Embarrassing? Yes!

I saw the GYN doctor today- not the one I was scheduled to see (that was cancelled by UCLA) and after getting a bit pissed off took the appointment to see Dr. Steven Yu in Santa Monica. I was agitated, from the 2 hour road trip in bumper-to-bumper traffic, when I arrived but, really, became heated when the woman in front of me took my appointment because she was a half-hour late! I made my appointment on time, through hellacious traffic and I want my appointment, as scheduled, I told the desk jockey! She looked at her computer and said "oh, you're next" and walked away. When the nurse told me my blood pressure was 110/70 I told her I was surprised since I was so angry and I told her why. She hustled me to another nurse and, then, into the doctors office. I sat across the desk from him as he asked about my situation with breast cancer treatment. He understood everything and what he needs to do to watch for potential side-effects of tamoxefin. Then, I told him about my destructive behavior. I started crying and told him that the cancer  made me desperate and scared; the things I do put me in danger but i do it because of the emptiness and intense loneliness- abandonment I feel from Joe. The doctor was very nice and he expressed his concern. We went to an exam room and he did the Pap smear and general exam. We went back into the office and he asked a few more questions about my self-destruction. He seemed disturbed by what I told him; the catalyst and actions. And by disturbed I mean he didn't like the way I have been neglected and the state of mind that has put me in. He gave me the name and number of a woman doctor he wants me to see. He told me to call her soon so she can be my ground zero. He told me she would set me up with a psychologist as well as other resources. He came around the desk and took my hand in both of his and said if there was anything I needed, to call him. I left feeling like a huge burden had been lifted. I drove to Porter Ranch in time for my echocardiogram. I called the referred doctor and am waiting for an appointment to be scheduled. Something is changing inside of me. I feel it even though I can't articulate it. The last few weeks have been draining, mentally, and I'm exhausted. 

Natalia went hiking with me after I picked her up from school. I needed it- she did too. 

School is looming-should I resume?

My FMLA runs out in a couple weeks and I may be housebound for the next 5 months. That might be a very good thing all things considered. But, it will be tough paying the bills. 

MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE THE INSIDE OF MY PURSE LOOKS....

SCRAMBLED

 

      I expected to be, rather, clear-headed by now. I remember thinking about the changes I was about to go through as I entered into cancer treatment. I felt, at the time, that I would experience a life-changing journey. I predicted that I would find myself and strengthen my connection to God - perhaps, find Him on a different channel than ever before. I don't know what changes I've undertaken at this point. But, I looked at the chaos in my purse as I dug for something I couldn't find (I never can in this bag) and felt a kinship. I said to myself, I never find anything in here - I should organize, again. Then, I realized that the contents of my bag are a mirror image of the contents of my brain. I, actually, had an organized purse for, about, a month and I wasn't comfortable with it so, I came back to this one. That's my mind and thoughts - tossed pieces of life; torn pieces of paper, partial packs of gum, pictures, mementos, notebook but no pen, loose change, keys, tissue, and lip balm. All symbolize something in my life bouncing around my brain. I'm unsettled and I don't like the feeling. I don't have direction and I'm not sure about anything. I want to leave my job and, yet, I put in for a promotional job change. I want to move, yet, I'm bringing more of myself into this house. I feel like there is no future with Joe, yet, I work overtime to love him. I don't care if my friends at work give me the time of day, yet, I reach out to them whenever I am there. I want to get my master's and move on but, I'm, seriously, thinking about withdrawing completely. I am SCRAMBLED!!

 

     On to  other news; Natalia and I ran the Turkey Trot in LA on Thanksgiving morning. We, almost, didn't make it. I had to shake Natalia awake and she was slow getting moving. I went to the car and waited. As time ticked I got pissed off. I texted her and then, called her to hurry up. After a few minutes I went into full blown rage. I called her and screamed over the phone for her to hurry up or stay home. She told me to go. I flipped! I yelled that she and Joe should have been up before me, encouraging me and helping me helping me get ready for, what I considered, the biggest milestone in my life. But, instead, I had to force Natalia into it and Joe slept. I wanted to cry but I was more angry than anything. Eventually, Natalia came out to the car and had to listen to me rant a while longer. Then, we get to LA and the road is blocked leading to the parking garage for which I pre-paid! I had to find another place to park and when I landed in the garage under the Cathedral I realized I left my wallet at home! I started crying! Then, I cried harder and grabbed my head - what the fuck is wrong with me??!! My daughter was telling me that it was okay, "we'll call Joe and he can bring your wallet". I kept saying, over and over, "but, I can't pay for parking! My wallet isn't in my purse" I banged on the steering wheel and cried, "this meant so much to me!" and cried uncontrollably. Natalia's voice seeped in through cracks here and there and, eventually, I stopped crying. I called Joe and he said I sounded like I wasn't okay. I was so upset I was shaking and I couldn't put my words together sensibly. But, he figured it out; I needed my wallet. He said he would bring it down. We had a few minutes before the start of the race and we moved in the direction that we saw others moving. We found it in time. I had a full bladder but it was too late to do anything about it. When the race started I told Natalia to go at her speed and don't worry about me. We marked a meeting place and off we went. The first leg of the race was uphill! Uphill three or four turns! I didn't stop and I didn't walk. I pushed through the familiar burn in my lungs and pain in my legs. At the top of the incline we turned right and looped back to, now, go down hill. I ran! No pain, no burn. the rest of the course was level through the streets of a deserted LA. I never stopped and I never walked. When I crossed the finish line, I cried. I didn't think about what anyone would think. I cried. Natalia crossed soon after me. We ate bananas and drank water. When Joe arrived we met him by the garage. He was very proud of us and told us so. He gave me money for the garage and, then, thought differently of leaving us and got in the car and directed me to a gas station, He filled my tank and we took him to his car. He was very sweet. We went to his mother's for Thanksgiving dinner. I was so tired all I wanted to do was sleep but, the food was delicious. I ate too much.

    I have talked to Natalia about my melt-down and apologized. She said that when I get like that it scares her. I don't want to scare her. I feel terrible. These sort of melt-downs happen more frequently than I care to admit. To be fair, not all of it is something that started recently. I have PTSD and outbursts are not uncommon - it's just, this is a whole, deeper, darker place. I can compare it to the crazy years after head trauma and before successful treatment. I was not myself, then, either.

    I am focused on my exercise. It is the most important thing to me, right now. Running and hiking. When I can do both in the same day, I do. It's what keeps what's left of my sanity in tact.



