) that left his home number on the door and would come in, at any hour, to fill a prescription. She was shocked and asked what town that was. She told me her husband was worried that she gave me her cell number. We laughed about that. Seriously, that is funny when you think about it. But, that tells you what kind of a doctor she is. Wonderful. I feel like she should be my doctor - no, she is my doctor. Dr. Glaspy has been absent. When she was given my lab results she came over talked to me and told me we could lower the Carboplatin on chemo #6 because I was on a very high dose that could be reduced 20 percent. I'm all for it. She made me laugh, too. She is just a well-rounded doctor. I love her. Tomorrow, more fluids at Porter Ranch. I'm glad for this as I didn't urinate much, even, after the IV today. As a result I had more pain while urinating tonight.

 

No work tomorrow and I will call off Wednesday, as well. I don't mind. I really need a break from there, especially, now.

 

There is a great line from a 1963 movie, "In the Cool of the Day" with Jane Fonda and Angela Lansbury; Jane Fonda's character is talking to Angela Lansbury's character - they don't know each other well and Lansbury is scarred on her face. She doesn't go anywhere because she doesn't like being stared at or pitied. Fonda replies that she used to feel that way all the time when she was ill but then "learned that most of the time people don't really care enough to pity us". That's it in a nutshell, isn't it. I felt, oddly, validated by that line in this movie. That is was delivered by a young and beautiful Jane Fonda was a bonus. Not that I was feeling 'uncared' for today - quite the contrary. My friend at the VA that couldn't be my friend, not so long ago, has been a very good friend. He texted me this morning and asked if I was alright and told me to take care of me. Over the last couple of weeks he has been a very good friend, after all. I'll take it. My friend, Scott, texted today, as well. He never waivers from being my good friend. And, Joe - very good to me today. I hate that he will be leaving again in less than 10 days for 5 weeks. I will miss him. In fact, I miss him already. He's had too much work to tend to on the plane since his return. I hope we see something of him before he leaves.

 

My school assignment for week one of this new class was a bear. It's quite possible that I made it more difficult than it was. I'm having to read and reread to comprehend. I, swear, there are times it's like reading a foreign language! I have to walk away and come back another time and try to comprehend again.

 

With so many sleepless night in my rear window I decided to take a pain pill prescribed by the beloved Dr. Schmit after my surgery and a valium. I want a decent few hours of sleep tonight.

 



ARE WE THERE YET?

ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

 

It's Sunday and I am exactly in the middle between chemo #5 and chemo #6. I will be going to Porter Ranch tomorrow to have fluids run through my veins. Dr. Cohen put me on an antibiotic yesterday. It's been a rough few days leading up to this.

 

Thursday, at work, I noticed I was developing a sore throat and sinus congestion. The stress at work, that day, didn't help. There is a female that works in IPC mailroom. She has been at the VA for over 20 years and she is hearing impaired. She doesn't get much work done as she verbally assaults anyone in sight. Not only does she verbally assault people but her chosen words are vulgar and offensive. She represents the worst kind of hood rat. She attacks the other hearing impaired, her coaches, and co-workers. She is, especially, animated behind their backs. Whenever she has an issue -whether real or imagined- she has been permitted to jump the chain of command and skip proper procedures. She goes to the VSO or Assistant Director and both jump for her. I know she has been counseled in the past but, she railed so long and so loud and attacked the woman that had placed a grievance against her (yea, confidentiality?) in front of the rest of IPC that no one has counseled her since. She will stand in our part of IPC and verbally slander people in the other part of IPC and vice-versa. She disregards authority and often will tell the coaches that they are inferior to her and she doesn't have to listen to anything they say. She marches to the beat of her own drum. Which means she doesn't get any work done. The coach is out for 2 weeks and our new assistant coach has been sick. So, she is out of control. She thinks she can train people thanks to the coach putting her in to do as much (should somebody tell her he wasn't doing it because she's so great but, rather, because he wanted her out of IPC for awhile?). People groan when they know she is going to be training them. She isn't equipped. Hearing impaired, aside, she doesn't pass information or instruction effectively and people leave the session more confused (and angry) than they were before. She should be removed from this position (which is supposed to be one of service to other VA employees) and reprimanded. If she can't behave professionally then she should be removed. She is a disruption to everyone around her, all the time. I, being on the 4th floor, don't hear her as much as I did before but, I have a major grievance. She and one of the VSOs crossed a line on Thursday. I don't see any of the new VSOs doing what this one did - and she's been there a long time just as Allison has. I suppose that's the problem. They have both been there since high school - no college education and they think they are exempt from professionalism and proper procedures. We'll see - I'm not going to be in chemo forever and I, do, know how to get things done using the proper channels. We have a new director and from what I see, so far, he is the ultimate professional and believes strongly in chain of command.