More info from another doctor

Last Thursday I arrived at oncology Porter Ranch for my infusion and was told Dr. Glaspy was not in but, he had a stand-in; Dr. Berkowitz. Very nice and easy to talk to. He engaged me in conversation for as long as I had something to say - I love him! Lol. We talked about my hair; what I have now is baby hair. New hair - more course and thick- is coming but, I'm still early on all of this, he yells me. I told him I was jogging and we talked about compression clothing and shoes :) I told him that it was so difficult at first but, that I was doing much better and my fatigue and joint pain is lessening. He confirmed that this type of exercise is the best defense for me. He, also, confirmed that this Cancer isn't coming back! Then, he asked who didy surgery....he knows Dr. Schmit! We talked about him for a while, too! That made me so happy that he knows him as well as he does and they refer patients to each other. He suggested acupuncture for the hot flashes and mood swings if they become unmanageable. I like that! 

I've been hiking and jogging every chance I get. I'm getting stronger every day! Today, I jogged without my knee compression bands and it was fine! My best run to date, in fact!

I think the nails that are going to fall off have done so and today I had acrylics put on at Ocean nail salon in Stevenson Ranch. Kim did a WONDERFUL and BEAUTIFUL job!!! 

My Saturn is, finally, on the road!!! Joe did all the things to finish getting it road ready after the mechanic was done with it. Then, took it over and replaced two of the tires. :) that was very nice of him! Things between us are very good right now and I am enjoying it while it is so.

I'm applying for a promotion job at the VA- I must be crazy.

I'm thinking about switching schools to finish my masters. The last instructor was so horrible I want to not go back to Ashford. 

I'm hoping I can return to work full time after Christmas.

Stronger

The jogging is going well. Every day I don't work I can get about 4.9 miles in. Some days are harder than others but it's usually because I started too late in the day or didn't get enough sleep. I bought long pants and compression shirt for the cool weather. I feel like I jiggle too much in these pants, though. 

I am adding hiking to my exercise routine.    Nat and I hiked the Towsley Canyon (one of the trails) while I was in chemo and it was slow going but it's a little easier now. 

Lenny went with me on Veterans Day. I haven't been treated so kindly in years. He helped me up the rough spots and when I stopped to catch my breath he told me he had to catch his, too-he didn't but he was being encouraging. He was concerned that I was walking too close to the edge as we came down. Nice conversation - NORMAL conversation! I have not had a normal, pleasant conversation in years. I don't expect Lenny to know how much these things he does mean to me but, they mean so much. Kindness and caring- the cornerstones to recovery. 

Natalia and I hiked the following day after work/school and we nearly made it to the top but the sun was setting so we came down. It turned dark before we were half-way down and I slid down on my ass in a couple places but, when we could, we hugged each other as we walked. When we couldn't hug, we held hands. She was scared and she knew I would protect her and get her to the car safely. I'll cherish that memory forever - both hiking memories.

Yesterday, before my jog, I tried to have a conversation with Joe and it went south quickly. Then, it turned ugly as he said he couldn't be affectionate because of my fat; he doesn't know how to be with someone fat. And it didn't get better after that. I don't know why I try. I hate living like this. We can't talk like normal people. I went jogging after our discussion and came home and cleared some vines from the side fence. Still upset, I walked to Towsley Canyon and walked a different trail. I cried most of the two miles up. So much ending in my life. Moving into another stage and it makes me sad. Joe has made me very sad. My hair isn't growing back fast enough. My nails falling off makes me sad. My life makes me sad and so, I cried. I cried uncontrollably at one point but I kept moving. At the turn-around I stopped crying. I came home and showered and went to bed. The depression is challenging right now and I don't know what to do. I start therapy at some point but I don't remember the date. 

I want this to all be a memory, already- all of it.

...and downward, roller coaster

THE BIG DIPPER; MOOD

I'm in the car with Joe and Natalia heading to Joe's mother's apartment in Riverside. It's her birthday. I'm surprised he asked us to go. I bought her a book, bookmarks, cards and a scrumptious pumpkin spice bundt cake from "Everything bundt Cake" in Valencia. I jumped at the mini road trip.

My mood has continued on its steady decline. I'm crying and isolating more. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. My nails (what's left of them) are atrocious. I didn't jog for two days because I injured my foot; I dropped the solid oak table on it this past Friday. I was feeling good after my run; my pace was faster and breathing easier. I cleaned the kitchen and decided to swap two heavy tables- that didn't go so well. The pain was so intense that I couldn't breathe! Then, I started crying at the thought of telling Joe that I broke his table (I heard a 'crack'). I wasn't worried he would be angry but that he would give me the usual head shake and some comment meant to make me feel small, stupid, and useless. He was reluctant to look at my foot when I asked him to help me determine if it was broken. He was not interested and, in fact, was annoyed. When I started crying and apologized about the table (it wasn't broken) he told me he's used to me breaking things-without looking up from his  computer. I can't try any more. I'm so exhausted from trying to communicate and drained from trying to always be upbeat and not talk about cancer and treatment. I give up.

I made an appointment for UCLA OB/GYN so we can start tracking my uterus for the duration of tamoxefin. I have to tell them how wreck less I've been, too. I haven't said anything to anybody about my wreck less behaviors except my journal. It's time to tell a doctor and go from there. That scares me a little bit. 

I'll work 2 days this week- hallelujah!

That's me in uniform. Happy veteran's day.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!!

YES, I DRESSED AS "DAY OF THE DEAD"

 

Not to be morbid but, to embrace the spirit of the Day of the Dead. I, personally, love the celebration between the living and the dead. Sugar skulls are awesome, too. I tried my own make-up; not to bad for the first attempt but, the decorations on my face were too thick and  heavy. I would have done better using eyeliner and liquid eye shadow. But, I didn't think of that at the time!

I have celebrated Halloween like I've never celebrated in my life! I don't know if I'm subconsciously 'living life to the fullest' or developing a 'newfound appreciation for life' as my psychiatrist at the VA seems to believe patients with cancer do. I, just, know that I wanted to experience Halloween in all the ways I had wished I could for years.

My nails are falling off :(. Not the ones that turned colors but the other nails...confusing. But, they snag or catch on something and the are ripped off like a bad stick-on! My left thumb nail came off,  in its entirety, this morning; I was drying off after a shower - I'm not sure what I did but felt a little pain and looked; my nail was hanging on by a thread of skin. So, I used nail scissors and snipped it off. I painted that nail with a pink ribbon last night. That's 3, so far. Time to get creative with band aids. 

No cure for the sugar cravings. I'm told it's something I have to deal with that has nothing to do with treatment. I'll ask Dr. Glaspy at my next infusion.

 

My jogging is going well. I haven't lost an ounce and I can't say that my appearance has changed a smidge but I FEEL great! My joint pain in my hips is minimal and I feel stronger every day!

 

I had my Herceptin infusion last Thursday and got a fist pump from Dr. Glaspy when I told him I was jogging, again. In and out. I was a little disturbed that the woman in the next chair said her hair growth was just about 2 and one half month. She had a lot of hair. I overheard her husband talking about the ice cap. She didn't mention it to me when Dr. Glaspy told me to look at her hair and tell me I was right behind her. I tried not to be offended when he turned away from me, after a very brief question and answer session, to engage the others in a conversation. I should take it as a good sign, I suppose, that I don't need much attention. 

Until next time...

GIVING BACK

 

MY FIRST WALK FOR BREAST CANCER

 

I joined the American Cancer Society for their "Making Strides" walk for breast cancer in Santa Monica (5k) this past Saturday. I went by myself and donated $100. I met other survivors and friends/family of survivors. I was hugged, randomly :) and had a great time! What better view than the one to be had along the Santa Monica beaches? The sun was shining, people playing beach volleyball while others were playing roller hockey in the parking lot and lots of people jogging and riding bikes as we became a sea of pink swarming along the oceanfront. I felt good and finished in the front of the pack. :)

 

I was interviewed by a very sweet young woman, Kelly, for her CSU project. She filmed me as she asked questions and then hugged me and told me I was an inspiration.

 

I don't know what the numbers are for the event; people attended, money collected, etc. I know that one group contributed $70,000! Amazing!

 

 

I am jogging 3 to 4 times a week, now and doing well! I am so proud of myself! I can jog the entire path that I mapped out for myself. I don't stop. Yesterday, I, even, made it up the small hill on Wylie Canyon (where it connects to Calgrove). I feel that I need to master this loop before going to a longer distance but, I have the extra miles, already, mapped out. I feel good when I am jogging (no more crying from pain) and I feel great when I am done!

 

I have sugar cravings like I have never had before!! I don't know where it is coming from or why. I'll as the nurses and Dr. Glaspy about it when I see him on Thursday. The cravings are unbelievably strong!

 

Yesterday, after church, Natalia suggested we go to the Grove for lunch. I was tired and had school work due but, from past experiences, I know Natalia's suggestions turn out to be something great! I don't know how to illustrate the awesome relationship we have. I wish I could share her Snapchat stories - for me, as well as, everyone else to see. We have a great relationship that includes loving, learning and laughing. The 3 most important aspects of being a mom. Natalia is a wonderful person; she's mature, intelligent, respectful, caring and has a great wit! I love spending time with her and am sad as she breaks away more and more to her independence. But, that's the life cycle, right?

 

I was upset a couple of nights ago because Joe has been standoffish lately (no more than usual but he had warmed up a bit). He explained that he is distracted by work and trying to master the stock market, family issues, and my health. He doesn't want to be intimate because it will make me "sick". I told him he either has someone else or he is, just, repulsed by me. He said, neither. The following day I apologized to him for having the discussion and told him I understood why he didn't want to be close to me - it must be very difficult for someone like him to love me the way I am, now.

 

I finished the last class with a D. Yes, a D. The instructor refused to grade my late assignment and gave me a zero. Wanda Fernandopulle is her name I am hopeful that she will be removed. She is tarnishing the, otherwise, awesome image of Ashford University Online studies. Several of the students have reported her for a variety of issues. For instance; she told the class to submit their final project (20 points) via the 'dropbox'  not 'waypoint' and if we failed to submit to the correct location we would receive a 'zero' (she like giving zeros). She advised us to contact our tech team if we had problems with the dropbox. I noticed that I didn't have a dropbox so, I contacted tech via instant messaging and was advised to tell the instructor that she didn't order the dropbox for students, therefore, it isn't possible for us to use it. I copied the thread and sent it to the class and the instructor. She, immediately, sent an email out saying that we were to submit our final via 'waypoint' as 'we always had' - as if she never said the work dropbox! LOL Al Gore wannabe (although, his word was 'lockbox'). She low-balled my final and I passed with a D. It's going to take some work to build my GPA back up from that one D.

 

Well, I'm off to jog :)

 

Smooth sailing...mostly

 

Just thought I'd start off with this picture! All month there are breast cancer awareness events going on everywhere! I never noticed before just how much of breast cancer awareness events there are! It's great! I went to Macy's a week and a half ago to refill my body lotion at the Philosophy counter at Macy's and everything was pink! They were giving facials and make-overs at all the counters, there was nail painting, face painting, a 'selfie' wall with a huge pink ribbon (that's the picture above) and complimentary pink hats, scarves, glasses, etc. I was asked if I was a breast cancer patient (the scarf I was wearing - it doesn't fool anyone; people are simply kind enough to act like they don't notice) at the counter as I was asking for my lotion. The ladies were very nice and offered a facial. Of course!! I bought several of the Philosophy products after the facial and skin analysis. I explained that the chemo and neulasta made a mess of my skin and I was 'winging' it to get it restored. She introduced me to some products and my skin is looking good!! I'll take a better picture for my next blog but, I am seeing great results from these products (mostly all samples = free!)Purity made simple facial cleanser, the microdelivery vitamin C/peptide peel, miracle worker retinoid pads/solution, miracle worker day cream and night cream, full of promise treatment duo, full of promise for eyes. It sounds like a lot but, it's a simple routine to get used to. My face is thanking me for it!

 

Nannette Maurizio painted a beautiful pink ribbon on my left ring fingernail. I kept it for a week and changed the nail polish on every other nail. :)

 

I picked up a pair of boots on sale (great sale), too. Dr. Glaspy said the swelling is, still, from the Taxotere and it may be here a few months longer. So, I want to wear dresses, therefore, I need a boot to cover the swelling.

 

I cut bangs into my wig to hide the rippling of the mesh cap. The wig is stretching a bit and the rippling at the front of the wig is getting ridiculous, I tried eyelash glue to hold it down and that didn't work. So, bangs! I like it and Natalia said it look more natural this way. I wash my wig in a large bowl and then blow dry it on my head - like my real hair. That way I get the style exactly the way I want it.

 

My ring finger nails are blackening but, so far, I've been able to hang on to them. The middle toenail of my left foot is doing the same. My eyelashes are just about gone! How about that?! The hair everywhere else is coming back with a vengeance but the eyelashes are falling out. I picked up a gel eyeliner at CVS and it looks fine. My eyebrows are coming in crazy, though! LOL. Oh well my glasses hide some of that.

 

I'm still pretty tired after a day of work. Today, I cam home and ate something and went to bed. I was awakened by the telephone and here I am on the blog. I needed to catch up, anyway.