 

When I went into work on Friday I wasn't feel very well. My head cold was in full swing and I had a headache. Two hours in and I started to feel body aches. I went to the nurse on 7 and asked her to take my temperature. It was 99.7. She gave me Tylenol and sent me on my way. Back on 4 I called the doctor's office in Porter Ranch and talked to my nurse, Collette. She advised that I take it again in a couple of hours and if it got to 100.4 that I would have to call Dr. Glaspy's Westwood office and let him advise me from there. We agreed I needed to go home. I left work at 0830 and did just that. I spent the rest of the day drinking water, napping and taking my temperature. It hovered around 99.7 all day and night. The next morning it climbed to 100.2. It stayed there for 4 hours. I felt neurotic waiting for it to tip over or recede. Natalia had suggested, a few days before, that we go on the WB studio tour. I asked if she still wanted to go. So, we did. I wasn't feeling great, naturally, but I wanted the distraction. I took Tylenol and Sudafed and away we went. We rode in golf cart bus type thing and tooled around the studio. After the tour I drove aimlessly. We had been in this area of Burbank before and so I just drove in a direction that seemed right. Inadvertently, we discovered the Los Angeles Equestrian Center! I pulled in and drove, slowly, along the road until it stopped. There, to our right, were horses! Just outside the little shack and fencing was a sign for trail rides. I asked Nat if she wanted to ride. She was shocked "right now? Really?" Her phone didn't have much life left and she wanted to be able to video and photograph her trail ride. I, still, wasn't feeling well, anyway. So, we opted to go in and get the information about the trail rides and ask if we could see the horses. Yes, we were free to see and feed the horses! I don't know how long we were there but we went through a bucket of carrots and by the time we left my fever had broken. I know that sounds crazy, but, I am not joking. My fever was gone after I played with the horses! -And it didn't come back.

 

Sunday, Nat and I went to church. At this point I was feeling fatigue and a bit of a cold but, nothing overwhelming. It was good to be there and to see everyone. We had a guest speaker, T.J. White man with a message. He played the piano and sang a song before delivering the best sermon I have ever heard. His message of a loving, kind and wonderful God was music to my ears. He was a powerful speaker and I appreciated his message. I am hoping he was recorded so I can buy a CD. I want to hear it again. By Sunday afternoon I was not feeling well at all. I had pain while urinating and blood in my urine. I took my temperature and it was, still, normal. I called the office and Dr. Cohen was on call. We talked about going back to Dr. Sender (I have a cystoscopy on Tuesday) and getting more fluids in me. I told her about my recent fever and she immediately prescribed an antibiotic to cover whatever is going on. I feel like I can't call Dr. Glaspy my doctor when it's been Dr. Cohen that has treated me for almost all of it.

 

I haven't been able to sleep through the night since 5 days after chemo. I always sleep like a rock once the pain from chemo subsides. This time the restful nights added up to 2 and then back to sleeplessness.

 

I won't be going to work for the next 2 days. I'm okay with that. I miss some of the people that I work with when I'm not there and I miss the work. I don't miss the lack of professionalism and leadership. I am glad to be appointed as trainer to the CAs. I take that seriously. No one can be expected to do their job completely without training. I have had one training session and it went very well. Although, I wasn't there on Friday to train, I completed the agenda and the training materials for all the CAs so they have them on their computer and can access them from a centralized location on one of the drives. Going back to work on Wednesday should be plenty of time for me to get the documents done for the upcoming training session. I won't be giving the class but the documents will be thorough enough for the one who is training as well as the ones who will be given the training.

 

One BIG component missing from people within the VA? BALLS. When the female from IPC mailroom rears her disgusting head someone should tell her to shut up. That's it. Just say those two words to her, "shut up". Seems odd that no one has in all the years she's been there, right? And there lies a big problem in the VA Los Angeles. Leadership and professionalism.

Nat and I on the WB Backlot tour. She was given a shell casing as a souvenir. They were recording sound for an upcoming video game.

Central Perk!

The horses that cured my fever!