 

I have been on a few more jogs and the last one, Monday, was 2 miles non-stop!!!!! The entire trek was 4 miles. I am so excited!! I use my water bottle, while it's full, to do arm exercises as if it were a hand weight and I feel it! The knee braces that I bought after my first jog are working great. NO more crying!!! The pain is almost non-existent when I jog. I have a couple of great apps on my phone to help me; "Withings" monitors my steps, distance, exercise and weight while the podcast "JogTunes Indie Broadcast" guides my jog. I am loving them both!

 

 

I am craving the sweets, though! My gosh, I have never had cravings like this! I could eat pastries, chocolate and candy all day long! I am really having to watch myself!! I haven't gained any more weight and I have seen a 5 pound weight loss over night because of the swelling going down while I sleep. Shocking!

 

Work is going well and my friend Lenny is the light of my life, right now. Very sweet and kind. I can't tell you how good it feels to have him a part of my everyday. Cancer scared him away for a minute but, he has come around and thank God he has. I try to imagine my days without him and I shake the thoughts free. How gloomy and lonely I would be.

And there are my other friends Darlene and Scott; always helping me through every day!!!!!!! God bless them for blessing me!

 

Joe is doing well. He went to Indianapolis for a week- work related. He, still, rides me to work and picks me up everyday. The Saturn needs a head. No telling when it will be ready.

 

I had a minor melt down yesterday before work. I was running a little late and couldn't remember where I put the car keys. Joe had stepped outside and I was calling for him to help me look and he wasn't responding. I started emptying my purse and crying when Natalia came downstairs and saw me throw my purse on the floor and yell at it. I was so frustrated with my memory loss. She texted Joe and he came in and helped me find the key. He, then, helped me shove everything back in my purse. I was, still, crying when he walked out to start the car. When I stood up Natalia hugged me and told me it was going to be alright, "everything is going to be fine; you'll get to work and I'll get to school and everything will be okay". How sweet is she?? The rest of my day was much of the same - I felt befuddled and forgetful all day. Today was completely different. I had one brain malfunction when trying to think of the restaurant "Subway". I kept saying the sub place but could not remember "Subway"! Darlene helped me out, though. And, since it was during a team huddle she let everyone know it was "chemo brain". God love her!

 

The pictures! The beautiful view of the boat slips is in Long Beach - right beside the Queen Mary. Ethel was speaking before a women's conference from a local church and a bunch of the ladies from New Zion went to support her. Wow! She was fantastic. I wish everyone who is just finding out that they have breast cancer could hear her testimony!! Very powerful and relatable! The others are of the Queen Mary Dark Harbor event. Lots of scary mazes and creatures and fun! Michael Jackson's swing ride from Neverland Ranch was there, too. The band and DJ were awesome, as well. It was great fun even though Natalia is getting a little bored going to these things with me and she would rather go with her friends. She is a good sport and I am going to squeeze every minute of time with in that I can before she flees. :(

 



 

Herceptin is NOT chemotherapy

 

 

THAT'S IT? THAT WAS CHEMO?

 

I have to clarify because I can't believe it myself. I was under the impression that I was going to be in "chemo" for a year. But, as Dr. Glaspy informed me yesterday; chemo is over! I went in to have my Herceptin infusion and, afterwards, visit with the doctor. He came into the exam room and after asking how I was doing said "how's it feel to be done with chemo?". I said, "great!, but...Herceptin isn't chemo?" and that's when he told me that it wasn't a chemotherapy drug and that's why my hair is growing back, my skin looks better and I am not having the harsh side-effects that I was having before. Herceptin is a monoclonal antibody. The pill, Tamoxifen, is a hormone drug. Chemo is done. When I left the office and walked to Ralphs I, just, kept saying that was chemo? Chemo is over? If I had understood that when I had had my last infusion I would have made a bigger deal of it being over!! We discussed, briefly, my ankles and feet; they are swollen beyond recognition most of the time. Dr. Glaspy said they were "Taxotere ankles" and that they would return to normal in a few months. He knows that they can be pain painful but assures me it's all expected.

 

I went on my 2nd run (if you can call it that) today. I was able to jog a little farther today than I did the last time. It started out like the first run and I cried a little bit from the pain and sluggishness of my body. But, it passed quickly - thank you, Marshall Mathers. The knee braces that I purchased after the last run work great! My knees did not hurt during or after the run. I snapped a picture of Puppy as she greeted me home.

 

 

My hair is growing back, noticeably, now. I am including a picture of my head and my right breast. The scars are healing nicely - the incision made by Dr. Schmit to remove the tumor has healed to, near, obscurity. As has the incision he made to remove the lymph node. The incision made by Dr. Demanes is not as obscure; the small cut is obvious. But, there were no stitches to close the wound when the SAVI was removed so, the healing has been different. There, also, appears to be tiny poc marks on the skin of the breast around the area of the SAVI. I don't know what that is but, Dr. Schmit didn't take note of it so it must be okay.

 

I am on an abbreviated work schedule, now. Monday and Friday off so I am able to rest. In fact, I'm ready for a nap right now! Whew! I am so tired all the time.

 



 

 

 

LEGS

Darn the SWELLING 

I stayed home from work today because of the swelling below the knees. I didn't plan on taking off, though. 

I attended a dinner at Lucille's smokehouse at Valencia mall last night. When I got home my knees, calves, ankles and feet were swollen beyond belief. I had Hagrid legs. I, still, intended to go to work. My alarm did not got off at 0420 as it was supposed to. Joe woke me up at 0520 and asked if I was taking the day off. I said, "no" and jumped out of bed. I felt the pinch in my toes and sat on the bed. My feet and ankles were very swollen. I called off and went downstairs for tea. I talked to a coworker about a problem he was having at work and then I went back to bed. Hours later most of the swelling had gone down. I kept my feet up on the recliner and worked on school assignments (I am so far behind). 

Later in the evening I removed my nail polish and noticed my middle finger is about to lose the nail. I could feel that it was lifting around the edges but the visual confirmed it; the nail is cloudy white like the part that grows out of the nail bed. the left ring finger nail is discolored. My toe nails are okay.

I was able to stay on the elliptical for 30 minutes while watching Gotham on TV. I am happy with that after the way I felt Sunday night. Natalia and I went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios and by the time we left to come home I, seriously, thought I would need help getting to the car; my hips and joints at the top of my legs hurt so badly I wanted to cry. I had to walk slowly all night and I hope that it wasn't obvious to Nat or anyone else. I told her that my joints were hurting and I needed to walk slow but I didn't want to put a damper on the evening. Sitting didn't help. I prayed to make it to the car. One foot in front of the other. Once home I went straight to bed. The pain was worth it to have that experience with my daughter. We have wanted to be a part of the Walking Dead mazes for years!! Another check on my bucket list.

Monday, I filled out the requested forms that will change my full time status to part time; I typed a letter to the VSO manager, O'Meara, filled out a SF71 (of which makes no sense to me) and the VA form to change status. That, with the letter from the doctor, goes forward for approval. There are others working part time due to health restraints so, there should be no problem. Lenny has been great at work. Completely, lifts my spirits. The last batch of new VSRs have returned from Baltimore and I have reconnected with the few that I had established relationships with...all good!! 

Chemo on Thursday. 

Still no word on my car. 

STUFF...

Sometimes there is no better way to say it...stuff:

     I DID get to the garage, after all. What an intimidating task! But, I played Madonna's "Die Another Day" mix on the CD player and went to work. I managed to re-pack, stack, move, remove, unpack, throw away, and sort for 3 hours. I needed help getting the head board and foot board up the steps (I'm going to paint them white and use them in my room). I asked Joe to help with the side rails as spiders had taken up residence all around. He obliged without a complaint. He looked all around the garage for the other side rail and, nothing! Hopefully, it's in storage.
     I felt fine at the end of the day. A little sore in my lower back - I have had trouble with this part of my back since starting chemo and, now, with the Tamoxifen, it's, likely, not going away.

     It dawned on me, yesterday, that I should have been keeping a written account of my weight and blood pressure. My weight dropped steadily from my first visit to Dr. Schmit through my first 2 rounds of chemo. Then, it slowed and steadied until the first run to the emergency room, at which, time my weight plummeted 10 pounds. Throughout the other 4 rounds of the cocktail chemo my weight bounced around those last 10 pounds. Since starting my treatment of Herceptin, only, with the Tamoxifen pill my weight has held steady; 20 pounds down from pre-cancer body. I am 182 pounds. I have had battled Hashimotos Hypothyroidism for about 14 years and struggled to control my weight. I lost weight, in the past, by eating, almost, nothing and exercising 3 to 4 hours a day. I could maintain that plan because I was living, alone, with Natalia and working for the newspaper, freelance. I dropped her off at school and went for a brisk 2-hour walk along the waterfront in Washington, North Carolina. I picked her up from school and worked out on the Total Gym for 2 hours. We ate salmon for dinner and fruit as a snack. I cut out anything and everything with sugar - that eliminated much! I tried adding palates after dinner and fell asleep positioning for the plank maneuver. I laugh at that memory. But, with all of that I was the weight I am now. When Natalia and I moved here I started jogging around Lake Balboa every day after dropping her off at school. I dropped another 10 pounds. Then, I went back to school - Pierce College. My exercising took a back seat and, by then, Joe was driving me crazy with criticism. He has always told me I am beautiful but, he was, excessively, pointing out every flaw, real or imagined. Poking, pinching and constantly obsessing about my weight, "when am I gonna see the girl I met in 1979?", he would say. It got to be too much. I shut down, all together. I, guess, I felt if what I'm doing isn't enough why am I working so hard? Needless to say I regained the weight. When I finished school (2, great, years at Pierce and 2 online with Ashford University) I went to work at the VA as Non Paid Work Experience through Voc Rehab (Part of the Chapter 31 that I went to school under). I, almost, didn't take it because I felt so horrible about how I looked. And I did look bad! I felt so bad about myself because of being so ripped apart emotionally that it began to turn my appearance into something terrible. I didn't have any clothes to wear to work except for 2 outfits I managed to buy for myself when I worked as an Inspector at the voting polls. Otherwise, I hadn't bought anything for myself in years - nothing that I had from my newspaper days fit. I was embarrassed but, I went to work. No make-up, my hair - oh my hair! It was down to my waist and I asked Natalia to cut it to my shoulders...she did and then I chopped at the bangs and sides..it was sooooo horrible! But, I went as a NPWE, getting paid a stipend, only, and hoped I could go unnoticed.
     Anyway, my weight is an issue! After all that blabbering, I just did!
     My blood pressure has been high and low. With weight gain it's higher. Working at the VA, it is higher. When I go to a doctor appointment on a day that I don't go to work my blood pressure is, usually, around 125/76. It's been as low as 113/76. On a working day it's, usually, 154/84. The entire time I was off of work it was, consistently, 120-130. When it gets to the 154 range I notice my heart beats laboriously and I have palpitations.
     My feet and ankles swell unbelievable at times. Dr. Glaspy told me they would do that for another few months.
     The hot flashes seem to have amped up a bit with the start of Tamoxifen. I'm less embarrassed by it at work, now. Everyone around me is aware of what I go through. So, when I whip out my hand fan or turn the electric fan on high, everyone knows why.
     I opened the latest issue of US magazine and there is a two-page product plug, 'USbeauty' and all of the items purchased support breast cancer research, mammograms, etc. I love finding things like this! Some of the products look like they have been developed for breast cancer patients, as well; mineral hand cream by Ahava, dry shampoo by Bumble and Bumble (great for those SAVI radiation days if you can't make it to a salon), wrinkle smoothing day crème by Elemis, Jergens cherry-scented lotion in a bottle that last for months (during chemo) and Avon's evening gel-cream packs. I want to try them all. Then, there are the products that, simply, support the cause but don't, really, fit the cancer patient; tweezers (most eyebrows fall out) and nail polish (we have to keep our nails free of polish during chemo to monitor discoloration, etc.). What, really, caught my eye is the rose-gold plated charm on a Swarovski pearl bracelet: refillable fig fragrance beads. Beautiful and reasonably priced at $85. I'll put that on my Christmas wish list. :)
    Church today! I think it's the day we eat, too! I didn't make anything - oh no! I forgot!! Yikes, let me see if there's something in the fridge from the plane I can take.
     Tonight is Universal's Halloween Horror Nights! Can't wait for the Walking Dead maze!!!!!!!! I have wanted to go to this for years!!!! Woo Hoo!!
    

The First Run

SLOW AND STEADY

I went out on my first run today. I wouldn't call it a 'run' as much as a slow jog. I didn't stretch or prepare myself in any special way other than to try putting on the knee sleeves. Fail. The knee sleeve is a great idea but it felt too tight around my thigh so, I opted for nothing. I put on a pair of heavy exercise pants - they fit tight (so no jiggle!), exercise bra and t-shirt. I plugged my ears with earbuds and prepared the outdated iPod with music. I decided months ago, when I was contemplating marathon training, that Eminem would be my music to train by. So, on the ready, was Marshall Mathers LP 2. I didn't have a plan or set path so, I just started jogging once I arrived at Calgrove. I, immediately, felt a burning in my thighs and in my lungs. My breathing was labored and I felt weak. When I turned into a residential area off of Wylie Canyon I started crying. I kept jogging, but I was crying. I swiped at my tears, at first, but, after a while I just let the tears run down my face. My body was hurting and weak. My slow jog was, almost, too much for it. I kept going. I thought about the marathon I promised Adam. I thought about cancer. I thought about my body being so weak. In my ear was "Stronger Than I was". I don't know if I was sobbing loudly or not. I had the music volume up loud enough that I couldn't hear myself. I would stop crying for a while and then cry some more. For 2 miles I cried off and on. I jogged, without stop, for a little over 1 mile. Then, I alternated walking and jogging until I was back home.

After the jog I took some vitamins, drank an Ensure and headed to the Sport Chalet where I bought two types of knee braces. Then, off to CVS for ibuprofen. I wanted to come home and work on the garage but, as I type I am feeling tired. The temperature is going to be around 100 degrees today - maybe higher. When I went out to jog it was, still, cool but by 9:30 it was hot.

I need to chop some greens and make a big batch of green drink for the coming week. The batch from last week didn't last through Friday.

Dr. Glaspy signed a note that I should work a maximum of 24 hours instead of the 40 I have been working. I, really, need the break. I am exhausted all of the time. I hit snooze 3 or 4 times in the morning and find myself needing a nap by the time I arrive to work at 0600. I struggle to get through the work day and have fallen behind in my classwork. I haven't contributed to cleaning house or doing dishes in weeks. I haven't ironed clothes in weeks. My room is in disarray. I, just, don't have energy or strength. I would like to take a leave of absence from work until all of chemo is finished but, I can't afford it. Joe has yet to say to me "you should take off, don't worry, I'll help with the doctor bills and other bills you are burdened with. Your health is more important". Instead, I get "I'm tired, too". Go figure.



A piece of my jog.



And the mammagram says....

NORMAL!

But, I already knew that a few days ago when I received the letter in the mail. Dr. Schmit confirmed as much during my first 6 month post-op check up. It was a good visit, overall. Nothing alarming or irregular to contend with. As a result, there was a lighter mood on my part and the doctor's part. I don't know why my mood began to sink, like the Titanic just before the visit was ended. It has continued to sink and hasn't reached bottom, yet. I looked forward to this appointment, nearly, everyday for six months. It wasn't a let-down; great news, I was remembered (I'm pretty sure), and enjoyable banter...so, why? I'll save my diatribe for my journal - I can analyze myself all day.

Things have been stressful with Joe. I don't know why he has to be so passive aggressive and verbally abusive, at times. Its bad enough when I'm not in treatment...but, now-and, I thought things were going along peacefully? I save that for my pillow, too.

God help me, I feel so sad. So  old, alone and worthless.

Me & Dr. Schmit 

MY DAUGHTER'S WORDS

A BIRTHDAY CARD CLEARS UP EVERYTHING

 

     Natalia gave me 2 birthday cards on my birthday. Joe gave me 3. We ate at Yamatos in Stevenson Ranch. After dinner, we went to the closest pet store and bought a clear, solid, plastic hamster cage for the baby squirrel we rescued the night before. I want to dedicate this blog to my daughter and her words.

     I, often, wondered what she was thinking at any given time, but, especially, now. She isn't always expressive, physically or verbally. I have asked her and we have talked - she's slept in my room, at times, and hugged me spontaneously. But, mostly, she was not forthcoming with thoughts and feelings. I saw signs of discomfort; overeating, sleeping, staying in her room more, running me relentlessly (I would, rarely, tell her 'no' - I knew our outings were, probably, the most important way I could communicate, to her, that I was 'okay') and school grades slipping.

     Two birthday cards told me everything I needed to know. The first one with Gollum on the cover describes our ability to laugh at and with each other over all things. Laughter opened the door for her to learn about my condition and to not be, so, afraid. Her humor and willingness to bring laughter to any situation is good for both of us.

     The second card is very beautiful and sentimental, but, her hand-written words bring an ache to my heart as much as it calms my sadness. She is not cold and unfeeling - taking her cue from Joe - but, rather, unsure what she is supposed to do. Had Joe been a better man to me he would have been a better father to her and she would have seen what it is that a loved one is to do in this situation. These are her words:

 

         

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you so much this has been a rocky 2014 for us all, especially you. I really don't know how you do it! All of it; work, treatment, and still want to do fun activities with me. lol. I don't think anyone realizes how you much you actually go through. I do, to an extant. But really, I would be sleeping and just eating 24/7. You really are an amazing woman mom. I cant tell you how much you mean to me. Without you, I would have nothing...really nothing. You make me want to do better and all that. You're always there for me and always comfort me etc. lol. P.S. How do you put up with me..REALLY.

   I don't "put up" with her. I love her and would give my last breath to save hers. My great fear was that she was learning how to be unfeeling and distant toward me during this troubling time; should I die she will have a horrible time reconciling her emotions - the loss of her mother and her behavior during my run with cancer. I tell her, always, that I know she loves me and that our bond is beyond what can be described with words - I don't want her to regret anything that has to do with me.

    My daughter's words.

 



UPDATE LONG OVERDUE

IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG BETWEEN BLOGS

 



     It has been a stressful couple of weeks since my last blog. Work, car, money, home...way too much stress for me.

     The Saturn is, still, sitting, unused in the driveway. Joe and I have been going to LA to take me to work every day. Then, he returns to Newhall and takes Natalia to school and himself to work. He picks Natalia up after school, come to the Federal building, I drive him back to the Van Nuys airport, get Natalia to showchoir, dance or whatever function she needs to get to then back to the airport to get Joe. I can't get any school work done on time. I'm exhausted. So, why is the Saturn not being driven? Because it didn't pass the smog test. Joe and I split the mechanic's bill to fix something with the spark plug (I don't remember what it was) after the first smog fail and that didn't take care of the problem. The 2nd smog test failed, as well. I spent the last of my paycheck on the first repair. The, nearly, $500 ticket for going through a red light and the $300 registration didn't leave me much to spend on the car. Joe said he was broke, too. He told me that when his income tax return came in, he would use it to get the Explorer, in the garage, fixed...that's not going to happen. He changed his mind. He said he would use part of his return to get the Saturn fixed. I don't know where the tax return is. I'm not surprised. Every man I have ever been with have been anxious to get the bucks for my children and me as deductions but, then, I never see a bloody red cent that they promised. Anyway, the Saturn sits and we run the other one into the ground. I was paid this past Friday and after phone, storage, WorldVision, hospital and doctor bills I have $200 left to put on the car. I'll see if I can pay less on a couple of doctor bills in case the car bill is more than 200. I HAVE to have my car. I have my suspicions about this whole car thing...I'll keep it to myself, for now. 

     Suddenly, Joe is in control of my air conditioner in my room. He's been coming into my room and turning off my A/C and opening the French doors. It wakes me every time. I have a hard time sleeping when I am not cool with the hot flashes and it isn't cool enough outside to satisfy what the A/C can. After he comes into the room I can't fall back to sleep; I am hot and sweating. It's, usually, 3 in the morning before I can doze off. I'm tired before I start the day. The stress at work and the running after work makes me so tired I can't get my homework done nor exercise. Well, I had enough! Last night I locked my door. Joe was so irritated that he began texting me - repeatedly. Then, knocking on the door and calling my name until I woke up and went to the door. He started saying something about the door being locked and the A/C running. I wasn't, quite awake, and I was dumb struck, as well. I heard my phone alert me to another incoming text message but, I ignored it as I stood in the door waiting for Joe to start making sense. Then, he said, "what's going on, you got the door locked and the air conditioning running. I'm beginning to worry about you, what's going on?" All I could say is, "what??"  He was saying it in a way that he was trying to cover himself for being so fricking anal. How dare he come into my space, wake me up in the middle of the night, and decide if I use the A/C or not!!   I am, continuously, amazed at his lack of rationale and common sense. What is he thinking?? He was yelling at me over the phone tonight because my daughter calls him 'cookie' as a nickname. This is a nickname she has called him since she was 7 years old. I have called him that, too. It's something created out of love. He decided that the nickname is stupid and that until I make Natalia stop then he's going to call me 'Heather' instead of 'mom' around her. I told him not to do that. One has nothing to do with the other. I am her mother and 'mom' is my name. He asked what the big deal is. I told him he is trying to create a disconnect between me and Natalia and I don't want him calling me 'Heather'. He flipped! I guess because I hit the nail on the head. he isn't aware that I know the head games he plays for power and control. He kept kicking me until I told him to stop being abusive. I told him that something must have happened at work and he's taking it out on me. He admitted he's playing manipulative, control games and that that is too bad. He can't play them if I'm on to him. Why is he acting out more than usual? I haven't let him push my buttons and make me upset in a long time. I was upset when he pulled the $40 stunt in the car on the way to the oncologist and, even though, I was not in the wrong and he was playing a power/control game I apologized. It's not worth staying upset over. Maybe he's wound up because I'm seeing Dr. Schmit on Monday and he knows how much I like Dr. Schmit. Joe had confronted Dr. Schmit all those months ago and has never let up. The more I express my respect and admiration for Dr. Schmit the louder Joe refutes UCLA and contemporary medicine. All the same ridiculous babble he spouted in the beginning of this journey. Internet web education. Yea, that's going to change my mind about cancer treatment options. No thanks, I'll stick to medical journals - published ones. 
     He's been telling the flight attendant all his woes. Evidently, he has her believing he's a nice guy and that I brought all kinds of baggage from previous relationships and take it out on him. That's what I got from the conversation we had yesterday. Joe's the 'nice' guy and I'm a horrible person. She's defending his lack of sympathy and compassion for me (his discussions with her, not mine) because he was scared. Really?? She defends someone walking away and ignoring the basic needs of compassion for someone with cancer? Really? He must have weaved some wild tales to get her to take that stance. NO ONE understand that position, AT ALL. Whatever, right? It's his story to his friend. However he wants to spin it so he can sleep at night.
     As far as Joe is concerned, I'm feeling defeated. He's not changing. He will not change for me or our family. The cancer, the treatment, - no matter what I do for him and no matter how much I love him, he's not going to give it in return. He's only going to hurt me and abuse me as he always does. He will not let God  touch his heart and charge his spirit. Through all of this I have given him everything I have and, then, reached within myself and gave more. I loaned him the love I have for others on the bet that he would return it ten-fold. I lost the bet. 
     Dr. Glaspy had interesting thoughts on our last visit. I need to hear more of his wisdom and confidence. 
     I also, need to be with the ladies of the church! Today was so amazing! Darlene picked me and Natalia up and took us to Acapulco restaurant for lunch with the ladies of New Zion. They were having the lunch for my birthday. It was, absolutely, wonderful! The food the conversation and the presents. Ha ha. They were, all, so generous and thoughtful! I can't thank them enough for this blessed birthday.       
     Marsue sent a, very, pretty piano to hold small pieces of jewelry with a note that I never forget our adventure. :) - A little reminder of our joint venture to connect the Liberace dots. It was fun. I hope we do more of the same with...say...Errol Flynn? Fun!
     My birthday at work was very nice. Darlene brought delicious cupcakes and an inspirational t-shirt. Bryan, Scott and John went to lunch at Veggie Grill with me and Bryan bought my fake chicken taco. Leroy gave me movie tickets. It was a nice day all around!
     I know I jump around in these blogs and there are times when the grammatical errors, nearly, make the blog unreadable. I thought about going back through them and editing but, that would take away from the truth of it. That is my state of mind and my ability (or lack of it) to process through words. Every missed comma and/or misspelled word is part of the story - my story.                                                                                             

Free to be poked and prodded once again...

 

 

 

LUCKY ME, ALL CLEAR FOR CYSTOSCOPY, ET AL...

 

 

     I had the cystoscopy with Dr. Sender yesterday. It went well; nothing irregular in the bladder or the urethra. The scope, itself, was uncomfortable but, I've had this before so I knew what to expect. I'm still sore today and it hurts to pee but, it's getting better. It's worth a little discomfort to be thorough. Dr. Sender was Dr. Sender and his dry sense of humor made the visit a little more bearable. It's odd that a urologist has such a good bedside manner. Or - it, just, seems odd. I don't know, maybe they have the best bedside manner. The urologists that I have been to were military or VA - that's no laughing matter.

    

     When I got home after the doctor appointment and picking Natalia up from school I was in pain. I helped myself to 4 Azo, 4 motrin and 1 lorazapam. I took Natalia back to school for her showchoir practice and went to bed for a nap. Hours later, Natalia was shaking me awake. I slept through phone calls, alarms. door bells, and banging on the door. I didn't hear any of it! Natalia had to get a ride home from a friend and break in through a window. Joe had tried to call and when I didn't answer after so many tries he called a neighbor. The neighbor came over and rang the door bell and knocked on the door. Nothing. When Natalia, did, wake me up it wasn't a relief that I was alive (you know, 'thank God, I was thinking the worst', kind of thing). I don't know what they were thinking. Did they think I just decided to take a nap and ignore the attempts to wake me up? I don't know, it's weird how neither of them said anything about it. Well, Joe, did, say that when I see the neighbors (that he called to ring the doorbell) that I should smile and wave and say 'hi'. That's weird, too. At least Joe offered to drive us back to the house when I picked him up from work last night. Joe asked how I was today - if I was feeling alright when he got home from work. I appreciate the question. I know it's something so small in light of the situation and its enormity but, it's all I get and I'll appreciate it. Sure, I would love a flower and a card now and then or a hug and words of support - how about, a surprise night out to dinner and a movie or a ride along the coast. Yes, there are things that I would do if the roles were reversed; I would always let him know that I loved him and that he would get through this. I would comfort him in any way I could. I would go with him to doctor appointment and chemotherapy. I would ask what he needed. Mostly, I would be paying attention to his situation and helping where it was obvious that I could. I would get him an electric blanket for the chemo room once I knew how cold it was, I would make a tray of sampler foods to see if any of them would taste good to him during chemo, I would make sure he had all his meds and took them as prescribed (it gets crazy around chemo days and which meds when can be overwhelming), I would help him shower and change his sheets knowing how sweat stained they get....on and on and on. But I am the partner of someone who doesn't think of these things. By saying 'let me know if you need anything' he's off the hook. I spend too much time thinking about all this. I think I'm over it and accept it for what it is and then the hurt and sadness of being neglected hit all over again. I guess I will have to deal with it over and over until I have found a permanent place to put the bad feelings and memories to rest. Everyday work out.

 

     I took the day off of work today because of the discomfort when urinating. I don't drink as much water as I should when I'm at work and I knew I needed to drink a lot of water. The car situation doesn't help motivate me to go to work, either. As long as the Saturn is not road ready (2 failed smog tests) then I don't want to go to work. The trouble it takes to get me there and pick me up make me uncomfortable. I don't like infringing on anyone - even Joe.

 

     Dr. Glaspy said I was doing very well. Now that I am on Herceptin, only, I'm ready for 5 years of Tamoxifen. So, I started it today - 20 mg a day. I'm not so sure I'm the candidate that the medicine was designed for but, it's an added precautionary drug - free radicals and all. He talked to me about other things as well...I told him newfound fear kept me from making the decisions I was quick to make before cancer. He told me, emphatically, that this cancer was NOT coming back. I believed him. He stared at me with those steely blue eyes and never blinked. For a minute or two I, completely, felt what it was like to be cancer free. I didn't realize how much baggage cancer has been to my every day until that minute when I felt it was gone. Of course, as soon as I left the office I felt the way I always feel and that brief, wonderful moment was a memory. Maybe, I should record Dr. Glaspy saying that and I can listen to it every day. Hmmm, that's a thought. He'll think I've lost my  mind if he doesn't, already.

 

     My mood overall hasn't been very good. I seem to be noticing all the negative things about myself and perceive my future as the beginning of the end. Maybe this is an adjustment phase to a new reality...time will tell.

 

    New rules and regulations at work. New coach, new rules. Every coach has their 'new' things they want to dump on the employees. Some of it works great and most of it doesn't. So we muddle through until the next new coach. I wouldn't mind so much if the coach had experience in the department and brought an organized, researched, productive form of change. But, they don't. They come in and see mass amounts of work and minimal amount of people and, without experience in it, come up with attempts to lower the work and overload the people with favorable results. It never works. People get frustrated always having to bend to the ridiculousness of a new coach. My suggestion would be to a new coach "come in and get to know what it is that we do. Sit with the employees and watch the process. Take notes. Ask questions. See what it is that the employee needs to make the process more efficient.". But, no one asked me. At least with this one I see the mistakes big and bold and can address them. Some of the actions need to be addressed by the union representative 'cause they look a lil' illegal. I'm just saying

 

     I decided to drink greens instead of trying to eat them...did I blog about that, already? Well, anyway, this week I blended an apple, banana, avocado, matcha green tea power, flax seed oil, mixed chard and 2 cups of water. It doesn't have as much taste as the last batch...I think because I used water instead of apple juice. But, I like it better because it isn't grainy at all; it's very smooth.

 



 

 

On and On...

 

SO MUCH FOR NO SIDE EFFECTS

 

     It has been, exactly, one week since my single chemo Herceptin has been infused. I was excited about having no side-effects but, I am having some reaction. My feet and ankles are, terribly, swollen. I had some swelling the day before chemo - as I usually do, but it didn't go away as it has done in the past. It has gotten, increasingly, worse. So stretched is my skin that it pinches. I have tried more water intake, walking, exercising, no salt, less food (in general), and more veggies. Nothing worked and the swelling got worse. I didn't go to work today. I awoke at 2 a.m. with intense pain in my mid-section. It was enough to make me nauseous. I used a heating pad and propped myself up in a semi-sitting position in bed. I was able to fall back to sleep around 4:30 a.m. I didn't wake again until Joe came in and asked if I was going to work. I fell back to sleep and until 7:30 a.m. My pain was gone and the swelling was down in my feet and ankles, but, not completely gone. I called Dr. Glaspy and left a message. He messaged back to come in . I'll see him in a couple hours. I hope Joe does not go in with me. He has to take me as we are down to one car (what a nightmare getting back and forth to work, getting Natalia to school and her events, and Joe going to the hangar). Maybe, he'll do to Wal-Mart across the street while I am in there. -Or, just stay in the lobby/waiting room. So, we'll see what happens.

 

     I decided to blend some greens because I know I'm not getting enough of it in my body by eating it and the store-bought drinks have too much sodium. My end result: 1 cup green beans, chopped, 2 cups leafy greens, 2 tablespoons flaxseed, 2 tablespoons matcha green tea (powder), 1/4 cucumber, chopped and 2 cups apple juice. At first, I only used 1 cup of apple juice and the blend was too thick. I added another cup and the blend was thinner and tasted better. I have enough for a few days. I like the idea of getting the greens without having to eat them.

 

 

 

In spite of my ankles, I went on the Liberace tour (of my own making using Marsue's specifications)for Marsue. She has been reading about him and is interested in places he lived, his office building, stars and burial place. I was more than happy to go around and find these places!! It was a long, hot day but I had much fun!!! I went into the office (no trespassing) and up the elevator. I couldn't access the Penthouse but I got off on 4 for a brief minute! This was a great distraction and I love this sort of thing!

 

The Sherman Oaks home with the piano pool. This is the house that was broken into and his mother assaulted.

One of his stars on Hollywood Blvd

His other star on Hollywood Blvd.

The Hollywood Hills House

The office building in Beverly Hills

The elevator inside the office building

 

Forest Lawn Cemetery, Hollywood